Identity Crisis

A "Winds of Change" Story

By Brian Eirik Coe

I hate it when everyone is staring at me, particularly when they are all looking at me like I'm insane.

I was frowning as I helped Jon up to his feet. "What's wrong?"

I could smell the exhaustion coming off Jon, but there was concern in that scent. "Brian, are you feeling okay?"

I smiled warily. Something was up, but I couldn't put a hoof on what it was yet. "Other than a bit of a headache, I'm fine. What's the problem?"

Kim walked over and touched my arm tentatively. " What do you remember?"

I put my arm around her shoulders and lick kissed her at the base of her beak. To my surprise, she recoiled slightly. "Kim, what's wrong?" I looked at everyone staring at me, "Will someone just tell me what's wrong?"

Maxine was panting hard, seeming to be near panic. "Oh God, I screwed up again!" She turned and buried her head in her brothers bullish chest, who I noted took the opportunity to throw a smug look at Jon.

Kim reached up and ran a taloned hand over my antlers. "This isn't you, Brian. You aren't a deer."

I snuffed in amusement. "How do you explain these antlers, then?"

Kim flashed a slightly angry look between me and Jon and back to me. "You two and your stupid points. Do you remember why you two were sparring?"

"Sure, because Tim was giving Jon a hard time about being a deer morph. We just wanted to show him how tough deer really were."

Jon had finally caught his breath, "How far back do you remember being a deer, Brian?"

I frowned as I looked at the faces around me. This wasn't making any sense at all. "Jon, what are you talking about? I've been a deer since June. You know that."

He shook his head. "You've been a deer since about three hours ago. Maxine made you a duplicate of me."

I grinned at that, "Jon, you and I aren't duplicates. My coloring is different and..."

"... you have more points, yes, I know." he said in annoyance. "Maxine made some changes. But you were an eagle morph. You have been since the Change."

I looked at the group in wider confusion. "What the hell is going on here? Is this some sort of joke?"

Bryan shook his head. "It's not a joke. You're confused. Whatever Maxine did must have done something to your mind as well."

It suddenly hit me. This wasn't a joke. They were all dead serious. I could see it in their expressions, smell it coming off them. The anxiety coming off Maxine was palpable, and the smell I got from Kim was only slightly less so. I felt my ears flip back, "But I remember! I woke up on the morning of the Change with antlers! I remember."

I was running my hands all over my head. It was all like I remembered. Everything. The huge ears that seemed to act on their own like radar towers, the moist nose that picked up every scent for miles around, the smoother, soft fur that covered it all. The antlers, until only a few weeks ago covered in heavy velvet. It was all familiar to me.

It was me.

Kim looked hard at Maxine. "Can't you fix this?"

Maxine wiped her nose. "I'm not sure. This never happened with Grace when I did this on her. But when I experimented with timing it, it always went away after a day or two."

Then she looked mildly frantic at Bryan. "Can't you do something?"

Bryan seemed to consider it for a moment, then shook his head. "Kim, I don't think I want to try. I'm not sure what Maxine did. If I do something wrong, it could make things worse."

"What about Tim?"

Now Tim looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"You can nullify our powers!" Maxine exclaimed excitedly. "You can just nullify what I did!"

Tim looked even more perplexed for a second, then he seemed to remember. "Oh yeah! Like I did back at the hospital! But how?"

That's when I held up a hand. "Wait a minute guys!" Everyone looked at me. "I'm not sure what the hell is going on here, but I have a pretty firm memory of what I am, and I'm still not totally convinced that this isn't some elaborate joke. I think I need to think about things a bit."

Bryan nodded, "Why don't we go back to my house. We can figure out what's going on there."

There was agreement all around, and we made for Jon's truck. Kim stayed clinging to my arm silently, and I ran my hoofed hand through her neck feathers. I loved the way they felt and smelled. She looked up slightly into my eyes as if to say something, but seemed to reconsider and stopped. Instead, she squeezed a little harder on my arm.

I sighed. I was confused, and getting more confused by the minute. This didn't make any sense. How could I have such clear memories and be so completely wrong? I was beginning to get frustrated, and as we reached the car I tensed my abdomen to bring up some cud to chew.

I stopped suddenly and yelled, "Ugh!" as I spit out what came up. Mixed with the salad I had for lunch were some smooth stones. "What was that?"

Everyone, understandably, avoided looking at the sodden mess on the ground. As Jon opened his door, he glanced back and said, "Probably your gizzard stones. Still think this is a joke?"

We drove back to Bryan's house in relative silence. Maxine had finally calmed down most of the way, but still seemed a bit jumpy. Kim actually seemed to be getting more and more fidgety as we got closer to the house, and I guessed that it was because she wanted to talk to me in private. Tim, at least, had shut his trap. I was confused enough without having to deal with his questionable beliefs. I had the horrible feeling, though, that as soon as he was settled we wouldn't hear the end of him.

I was most impressed with the way that Bryan was handling this. If what everyone was saying was true, I'd have expected him to react badly. But, he didn't seem terribly upset, certainly not like when I got stuck in norm...

That was strange. That memory seemed gone. I remembered Maxine asking me on the beach if I wanted to try a normal deer, and my next clear memory is everyone finding me in the woods. But just this morning, hadn't I been talking to Bryan about that time? That didn't make any sense.

Unless everyone was right. Unless I had been an eagle. Unless for some reason my memories were reworked.

We pulled into the driveway and piled out. We walked in to find the place quiet, both Bryan's father and brother were out. We made our way into the living room and sat down. Kim sat on the arm of the sofa, so as not to entangle her tailfeathers.

Jon tapped his hand nervously on the glass endtable, my ears rotating around to point at the sharp sound, "What do we do now?"

I glanced around the room. "Look, is there something pressing about me changing back? I mean, didn't Maxine say that this would only last a couple days?"

Everyone looked at each other, "I guess nothing seriously pressing, except your interview in Boston in a week or so." Said Bryan. "But it's a little worrisome that your memory is all screwed up. I really wish Jack was still here. He'd probably be able to figure out just how bad it is, or if it's permanent."

Jon's ears went up, "Can you get a hold of him?"

Bryan seemed to consider a moment, then shook his head. "I think I could, but I'm not sure that he'd help. He's got something important cooking."

Kim looked at him seriously. "More important than this?"

Bryan looked around a little and sighed. I got the impression that he'd already said more than he intended. "It's important, but don't ask."

There was a slight moment of silence, and Tim leaned back, "Isn't everyone missing something obvious?" he asked.

All eyes turned toward him. "What?" I asked.

Tim shrugged, "Brian showed me earlier that he could change into any bird or something. Why doesn’t he just do that?"

Kim seemed to seize on that. "Yes! Of course! Brian, why don't you try that?"

I looked at her and then everyone else oddly. "What are you talking about? I can't change into a bird at all." I looked at them all staring at me again. "I guess that means that I can." I thought about it a second. I couldn't remember being any type of polymorph at all, much less a bird polymorph. "How do I do it?"

"You never really told us." Said Jon. "You just seemed to do it. And you were a bird of prey polymorph only. Eagles, hawks, falcons. That sort of thing."

I tried to picture what I remembered hearing others talk about. Doors, walls, dials, anything. But nothing came to mind. I poked and prodded in my mind. Abruptly, I shifted right where I was sitting, much to Kim's surprise.

Unfortunately, I shifted into a whitetail norm and tumbled to the floor. I snorted and picked myself up, looking around a little in embarrassment before I shifted back to morph. "Sorry guys, looks like this may be it."

There was silence for a moment. There seemed to be a lot of tension in the room. You didn't need to have my nose to tell that. "Look. I know that you all are worried about me, but don't be. The simple fact is that I can't easily miss something I don't remember."

"Aren't you worried that this may be forever?" asked Kim.

I shrugged. "I guess, a little. But as far as I remember, this is it. I'm not worried at all. There isn't a rush. If this is only going to last a little while, I'll just enjoy my few days of deerhood."

The sun had started to set on the horizon, and the backyard was filled with long shadows. Jon and I went out to do a little grazing. There was no telling how long I'd be a deer, and even if I remembered it like it was my whole life, I might as well enjoy it for now.

I realized pretty fast that I didn't know what I was doing with grazing. I started to reach out for a bush when Jon suddenly said, "No! Noth thath one!" he said with a lisp in his norm form. "Thath will makth you thick."

I tilited my head in question. I was a flash shifter and couldn't make minor alterations in my form, like he could, in order to speak.

"Thick!" he lisped again. "Ill!"

I nodded in understanding at that and he started pointing out the vegetation in the yard that we could eat. After a while, I realized that all I needed to use was my nose. I could typically figure it out from the scent if I really tried. With a little help from Jon, I was eating like an expert pretty quickly.

At one point, a loud noise, which sounded like a leafblower starting up a few doors down, startled me and I jerked my head up, whacking Jon's antlers by accident. "Hey! Wath it!"

Jokingly, I hit him in the antlers again. We started doing a little push fighting at that point, but we didn't put much into it. Just a little fun. We pawed at the grass a little and pressed, but like before there was no animosity. The antlers connected a few times with a satisfying clacking sound.

We kept it up for only about five minutes. I don't know about Jon, but I still had a headache from our last encounter earlier in the day. We both shifted back to morph, grinning.

"That was fun." I said, only breathing slightly heavy.

"Sure was. I really will miss being able to do this."

I smiled. "Who know? If my memory isn't completely faulty, you spent some time as an eagle and changed back on your own. You seem to think that you can change into a bird again. Maybe I'll be able to turn into a deer? Who knows."

"True. Confusing isn't it?" he said with his ears waggling in the air.

I felt mine doing the same, "Highly. You can't keep track of the species without a scorecard. I guess we'll have to get Maxine to work over Bryan at some point."

Jon's smile faded. "I'm really worried about her. This is the second time in a few weeks that she's done something to you. I think that she's worried that you're mad at her."

I shook my head, "No, I'm not. What happened in California wasn't her fault. She couldn't have known this would happen. This? Like I said before, I can't miss something that I can't remember. This is all perfectly normal to me. It probably will be until I change back."

Jon yawned a little. "I'm going to go on in to catch the news. Wanna come with in?"

"No. I think I need to stay out here a while. I'll be along."

Jon nodded silently and walked in through the back door.

I walked over to a small bench and looked at the sky. For all my bravado, I was a little worried. I didn't like the idea of being stuck as something I wasn't, even if I really didn't know any better.

And they had convinced me beyond any doubt that I was really an eagle. Not just the gizzard stones and the convincing act, but the flight computer that I couldn't reasonably explain otherwise, the gaps in my memory that seemed to be those that my deer mind couldn't reconcile. Memories of flight, it seemed.

"Mind if I sit down?"

I looked up to see Kim, with an expression of worry on her seemingly expressionless face. I smiled. "Sure."

She sat carefully, slipping her tailfeathers through the small slats at the back of the seat. "Brian, I think that we need to talk."

I felt my heart drop a little. That was rarely a good thing to hear. "Uh, sure. What's on your mind?"

She looked at the ground, "I'm not sure how to say this, but you scare me."

I was taken aback by that. "What? What do you mean?"

"Brian, we've known each other a couple of weeks, but I'm not sure who you are. Within a couple of days of us meeting, you discover that you're a polymorph. Now, because of a stupid hick, you may not even be an eagle morph again. I'm not sure I can get used to this."

I looked at her in silence a moment, my mind churning. "Kim." I said quietly, "I'm not sure what I can say. I don't remember being an eagle, but I do remember you. No matter what I look like on the outside, I'm still me underneath. I always have been. I'm the same man I was last week or last year, regardless of wrappings."

"Are you so sure?" she asked. "We're still feeling our way around this whole thing. Nobody knows just how deeply we've all changed. We may never really know. How do we know what attracted ourselves to each other?"

I smiled and hugged her close, "I loved your face, I loved your voice." I buried my nose into the white feathers around her neck, "I even love the way that you smell." I whispered. "When I'm near a predator morph, of any type, my body goes on alert whether I want it or not. But not around you. Whatever part of my brain that remembers what I once was remembers you. Trusts you. Loves you."

She didn't say anything right away. Instead she ran her rough hand over my neck. It was a wonderful, warm feeling. She ran her hand down my back a little, and I felt the tips of her talons lightly press under my fur. It was a gentle, loving touch. Finally, she said with a waver in her voice, "I've been holding this in for a long time. I was so afraid that when you could become any eagle, you'd start to look away from me. I was worried that we were acting on instinct alone."

I pulled back a little and smiled. "Maybe we were. I don't know. But if you still feel the same about this deer siting in front of you as you did for the eagle you first met, then there is more here than instinct. It may sound strange, but I can't imagine life without you. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to spend to rest of my life with you. I guess this is love. I hope that you feel the same."

I had to wonder how I functioned without this nose. I could smell the relief washing over Kim. She hugged me closer and put her beak up to one of my ears, which seemed to bend down on it's own. "I do love you." she said simply.

Beak to muzzle, we kissed.

I felt warm all over as we settled into a hug. It was a strange feeling, though. Not just flushed, but slightly off balance. I felt Kim scratch something on my back near my tail. "Brian!" she said breathlessly.

I pulled back from her, but suddenly caught sight of my hand. It was slowly turning orange. I jumped to my feet to look myself over and saw dozens of dark brown feathers sprouting up all over.

"You're changing back!" she said excitedly. "Are you feeling okay?"

I smiled one last time as my mouth started to numb and change back into a beak. "I feel great!" The change was fast, taking only a couple of minutes as Maxine's timer hit the end a little faster than expected. I felt blocks in my mind start to fall and memories of flying popped back in. Everything that had stumped me so badly earlier made perfect sense again.

I hugged Kim again, now folding my returned wings around her. "It's like any good fairy tale. To be restored with a kiss."

Copyright 1997, Brian Eirik Coe

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