Trust No One
A "Winds of Change" Story
I had known almost from the start that Jack was hiding something fairly big, both about his own circumstances since the Change and about why he had tagged along with us to Edmonton, but this was a bit more than I had expected. Assuming this 'spy' thing was the truth. As I got into the car with him and Fox, an old piece of advice about not accepting rides from strangers came briefly to mind and I was hesitant to discard it easily. After all, how well did I really know him? Not nearly as well as I'd thought, it seemed.
"So Bryan," Fox began warmly. "I suppose you're wondering who the devil I am. I assume Jack hasn't told you much?"
"Try 'none'," I replied with an accusatory glance at the mule. Jack grinned sheepishly.
Fox grinned too. "Jack does take things a little too seriously at times. Obsessive secrecy is an occupational hazard in my field, I'm afraid."
"Yeah, spying. Does the Canadian government know you're here?" I surprised myself with my confrontational attitude, and told myself to lighten up at least until I actually believed him.
"You wound me!" Fox replied, mock-hurt and still grinning. "I wouldn't do anything behind the backs of my Canadian colleagues. Besides, I'm not here on business. Not serious business, at least."
"Well, good." I grinned now too, though not for very long; I was still a little suspicious and skeptical.
"Looks like the others are ready to go," Jack observed with a glance back to the other car. "Where was this restaurant you recommended?"
"Oh! Right. It's south down 84th street..." I gave a quick outline of the directions, and Fox pulled out with the others following right behind. It managed to kill the conversation for only a few moments, though. "Jack said you wanted to talk to me," I prompted. "Something about a job?"
"Heh. Straight to business after all, I guess. Yes, I would like to talk to you very much. And I suspect you'll be most interested in what I have to say, it's a fascinating story..."
Fox proceeded to regale me with an elaborate tale that could have come straight out of a pulp secret-agent novel; a story about working with the CIA and David Smith, one of the richest people in America, to discover the crackpot scientist/guru working behind the throne in India, destabilizing the government and causing strife like a modern-day Rasputin with his mumbo-jumbo about curing the Change.
Is this true? I telepathed incredulously to Jack once he was finished.
Yes, Jack admitted. Fox enjoys a good yarn, he sometimes embellishes, but not when it's important. The basic essence of the story's true. I may not have been as perceptive as Jack when it came to telepathic tone of voice, but I could tell that he meant what he said; Jack, at least, believed Fox's story. I also thought he sounded like he was still hiding something, though.
"Wow," I said at last. "Uh... fascinating, indeed. I assume some sort of plan is afoot to foil this dastardly villain?"
Fox grinned. "That's the spirit! Of course there is, though obviously I can't go into detail about that right now. But this brings me to that job I mentioned earlier."
I shook my head preemptively, smiling. "I'm not going to India," I warned him, "my trip to California was already a little too wild for my tastes, one adventure like that is plenty for a lifetime."
Fox laughed. "Oh, don't worry about that. Despite the strength of your Power, India's a job for professionals. I had something far less dangerous in mind."
My smile faded. "You're serious, aren't you." Fox nodded soberly. I leaned back in my seat with a sigh, rubbing my horns and trying to rethink what he'd said. There was a long, tense silence as I did so.
We pulled up in front of the restaurant, and Jon and the others piled out of their car. I remained where I was, thinking hard, and Fox and Jack waited calmly for me to make some sort of decision. "Hey, are you guys coming in?" Jon called after a moment.
I shook my head in annoyance at being interrupted, and stuck my head out the window to reply. "I'll be with you guys in about a half-hour" I told him, adding just a hint of power to my words to avoid having to deal with any questions. "Fox and Jack and I have a couple more things to discuss." Jon shrugged nonchalantly. I immediately felt bad about using my power on him like that, but set that aside for the moment.
"Sure thing," Brian said as he helped Kim out of the car. "Can we order for you?"
"Nah. I'll be back soon. See you guys later." Pulling my head back in, I turned to Fox. "Let's go around to the other side of the mall. We do need to discuss a few things."
Fox nodded and complied.
"So," I summarized, "Let me get this straight. You, Fox and Jack and Dave Smith, are members of some sort of supersecret secret service and are going to India to topple a mad dictator. And you want to recruit me, with mind control powers more powerful than any you've ever come across before, to... infiltrate National Geographic?" Despite having sensed their seriousness, I was still having trouble believing this.
"That's about the size of it," Fox agreed.
"No," I said with finality. "Absolutely not."
"Excuse me?"
"I won't do it. I don't want your job, I'm not going to help you, the whole nine yards. Please drop me off at the restaurant on the way past." I could tell I had surprised him, something which gave me a small feeling of satisfaction. Fox had been pleasant and likeable during our conversation, but he had also been insufferably secure in his position. I was pleased to have jarred him a little.
"If you don't mind me asking, why not? I've assured you it's totally safe..."
I shook my head. "That's not the problem. In fact, it's too safe; you don't need a mind-controller, especially not one with as much power as you've been telling me I have. It's a waste of my time and talent."
"I assure you, it's not. It will save time, something we need quite a lot right now."
I still shook my head. I recognized this 'simple job' as a blatant attempt at foot-in-the-door salesmanship; once I had done that, Fox would undoubtedly have another 'simple job' lined up for me. And then perhaps a slightly more challenging one. If I didn't catch on, before I knew it I would be working for 'them' full time. It was a scenario I had worried about if knowledge of my Power ever got out. I would have serious words with Jack after I got out of this, that was for sure...
But there was another, perhaps more important, reason why I chose to refuse Fox's offer. "Let me explain," I began. "This morning, I saved the life of that bull morph who was with Maxine in the other car. He had lost his mind in the Change, and I was able to yank him back with my power. That's what my time is worth. There are thousands of people out there who are in the same situation he was in, hundreds of thousands. I can't help them all. But I can try, and perhaps help some. I made a vow, you see." I frowned unhappily, trying to figure out how to continue without giving any secrets away. "I've seen what this power can do unrestrained, and I vowed never to let myself start down that slippery slope. I will use it for just one thing; to bring back those that are lost, and undo the damage others have done with powers like mine. That's very important to me. And I'm not going to use it to convince other people of things against their will. I've caused too much damage that way as it is, consider this my penance."
Fox shook his head. "Oh, I understand, Bryan. But I also know you only did what you did in California was for self-defence, or by accident. No one would get hurt at National..."
Fox broke off as I turned on Jack, raw fury momentarily breaking though my self-control. "How much did you tell him, dammit?" I demanded. Jack was taken aback, his long ears flicking back in surprise.
"Well, uh..."
I didn't let him continue. "That was private! How could you tell him my secrets, the secret service of all people? I trusted you!"
"Now, Bryan, hold on a minute here," Fox tried to intercede reasonably, touching my shoulder. "Jack was very careful, he didn't tell me anything you should feel ashamed about..."
I turned back to face him, jerking my shoulder away from his hand; I wasn't feeling very reasonable at the moment. "Have you ever killed anyone, Fox?" I demanded angrily.
"Now, I don't think..."
"Have you?" I let slip a burst of power and felt it hit some sort of mind shield, but the shield was weak and it was penetrated without extra effort. I have no idea if he even felt my attack before I was through.
"When necessary," he answered quietly.
"Do you remember the first time? The first person you'd ever killed in your life? It may have been necessary, perhaps he even deserved it. But that doesn't change the fact that you took a unique, irreplaceable life, all the man's hopes and dreams and fears and memories, and you personally ended it. Or worse, you made someone else do it and live with the burden herself. Do you remember what that was like? Do you understand?"
Fox nodded mutely, eyes wide and fixed on mine. I suddenly realized what I was doing and broke off, releasing my grip on his mind as if burned by it. "Well, good," I concluded lamely. "If you didn't, you'd be a monster. I'm not a monster."
...and you've got the all-consuming guilt to prove it, right? Jack sent privately.
I frowned. What's that supposed to mean?
You've done some things you find terrible, so terrible that they threaten your own self-image. You've been clinging to that guilt to prove to yourself that you aren't a monster, but in the process it's destroying you. How many times have you flown off the handle in the last week? Two, three times?
...counting just now, three times, I thought hollowly.
You see? And how frequently did you lose your temper before?
Almost never. But it's not a fair comparison, I objected, I mean, look at how much has changed... Jack just waited silently, and I hung my head. You're right. No excuses. Damn, I thought I'd worked out the worst of my problems when I defeated my fear...
Fox cleared his throat uncertainly, and Jack and I broke contact to return our attention to him. "Uh... I seem to have committed a faux pas," he admitted shakily. "I apologize for bringing up a sensitive issue, I assure you I didn't mean to pry. Jack actually refused to give me more than a vague outline..."
A vague outline was still too much, I thought, half to myself and half for Jack to hear. He did, and his ears drooped in shame.
Bryan, I'm sorry. I had conflicting obligations, my friendship with you and my association with Fox. I tried hard to find a compromise, but I just couldn't find a perfect solution.
I sighed. I'd really only known Jack on a personal level for a few days now, and we'd got along quite well. I did want to count him as a friend. But how can I possibly trust you now? I asked sadly. I mean, it turns out I don't really know anything about you. I don't know where your other obligations lie, I don't know anything about Fox and whether he can be trusted, or if Fox has obligations to others that you don't even know about.
Jack paused before continuing. I've lowered my mind shield, he told me carefully, and from what I saw just now Fox's is no match... you can find a way to trust us, if you want to...
No! I recoiled slightly, aghast. I'm not going to mess with your mind like that!
Jack smiled. You see? You are a good person. Whether or not you trust me yourself, I trust you in that. I trust you enough to let you into my head. I'm serious; if you really don't trust me, I want you to make me tell you the truth. I won't resist.
I probed gently, and felt that his shield really was down. I almost laughed in relief. It's okay, Jack. If you're willing to let me do that to you, I don't see how I can't trust you. It's just... god, I'm sorry about losing my temper like that.
It happens to the best of us, and I guess in a way I brought it on myself. Just get over some of that guilt, okay? You don't deserve it.
Jack and I broke contact, and I returned my attention to Fox. He had been waiting patiently while Jack and I communicated in private. "It's okay," I told him, "we've worked things out. I'm fine. We're both fine. Now, what am I going to do about you?"
"Uh..." I secretly grinned as a flicker of concern passed over Fox's expression.
Before he could get too worried, however, I continued. "I don't want to diddle with anyone's minds. Not yours, not National Geographic's. I'm sorry, but you'll have to find another way to get into India. Now, about my recent past..."
Fox frowned slightly. "Surely you're not expecting me to try blackmailing you?"
"The... thought had crossed my mind," I mumbled. Actually it hadn't, but now that he had brought it up I realized that someone with Fox's position could make life very difficult for me...
Fox looked first at me and then at Jack. "I wouldn't dare," he said with a wry grin. I glanced at Jack out of the corner of my eye and saw a smug expression on his face. I smiled and silently thanked him for backing me up. Jack snorted in acknowledgement but didn't otherwise reply.
"Well, I'm sorry you didn't find the kind of guy you're looking for. I hope you didn't come to Edmonton just because of me."
"Oh, don't worry about it. I had a number of little things to attend to up here... all okay with my Canadian colleagues, of course!"
I grinned, not trusting Fox for a moment. But at least I knew Jack would keep an eye on him for me while he was in town.