An attempt at humor. A very poor, extremely bad attempt at humor. Enjoy the show! And now the legal stuff (damn the lawyers): The Lion King is copyrighted to Disney, as are Timon, Pumbaa, Simba, Scar, Nuka, Zira, Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed. Lawsuits for characters not found in the above statement can go to the primary address on the TLK.org homepage, which I’m pretty sure was left for this express purpose. Compliments, on the other hand, can be forwarded to conor0191@aol.com, or just click the link at the top of the screen that is so generously provided by BT.

 

What’s My Motivation?

 

Static for a few seconds, then a camera flickers to life, showing four hooves.

 

Timon’s voice: Is it on now? Camera tilts up to reveal Pumbaa’s face.

 

Pumbaa: Uhh, well, the red light’s on.

 

Timon’s voice: Perfect! Timon’s head appears in front of camera. We see him lick his hand and use it to smooth back his hair.

 

Pumbaa: Are you sure you want to do this Timon? Timon disappears behind camera again.

 

Timon: Of course I’m sure! This film is a masterpiece! And every masterpiece needs a documentary. Who better do document this than moi?

 

Guard: Hey! What are you doing with that camera? Camera spins around, falling to the floor.  We see a black shoes appear in front of the camera. I’ll have to confiscate this. We see camera turn and see Timon’s chest in the picture.

 

Timon: Hey, you can’t just take that! What gives?

 

Guard: Sorry, just protocol. No unauthorized cameras. We see Timon and Pumbaa begin to become smaller, or rather, the camera is moving away from them. They look at each other and follow the guard.

 

Timon: What do you expect us to do? Hide explosive ribbon instead of film?

 

Guard: Look, I’m just doing my job. I’ll just put it on this table and leave it here. You can pick it up after the filming. Camera’s view is lifted up and placed so we see Timon and Pumbaa standing in front of Pride Rock. Sorry. That’s the rules. Sound of guard walking away.

 

Pumbaa: Didn’t I say that—

 

Timon: Don’t even—just don’t. He turns around, gesturing to Pride Rock. We have all this right here, and they won’t see any of it. Do you call that fair? Do you call that right? Cause I don’t. Turns back to camera. I mean, this little thing was made to— Stops, looking at something below the lens. Aha. Aha. And if we just move it a little to the left . . . Timon grabs the camera, centering Pride Rock in the background. Perfect. And no one is any the wiser.

 

Pumbaa: I don’t think this is a good idea.

 

Timon: You don’t think anything is a good idea. We see him placing things around the camera. And now it blends right in. Just wait and we’ll have this done in no time. Walks away from camera, Pumbaa following him.

 

Pumbaa (fading away): Couldn’t we get sued for this or something?

 

We see the back part of the set of Pride Rock now, mainly the arena where Simba fought Scar, with multiple cameras set up to take it from several angles. Microphone poles are hovering above the set. Animals are rushing across the set, putting last minute touches on it, moving rocks to better angles, etc.

 

Director: Okay, we’re on in one minute! Positions! Clear the set and fire it up!

 

All stage hands run hurriedly off the set. About five seconds after the last one leaves, we see Pride Rock catch fire.

 

Director: Okay, big fight scene, take one! And go!

 

We see Scar leap through the flames and run to the edge of the set, stopped by fire and the edge of the cliff on the other end. We see Simba jump through after him. He takes a step, then buries his face in his paw.

 

Simba: Can I just—

 

Director: Cut! Cut! Look, we don’t have time for this. We only have so much time here!

 

Simba: Can I just talk to you?

 

Director: All right. Everybody take five!

 

Flames are suddenly cut off, and everyone leaves their position. Simba jumps down off set to walk next to the meercat that is the director. We see both of them walking towards the camera.

 

Director: Okay, what is it?

 

Random Zebra: Hey boss, he wants to know if he can try out the flames again.

 

Director: Sure, just keep him out of my hair. Simba and the Director have reached the table, are standing directly in front of the camera. Now what is it?

 

Simba: This just doesn’t feel right. I mean, the scene just feels wrong. I don’t feel like the character belongs in it.

 

Director: Look, all you have to do is—

 

Random Gazelle: Fire in the hole!

 

Simba and the Director hurriedly turn, letting us see the set between them. Flames engulf the set of Pride Rock in a huge fireball that lasts a few seconds. Simba and the Director duck. Flames die down.

 

Nuka (screaming fanatically): BIGGER! What is it about the word BIGGER that you don’t understand?!

 

Director: I gonna want to see his résumé again. Turns to Simba. Okay, what now?

 

Simba: I guess what I’m trying to say is . . . What’s my motivation?

 

Director: What’s your motivation? What’s your motivation for what?

 

Simba: Well, do I really have to kill him?

 

Director: He’s murdered your father, he sentenced you to death, he turned your home into a wasteland, he’s beaten your mother, what more could you need?

 

Simba: So, I’m annoyed with him?

 

Director: You should be furious!

 

Simba: Well, it just doesn’t seem right to me.

 

Director: Taka, come over here! We see Scar come over to the camera. He’s having a problem getting mad at you. Do something.

 

Scar: What do you mean, do something?

 

Director: Get him mad, get him ticked, just get him able to be angry at you.

 

Scar: I’ve killed his father, what more could he want?

 

Simba: And did I know this father of mine well?

 

Director: Did you even read the script?

 

Simba: Well, not cover to cover . . .

 

Director: Just . . . just try to hate him.

 

Simba: Do I have any dialogue?

 

Director: Look, you’re going to kill him. You don’t need dialogue.

 

Simba: All I’m saying is, can’t this script be a little better? I mean, if we just . . . His voice dies down so we are unable to hear. He leans in close to the Director, gesturing at the script. Scar leans in as well. The Director and Scar occasionally nod their heads. In the background we see a rope shoot from one side of the camera to the other. We see Timon walking the tightrope behind Simba, Scar, and the Director while balancing plates on sticks. We see him go off screen, then come back on the tightrope wheeling Pumbaa in a wheelbarrow while Pumbaa is juggling eggs. We see him come back across again on a unicycle juggling flaming chainsaws. One falls, cutting the wheel and lighting it on fire. He peddles faster, and we here him scream after he gets off screen. Simba, Scar, and the Director carry on their conversation through all of this without notice.

 

Director: Wow . . . That’s actually not too bad of an idea. It’s a lot better than that other guy. You know, that kid that came in with a hunk of metal in his mouth a couple of weeks ago. Some square from Phoenix or something like that. God, he had some horrible ideas.

 

Simba: So we keep the changes?

 

Director: Alright, we’ll keep ‘em.

 

We see Scar looking offscreen nervously.

 

Scar: I’d better go make those changes to my script. I think I left in my, um . . . yeah, over there.

 

Scar walks hurriedly offscreen, the other way from where he was looking. Simba and the Director watch him for a couple of seconds, then shrug and turn back to each other.

 

Director: Okay, you think you’re ready?

 

Several hyenas are questioning a stage hand. Stage hand points to Director.

 

Simba: Yeah, I think so.

 

Director: Just a little faster this time, a little more urgent. Remember, you’re—

 

Hyenas come over to the Director.

 

Hyena 1: (Wearing a tie and accountant glasses) Hey, we’re looking for a (checks clipboard) Taka Scar. We were told that you might know where he is.

 

Director: Yeah, he’s getting ready in the back. Why, what’s the problem?

 

Hyena 1: We’re from Pridelands Water, Light, and Power. Apparently Mr. Scar is several months behind on his bills. We just needed to inform him that if he did not pay soon, then we would have to take legal action.

 

Simba: I thought you guys usually just cut off the power without warning. It’s normally pretty heartless.

 

Hyena 1: Oh, we do too have hearts. But you see, Mr. Scar here is just a special case. We knew he would be getting paid back soon, so we just decided to wait it out.

 

Simba (unconvinced): Uh-huh.

 

Director: Can’t this wait? Look, we’re shooting the last scene he’s in. After that, he’s all yours.

 

Hyena 1: Of course. We’ll just wait right here.

 

Director: Yeah, help yourself to the food. Turns to Simba. You got it?

 

Simba: Yeah, I got it.

 

Random Zebra: Sir, we only have one hundred gallons of gas left.

 

Director: You hear that? Only one hundred gallons. We can only light this thing up one more time. So get it right. I knew we should have rigged it so we didn’t have to light up the whole thing.

 

Simba: Are you sure that’s safe? I mean, using gas.

 

Director: You aren’t dead, are you? Alright, everyone back to the set! We shoot in two minutes!

 

Simba (to the director while walking away): Look, you said I could have my home back in one piece, but this fire thing . . .

 

Director: You said it was fireproof.

 

Simba: I said fire-resistant. There’s a minor difference . . .

 

Director and Simba walk toward set. Animals are scurrying about as they did before the first shooting. Hyenas move toward the camera, some taking things off it, some taking things from around it. We see their paws reappear with food.

 

Hyena 2: I almost thought that was too easy.

 

Hyena 1: (Taking off tie and glasses) Don’t worry. Remember, right after the scene, he’s all ours.

 

Hyena 2: You know he doesn’t have the money.

 

Hyena 1: (Takes a bite out of an apple) Well, that’s what he gets for working with the mob. Man, I love this movie food.

 

Hyena 3: Yeah, he knows that if you’re going to insult us, you had better have something to back those words up with.

 

Two meerkat stage hands wander over to the table the camera is on. The first appears to be slightly drunk.

 

Stage Hand 1: No, here’s an even better idea. You know how you hate missing your TV shows, right? Okay, here’s what you do. You take a flat piece of metal, and then, you put a flat piece of plastic in it, and then, you put ribbon in the plastic, and it records your TV shows! I’ll call it . . . The TV Show Recorderizer. Yeah. No, wait, here’s another one. You know how you hate having to drive through all that snow? Ok, here’s what you do. You take a flat piece of metal, and you bend it and put it on the front of your car, and it pushes the snow out of the way! I’ll call it . . . The De-Snowerizer. No wait, here’s a better one—The De-Snowerizer. Yeah.

 

Second Stage Hand looks over to the hyena’s giving them the universal “crazy” sign. First stage hand turns around and sees the hyenas.

 

Stage Hand 1: Oh, hey, it’s you guys. Hey, I love your work. (Steps forward drunkenly, and holds out his hand, then suddenly pulls it back.) Hey, here’s another one, just for you. You know how you hate these jerks trespassing in your house at that bad time? And have you ever realized how often that bad time comes up? I mean, it’s like it’s always there. I mean, it’s almost like there never is a good time. Anywho, here’s what you do. You take a flat piece of metal, and you roll it into little wires, and then you put a great big sparking wire in the metal wires, and you put it around your house, and when someone touches it, the go bzzt. I’ll call it . . . The De-Hyenizer. Yeah.

 

Hyena 1: He did not just call us jerks.

 

Hyena 2: Uh, yeah he did.

 

Hyena 1: No, I know he did not just say that.

 

Hyena 3: Sure sounded like it.

 

Hyena 1: Oh, no he did not! Because, if he did, he’s about to be dead in three seconds. Do you know who we are?

 

Stage Hand 1: Well, not you. But he’s the guy (points at a hyena) who goes through my trash can at five a.m. every morning.

 

Hyena 4: I do not!

 

Stage Hand 1: It has to be you. Either that or your mother, because you are too ugl

 

Stage Hand 2: (Clamps a hand around first stage hand’s mouth) And on that note we’ll be going. (Begins to drag first stage hand off-screen)

 

Director: Okay, we’re on in five, four, three, two . . .

 

Hyena 1: You’re lucky we have to go or I’d walk all up and down your furry little backside.

 

Hyenas begin to walk casually toward the stage. We see Simba and Scar having their epic fight for Pride Rock. As in the movie, Scar is thrown off the rock and lands by Shenzi, Banzai and Ed. The hyenas from “PWLP” begin to circle around

 

Scar: Ah, my friends.

 

Shenzi: Friends? I thought he said we were the enemy!

 

Banzai: Yeah, that’s what I heard.

 

Shenzi and Banzai: Ed?

 

Ed: Low, menacing laughter.

 

Scar sees the hyenas from “PWLP” circled around him and his face lights up with sudden terror.

 

Scar: No. L-L-L-Le-Le-Le-Le-Let me explain. No. You don't understand. No! I didn't mean for... No, No! Look, I m sorry I called you... No! NOO!

 

All of the hyenas jump Scar, and he disappears under the pile. We hear him screaming and what sounds like bones breaking. The Director flinches as we see what looks like one of Scar’s legs flying away from the pile.

 

Director: Ooh. . . . Ohhh. Remind me not to forget my bills. (To an assistant) Hey, insurance covers this, right?

 

We see Timon and Pumbaa shifting towards camera, working hard to not be noticed.

 

Assistant: Should. I don’t see why not. Why would we need to anyway?

 

Director: Yeah, good point, no one will miss him. (We see Zira sobbing in the background)

 

Timon grabs the camera and begins to run with it. Begins to fumble with the side of the camera.

 

Timon: See? What’d I tell you? Piece of—

 

Camera image goes static.