Channel Education/Information -
Interview with Scar: Yet Another Attempt To Prove His Innocence
This fanfic is very, very loosely based on another person called Spotted Hyena's fanfic, and if it got any looser it would drop off. And The Lion King doesn't belong to me. All you're doing by making me say this crap is showing your own stupidity, Disney Company. Are you really so stupid as to think I could get any money out of this claptrap?
(We're in Loa the Hyena's padded cell in the Special Asylum for Loonies. There is a plexiglass screen between us and her, and she's smiling. And waving. And the camera isn't yet turned on. It's another hyena this time, and he's nearly as hot as Banzai.)
Loa: Hi, everybody out there!
Random Hyena: You know the camera's not on, Loa. Stop pretending to be insane and get to the point. Right. Now the camera's on.
(The red light starts blinking. Loa adjusts her microphone, which has 'Property of African Asylum' printed on the side.)
Loa: Yes! Hello! Today's special guest is Taka Scar! Yes, he's alive! Like many of you horrible bitchy lionesses hoped! And stuff!
(Scar enters the padded cell.)
Scar: Hi, Loa!
Loa: Hi, Scar! Now, the first and most obvious question is, 'Aren't you supposed to be dead?' But, that's the sort of question Ed would ask. If he could ask questions. So I think it might be easier to ask you, 'How did you survive?'
Scar: I'm sorry Loa, but that's a trade secret. I can't possibly divulge that information.
(Loa looks pissed, and she decides to start the nasty questions sooner rather than later.)
Loa: Certainly, certainly, and I respect your privacy as much as anyone else's. (And we all know how much Loa respects other people's privacy) Now, my next question is, 'Weren't you jealous of your brother Mufasa?'
Scar: Certainly not! Why should I be jealous of him? Because of his devilish good looks? 0His charm, his popularity among the females? What everybody forgets is that I'm good looking and charming too! And to prevent accusations of bigamy running wild among the pride, I too am popular with the girls.
Loa: Granted, granted, but were you jealous of Mufasa's strength, which exceeds yours hugely?
Scar: What good did his muscles do him in the end? Intellect is a far more valuable commodity than mere brute strength. It was what saved me at the end.
Loa: (who seems determined to put Scar down, but then again, she is a hyena) Well, he was popular among the lionesses and other animals of the Pride Lands-
Scar: I was popular too! I had hundreds more friends than he did among you hyenas! And after Nala and that fool pulled off their coup d'etat, they exiled all of the lionesses that were still loyal to me. That was half the pride! If that doesn't prove my popularity, then what does?
Scar: And the big guys made a movie about me! Two movies about me, in fact! Hitting on three!
Loa: (pointedly) They were called 'The Lion King' various.
Scar: My point exactly! I was the Lion King of the Pride Lands throughout most of the time-span of the original film. Thusly, the film is about me! And the second one is mostly about lionesses who remained loyal to me.
Loa: Did you ever actually want to be the Lion King?
Scar: Why would I want to be the Lion King?
Loa: Well, you'd have all the women you wanted, you'd have power, you wouldn't be answerable to anyone-
Scar: It was a rhetorical question, you idiot! (Scar hits Loa, who growls.) What I mean is, as a prince, I had all of the benefits of being a King, without any of the responsibilities. Why should I want to be king? The only extra stuff I'd get would be Zazu boring me to death every morning with his insipid reports.
(Loa is actually gettin bored of Scar's narration. This can be seen by the way she is ordering out for a Pizza House Extra-Ultra-Mega-Large Size Meat Feast with extra meat. She puts down the phone, and decides to liven things up a bit.)
Loa: Can you relate the events leading up to Mufasa's death? What happened in the gorge?
Scar: Shenzi approached me that morning and asked for permission to hunt on our land. I knew the lionesses weren't hunting that morning and I saw no reason to deny her request. Damn, she's hot!
Loa: (annoyed) She's also my second cousin.
Scar: (hastily) Just joking!
Loa: Yeah, right.
Scar: Naturally, seeing the hyenas again reminded me of their original encounter with Simba. I took my nephew to the gorge, to practice his roar. It was the perfect place. In the gorge Simba would hear his own roars echo back to him. Thus he could identify the deficiencies and make appropriate corrections.
Loa: Some would say that Simba would be trapped in the gorge.
Scar: Really? I would have thought that there, he would be safe from all dangers. Anyway, when the hyenas - accidently, of course - stampeded a herd of wildebeests into the gorge, I did what any concerned relative would do. I ran to Mufasa for help. But that muscle-bound oaf rushed into the gorge without thinking at all. I sent Zazu to go get help but that little twit panicked and flew straight into a boulder.
Loa: Some would say that you punched him into the wall of the gorge.
Scar: Really? It's all rumors and lies, and you, a seeker of the truth, would realise that. Anyway, I ran along the top of the gorge looking for any sign of either Simba or Mufasa. Then I saw my brother trying to climb up the side of the gorge. Well, there was my brawny but not too bright brother hanging by his forepaws at the top of a sheer drop. It was obvious that I would never be able to save him, but as his brother, I had to try. I just wasn't strong enough to pull him to safety. I grabbed Mufasa with my forepaws but I couldn't hold onto him. So, I extended my claws to improve my grip. However, even that wasn't good enough. Mufasa slipped and...
(Scar bursts into tears. Loa hands him a tissue.)
Scar: But I certainly didn't murder my brother. His death was a tragic accident.
Loa: Some would say that you confessed to murdering your brother.
Scar: (who is looking seriously annoyed now at Loa's constant 'accusations'.) I was under duress. Anything I said then can't possibly be used as evidence against me in any court of law. That cowardly lout that Nala found in the jungle attacked me from behind and forced me to falsely confess to my brother's murder. It's my word against his.
Loa: To change the subject slightly, how do you feel about your nephew Simba?
Scar: (sighs) He was my favorite nephew.
Loa: (dryly) He was your only nephew.
Scar: And that is exactly what made him so special. (Scar blows his nose with the tissue) He was a lovely cub, and would no doubt have grown up to be a handsome lion. Almost as good-looking as me! (Scar laughs. Loa doesn't get the joke.)
Loa: Ha ha. But then again, you only talk about him in the past tense.
Scar: That is because my nephew died in the same stampede that claimed my brother's life. It's awful, but-
Loa: Why do I get the distinct impression that you practiced that line?
Scar: (angrily) How dare you suggest such a thing?!
Loa: Suggest what?
Scar: That I killed my own nephew!
Loa: You did?
Scar: No, I didn't!
Loa: Didn't what?
Scar But... you... Oh, gods. Anyway, what I'm saying is that I had Shenzi, Banzai and Ed search the gorge for him directly after the stampede! Shenzi assured me that Simba was dead! The lion that Nala brought back with her claiming to be Simba must be an imposter!
Loa: You do know that everyone else - even us hyenas - seem to think he's the real Simba, don't you?
Scar: Do I? Nala was once betrothed to Simba. I refused to release her from that betrothal, out of respect for the memories of my brother and nephew, even though I could have claimed her as my wife at any time! Naturally, that slut's overactive hormones got the better of her judgment and she ran away! Nala's lying to protect her own stinking reputation. Doubtless she'd already had his bun in her oven when she returned with him.
Loa: Rafiki vouches for the Utanda - I mean, lion. In fact, he was the one who found him.
Scar: Hummph! We both know that Rafiki's always taking drugs. (Loa nods knowingly) He hardly ever talks, and most of what he does say is incoherent African. And he snorts milkweed floss at every opportunity. He was probably hallucinating when he first met the imposter.
Loa: What about Zazu?
Scar: What about him? Zazu was my dearly departed brother's one true mistake. A drug addicted priest isn't unusual-
Loa: In Africa, anyway.
Scar: But Zazu was corrupt and incompetant. He's obviously been bribed to speak against me. It's probably because I had him imprisoned for seditious activities.
Loa: Seditious? I'm only a hyena, you know. What the hell does deditious mean? It sound to me like some sort of-
Scar: It means 'encouraging public disorder'. But then Nala and the imposter freed him and restored him to his old post. I should have let Shenzi eat him after all.
(The padded door is knocked, and another hyena enters)
Random Hyena: This just came for you, Loa. (He hands her the pizza she ordered, and leaves. Loa starts to eat.)
Loa: (with her mouth full) What about Sarabi? She of all people should recognise her own son.
Scar: She'd just hit her head, the poor dear. At first she thought the imposter was Mufasa!
Loa: (mouth still full) Some would say that you hit her.
Scar: No, I didn't! She slipped and fell! I tried to grab onto to her to steady her, but I was too slow. I was just about to tend to her when the imposter attacked me.
Loa: (still eating) Is that when the battle for Pride Rock began?
Scar: Can I have some of that pizza?
Loa: (licking her paws) No, I paid for it.
Scar: Anyway, there was no 'Battle for Pride Rock'. The imposter fled when the hyenas rose to my defense. About an hour later a brush fire mysteriously broke out. I wouldn't be surprised if he started it.
Loa: (taking another piece) Some would say that it was a freak storm which set the stage majestically to the fight.
Scar: I already told you, there was not any battle! Now would you stop accusing me!
Loa: Okay, okay, if you want, I'll change the subject. What was your role in the Elephant Graveyard incident?
Scar: There you are! You're doing it again!
Loa: Doing what?
Scar: Accusing me!
Loa: Accusing you of what?
(Scar pauses, then sighs and returns to his sad, deprived uncle face)
Scar: Simba, bless his little heart, came to me after Mufasa had shown him the kingdom. He'd noticed the Elephant Graveyard from the top of Pride Rock, but Mufasa hadn't told him anything about it. Now, since unsatisfied curiosity is a terrible thing in a young cub, I explained to Simba what it was, and even made him promise never to go there. It certainly isn't my fault he broke his promise.
Loa: (boldly) Maybe you shouldn't have told him about it in the first place.
Scar: (scowling) Hey, I was between a rock and a hard place. Simba was already curious. If I had said nothing at all, he would have gone there anyway. I thought that if I told him about it his curiosity would be satisfied.
Loa: And what about us hyenas? What is your veiw on our working relationship?
Scar: Loa, you know we were friends. You never worked for me, you did favors for me and I did favors for you in return.
Loa: Then why the hell does Banzai call you 'boss'?
Scar: Banzai's got an inferiority complex and an excessive desire to please. Females. Why don't you go and ask him?
Loa: (finishing the pizza) Oh, I will, I will. (smirks smarmily) Maybe. But if you were such great friends with us hyenas, why did you let Mufasa ban us from the Pridelands in the first place?
Scar: You hyenas were never banned from our lands, we just needed you to coordinate with us, so that you wouldn't interfere with our own hunts. You clearly got the wrong eng of the stick.
Loa: Talking of hyenas, when Simba and Nala trespassed in the Elephant's Graveyard, Shenzi, Banzai and Ed weren't trying to kill them. If they had been, Simba and Nala would not have survived the encounter.
Scar: That's one thing you got right.
Loa: Then why did Mufasa attack us hyenas?
Scar: Muscle before brains again, I'm afraid. After all, your friends did deny anything to do with harming Simba.
Loa: Damn right they did! But Zazu thought the danger was real enough!
Scar: Zazu is an idiot.
Scar: Babysitting is about the only thing he's good for and he couldn't even do that right. In fact, he's responsible for that whole mess.
(Loa is getting bored again. This can be seen by the way she is playing with a Rubix Cube. She decides to ask Scar the most embarrassing question she can think of that won't get her another six months in the slammer.)
Loa: Were you attracted to Nala in any way?
Scar: (grinning widely) Why yes, yes. I certainly felt what any red-blooded male would feel around such an attractive female as Nala, but I never gave in to my urges. She had been betrothed to my nephew; it wouldn't be decent. Even though my nephew was dead, I still honored his memory! Unfortunately, she chose not to, by hooking up with that imposter.
(Loa throws the Rubix Cube at the plexiglas screen so hard that it dents.)
Loa: Were you a good king?
Scar: Of course! I was the greatest king ever to rule Pride Rock! You hyenas agreed instantly. I accomplished what no king before me had even dreamed of doing. I accomplished the impossible, I brought lions and hyenas together in harmony.
Loa: Har har. But what about the drought? It crippled the country!
Scar: What about it? I fail to see how the drought could reflect negatively on my rulership. On the contrary, it showed my managerial skill. After all, no one died during the drought.
Loa: (nastily) Except for a few 'insignificant' hyenas. And the drought ended when 'Simba' returned.
Scar: Purely a coincidence. If there's anyone in the country who could control the weather, it's Rafiki. And if that's the case, then he's responsible for the deaths of your friends.
Loa: (looking thoughtfull) Is Kovu really your son? Both Zira and Kovu himself have denied it. And Nuka has also been quoted as saying, "Kovu, Kovu, Kovu. Scar wasn't even his father, he just took him in".
Scar: Of course he is. Zira and Nuka are dead-
Scar: - So Disney can put whatever lies they want into their unspeaking mouths. As for Kovu, it wouldn't be politically wise for him to admit to my paternity right now. But I have to say that his marriage to Kiara was a stroke of genius. His mother and I had always wanted for the two prides to be reunited and live in happiness. My only regret is that he has sworn alliance to the imposter, and that he still refuses to believe that Kiara let Zira die...
(Scar starts crying again. Loa looks uncomfortable.)
Loa: Now, now, don't cry like that... here's another tissue. Anyway, I won't keep you, I have at least three other interveiws to do and lots of other things to write down. Now, if you'll leave my nice, comfortable padded cell, I can get on with it. Them. Whatever.
(Scar leaves Loa's cell, completely unaware that the African Asylum is now run exclusively by hyenas. As soon as her door closes and locks (it's opened by the card of a security guard, who is also a hyena) we hear screaming and the ripping of flesh from bone.)
Loa: (smiling widely) And that's the end of that chapter! Possibly. No, yes it is!
This is not The End.
You, my faithful, Lion King loving readers, already know my e-mail address. And for those of you who don't because this is the first Channel Education/Information episode you've ever read, it's firstname.lastname@example.org
and you can read it at the end of any of my fanfics. Now go and read the others.