Ruminations

A "Winds of Change" Story

By Bryan Derksen

Well, I thought nervously as I stood by the side of the road and surveyed the field before me, here I am. We had stopped for the night in Springfield, just outside of Eugene. It had been a long day and I hadn't eaten much while driving, I normally didn't when I was on long road trips like this. So I was more than ready for a little dinner.

However, I wasn't sure if I was ready for this; I'd never tried grazing before. I had avoided everything sheeplike that I could, so much so that I hadn't even known exactly what type of sheep I really was. But even though I'd probably wind up chewing cud all day tomorrow because of it, I decided that it was high time for me to finally try it out. As I silently worked at building up my nerve, I was glad the others hadn't asked too many questions or tried to come along when I had left the hotel. It was hard enough being out here with the strangers that were already in the field, I'd always been rather shy in public.

I mentally committed myself and began unbuttoning my shirt as I walked over to the fence, looking for a place to put my clothing. I didn't really need to undress, my clothes were designed to handle a change as relatively minor as my norm form was, but I knew I would probably look silly if I didn't. Besides, I had come here for the full herbivore experience; I could have had high-quality forage on a plate if I'd just wanted the food. Swallowing my remaining modesty and crossing my fingers one final time before they turned into hooves, I stepped out of my shorts and shifted into norm form.

At first I was extremely self-conscious as I walked out there nosing around in the grass, certainly in no mood to eat anything. I felt totally out of place. But as the others continued to ignore me, I slowly found myself beginning to relax and tried to help the process along with the calming mental exercises that Samuel had taught me. Eventually I tried nibbling at the plants a bit, testing their tastes. I wasn't sure what was good to eat, but almost everything I tried seemed okay; Of course, I told myself, this is in my norm's habitat, after all. Or at least the habitat of a close relative...

At last I found myself grazing peacefully; It felt quite natural as long as I didn't pay too much attention to it. Jon was right, I realized with surprise. This is a good way to think things out. And I certainly had a lot of issues to address. I idly wondered if I'd start hearing voices in my head now too, my 'animal side' talking to my 'human side', but didn't really expect anything like that. That would be too easy. The sheep and the human in me were really the same person, both sides were a part of the same identity that I thought of as "me". It must have been like that since the day I Changed, I reflected. All this time, I had really just been struggling against a part of myself. But it wasn't a part of the old me I objected, playing both sides of the debate. If my current identity is really part Dall sheep, then it's not my real identity, is it?

I sighed; I could see where the argument was headed, back into the same sort of self-doubt that had been driving me nuts in the first place. Maybe I should just declare the old me dead and move on, I thought. Sure, it'd be kind of a pity, but why should I want to bring him back? Do I miss myself? I laughed sharply, drawing a puzzled glance from a llama grazing nearby. I grinned at him. Who'd have thought a herd animal could be so philosophical? I thought wryly. It all seems so easy to face, now. I hope this isn't just my animal side trying to trick me into stopping fighting it. If it is, I'll probably wind up all neurotic again when I change back to morph and find that out... I somehow strongly doubted that I would, though. Pondering deep questions of identity and self seemed like a purely human thing to do... a purely me thing to do.

"Hay!" A familiar voice called from the edge of the field, "Can anyone join, or is this club for normal forms only?"

"Jack!" I jumped in surprise, turning to face him. How had he found me? I decided I wasn't too upset, I had been able to get plenty of thinking done already and wouldn't mind someone to talk to now. "Sure," I bleated, "there's plenty for a-a-all." Then I tried switching to mental communication as he walked out toward me. Can you understand me better when I talk like this?

Jack grinned. You've got a heavy accent either way, he reported. Didn't know you could speak in norm form at all, actually. The voice sounds appropriate somehow.

Jon taught me, I told him. It's really neat, I used to be worried about being completely cut off while in norm form, but now I've got no less than two ways of talking while in it.

I'm afraid you're still not managing to send any complex concepts by yourself, Jack warned. I'm still having to actively read your mind to understand what you're thinking. Don't quit your day talk.

With that he reached where I was standing and I rose to my hind legs, shifting back to morph form in the process. "I don't plan to," I said vocally. "I wonder why people call the animal form the 'norm' form anyways, it's not..." I trailed off and looked down, suddenly remembering that I'd left my clothes back at the fence.

Jack laughed at my reaction. "Don't worry, you've still got 100% wool undergarments on. They're more than enough around this lot." He laughed again as my embarrassment deepened; wool or no, I'm sure my blush was quite visible. Still, I managed to force myself to walk casually as we moved over to a nearby bench to sit down for a spell. Nudity taboos had suffered greatly since the Change, I told myself, and I was a high-degree morph down there after all. It was really nothing to be concerned about. I crossed my legs anyways as we sat.

"So, Jack. What are you doing out here? I didn't think you were the grazing type."

"I didn't think you were either, actually. But I didn't come out here to eat, I came to talk."

I grunted noncommittally. Jack had been unusually quiet during the last bit of the trip, hardly saying a word since we'd crossed the state border. I had wondered what was on his mind, but at the same time I hadn't been sure if I wanted to know. Jack sometimes made me nervous. I hadn't found out much about him yet, but I knew that he was somehow involved in something big; it was enough to make me wonder about his motives in coming along. "More psi theories?" I guessed.

"Yeah, that too. But I also wanted to talk about Jon for a sec." Jack hesitated before continuing. "He's had a bit of a rough time recently, and I think you're the best person to help him out."

I frowned. "I'm not-"

"Nononono," Jack quickly cut me off, "I don't mean like that. I meant as a friend, and as someone who knows what he's going through." He paused again, obviously trying to think of the best way to discuss this delicate subject. "How about I try playing back what he said to me earlier today. I think you should head this straight from the eagle's mouth."

"Okay." I mentally prepared myself for his contact; Jack had tried sending me detailed sensory images before, and it apparently required me to make myself properly receptive to work properly. Once I was ready Jack concentrated, trying to form a high-bandwidth connection. It took him a few tries. Then I was suddenly remembering what had happened back at the border, only this time from Jack's point of view. It was a very complete form of communication.

Back in the car, after the rest stop on the border, Jon had come back from stretching his wings and settled in to take a nap. Is there anything you want me to tell anyone before you go beddy by? Jack asked.

Funny, Jack. Haha. Yeah. Tell Brian that he was even more right about coping with this. Tell Bryan I understand now why he's been so reluctant to use his norm shape. And that I partially forgive him for running away. Partially.

I felt momentarily disoriented, as if I/Jack had forgotten what happened for a second, but when I recovered I didn't seem to have missed anything important. Jon fluffed out his feathers a bit, tucked his head under a wing, and directed one last thought at Jack. Could you tell Bryan one more thing for me? Just tell him 'thank you.' Jack was confused by Jon's last request and dipped slightly into Jon's mind to see what he was talking about. He caught the tail end of Jon picturing a mushroom cloud over Carlsbad, which quickly faded into the beginning of a dream about soaring among the clouds. Then Jack broke the connection-

-Jack broke the connection and I was back on the bench by the field, jolted by the sudden transition out of memory and back to reality. For a moment Jack seemed almost as startled as I was, but he quickly composed himself and I didn't pay much attention. "Sort of ironic, really," he observed quietly. "You've apparently started making peace with your norm form just as Jon's begun having worse trouble with his. 'Course, he's probably had it coming for a while now what with the way he's been carrying on..."

I tuned out the rest of Jack's grumbling, lost in my own thoughts. I had been so worried since my little breakdown, god I had been so worried! No one had even talked about it, I had no idea what anyone thought of me... now I knew that at least it was possible to make up for my failure, to redeem myself to my friends. "I'm so glad he doesn't hold a grudge," I said, my voice strained by the inadequacy of the words.

"I do" Jack said, continuing to grumble. "I can hold a grudge forever. Unfortunately I've got a terrible memory for names, so it's all a little vague..." I laughed, able to tell he was joking. Jack grinned and then changed the subject. "Are you still hungry?" He asked.

I shook my head. "Nah, I'll probably still be chewing what I've eaten already in the morning." I felt a twinge of embarrassment talking about that, but like my nudity and the fact that I'd been eating grass in the first place I tried to tell myself it was just a normal part of the world I now lived in.

"Well, I am. Come on, let's go someplace civilized and get us some oats 'n molasses."

Actually, I was feeling rather thirsty after eating so much relatively dry vegetation; a Coke sounded like just the thing to wash all this grass down (even though I would be swallowing it into a completely different stomach). "Sure, sounds like a good idea." Jack and I headed off towards the road, stopping briefly so I could pull my shorts back on before leaving the field. I may have been able to just tell others what to think, but it wasn't quite so easy to override my own lifetime of conditioning and habits. Nor did I necessarily want to right now. I was finally starting to feel good about myself again, and that was more than enough of an accomplishment to satisfy me for today. The rest could wait.

Copyright 1997, Bryan Derksen

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