Subject: Oil! Date: Tue, 24 Feb 1998 19:03:03 -0600 From: Rindimo Reply-To: TLK-L@lionking.org Organization: L.O.S.T.-- C.A.U.S.E To: tlk-l@lionking.org Here's a neat little view of how my mind works: 1. Subject bangs knee on frame, while entering car. Asks self why such a tall guy has to fit in a tiny economy car. 2. Subject then remembers a cousin even taller than himself, who once drove a car even SMALLER than the economy car the subject is driving. 3. Brain recalls current employment of said cousin at the Shell Oil Co. 4. Subject laughs at the simple name of "Shell", and substitutes it with "Rock". 5. The words "Pride Rock" surface from the subconcious, probably due to an obsession with The Lion King, and midnight readings of the mailing list. 6. Recalls hillarious parodies, and fan-fiction. 7. ...And viola! This stuff you're going to read popped out of my head! To think... all this happened at 8 o'clock, when I was half asleep rushing to school- in a matter of seconds! ...And here I thought Scar was just jealous of his brother, when here, it was something much deeper.... The Oil King! -By Rindimo Scar ran as fast as he could towards the summit of Pride Rock. He heard his brother's roar announcing the presentation had started without him. Drat! And just as he made the most momentous discovery he'll ever make! "Oh, why did the presentation have to be today?! There's no way I'll make it there in time! How am I to cover up my discovery?? I've got to think this out, or everyone will want a share in it all!! I wonder if Jed Clampet had this sort of problem? " If there were light-bulbs manifest in the lives of lions, one would've popped up above Scar's head as he shortened the distance to his cave. He could just begin to see Rafiki ascend Pride Rock with amazing speed. "When will that old baboon ever slow DOWN??!!" he gasped between breaths. He quickenned his pace even more- he just HAD to make it to his cave before anyone started looking for him... Scar plopped himself down on the ground, and was starting to catch his breath, when a certain majordomo flew in to start a rather heated argument. Before Scar could put the finishing touches to his _closing_ argument, Mufasa came in to confront his brother of his whereabouts during the presentation of Simba. "I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba..." "Oh, that was today? oh, how _dreadful_! Must've slipped my mind..." Scar had to play it off that he totally forgot, but his glowing smile from his knowledge of his discovery made it seemed like it was intentional. He scratched his claws to try and distract everyone. "Well, as slippery as your mind is, you should've been first in line!!" Zazu screeched. "I was first in line, until..." No, he couldn't say he had to go the bathroom- that would give away part of his secret- he'd have to finish the sentence with a different ending... "the little hairball was born." "That hairball... is my son, and your future king!" This conversation is going nowhere... I gotta get outta here! hmm... "Oh, I shall have to practice my curtsey..." "Don't turn your back on me, Scar." Why won't he just leave me alone? "Oh no, Mufasa, maybe you shouldn't turn your back on ME!" More arguing ensued, but finally, Scar was able to avert Mufasa's anger away for the moment. Thank goodness the conversation didn't go to what he was doing when the presentation was happening... he was able to wipe the black goo from his paws onto a mouse he let quickly run away when Zazu approached. All evidence was disposed of, except for his goofy smile. Well, with everything back to normal, he must run, now. Run, run far away, and find a payphone! **** *Ring Ring!* "Uhh... hello?" "Ah, yes, is this the Shell Oil Co.?" "Uh... yep." "Good! I have a wonderful proposition for your employer, my good man. One that will probably grant you a nice raise!" "Huh huh! Coooool! HEY! MR. TYCOON GUY!!!! THERE"S SOME GUY WHO WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!!!!!" Scar yelped as he quickly put his paws to his ears. Only an idiot would scream for someone far away- right into a phone reciever. "It's PERKINS! MR. PER-KINS!! get it right! Ye gods! I'm surrounded by idiots! "You got that right!" Groaned a still-wincing Scar. "Ahem.... Hello, how may I help you?" "Yes, I was wondering if you'd be interested in a fresh new oil drilling site- one literally gushing of oil!" "Really? And who's this speaking?" "Taka." "Well... Mr. Taka, How would you know there to be oil on your land, if there is no drilling team to find out? Hmmmmm?" "Well! I was taking a cra- Ahem, I mean, I was digging a hole to bury some uh, fertilizer, for, uh, my garden! yeah, that's it!, and out of nowhere starts gushing up oil!" "Hmmm... well, I never hear a story like that in quite a while... I'll send a team over to see what you've found. tell me your whereabouts, and get up all the information about your lands, so the team can get there and review it all." "With pleasure." *Click* **** As prince consort, it wasn't out of the ordinary for Scar to rummage through old files and do the taxes for the King. But today was special: the team was coming to survey. He was just ready to walk out with the papers under his foreleg, when a little nephew came running up to him. "Hey uncle Scar, guess what?" "Oh, I despise guessing games.." "I'm going to be king of pride rock." "Oh goodie.." This was going nowhere. Simba just wouldn't get the hint and go away. There's gotta be something to make him want to leave... wait! there is! the elephant graveyard! that'll keep him busy! (Chuckle, Chuckle!) With Simba gone, there were no other hinderances for Scar to meet a chopper in the middle of the savannah. "Ahh, Mister Perkins, I presume?" The man smiled and replied, "After hearing this was in the middle of Africa, I figured it wouldn't hurt to take a "Business trip" for once." "Well, shall I lead you to the site, while you review the papers?" "Gladly!" Scar led them to the exact spot where he was doing his business beforehand, and promptly the team began unleashing their testing equipment upon the land. "Holy cow! This place is loaded, boss! We've got to be sitting over BILLIONS of dollars! This is a once-in-a-lifetime find!" "...And it can be all yours, if you wish to pay me a percentage of the profits for using your equipment on my land." "You mean, you just won't let us take it from you?" "Hell no! I ain't moving! If you want it all... you're gonna hafta pay!" "How much?" "20%" "5%!" "10%, or no deal. Billions of dollars just sitting here..." "Okay, you win. Let's look at these papers..." Mr. Perkins quickly reviews over the papers, then catches something amiss with the otherwise thorough preparations. "Hey! there's only one signature here!" "So?" "It'd be alright if document stated "Mufasa _OR_ Taka", but here, it says, "Mufasa _AND_ Taka"! You need your brother's signature!" "Oh, gods! and with the way I treated him, he'd want a MAJOR cut!" "Well, until you get this settled, we're gonna hafta leave. I hope you work out something quick, Mr. Taka." **** One wildebeest stampede later, Scar finally found a loophole to where he didn't need Mufasa's signature. But he needed the rotten hyena's help to do it. well, at least with the way he said it, they thought the fortune wasn't so big, and the tiny, tiny, share they're getting will at least keep them happy. Shortly thereafter, heavy machinery was quietly chugging away on the pridelands... Everything would've been perfect- had the prey not been so frightened by the noise the machinery made and ran away. That, and the smoke clouding over the sky, killing all the plants... the Pride lands was turning into a wasteland. Lionesses were beginning to talk of calling up National Geographic or Green Peace for help. One day, Simba returned. "Why Simba, so nice to see you- alive." "HMPH! funny you should say that! what with all the fumes I've been breathing in the jungle! I think I may have Gulf War disease because of you! I don't know if the vision of my father was a hallucination from the fumes, but it was enough for me to decide to come back and stop your dangerous Billion Dollar business! In the background, Nala's eyes grow wide with fear, as she gasps with an unpleasant thought: Is Gulf War Disease _TRANSMITTABLE_? "Puh! dangerous business! What's so dangerous with a little fumes?" Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes, igniting evrything ablaze. "Hmmm... I take that back..." "That tears it!!!" Simba pushes Scar, Scar pushes Simba, and the fight accellerates to a blood bath that Pay-Per-View really missed out on. When the smoke clears, simba assumes the throne, and with a mighty roar, shouts out: "HAAAACK! COUGH COUGH! AHEM!...... GET OUT OF MY KINGDOM!!!!" "That's our cue," Mutters a dirty worker. He and the rest start packing up their stuff, and slowly head out of the pridelands.... A couple months later, everything was back to normal. Simba used the huge fortune his uncle amassed to clean up his kingdom, and buy a nice ferrari. everybody was happy. Then, tanabi comes home with a devilish smile on his face, and some sorta black goo on one of his paws... QED (The End) --  The Tiger is made to kill and hunt, The Lion too, but more towards fight. The Leopards and Jaguars were made to climb, And Cheetahs made for earthly flight. But there is one creature of forgotten lore: Shrouded in mystery, be that it's trade, Of other virtues, it has all four- Respect the Puma, and what God made. -Rindimo E-mail Address: Rindimo@bellsouth.net *If you can read this, then I am still an eligible bachelor!*  Founder (and only member) of: The L.O.S.T.- C.A.U.S.E. (League Of Simplistic Technology- Causing All Unforseen Solutions Evident) K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple, Stupid. (Long neglected scientific principle)