HOW SORA RUINED THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

 

Intro:

            I’ve decided to experiment a little bit and make a comedy story.  Except for LeoLion, which is me, every character in this story belongs to either:  Disney, Square Enix, or both.  Well, send hate mail to the6silent6one6@yahoo.com to let me know how this story ruined a perfectly innocent children’s movie, and even an awesome video game.

 

Characters:

Simba

Nala

Kiara

Kovu

Zira

Scar’s Ghost

Vitani

Nuka

Rafiki

Timon

Pumbaa

Zazu

Banzai

Shenzi

Ed

LeoLion (me)

Random Lionesses

Sora

Kairi

Riku

Donald Duck

Goofy

Heartless

 

Locations:

Pride Rock

The Pride Lands

The Jungle

Sahara Desert

Elephant Graveyard

Gorge

Rafiki’s Tree

Cockpit of the Gummi Ship

The Outlands

The Middle of Nowhere

 

Chapter 1:  Yay, It’s My Favorite World

Chapter 2:  While Everyone Was Minding Their Own Business

Chapter 3:  The Ridiculously Short Chapter That Doesn’t Belong In This Story

Chapter 4:  You Don’t Belong Here

Chapter 5:  The Runaway

Chapter 6:  Fight Fire With Fire

Chapter 7:  The Nazi Heartless Party Invades

Chapter 8:  Metal Heads

Chapter 9:  I Want Revenge

Chapter 10:  You’re A Fool

Chapter 11:  Forgiven

Chapter 12:  Could You Please Spare Me Some Cheese?

Chapter 13:  Another Random Chapter That Doesn’t Belong In This Story

Chapter 14:  What a Mess

Chapter 15:  The Cube of Death?

Chapter 16:  Leaving the Kingdom in Shame

 

WARNING:  This is an immature story.  Aside from random stuff and a few subtle jokes, this is mostly sophomoric humor.

 

Chapter 1:  Yay, It’s My Favorite World

 

            Sora, Donald, and Goofy were in their Gummi Ship heading for the Pride Lands.  They brought Kairi and Riku with them but the two of them had to stay in the waiting room due to a lack of space in the cockpit.  Sora was so excited that he ran to the waiting room to speak with his friends.  When he got back there he caught Kairi and Riku making out on the sofa, “Hey!!  Kairi, what do you think you’re doing?!!”

Kairi was caught off guard, she blushed a little bit, “Oh, Sora… I-I didn’t see you there.”

“Yeah freak, buzz off.” Riku said coldly.

“Ahhhhh!!!!  I’m going to KILL YOU!!”  Sora readied his Keyblade and swiftly chopped off Riku’s head.  Shortly afterwards Riku just grew a new head.

“Wha-wha-how’d you do that?!!” Sora asked.

“I have 50,000,000HP.”

“Whaaat?!!  That’s more than Sephiroth, the hardest boss in the game!!  How do you have so many HP, I only have 55.”

“Gameshark.” Riku replied.

Sora glared at him, “I hate you Riku…”

Kairi glared at Sora, “God Sora, get a life.”

After that sentence Kairi and Riku continued making out on the sofa, completely ignoring Sora.

“Fine, but don’t blame me if you two miss out on my favorite world.”

“We won’t.” Riku called out.

Sora thought to himself, “I hate you Riku…”

 

Chapter 2:  While Everyone Was Minding Their Own Business

 

            Meanwhile at Pride Rock all of the random animals were singing a song called “One of Us.”  After the song ended Kiara fought with Simba and ran out of the cave.  Zira was plotting to take over Pride Rock and Nuka was already dead.  Everything was going according to Disney’s plan… but Square Enix and LeoLion had other plans.  Neither of them agreed so LeoLion had the brains removed from the entire staff of Square Enix.  He combined all of their brains into one then ate it to gain their knowledge of story making.

            Basically Kiara’s leaving, Simba’s sulking, the Kingdom Hearts gang is flying, Nuka is dying, Zira is plotting, Kovu is searching, LeoLion is thinking, and Disney is worrying.

 

Chapter 3:  The Ridiculously Short Chapter That Doesn’t Belong in This Story

 

            “We’re gonna die!!!” cried Aladdin who was watching his world, Agrabah, be taken over by heartless.  “Where’s Sora?” he cried.  “Oh no!  They’re-”

 

Chapter 4:  You Don’t Belong Here

 

            When the Kingdom Hearts crew arrived they showed up in the middle of the Savannah, Sora began jumping around excitedly “Yay, it’s the Lion King world!!  It’s the Pride Lands!!  I can’t wait to see Simba again.”

Kairi rolled her eyes, “Sora!  You’re sixteen years old now, you’re too old for Disney movies.  Look at you, your best friends are still Donald and Goofy.  Get a life loser.”

“Hey, the guy writing this story is seventeen, he’s even older than me.”

“Yeah, but at least he uses his computer time productively.  I’ve seen what you use the computer for; and trust me, none of those girls are going to want you.”

Riku laughed, “Ha, poor little Sora, he’s still a virgin.”  Riku, Donald, Goofy, and Kairi all started laughing at Sora.  Sora started crying, then he ran off to Pride Rock; nobody followed him, they all stayed behind laughing.

Riku yelled out to Sora, “Ah, did we make the poor little virgin cry and run away?” everyone laughed harder.

“[Bleep] YOU!!!” Sora yelled out behind him.

“Ha, the poor little loser can’t even say it.  Ha!”

            After the laughing stopped Riku and Kairi gazed deeply into each other’s eyes, they slowly inched closer to each other until Riku remembered that Donald and Goofy were still standing a few yards away from them.  Riku stopped suddenly and turned to face the two animals that Sora knew so well, “Um, I guess since Kairi and I have lion bodies now we’re going to get used to them… over there.” Riku pointed his paw at a thicket of bushes.

“Yeah, do whatever you want.” Donald said in an uncaring voice.  Riku and Kairi walked over to the bushes and submerged themselves in them.

            “What’s on your mind, Donald?” Goofy asked.

“It’s about Sora and how we’ve kept him from living a normal life.” Donald replied.

“Uh, what’dya mean?”

“Well, it’s just that because he’s been hanging around us he hasn’t really matured like he should’ve.”

“Aw, don’t worry about that.”

“Gee, that actually makes a lot of sense.”

“You see?  I knew that it wouldn’t be a big deal.”

“Well, I feel better now; just don’t worry about it, I won’t.”

 

            When Sora made it to Pride Rock he approached one of the lionesses.  “Who are you?  You’re not a Lion King character!!” she snarled.
“I’m Sora, I’m Simba’s friend.”

“What are you talking about, you’re not even a Lion King character!!  You don’t belong here.  Get out!!”

“But, I’m here to see king Simba.”

“I won’t tell you again, you don’t exist in any of the Lion King movies, you can’t see Simba.  Get out of my face… NOW!!!!”

Zazu noticed the two fighting and decided to jump in.

“Ah, Sora, follow me, I’ll take you to Simba.”

“Uh, thanks.” Sora said.  He gave the lioness a taunting look which made her growl.

Zazu led Sora into the mouth of Pride Rock, upon entering Sora couldn’t help but comment on what he saw.  “…Awesome…” Sora whispered to himself.  “How are they in that position?”

            Zazu landed right on Simba’s back and told him that Sora was here.  Simba grunted a little bit before responding, “Oh, ok-k-k-kay” his voice was jumping from very high pitches to very low pitches, “I’ll be done in f-f-f-five more seconds.”

“OH!!” shrieked Nala, “Why can’t he come back later?”

“Oh, here we go!!!” Simba grunted as he increased his speed exponentially. 

            Once they were done Nala rolled over onto her back; she started laughing and said, “Why do you always make that face?  It’s absolutely hysterical.” She kept on laughing.

Simba glared at Sora, “Why did you have to come at the worst possible moment?  What were you thinking?!!  You’re not a member of the Lion King universe; you can’t just come and go as you please!!!”

Sora still stood there with a grin on his face, “Simba… what you were doing when I first walked in… that was AWESOME!!!  Teach me how your ways!!!”
“No, it’s a family secret.”

“But-”

“I said NO!!!  Deal with it.  Now what do you want.” Simba said irritably.

“Well, I came to see you.”

“You should’ve called first.”

“Sorry.”
“And, now that you’re here, the heartless are going to come.  Why do you keep doing this to me?!!  Quit coming here, I’m tired of fighting your battles for you.”

“But-”

“Enough!!  Just because I’m at a higher LV than you doesn’t mean that I feel like fighting in all of these battles.”

“But, you’re only half a LV higher than me.”
“I don’t care, you’re at LV 40, and I’m at LV 41.  I’m stronger than you, so beat it kid.”

Sora started sniffling a little bit, “…Everyone’s at a higher LV than me, and it’s not fair…”

“Too bad.” Simba snarled, “you’re the weakest and you always will be, deal with it.”

            Sora ran out of the king’s den and jumped off of Pride Rock, he landed in a different section of the savannah and headed north.

 

It started raining cats and dogs, and so the lions had their feast.

 

Chapter 5:  The Runaway

 

            “Kiara, wait!  Let’s have a little bit of ‘fun’ before we go back.”

“What do you mean Kovu?”

Kovu grinned, “Well all of that romantic music was playing just now, why don’t we go into those bushes there and… you know.”

“Oh!” Kiara gasped in excitement.  “All right, let’s go!” she squealed.

            Once they got into the bushes, Kiara laid on her stomach and lifted up her tail, Kovu walked up behind Kiara, “Wait a minute.” He said.

“What?” Kiara asked.

“Where do me-”

“You mean you don’t know?”

“No, I know, it’s just… there’s no place to put it in.  Wait a minute… I don’t have anything myself, it’s just fur.”

“Huh, you’re right!!!”

“How have I even gone to the bathroom all of these years?” Kovu asked.

“I have no idea, I don’t even know if I’ve ever gone to the bathroom.”

“Ugh, curse Disney, they didn’t give us the necessary equipment to do the job.  They had to censor us for the children.”

“Wait, then how did my parent’s bring me into the world?”

“I don’t know!!  I don’t even know who my parents are!  My very first memory is of you bumping into me, then crocodiles chased us, next our parents came and got us, then my mom sang to me.  My next memory doesn’t come for a couple years after that.”

“Yeah, after my father sang to me I have no memories until the day of my first hunt.”

“It’s Disney again, they’re controlling our lives.  We can’t choose our own paths.”

“Oh my, you’re right!!  Why do we only exist in stories where we have no control over anything?  This sucks!!”

            Suddenly a seventeen year old dude with awesome hair came down out of the sky.  “I heard you call for me…”

“Nobody called for you!” Kiara yelled, “Who are you anyway?”

“My name is not important, but I prefer to be called LeoLion.”

“You’re not a lion.” Kovu said.

“YES I AM!!!!” LeoLion insisted.

“Wait it says at the top of the page in your email address that you’re Zackary Elliott.” Kovu pointed out.

“Yeah right.  Like I’d post my real name on the internet, that may not even be my real email address.  Not to mention the fact that it’s a very generic name, do you know how many Zackary Elliotts there are in this world.”

“Umm, I’m gonna have to say there’s 35,981 Zackary Elliotts on Earth that spell their names like that.” Kiara said.

“Yeah, and about 1/12th of them are Leos.” Kovu pointed out.

“ENOUGH!!  I said I’d never post my real name on here, I’m not stupid.  Or maybe that’s what I expect the world to believe so as a cover up it is my real name.”

“So… which is it?” Kovu asked.

“None of your business.”

“What do you want from us?” Kiara asked.

“I’m here to help you.”

Kovu grinned, “So, you can help us huh?”

“That’s correct.”

“Well then, how’s about you…” Kovu started whispering in LeoLion’s ear.
“What?!  I had such an innocent image of you guys and you decide to do something like this?!  No, I should’ve never come here in the first place.”

“Ah, come on; I can’t contain this feeling anymore.” Kiara whined.

“Well, I’m sorry but it’s not going to happen.  What would the children of the world think?”

 “I don’t care, we need this.” Kovu said.

“Besides how else are we supposed to have a cub?” Kiara asked.

“Just wait until the end of the story.  That’s what your parents did.”
“That’s lame.” Kovu cried out.

“I know, but it’s the Circle of Life.”

“Ah crap, you’re right.” Kiara said.

“But I know that your parents have done it before, I’ve heard them.” Kovu said.

“What?  When?” Kiara asked, “Are you spying on my parents during their private moments?”

“Whenever you were gone and I hung around the Pride Lands, they were just so loud that I couldn’t help but hear them.” Kovu said with a grin.

“What?!!  How come they get to?!!  Ugh, I really want to myself.  Oh, so badly do I want this Kovu!!”

“Come on LeoLion, why can’t you do anything?”

“I don’t have Disney’s express written consent to change your guys’ appearances.”

“Then get it, quickly.” Kovu cried.

“Are you kidding me?!  Do you know what a pain in the ass it would be to get one of those!!  Besides they’d never give it to a seventeen year old teenager anyway.”

“Ugh, why not?” Kiara started whining, “Come on!  I really want this, go get that expressed written consent thingy or whatever.  I can’t stand not knowing what it’s like.”

“Listen to me!!  It’s NOT going to happen, do you hear me?  N-O-T going to happen.  I’m sorry but you’re going to have to think of some other way that I can help you.”

Kovu stopped and thought for a moment, “Wait a minute.  You’re a human, how can you even communicate with us?”

“No, don’t say anything.”

“What?” Kovu asked.

“Kovu, now we can’t understand each other!”

“What?” Kovu and Kiara both cried out.

            LeoLion started floating back up into the clouds; a frog looked up, “Oh my, Jesus has come back.”

“No, you sound just like the freshmen at my school.  I’m not Jesus, my hair’s not even the right color anymore!!” LeoLion said.

LeoLion started muttering to himself, “Man, you try to do something nice for someone and this is how they treat you.  I tell you I’m never bringing any children into this world.”

“That was weird.” Kovu said.

“Oh, good job Kovu!!” Kiara said sarcastically, “Now he’s gone and he can’t help us!!!  Why do you always do this to me?!!” and with that, Kiara stormed off.

 

Chapter 6:  Fight Fire With Fire

 

            Another fire sprouted in the Pride Lands, Simba was pacing in front of it, “First Kiara runs off, then Sora pops up again, then Zira decides to attack, and now this fire…  Why are the story writers always trying to make my life so dramatic?”

“Don’t worry Simba.” Sora said heroically as he ran up to the wildfire.

“What is it now?”

“Fire!” Sora called out as he unleashed a fireball from his keyblade.  Once the fireball connected with the wildfire it grew.

“WHAT ON EARTH do you think you’re doing?!!!” Simba roared.

“It’s the old saying, ‘Fight fire with fire.’”

“That’s not what they mean when they say it!!!  You’re an idiot, get out of here now!!!”

“Water!” Riku called out as he unleashed a waterball from his blade.

For some unknown reason this one waterball completely doused the entire wildfire.

Kairi came up behind Riku, “Oh Riku, you’re so awesome.”

“Yeah, I know.” Riku smugly said.

“Riku, huh?”  Simba said, “Well then Riku, thank you for saving my kingdom.  You and your girlfriend there are welcome here anytime.”

“Cool!” Kairi called out.

“Thanks Simba.” Said Riku.

“Yep, you two are now honorary Lion King universe members.”

“Sweet!” said Riku.

“What about me?” Sora asked.

“You, you made things worse!  I don’t want you anywhere near here, do you understand me?!!!” Simba roared in fury.

Sora turned around in disappointment, then he glared at Riku and spoke under his breath, “I hate you Riku…”

 

Chapter 7:  The Nazi Heartless Party Invades

 

            After the fire was put out the sky grew dark.  Sora gasped, “It’s the heartless!”

“Oh great, not this again!” Simba cried out.

“Well you must’ve known this was going to happen since I showed up here.” Sora said.

“I never asked you to come here.  In fact, I asked you to leave!” Simba roared.

“It’s no use Simba, he’s a complete douchebag.” Riku said.

“Ugh, tell me about it.” Kairi sighed.

“Hey!  He may be douchebag but he’s our friend.” Donald said.

“Yeah!” Goofy said.

“What are you two talking about?  You laughed at me when Riku called me a virgin!”
“Because that was so funny.  I mean how many sixteen year olds these days are virgins?”

“The guy writing this story is seventeen and he’s still a virgin.”

“Yeah but he’s cool.” Simba said, “He looks like Jesus.”

“I AM NOT JESUS!!!!” a voice cried out from the sky, this caused everywhere to look up; they dismissed it since nobody saw anything.

“Anyway, look you two; the heartless are coming and the three of us have to stop them.” Riku said.

“Yeah, come on guys.” Sora replied.

“Actually Sora, I meant Simba, Kairi and I.  Maybe Nala if she wants to.”

“No, I’m good.” Nala said as she sat on a rock.

“Well, that’s that.  Come on everyone let’s go.”

“Nala, baby-sit Sora for us, we’ve got work to do.” Simba called out.

“Ugh fine, I’ll watch the little brat.” Nala sighed.

“Okay, let’s go.”

“Hey, wait up!” Sora called.

Nala grabbed Sora by the scruff, “You’re not going anywhere.  You have work to do here.”

“What work?!” Sora groaned.

 

Chapter 8:  Metal Heads

 

            Before Simba, Riku, and Kairi could get off of Pride Rock LeoLion floated down from the clouds.

“Oh, my goodness!!  It’s Jesus!” cried out a lioness of the pride.

“Wow, Jesus has returned!!” cried out another lioness.

“Hey, who are those people with him?” asked the first lioness.

“I don’t know.” Said a third lioness.

“Jesus!!!” Cried out a young cub, “Mommy, mommy, look, look, it’s Jesus!!!  Yay Jesus!!!!”

LeoLion got very frustrated, “I AM NOT JESUS!!!!  HOLY CRAP, I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THAT ENOUGH!!!!”

“Take it easy man.” Cried a lioness.

“Then stop calling me Jesus.  My hair is no longer brown, not to mention I shaved all of my facial hair except for the beard.”

“Yeah, but you still look like Jes-”

“If you finish that sentence, then I will not be held accountable for my actions.  This is my story and I could kill any one of you at any moment.”

“No you can’t, this is still the middle of The Lion King 2; until you get past that point you can’t do anything to anyone.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.  I can’t kill off any of the main characters, but any random lioness in the pride isn’t going to be missed by anyone.  By the way, why are there suddenly so many of you when your two prides fight each other at the end of the movie, but in every scene before that, there’s like 10 of you?”

“Thanks for giving away the ending!” Nala cried out.

“All I said was there’s going to be a fight.”

“Why are you here anyway?  We were just about to fight the heartless.” Simba said.

“Oh, I’m just stalling until I can come up with an epic fight scene to write.”

“What about the heartless?”

“They’re not gonna do anything until I write it down.  Sheesh, don’t worry about it.”

“So…” Simba said.

“So…”

 

“Wait, who are these people that you brought with you?”

“Oh, these are some of my friends.  I brought the ones who listen to Heavy Metal like me.”
“What are their names?”
“In order to protect their safety I’m calling them; known forever girl, J-Man from video production, A-Man from video production, John Lyle Murphy, Hayze, and The Clone.”

“So why are they here?” Riku asked.

“All of us are here to put on a concert for you guys.”

 

            LeoLion, A-Man, and The Clone all pulled out their electric guitars.  Known forever girl got her piano, John Lyle Murphy got out his electric keyboard, J-Man took out his drum set, and Hayze pulled out his bass guitar.  LeoLion, J-Man, and Hayze started playing “Iron Man”.

“Boo, this song sucks.” Simba jeered.

“Yeah, I’ve never liked this song.” Riku called out, “It’s so cliché and you can hear it anywhere.”

“Play something else!!” Kairi called out.

“Okay, okay, fine!  I didn’t think you guys were so picky about music.”

Everyone joined in for “The Howling”, except this time known forever girl was singing.

“Ahh, you’re making my ears bleed!!!” Simba cried out in anguish.

“Okay fine.  All right guys, let’s play ‘Ground’.”

“NO!!!” jeered the audience.

“‘Slaying the Prophets ov Isa’ then.”

“Oh, god no!!”

“Okay, fine.  Let’s just make something up on the spot.”

            Everyone started playing and got into a rhythm for a few seconds before LeoLion missed a strum which caused J-Man and Hayze to go off on their own little thing, meanwhile known forever girl and John Lyle Murphy tried to keep up with the other two and all of the guitarists went into random solos together.  Basically it just became a bunch of random noises that no person could possibly stand to listen to.  They played randomly like that for thirty-five minutes, and they would only add lyrics occasionally, but the person who sang them was always someone different.

“Dude… that… was… the most… the most… the most… the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard in my life!!!” Simba cried out.

“Yeah, that rocked!!!” Nala yelled in excitement.

“That was the coolest!!!” Sora cried out.

“Be quiet loser, you don’t have an opinion.” yelled a random lioness from before.

            There were many indistinguishable cheers throughout everyone on Pride Rock.

LeoLion took the mic, “Thank you!!!  Thank You!!!  We’ll be here for five more seconds!!!”

After five seconds passed by everyone began floating into the clouds above them.

“Oh, wait Simba I forgot to tell you.  I know where your daughter is.”  LeoLion called out.

“What?  Where is she?”  But it was too late, LeoLion had already surfaced above the clouds.

“Goodbye Jesus!” the cub yelled out.

“THAT DOES IT!!!!”  Just then a lightning bolt struck the cub.

Then a lioness walked up to the smoldering ashes that remained, “Oh no” she said not even trying to fake concern “my cub, she’s dead.  Oh no, oh tear, oh sob, oh crying.” She said in a completely emotionless monotone.

 

Chapter 9:  I Want Revenge

 

            “Well, we should probably get going now.” Simba said to Nala.

“Okay, come back soon.”

“Why can’t I go?” Sora whined.

“Because you have to stay here and fight off the hyenas.” Nala explained.

“What?!  Why?”

“Because then I won’t have to.  Now get to it.”

“I hate you Riku…” Sora muttered under his breath.  Sora walked into Pride Rock where Nala could hear that he was getting beaten up.

“Don’t worry Sora!” she called from her seat outside, “They’ll tire out eventually… if they don’t kill you that is.” then Nala hummed “Hakuna Matata” to herself.

 

            Just as Simba, Riku, and Kairi made it to the savannah Scar’s Ghost materialized in front of them.

“Simba… I want revenge Simba… revenge!!”

“Uh…” Simba groaned as he tilted his head upwards.  “What do you want now.” he said putting a huge emphasis on the words ‘what’ and ‘now’.

“Simba… I want revenge Simba… revenge!!”

“Yeah, you said that already.”
“…revenge…”

“Get to the point already.”

“…revenge… I… revenge… want… Simba… revenge…”

“Come on guys, let’s just go.”

“NO!!!  Simba… revenge… I… want…”

“I can kill you again you know.”

“Simba… you ate my poprocks.”

“What?!”

“I’ve never forgiven you and your father for taking my poprocks and coke.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It was five months after you were born.  I had a can of coke and a packet of poprocks.  Your father took them from me, he gave you the poprocks and he kept the coke for himself.  Why do you think I killed him and then tried to kill you?”

“Because you’re evil!”

“No… it’s because you ate my food.  Now you will suffer for it.”

“Wait!  How did you get poprocks and coke anyway?”
“I know a guy.”
“You know a guy?”

“Yes, I know a guy.  Do you have a problem with that?”
“No… but I do have one thing to say to you.”

“What’s that?”

 

Chapter 10:  You’re A Fool

 

            “You’re a fool!!!”

 

Chapter 11:  Forgiven

 

            “I’m the fool?!!!” Scar roared out.

“Yes, you are.  Didn’t you know that someone named Mikey died from eating poprocks and drinking soda in the ‘70s?  His stomach blew up.”

“That’s just an urban legend.”

“Then how come I heard about it when I live so far away from an urban area, huh?” Simba said smugly.

“Touché.” Scar said defeated.

“Now, what is the last thing that you’re allowed to say to me?”
“That I forgive you.  Oh crap!!!  Now I’m banished from the afterlife!  I’ll just fade away into nothing now.  How dare you Simba…” Scar’s Ghost then faded away into nothing.

 

Chapter 12:  Could You Please Spare Me Some Cheese?

 

            Zira and Vitani were walking through the Outlands plotting their attack on Pride Rock.

“Mom, do have some cheese?”

“What do you want cheese for Vitani?”

“I need cheese, I NEED it.”

“For what?”

“For, what not.”

“What?!”

“Why?”

“Huh?”

“Exactly.”

“KNOCK THAT OFF RIGHT NOW!!!!” Zira commanded, “I’m not giving you any cheese.”

“But mom, I’ll die if I don’t have some cheese soon.”

“Then die.  See if I care.”

“Fine, but if Kiara gives a speech on how ‘We Are One’ and that there’re no differences between the Outlanders and the Pridelanders then I’m taking her side.”

“Didn’t I already tell you that I don’t care?” Zira snarled.

“Hey what happened to Kiara and Kovu anyway, they’ve only been in one chapter so far.  And why are we only in the beginning of this chapter?”

“I don’t-”

 

            Suddenly the scene shifted from Zira and Vitani to Kiara and Kovu who were trying to figure out how they could defy their parents through coitus.

“But Kiara, I know that your parents have done it before.”

“And how do you know that?  You heard LeoLion, they probably just waited until the end of the story.”

“No, I know that they’ve done it.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve accidentally caught my mother taking care of her urges by using round rocks.  They have the material to get the job done, why don’t we?”

“Huh.” Kiara gasped as she discovered something, “It’s because the camera’s on us.  We’re only censored because of the children.  The moment that the camera goes away…”

“…We’ll be able to do this.  Awesome!!”

 

            Well I’d better leave them alone for a little while, let’s see what Rafiki’s up to.

 

Chapter 13:  Another Random Chapter That Doesn’t Belong In This Story

 

            “Hey!  What are you doing here?!” Rafiki yelled at the camera.  “Get out of my face!  I’m busy consulting Timon and Pumbaa here!”

“Yeah man, get out of here!” Timon yelled.

“Yeah.” Pumbaa agreed.

“Geez, I thought it would be a pleasure visiting everyone from my favorite Disney movie.  So far I’ve been insulted, inquisitioned, booed, and now I’m being shooed.  I’m never coming back here again, all of you are terrible in person.” LeoLion said as he took his camera out of Rafiki’s Tree.

 

            The Elephant Graveyard was covered in smoke… but what else is new?

THE END…?

WHAT HOW IS THIS THE END, AREN’T THERE STILL THREE MORE CHAPTERS?

NOPE.

YES THERE ARE.

NO THERE AREN’T.

YES THERE ARE, LOOK AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE.

SHHHHHHHHH……… DON’T TELL ANYONE.

DON’T TELL ANYONE WHAT?

SHHHHHHHHH, KNOCK IT OFF!  SOMEONE WILL HEAR YOU.

WELL GOOD!  MAYBE I WANT TO BE HEARD!!!

QUIT READING THIS OVER MY SHOULDER AND GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM!!!!

NO.

EXCUSE ME?

NO.

I’M OLDER THAN YOU BY FOUR YEARS.

SO.

LEAVE!

FINE, BUT I’M TELLING!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 14:  What a Mess

 

            “Wow… that was it?” Kiara said as she walked out of the bushes with Kovu following closely behind.

“I guess so…” Kovu said disappointedly, “That wasn’t nearly as great as everyone makes it seem.”
“I know!  That was horrible, in fact that actually hurt quite a lot!!!”

“Sorry…” Kovu said weakly.
“You should be!  Why didn’t you stop when I asked you to?!!!” Kiara roared out.

“I wasn’t done yet.”

“I don’t care, when I say stop you need to stop IMMEDIATELY!!!”

“Well I was trying to finish up!  I couldn’t leave a mess all over the ground for Simba to see.”

“Ugh, whatever… I’m leaving.”

“Hey wait!”

“Goodbye.” And with that Kiara ran off towards Pride Rock.

“Dammit!” Kovu roared, “My mom warned me about this… Why didn’t I listen?”

 

            Kiara came across a heartless on her way back home, “What are you supposed to be?!” she whispered to herself.  Suddenly Simba and Riku pounced on it.

“Dad!” Kiara cried.

“Kiara!  What are you doing out here?!  I told you to stay at home!!!”

“I’m sorry father.” Kiara looked down then she began crying.

“What’s wrong, uh… Kiara?” Simba said.

“Did you just forget my name?!”

“No, well maybe, anyway, what’s wrong?”

“…It’s Kovu.”

“What did he do now?!” Simba yelled.

“He didn’t stop when he was supposed to.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, we were.  I’m sorry.” Simba was agitated, but at least he knew.  “Let’s just go home, I’ll deal with this later.”

 

            Eventually they made it back to Pride Rock, “What is this?” Simba roared out.

Sora got up abruptly, “It was an accident, she did it!” Sora quickly pointed at Nala.

“Yeah right!!  You’re never welcome here again!!!” Simba roared.

“Sleeping with the queen?!  Smooth move dork!” Riku called out.

“Yeah, I mean, isn’t she a little old for you?” Kairi said as she laughed.

“You’re right she is!” Simba roared.

“Say, what!” bursted Nala.

“You’re not old, he’s just too young; so in comparison-”

Nala glared at Simba, “Never mind.” He said.

Sora stood there laughing at the situation.

“Shut up NOW!!!!” Simba commanded.

“Yeah, besides I just took the pregnancy test while you two were arguing and now I’m having HIS baby!” Nala chimed in.

“Uhh… what?” Sora said in a stupor.

“I said that I’m having your baby!”

“Umm… I’ve gotta go now, I think that I’m needed in the…” Sora just mumbled after that.

“What?”

“I’m leaving on important business related information.” With that lame excuse Sora magically teleported into his Gummi Ship with Donald and Goofy.

 

Chapter 15:  The Cube of Death?

 

            The DVD that “The Lion King” existed on suddenly metamorphasized into a cube.  Everyone in it felt themselves somehow expanding until they popped and died.  They would expand to the point of just popping.  LeoLion once again fell from the sky to address the denizens of the Pride Lands.

“Everyone, come with me or you’ll all die.”

“Oh great, it’s you again!” Simba groaned.

“Come with me.”

“Hey, do have ANY idea what’s going on here?!!”

“Of course I do, I wrote all of this, anything I type down happens!”

“WHAT?!  HOW DARE YOU make a mockery of my kingdom!!!!”

“Excuse me!!  I’ll do whatever I want to your kingdom here!  Besides I’m here offering my help to you and you just deny it!  Would you rather stay here and die?!!!”

“Maybe I would!” Simba yelled back contently.

“Why is this happening anyway?” Nala chimed in.

“Because Sora got you pregnant.  He interfered with the royal family and disrupted the circle of life, he then opened a rift which distorted the circle into a 3 dimensional cube.”

“Why did you let him do that?!”  a random lioness cried.

“For the sake of comedy.”

“There’s nothing funny about this!” Simba roared, “Now everything is screwed up!!!”

“You know what?  If you… creatures can’t appreciate my comedic genius then you can all die for all I care!”

“Dude, you’re light-years away from being a comedic genius.” Kovu said as he climbed atop Pride Rock in search of Kiara.

“Kovu, stay away from my daughter!!!” Simba yelled.

Kovu just stood his ground, “Don’t look at me.  He’s the one that wrote this.” Of course he was pointing his paw up at LeoLion who was escaping.

“YOU COWARD!!!” Simba roared.

 

            This was the last sentence that would ever be uttered by anybody in the universe of “The Lion King”.  Just then the circular disc became a cube and everything within in popped into a bloody pool of deep, dark, red.

 

Chapter 16:  Leaving the Kingdom in Shame

 

            LeoLion felt very bad for doing this to the world of one of his all-time favorite movies.  So he showed a little bit of mercy and decided to make all of this a bad dream for Simba.

 

Aftermath:

LeoLion was constantly harassed by young children for ruining their favorite movie.  He would ignore them and continue writing more lame fan fiction stories.

Simba would die for no reason.

Nala would die lonely.

Kiara and Kovu would run away from home and never return.

LeoLion’s parents would cry when they read this story and see what an immature child they’ve raised.

Rafiki would become a black belt in Monkey-Fu and would always emerge champion at the annual “Tournament of Champions.”

Zazu would never do anything more with his life than deliver messages.

Timon and Pumbaa would lose the will to live after Simba’s death and join a cult that ends in suicide… LeoLion would lead that cult.

The Cube of Death would grow to be the Pentagon of Souls and later the Hexagon of 666.

Nobody ever heard from Sora, Kairi, Riku, Donald, or Goofy again… and nobody really cared.

Vitani never got her cheese from Zira.  Zira was too greedy so she committed suicide with the cheese in her mouth.  Vitani died from a low lactose intake.

Scar’s Ghost fled the scene once he no longer felt vengeance in his soul.  Now he spends his days playing cards with Mussolini, Hitler, and various other totalitarian rulers of the post-WWI era.

Monarchy died with Simba.  Kovu preferred Communism and spread it throughout the Pride Lands, twenty years after he died...

 

Outro:

I’m sorry for this horrible piece of garbage.  I know that this story is immature and has a lot of tasteless comedy, and all of the random bits are just plain weird.  Hopefully, if anybody ever reads this, you noticed all of the subtle jokes scattered around.  Well, I hope that you didn’t hate it.  I really do like sophisticated comedy but I’m not at that level yet.