Channel Education/Information -
Interveiw with Simba - Insider Information on The Lion King
Simba doesn't belong to me, okay? But Channel Education/Information does. This fanfic is the first in the humourous Education/Information series. Even though this fanfic is set BEFORE The Lion King, it was written AFTER it. Alright? Got the idea?
Brian Tiemann has noticed (blah blah blah) so I will say that I got this idea for this fanfic from somone called... um... I forget. But I did get it from somewhere. But the idea of turning it into a ridiculously stupid TV channel is mine. So jolly well there.
Channel Education/Information is a new, totally unofficial/illiegal channel, available only to regular veiwers of their computer's monitor. On Channel Education/Information, you can learn anything from 'What Today's Date Is', to 'How To Breed Combat Hamsters' to 'Time Travel For Ameteurs'. The host, Loa the Hyena, is not a rich female. In fact, she is only doing this show to pay off her student loans. She has been doing this show for 7 consecutive years.
(Cut to scene: Inside a nice little cave hidden deep in the Elephant Graveyard, a middle-aged hyena reporter sits down at a stone table. She is handed a microphone by another hyena, another load of hyenas are getting ready to take some notes, and animals of various species are the camermen and sound guys.)
Random Antelope: We're rolling!
Loa: (facing camera, smiling) Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen! You're watching Channel Education/Information! Here with me today is a lion who probably needs an introduction! He's here to give us insider information on the latest Disney film! It's... Simba!!!
(Enter Simba. There is some polite, canned applause)
Loa: Hello Simba! And how are-
Simba: Is this program going out live?
Loa: (crosses her fingers behind her back) No.
Simba: Good. (scratches his rear)
Loa: Well, Simba, because of further budget cuts, we can't afford to have any of those fancy minature microphones anymore. Or even more than one of the big, chunky ones either. So, we'll have to share this one. Anyway, my first question is... (Loa flips through some prompt cards) 'Who gets shot in the loins, king?'
(A stage hand comes forward and whispers in Loa's ear)
Loa: Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, I forgot to put on my glasses this morning. You'll have to bear with me. It's 'What's the plot of The Lion King?'
Simba: Well, it's about me, basically. I'm born a prince, but my wicked uncle-
Loa: Your wicked uncle? (We can now hear a large amount of noise coming from outside the interveiw room)
Simba: Taka Scar plays the part of my wicked uncle. He wants to be king in the movie, so he kills my father and banishes me. I have to get back to the Pride Lands-
Loa: The Pride Lands?
Simba: The Pride Lands are the kingdom I'm supposed to rule. I have to get back to the Pride Lands and take my place as king.
Loa: Thank you Simba. Now, my second question is... (flips through the prompt cards again) 'Who chews bubblegum and is gay?'
Simba: What? Well if that's your question, I'd say-
Loa: Dammit! I can't see a thing without my glasses! The question is actually, 'Who plays the back-up comedy?'
Simba: Oh... well, that's the role of Timon and Pumbaa-
Loa: Timon and Pumbaa?
Simba: Isn't this interveiw turning into a rather poorly brought about set of questions and answers?
Loa: I'm hardly a distinct personality, am I?
Simba: Not yet.
Loa: Well, can we get back to the interveiw please? I have a job to keep.
Simba: Oh, alright. Anyway, Timon is a stupid meerkat who thinks he's smart. He makes loads of wisecracks and bad jokes. And Pumbaa is a fat, flatulent warthog. He thinks he's stupid, but he's really the smart one of the duo.
Loa: Now, my third question is, (The noise heard from outside the interveiw room is increasing) 'What's this rumor about whores being found in your dressing room?'
Simba: What the hell are you talking about? (his eyes dart guiltily) I never hired whores-
Loa: Ooops! How did that question from my impending interveiw with Banzai get in there? No, it's really, 'Is there a dance in the kiln?'
Loa: Sorry. (The noise outside is getting so loud that we can barely hear the two of them talking. Loa is apparently ignoring the noise, and she just speaks louder) 'What's the romance in the film?'
Simba: Um... Well, I have a childhood cub friend called Nala and we... Hey! What the hell am I telling you the entire plot of the film for? Go and watch the film!
Loa: Oh, alright. My final question is slightly more personal... (checks prompt cards) 'Does herpes come from eating glue?'
Simba: What? No! I've never eaten glue in my life! (A microphone crashes through the door's window. They ignore it)
Loa: Sorry, sorry. I meant, 'Are you and Zira really through?'
Simba: What? How did you know-
(Suddenly, the door slams open, and a dozen jackals, weilding large guns, charge in. On the back of their jackets are the letters S.A.S. One grabs and breaks Loa's only microphone. Another smashes an innocent vase, and a third rips up the prompt cards. The others surround Simba and start to drag him away)
Loa: Oh gods, no! Not the Snitch Alert Squad!
Captain of the Jackals: Right Simba, you're not giving away the plot of this Disney film! Or any others!
Loa: The interveiw is over! (She presses a small, secret red button on the arm of her chair, and a secret door slides open in the wall. She runs through it)
Captain of the Jackals: Stop her! She mustn't do any more of these illiegal transmissions! She mustn't get away!
(The jackals try to follow her through the secret door, but it slides shut as quickly as it opened, slicing one of them in half - vertically - in the process. Think Itchy and Scratchy out of The Simpsons)
Captain of the Jackals: (To the camera) Goodnight and Goodbye! (He smashes the camera with the butt of his sniper rifle. Everything goes static)
The End (not quite...)