From john.burkitt@nashville.com First Church of Simba Cathedral of Our Lady of the Golden Fur I thought you might be inspired to read something from our recent church newsletter. Here's hoping it moves you as much to read it as I did to write it. NEWSLETTER: THE CATHEDRAL OF OUR LADY OF THE GOLDEN FUR Nashville, Tennessee The Conversion of Ella Belle Watkins It is my great joy as your pastor to relate the recent conversion of Sister Ella Belle Watkins. Ella Belle was moved by one of our "Circle of Life" pamphlets. She came to us from South Nashville Police Precinct. We agreed to support her with some steady work cutting our yard and in return the police agreed to dismiss the drunk and disorderly charges against her. Ella Belle has not passed out one time since coming to us-we are so proud of her. Last Sunday was my first time to meet her, on the joyous occasion of her joining the Church. Previously she had met privately with our Associate Pastor at his house, spending many long nights discussing her spiritual needs with him. She tells me that he was of great comfort to her. Hail Sarabi! I had been warned that Ella Belle Watkins was a big Lion King fan. She has seen the movie at least twenty times, and she is big. I'd say she's as big a fan as any four of the rest of us put together. Turning sideways, she entered the cathedral door and proceeded down the aisle to the admiring stares of the congregation. Tripping lightly down the aisle for her four hundred pounds, she came running into my arms and hugged me tightly. It was a breathtaking moment. Her love surrounded me and I was overcome. Bennie lowered the harness. I spoke with her before the congregation. She told me that she believed in the Circle of Life and wanted to take her place. As she prayed Hail Sarabi, I fastened the harness to her. (It was a percaution used for the safety and comfort of adult converts.) Putting my hands as far around her as I could, I stood on the Rock and lifted her as Bennie worked the windlass. A spotlight lit her beaming face as "The Circle of Life" played over the Church Audio System. The same boom box generously donated by "Honest John" Gilliam's Pawn Shop (thanks again, Honest John!). Unfortunately, the windlass was not up to the heavy duty. As Bennie made anxious motions to that, our organist hit the 2X button on the box. With the congregation snapping in time to the peppy music, we started to quickly lower her. At that point the windlass began to act strangly. She made her quick descent as the handle began to pop Bennie rhythmically in the chin. Deeply moved, he stood looking into the heavens with a handkerchief held tightly over his nose. That reminds me: please keep him in your prayers as he recovers in the Baptist Health Center. I'm sure we will all join in making Ella Belle feel welcome. John Burkitt Minister, FCOS +------------------------------------------------------------------+ I First Church of Simba: Cathedral of Our Lady of the Golden Fur I I Home of The Gentle Kingdom Member: The Born Free Foundation I +------------------------------------------------------------------+ NEWSLETTER: THE CATHEDRAL OF OUR LADY OF THE GOLDEN FUR Nashville, Tennessee SOME THOUGHTS FROM THE PASTOR I stood outside one evening last week. As the sunset painted the buildings with reds and golds, the beautiful granite spires soared like gilded angels into the heavens, and from their heights the statues of saints and apostles looked down benevolently. It made me feel very close to all the warm and fuzzy things I hint at during services before the mood turns ugly. So how could such a beautiful church as the one across the street be run by such absolute jerks! I tell you, Saint Jezebel's Episcopal Church has gone too far this time. Bishop Hal A. Luyah came bursting into my office during a private communion service, just as I could begin to feel the spirit at work. He accused my pride, whom he stubbornly calls the "flock", of tossing beer bottles through his stained glass window--a very tacky one I always thought, depicting the Last Temptation of Esau. He even brought one of the offending bottles with him. Right there, I thought we could end this misunderstanding easily, but was I ever wrong! At once I reassured him we would NEVER stock Budweiser, and even patiently showed him through our refrigerator. With charity and patience, I explained that Budweiser was not the sort of thing we serve at our Ice Cream Socials, seeing as how the company gives Miller Beer to the clydesdales for processing and bottles the results. He questioned that assertion, and went so far as to accuse me of not being a real minister. I offered to show him identification, the sacred lion pawprint tattoo, but got no further than turning around and unbuckling my belt when he began exhorting me with all sorts of lightly veiled threats about bulldozing this place down and having me locked up where I belong. I admit shoving Bishop Luyah in my frustration. Perhaps I should not have used my full-sized Corinthian Leather office chair to do it. Further I cannot say on the advise of church lawyers. Bretheren, I covet your prayers in this. This reminds me of the time our former Church organist was collecting chickens for our annual Neighborhood Pride barbecue and accidentally shot himself in the behind with a shotgun. Rumor mills went to work right away, and a certain greedy member of our community tried to confiscate the chickens, claiming they were his. We all know that the chickens were donated by an anonymous local businessman, just as they have been every year. We ended up settling with the man to avoid more uncomfortable complications, and even had to raise money to pay Isaiah's hospital bills. I can see the greedy insurance interests using this latest allegation to avoid paying for what was probably an act of random violence perpetrated by someone with bad taste in beer. This upsetting incident put a damper on an otherwise perfect ice cream social. I always said that the less you can remember about the event itself, the more fun you must have had--my memory of it is a complete blank, and I took that as a good sign. Let us be firm in the courage of our convictions to uphold the principles of religious freedom upon which our great nation was founded. Stand up and be counted! John Burkitt Minister, FCOS +------------------------------------------------------------------+ I First Church of Simba: Cathedral of Our Lady of the Golden Fur I I Home of The Gentle Kingdom Member: The Born Free Foundation I +------------------------------------------------------------------+ Rev. John, The Grand Pumbaa has asked me to extend condolences from the head office for the recent spate of troubles you have been experiencing with the infidels^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H persons in the neighboring church. It is apparent that these persons have latched onto a singular portion of the rich sacraments of the church - in this instance the "sacred tossing of the beer empties" - and are using the same to level relatively unfounded accusations against one of our sacred orders. Alas, this may just be a continuation of ongoing difficulties we have been experiencing with this same denomination. While they have no photographic proof in their allegations, the order accuses The Grand Pumbaa of having "assaulted" the arch bishop of this particular diocese. This alleged assault took place during a discourse between The Grand Pumbaa and this selfsame arch bishop concerning the appearance of several dozen empty tins from our First Church sacramental wine in the front yard of the accusor, and the trampling of the ornate flower gardens of the same. The arch bishop was demanding reparations from the church for the replacement of his garden, and insisting that we send out some of the pride to clean up the copious amount of empty cans and vomit from his yard. The Grand Pumbaa very reasonably pointed out that there was no evidence linking the empty cans to our order since the sacramental wine is available for general consumption from our church beverage mart. The arch bishop was apparently displeased with this answer and expressed his opinion that The Grand Pumbaa was some lower form of life than himself, and accused The Grand Pumbaa of being "a shameless flim-flam". It is then suggested that The Grand Pumbaa was overcome with religious fervor and, in the words of the arch bishop, punched him in the nose a bit. It's then alleged that he forthwith rendered a seven inch pewter likeness of St. Timon in such a manner as to require surgical removal. There is no evidence outside of the arch bishop's own hearsay as to how the likeness of Timon came to be placed where it was, but The Grand Pumbaa's explanation that "he slipped" is every bit as plausable as the arch bishop's own. In any event, much as it galls us to place such spiritual matters into the hands of the secular courts to decide, there is where the case currently lies. The Grand Pumbaa expresses his regrets that his differences with the arch bishop may, at least indirectly, be linked to the difficulties you are experiencing with this same order. He extends his deepest, heartfelt prayers and Hakuna Matatas in these difficult times and implores you to remain strong in your faith. D. Braun, Scribe of the First Church of Simba writing for The Grand Pumbaa (INTERNET:TLK-Lnwoca.ohio.gov)d FIRST CHURCH OF SIMBA MERCHANDISE BLOWOUT ----- ------ -- ----- ----------- ------- Welcome to our annual "everything must go before the surprise audit" sale. We're blowing out old stock merchandise at INSANE prices. Don't believe me? Read on! We've been accused of becoming too obsessed with money lately, but with prices like these, how can ANYBODY accuse us of liking money? We have to be CRAZY to unload our stock at these INCREDIBLY LOW prices, so get your orders in QUICK before we come to our senses. What kind of prices are we talking about here? Buy ANY item on our First Church merchandise page and get a second item of half value or less for 50% of the price of the first! That's right, we're talking about a 50% saving here! Furthermore, with any purchase we will throw in, ABSOLUTELY FREE, a back issue of the First Church Preyer Book. This lovely hand- stapled brochure offers many useful, untried and true methods for stalking, capturing and preparing a wide variety of African-like prey animals. It's mimeographed on 100% recyclable paper and the perfect companion for the FCOS hymnal. The Grand Pumbaa HIMSELF has read this book. Remember: 50% savings! Special during the week of this sale only: A lovely plaster of Paris leonine-like bust resembling Holy Simba. These moulded statuettes are desired by many, but available in a VERY limited quantity. Powdered glass, cobalt-60 and other impurities in the plaster give these beauties a sparkle that is a delight to behold in sunlight. A perfect gift for extraneous friends and family members. Buy one for your boss. Normally these icons sell for $59.95 plus shipping and handling, but for the duration of this sale the First Church will ABSORB the shipping cost. That's right, there's NO shipping cost on these pieces. Couple that with the already amazing 50% savings we are offering on our other merchandise and you have SAVINGS UPON SAVINGS! Are we a wonderful church or what! All sales are final. No substitutions are allowed. All savings apply to in-stock merchandise only. Actual prices may vary at time of purchase. The First Church of Simba bears no responsibility for injuries or fatalities sustained by use or misuse of any product purchased from our on-line merchandise page, or through special promotions. d braun - simba@icenter.net FCOS Web Page --> http://www.icenter.net/~simba/fcos.html FCOS: We won't save your soul, but we CAN save you some money!