Well, last week the Oscars were handed out, and everyone tore their hair in frustration, because no one that they like won.

Okay, I jest.  A lot of the awards were deserved, and a lot of the awards went to the best.  But the point of me writing this is to make fun of the Oscars, and since when have I let common sense stop me?

I suppose everyone steals jokes from the Oscars.  If I could remember one, I'd use it.

One thing that surprised me is that even the Oscars have pre-game shows.

"Who's going to win?"  "Well, if Matt Damon can get in behind that Leonardo DeCaprio defense, and make a few good touchdowns, he'll make it to the final round, but his opponent is anyone's guess, since both Tom Cruise and Jet Li are strong.  However, neither Matt nor Leo have a chance against them; whoever wins the Tom/Jet match-up will most likely win the championship."

Rene Zellwookie (how do the celebrities themselves, who have brains the size of pickles, figure out how to spell their own names?  I sure can't!) said in a pre-Oscar sound byte (see what I mean?  Celebrities can't spell) that she couldn't feel her legs.  If that was the case, how was she standing up?  Were her feet held in place by a stone block or something?  No wonder I don't remember her accepting any awards, she can't move from that spot!

Hopefully, she's been thrown into the Pacific by now . . .

I admit, Whoopi Goldberg out-did every single Oscar host before her, even herself.  After the first 15 seconds, it was clear who the Queen of Oscar Hosts is.  Well, it was clear a few years back, when she was the Oscar host, when she said the memorable line, "I am the African Queen."

Someone came onto the stage and started speaking in tongues.  I was confused at this point.  Was someone at the Oscars trying to witness the Lord's power to the people?  If so, it didn't work.  Gwyneth Paltrow, who originally showed up naked, covered only 25% of her, which wasn't an improvement at all.

"Black Down Hawk" . . . oops, that's what Radar calls it.  "Black Hawk Down" won a couple of awards, although it wasn't for the acting.  It won for Film Editing, which is weird, because they didn't edit out the swear words.

Something called "The Affair Of The Necklace" won for something, but I forget what.  I guess I was laughing at the title, "The Affair Of The Necklace".  I think it might have won for yiffiest title, or something.

The New York tribute conveyed a sense of tragedy to me.  "Oliver & Company", and the live action scenes from "Balto" weren't featured.  If that's not a tragedy, I don't know what is.  It's almost as much of a tragedy as what happened last autumn in New York: the Yankees didn't win the World Series, for the first time since 1998.

I kept count throughout the Oscars.  The number of jokes referring to Canadians: 2.  The number of times they said "you matters": 0.

This year has been good for Europeans.  The Belarus women's hockey team was going to stay in Europe, but they went to the Olympics and won bronze.  "Murder on a Sunday Morning" was going to stay in Europe, but it was brought over to North America, and won an Oscar.  This can only mean one thing.  Thanks for finally sending over Atomic Kitten, but don't forget to send over Westlife!

The winner for Best Documentary Short was something called "Thith".  Say it aloud, you'll sound like you've got a lisp.  The woman who accepted the award was the closest I've ever come to seeing a naked woman, since I missed seeing Jennifer Lopez a couple of years ago, and Alanis Morissette wasn't really naked in her video.

The first ever award for Best Animated Film was handed out this year.  It opened with a tribute to animation so stirring it mixed my hot chocolate for me.  I am not ashamed to admit that I sang along to "Hakuna Matata" when they played it.

With all the new categories over the years, there's one category I'd love to see: Super Bowl Commercials!

Halle Berry is now a rap artist.  Her performance at the Oscars is the start of a wonderful career.  Just tell her that a duet with Eminem is not a good idea . . .

One thing I've noticed this year is that there are spelling errors galore.  An on-line list of nominees misspelled one of Enya's collaborators' last names.  Both Nicky and Roma's last name is Ryan.  Not Ryan and Ry.  Oy.

Also, there's "Pearl Harbor".  Hey, America, buy a U!

I admit, the Cirque du Soleil performance, although it contributed to the lateness of the awards, was well done.

Take a hint from them, America.  Two Us.

Sting's annual performance once again didn't win.  In a surprising turn of events, Enya was the most covered up out of everyone who attended the Oscars, even the men.  And the one thing I noticed about this year's Oscars?  No one mumbled or stuttered through their songs, and there was no Bob "Everybody Must Get Stoned" Dylan!

One of the nominees in the Worst Dressed category was Sharon Stone.  Her dress looked like Mickey Mouse!  Guess what the ears covered (not too well, I might add)?

When they had the moment of silence, I was filled with dread . . . until it was all over, and no babies cried.

Halle Berry's award for Best Oscar Acceptance Speech was well deserved.  For a list of all the people she thanked, look in the phone book.

Tom Hanks dyes his hair.  At least, it looked like he did.  I swear, he looked like he had blue hair.

And finally, Best Picture.  If I cared about any of them, I'd remember which one won.  I guess I don't have as beautiful a mind as I thought I did.


©2002, CW Tyger
Back