~~~ Lion King Merchandise That Got Cut from the Shelves By Loa ~~~ Ever wondered what Shenzi used to fix her face? Or where the hell Zazu got his teeth? Or what Ed takes and where you can get it? And is Timon really gay? Well, wonder no more! These questions, and many, many more are answered when you read about those products that they used, but never actually got to the shelves! The Lion King, the Kawasaki ZZR1100, the Lamborgini and McDonalds all belong to somebody else. I'd like to be an owner of a multi-million-dollar corparation, but it's not happening, is it? By the way, this 'fanfic' is rated as a PG-13. There's nothing here you won't know about already. ~~~ Have you lost your teeth? Perhaps you never had any? Then try Zazu's False Teeth for that righteous grin! * Acquire a bright, dazzling smile in seconds! * Pops in and out easily! * Perfectly aligned! * Also used by Iago from Aladdin! * Includes ten free Zazu's Easy-Insert Feathers with every purchase! Perfect for the balding bird! RRP $24.95 per set! ~~~ Do you want to advertise on the air? Then use Magic Magnetic Milkweed Floss! * Easy to use! * Writes messages on the air itself! * Lasts for approximately 3 seconds - but the entire world will notice! * Can also be used to send messages to long-lost friends! * It's Magic! It's Magnetic! It's Milkweed Floss! RRP $399.95 for three boxes! ~~~ Has that miserable fuzz ball just scarred your beautiful countenance? Or has the Lion King just kicked your ass? Whatever the wound, make it vanish in seconds with the special Hyena Soothing Lotion! * Rubs on any time, any place, and any area! * Heals almost any wound in 3 seconds flat! * Also aids in the speedy removal of thorns! * Recommended by Shenzi and Banzai! * Does not work on long-term wounds and scars. RRP $3.95 for a 200kg tub! ~~~ Are you sick and tired of the colour of your fur? Dye it a different colour with Lion Fur Toner! * Dyes it one, solid colour instead of the tones and tints that you once had! * Comes in a choice of black, brown or blonde! * Can also be used for feathers and beaks! RRP $7.95 per bottle (buy 2, get 1 free!) ~~~ Have you just been invited to a dinner party with your worst enemy? You'd better read "The Hyena's Guide To Table Manners"! * Embarrass yourself and your worst enemy! * A massive five pages long! * Also includes: "Shenzi's Guide to Impolite Conversation!" "Banzai's Guide to Crappy Chat-up Lines!" "Ed's Guide to Personal Hygiene!" * You'll never be invited again! RRP $9.99 (only available in hardback) ~~~ The Great Kings of the Past look down on us from the stars! And now you can look up at them, with the Amateur Astronomers Kit! * Compact! * Self-explanatory! * Endorsed by the Great Kings of the Past! * Start saving now! RRP $599.95 (includes detailed map of the stars) ~~~ Is your family tree more like a mangrove thicket? Get the advice of the Lion King Family Tree Website! * Free! * Easy! * Trace your royal line all the way back to the first kings! * Now you'll know whether your wife is your cousin - or your sister! Go to www.godonlyknowswhereitisbecauseidont.com! ~~~ Have you got the social life and sense of humour of a brick? Buy "The Hyena's Book of Many Jokes" * Dictated by Banzai! * Includes many insults and sarcastic comments! * Works best when your entire pack has read it! * You still won't have a sense of humour, but at least your pack will think you have! RRP $9.99 per copy! ~~~ So you want to be a mob leader? Then read, "So You Want To Be a Mob Leader?" * Dictated by Shenzi! * Be the first person on your block to run a mob! * Vastly improve your powers of persuasion! * Males will fall over themselves to get off with you! * Only females will be eligible for this book. RRP $12.99, limited availability ~~~ Hungry? Thirsty? Read "The Pride Lands Good Food Guide and Cookbook" * Cook your friends for your friends! * Deep-fried, roasted, broasted, boiled, basted, baked, breaded, candied, salted, grilled, en flambé or marinated, there's something for every taste and every species! * White meat, dark meat, grubs and beetles can all be cooked. * Hundreds of recipes! RRP $11.95 a copy (does not include garnish) ~~~ Are you constantly out of energy? If so, you'd better try Rafiki's Special Blend! It's an mix of rare herbs and spices, made to a secret recipie! * Bestows boundless energy! * Enhances your awareness of your surroundings! * Recommended by your local addict! * Smuggled into the country by your local shaman! * Side effects may include hysterical laughter, severe mood swings, vacant staring, loss of speech, loss of control over facial features, severe brain damage and fur loss. Rapid tolerance development and highly addictive. Available from your local shaman at $10 - $15 per tablet (special deals with bulk purchase) ~~~ Are you always slipping into water, gorges or thorns? You'd better try new Ultra-Grip Non-Slip Boots! * They grip onto almost any surface, whether wet or dry! * If you fall to your death, your money will be instantly refunded! (Upon personal application) * You'll (probably) never slip again! * Comes in a set of 4! RRP $13.95 for a set. ~~~ Is your love life as dead as a duck's toenail? If so, you can spice it up with "The Pride Lands Guide to Sex"! * Author unknown! * Hundreds of chat-up lines! * Detailed, labelled diagrams in full colour! * 700 pages thick! * Positions include 'The Frog', 'The Swan', 'The Snake' and 'The Window' * Good for practically any mammalian species! RRP $10.99 ~~~ You've got the book; now buy the video! No sex-starved pervert should be without The Pride Lands Advanced Guide to Sex! * 8 hours of nothing but sex, sweat and tears! * Guaranteed to last even the most vigorous lovers all night, or a full refund! * Everyone can learn something from this instructive and highly engrossing video, even the most experienced pervert! * Multi-species orientated! RRP $20.99, half price with "The Pride Lands Guide to Sex"! (requires proof of purchase) ~~~ For that rich, bass sounding voice, smoke Scar and Zira's Extra Tar Cigarettes! * No cork filter, for that extra nicotine inhalation! * Triple your risk of lung cancer than from a normal cigarette! * Endorsed by Scar's mangled corpse, after the hyena's thorough post-mortem, but not by Zira's, because her body was never found. * Requires years of heavy usage. Prices may vary. ~~~ Want to play with not-real lions? Get Talking Jungle Nala! * When you dip Jungle Nala in cold water, her eyes magically change colour from green to blue! * 6" tall! * Nine great phrases, including "I love you", "I want you", and "I need you". * An imagination is required, as Jungle Nala does not walk or smirk seductively by herself. * Talking Jungle Simba, Pouncing Action Nala, and Simba and Nala's Evening Under the Waterfall Playset are sold separately. RRP $20.99 each. Not water-resistant. Batteries not included (natch). ~~~ Scared that your friends/relatives will try to kill you? You needn't be any more, with the Portable Bastard Detector! * Completely undetectable! * Glow-in-the-dark display! * Good for up to 1m B/w (Bast-watts) * Has a 10m radius! * Can be set to beep or vibrate! * Can also be used to detect bitches (approved by Shenzi and Zira) RRP $19.99 (warning - do not use anywhere near hyenas or Outlanders - may spontaneously explode. Batteries not included. Made in China) ~~~ Unsure whether your friends/relatives are rabid psychopaths? Determine their certifiability with the Portable Maniac Detector! * Completely undetectable! * Glow-in-the-dark display! * Good for up to 10m M/w (Manic-watts) * Tested on Ed the Hyena! * Has a 5 mile radius! * Can be set to beep or vibrate! RRP $19.99 (Batteries not included. Made in China) ~~~ Uncertain that your uncle/brother/friend really is straight? Now you can be sure that you want ten metres between you with a Portable Homosexual Detector! * Completely undetectable! * Glow-in-the-dark display! * Good for up to 1m H/w (Homo-watts) * Used by the Gay Attack Patrol! * Can also be used for lesbians! * Close physical contact required. RRP $19.99 (Batteries not included. Made in China) ~~~ Do you want to radically alter the sound of your voice? Just slip in the Voice Adjuster Thingy-Wotsit! * You'll sound like a completely different person! * Easily adjustable to acquire any tone of voice! * Batteries included! * Virtually undetectable! RRP $29.95 ~~~ Banzai's sick of running after wildebeest for his dinner, so he bunks off work and nicks a Kawasaki ZZR1100 from the car park of the local McDonalds! And you can too with the new and exciting game, Bastards Drive Fast! * Marvel at the use of hundreds of colours on your Megacube/ Superdrive 1985/ Amigo 600! * Go through the jungle, the swamp, the savannah, and the desert - at breakneck speeds on a motorbike! * Mow down those irritating lions! * Shake off the cops! * Don't forget to put on your crash helmet! RRP $29.99 ~~~ Shenzi's not happy that Banzai's bunked off work, so she delegates control of the pack to Ed for the afternoon and swipes a Lamborgini from the car park of the local McDonalds! And you can too with the new and exciting game, Bitches Drive Faster! * Marvel at the use of hundreds of colours on your Megacube/ Superdrive 1985/ Amigo 600! * Chase Banzai's Kawasaki ZZR1100 at breakneck speeds in your new Lamborgini! * Ignore those seriously wounded lions! * Bribe the cops! * Don't forget to do up your seatbelt! RRP $29.99 ~~~ Ed's high on drugs, so he decides to 'borrow' a B-52 bomber from the car park of the local McDonalds! And you can too, with the new and exciting game, B-52 Strike Force - Ed's Flying! * You know the rest. RRP $29.99 ~~~ AN - For those idiots among you who are wondering where you can get these products or find the web site - THEY DO NOT EXIST!!!!!