Channel Education/Information -
I'm Dreaming Of An Orange Halloween (Where Has All The Pumpkin Gone?)
I'm not saying it again. Seriously, I'm not. No way. I mean, how stupid is a person who actually thinks I own The Lion King? And if you're reading this fan-fic, you've probably read its other three predecesors, which means that you also already know that Channel Education/Information belongs to me and that I'll waste your sorry ass into the ground if you steal it. There. I didn't say it! Sort of.
I gave up on the last fanfic I tried to start. It was the most boring thing ever. That's what happens when you get inspiration from Timon.
Well anyway, I thought, it's coming up to Halloween (Not very, but it's only a month away), so I'm bound to think of something to take the piss out of that too. And here it is!
(Cut to scene: It's Halloween in the Pride Lands, and everybody's favorite hyena Loa has no longer got her hidden cave. It's been confisticated, or whatever the word is. Instead of the cave, she's got a Camera-Wild-Dog, and a microphone that looks brand-new. This is because it has been stolen.)
Camera-Jackal: And weeee're... rolling!
Loa: Hello, and I'm Loa the Hyena! The best news is that I'm still producing Channel Education/Information, we're just not in a cave at the moment! In fact, King Simba has given me a three hour permit to do stuff in the savannah, just so long as what I say is the truth! And the truth is, I think that he is an idiot. I mean, you'd have to be an idiot to believe that I'd tell the truth! Anyway, lets get back to the real stuff, then we can start with the lies. The real news today starts with a report on Crown Princess Kiara! She has finally declared that she is getting a facelift...
(Cut scene to an earlier interveiw with Kiara)
Kiara: I'm sick of people thinking my face looks like the back end of a bus, so I'm finally getting that facelift I've been meaning to have for the last 12 months! I'm sure that my husband Kovu will be thrilled when I tell him!
Loa: It's amazing! You've been putting it off for so long! Everyone thought that you'd never get round to it!
Kiara: Well, I decided that I've got to keep my promises sometime. It will be a nice surprise for Kovu, anyway. You won't tell him will you? I'll give you $50 if you promise not to tell him.
(Cut back to Loa)
Loa: And when asked his opinion on the matter, Prince Kovu said that he was furious at his wife Crown Princess Kiara for her obvious and over-flamboyant wasting of his money...
(Cut scene to an earlier interveiw with Kovu)
Kovu: I can't believe you're telling me this! That my own wife would waste money so frivolously! I mean, she of all people should know that having a facelift won't make her any more attractive to me - I mean, I won't love her any more or less because she gets a facelift! I can't believe she'd lie to me like this! I'm getting a divorce! Oh, and thanks for telling me Loa. Here's $200 for telling me, hey?
Loa: (taking the money as she speaks) But she's getting it to please you! And it's her money!
Kovu: I don't care. It should be my money. And it will be, when I'm King. I'm going to tell her family - Sarafina, Sarabi and Nala have never been keen on people mutilating their bodies. They're going to give her the thrashing of a lifetime, and then I'm going to spring the divorce on her. Anyway, I'm beginning to think she's sterile. She hasn't given me any cubs yet! I'll give you $100 not to tell her about it. I want it to be a... surprise!
(Cut back to Loa)
Loa: Kiara is sueing her husband Kovu...
(Cut scene to earlier interview with Kiara)
Kiara: I'm gonna sue that miserable git for lying to me!
Loa: What about?
Kiara: Oh, and here's $400 for telling me. And if that doesn't keep you quiet, nothing will!
(Cut back to Loa)
Loa: And back to today's main story - What's Halloween without pumpkins? Yes, less than a month before Halloween strikes, all the pumpkins in the Pride Lands and all the surrounding areas have completely and mysteriously vanished! The Snitch Alert Squad gave a statement earlier today saying that they are non-plussed and have no idea where the pumpkins are. However, they say that they have good reason to believe that the pumpkins have been kidnapped by either a vengeful pumpkin lover who believes that carving faces in pumpkins and scooping out their innards is vegetable cruelty, or by someone who is so hungry that they don't care how badly their breath smells.
(A Random Zebra runs up to Loa, and hands her a piece of paper)
Loa: And this is news just in! It's come straight to us, straight from the zebra's mouth, and even the S.A.S don't know about it, unless they're watching, which they don't because they're trying to shut us down! It's a message from... Oh my gods! It's from the Pumpkin Retrieval Agency Terminating Squad!
Random Antelope: My gods! The P.R.A.T.S?
Loa: Yes! The P.R.A.T.S. are saying that if Channel Education/Information isn't brought back on air permanently, they're going to destroy all the pumpkins! They'll ruin Halloween! And to prove that they're serious, they have sent us a photograph of this poor, innocent pumpkin!
(A photograph of a squished-up pumpkin flicks onto the screen)
Loa: As you can see, it's been horribly mutilated! With a kitchen knife, too! Oh, and it also says here that they're also going to blow up Pride Rock if all of their demands aren't met. I mean, My Gods! They'll also blow up Pride Rock if all of their demands aren't met! Oh, we just have to agree to their psychotic demands! Don't we? Well, either way, here I have King Simba with his comments on this horrendous matter!
Simba: I can only say that I am shocked and horrified that anybody would do such a terrible thing to poor, innocent pumpkins. What kind of sick, perverted, disgusting person would have such a mind to do things like this? It's absolutely awful!
Loa: And what will you do about these terrible pumpkin pilferers, Simba?
Simba: Nothing! Pumpkins are precious, but there's no way that we're going to give in to terrorists! It would just encourage them. Neither are we sending in any rogue cops to do the job. The best option, as ever, is to send in a squad of B-52 bombers, or maybe a team of ninjas. We'll just have to cross our fingers...
Simba: Yeah, and hope that when the dust settles, there'll be substantially more of the pumpkins left than a small orange stain on the smoking rubble. It doesn't make much of a computer game, but this is real life we're talking about here!
Loa: But what about this threat on Pride Rock? The pumpkin pilferers have also threatened to destroy it also if their demands are not met! That's terrible!
Simba: Don't pretend you care.
Loa: Well, technically you're right, I don't care if Pride Rock is blown sky high. But if Pride Rock explodes, then Channel Education/Information will be totally unable to transmit it's pirate broadcasts, because we use Pride Rock's satellite dishes to do it with. And that means that I'll never be able to pay off my student loans! But if you give in to the terrorists, then my show will become a regular feature! And all of the pumpkins would be safe and we'd all of us have a very happy Halloween! Wouldn't that be great?!
Simba: (sighs) Yes Loa, I suppose you're right. Pride Rock and the pumpkins-
Loa: (hopefully) And Channel Education/Information?
Simba: (sighs again) Yes, and Channel Education/Information are as important to me as my lovely daughter and my beautiful wife. But not Kovu. I still hate him.
Loa: (turning back to the camera) There, you heard it here on Channel Education/Information first! Simba has given in to the demands of the terrorists! Pride Rock is saved! The pumpkins are saved! Channel Education/Information is going to become a reasonably regular feature! Crown Princess Kiara and Prince Kovu are getting a divorce! Simba hates Kovu!
Simba: They are?
Simba: I do? I mean, I do hate Kovu? I never said that!
Loa: Yes you did. Less than thirty seconds ago! But anyway, extra, more boring news, includes-
(A Random Giraffe comes up to Loa and hands her another letter)
Loa: Oh! Even more interesting news just in! The P.R.A.T.S. hideout has been found, along with thousands of pumpkins! The pumpkins are apparently unharmed, other than having faces carved in them, which saves the rest of us from bothering to do anything! They have been located in the low rent district - that's the Elephant Graveyard for you non-regular veiwers. What are you going to do, King Simba?
Simba: Does it say who's in charge of the P.R.A.T.S.?
Loa: Uh, no. And that's classified information - even if it did say who was. Which it doesn't. Only the S.A.S know. After all, I'm only the presenter of a brilliant but small but brilliant African Television Show, so how should I know. I repeat, it's very classified information. I repeat, I don't know. Honest. Um... Bye!
(Loa starts to run away. Simba grabs her by the tail and stops her, but she is now so terrified that she just twists around and bites him on the paw. He is forced to let go)
Simba: Ow!! That hurt! Why are you running away like that? It's not like we're not going to arrest you or anything!
Loa: (shouting over her shoulder as she starts running and the other Channel Education/Information employees are packing up their held-together-with-sticky-tape equipment hastily.) More news just in! The pumpkins have been genetically altered to vicously attack anyone they don't recognise! That means that the S.A.S. are going to die! Soon! I'll have full power! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!! SOOOOOOON!!!!
Simba: How the hell did you know all that? Nobody told you!
Loa: I know everything!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!! Isn't it painfully obvious?!?! I am the leader of the P.R.A.T.S.!
(Suddenly, a large number of S.A.S. Jackal jerks appear on the horizon, on the top of the quite faraway hill. The Captain of the Jackals is holding a new, flashy megaphone.)
Captain of the Jackals: (through the megaphone) Give yourself up, Loa! You're under arrest for mutilating innocent pumpkins and ordering them to kill us! Did you really think that orange vegetables with faces carved in them could stop fully grown jackals?
Loa: (stopping running) Well, no, not really. But it made all the listeners think that they were going to, didn't it? And it sounded good too! And padded out the episode a bit.
(The Jackals charge down the hill and surround Loa and the rest of the team. One of them slaps handcuffs on her wrists, another one starts arresting the employees who haven't had the sense to run away yet, and another one is loading them all into a safari van thing with bars on the back windows. It's got a lot of seats, but they're still having trouble fitting everybody in.)
Captain of the Jackals: Now, come with us peacefully Loa, and we'll put you in a nice lunatic asylum. You'll feel quite at home there, since you've already got some friends in there. You'll even be allowed to write stories about your experiences in there - after the guy who runs the place has checked them over of course. And if they're okay, they'll be published on the internet!
Loa: What if I don't want to write stories about my experiences? What if I want to write stories about someone else's experiences? Like various cousins? Or friends? Or something that happened to aliens?
Captain of the Jackals: We'll see. Now come along quietly Loa. It looks as if Channel Education/Information isn't going to be quite such a regular feature after all. But maybe we'll let you publish it from inside the asylum. Maybe. Ha ha!
Loa: Ha! I'll be out of that place in six months!
Captain of the Jackals: We'll try to make it three.
Simba: (to Captain of the Jackals) What's all this about writing stories? I didn't know she wrote stories!
Captain of the Jackals: Well, that's because there isn't much internet access in the middle of the savannah. Just sneak into the nearest village!
Loa: (as she is being loaded into the cramped, suffocatingly airless van) Hey, is that camera still rolling?
Captain of the Jackals: Not for much longer!
(The Captain of the Jackals looks into the camera for a few seconds. Then he smashes the screen. Once again, the camera goes static.)
If you liked this fanfic, or if you've got any other ideas for Channel Education/Information, all you have to do is e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org
. But remember, just because you've got ideas, doesn't mean I'll use them.