Keywords: Indiana Jones Subject: Raiders of the Lost Bark(OFF TOPIC SPAM!!!) Date: Thu, 26 Feb 1998 20:51:10 -0600 From: Rindimo Reply-To: TLK-L@lionking.org Organization: L.O.S.T.-- C.A.U.S.E To: tlk-l@lionking.org Okay, I admit it- I'm BORED. And there's no more mail to read... So I've decided to actually WRITE something instead. Warning! Warning, List reader! Spam ahead! Disclaimer: Nobody _whip_ me about this cheesy parody on "Raiders of the Lost Ark" MGM, please don't kill me!!! I want my momma! Waaaah! Raiders of the Lost Bark Starring: Rindimo as Rindianna Bones & A pretty girl who screams alot. (oh, yeah!) It was pretty day at the Serenghetti community college, as always. In the history building, on the outskirts of the campus, a major chunk of a class was staring out onto the sunny savannah streched out before them on the other side of the window. "Timothy! stop looking out the window! you're missing a major part about how Ngurumo cleaned his toenails circa b.c. 50000! I'd listen too, miss Nalina! It's going to be on the test, y'know!" The class sighs, and turns their attention back to.... Professor Rindianna Bones! They'd rather hear about his last adventure- The temple of Doom, and DoomII, and how he found the Temple of Nukem right next to it. But is was never the case- he was engrossed in history. like he'd always say: "If you don't know history, you're bound to repeat it- /especially/ after looking at everyone's grades for this semester!" Suddenly, there is a knock at the door- much to the class' relief. An adolescent cub walks in with a rather shy demeanor- no one likes to interrupt professor Rindianna the cheetah in the middle of a class. "Uhh, sir, the dean wishes to speak to you." "About what?" "He didn't say, except it was important... and something about a plane waiting for you.." "WHAT??!! AGAIN?! For cryin' out loud! Well-" Rindi turns to his class, "looks like we'll have to discuss king Ngurumo's toenails next class period. Dismissed!" He never was impressed by the speed that his class possessed when it came time to leave... **** The dean was nervously fidgetting in his chair awaiting a presumably irate cheetah to enter any minute- which, of course, one did. "All right! what is it THIS time?" "Ah! w-well, R-Rindianna Bones! S-So N-Nice to-" "Stop it! Just tell me what's going on." "Well.... the college is broke again." "WHAT??!!" "...And unless we can raise some money- quick, I'm afraid we'll have to begin laying everyone off." "Now wait just a darn minute!," Rindi was angry, "What happened to all the money I got us LAST time?" "Ehm, well, Aren't your ears pleased everytime you hear our muzac play?" "Whatever happened to new plumbing?!" "Hey, It was just one toilet that blew up. Big deal! But-" The dean found himself getting red-eyed by a certain steam-breathing cheetah. -" I give up. You're right. We'll fix the plumbing. Just please- help us out- just this one last time." Rindi thought it out for a while.... and a little longer... and he though it out some more... and- "Excuse me, but the plane's waiting." "Oh, all right! But I'm only going to do this for the kids! they need a good education. what am I gonna do, by the way?" "Well, our other history teacher- Asa Ker- discovered an ancient parchment hidden inside a notebook with the answers to next tuesday's test underneath a rock, while he was taking a cigarrette/liquor break inbetween classes. It tells of an ancient artifact called the "Bark"- that's hidden in a far off land." "Far off?" "Yes! Far, Far away, it is." "Is it dangerous?" "Sorry, but yes! yes it is! Uh, you're not gonna fall back, now are you?" "I've already made My descision: I'm doing it for the kids, remember?" "Oh, thank you, Rindi! thankyou! You know how much your celebrity status brings in the dough- no wait, I didn't say that, did I? I meant-" "Enough! Just give me the plane ticket!" As Rindi headed for the plane, the dean, his secretary, and all the faculty throw a big party in celebration of the dearly departed. **** The trek to the pridelands was a hot one. It never failed: Rindi argued too long with the dean, and the plane burned too much fuel just waiting for him to come. oh well, He was getting used to it. The guides were always fun to talk to, any way. "So, what's your name, guide?" "My name is Samuel Marion Gonzales Globetrotter, son of Marco Gabriel Floyd- Excuse me sir, but what are you writing there?" "Who me? oh, nothing. So, got a wife, or any kids?" "Yes, my wife Marie Francine Mary Globetrotter, and our 8 children: Benny-" "No, that's perfectly alright." "What are you writing on that paper?" "Here, I'll let you hear it when I'm done, okay? what are some of your most favorite times you ever had in your life? when's your birthday? If today was your last day on earth, what would you do?" The guide obliged to answer all the probing questions, curious as to what our hero was writing... "Okay, here it is: Sammy was a good guide, one i'll never forget as long as I live. I hope that he finds peace, as does his wife and kids. Born in the year of our Lord..." "Why are you writing my eulogy??!!" Instantly, out of nowhere, a boulder rolls down upon the two- killing the guide, and just missing Rindi. "It never fails..." Rindianna said in disgust, "Those stupid Incan booby traps keep going, and going, and going...." Finally, our hero reaches pride rock- and is warmly greeted by all the familiar faces of adventures past. King Simba himself gives the cheetah a powerful bear- er, lion hug. "Well if it isn't Rindianna Bones! what brings you out here?" "I have come to seek knowledge from the oh-so-wise one." "Who, me?" "No, silly! Rafiki!" "Hmph! well, you'll find him where you always will... in his tree." "Simba!" Nala chided, "You don't treat a guest of our lands like THAT" Rindi was starting to get alittle nervous from the look she was giving him. Simba caught her glance. "You stay away from him! What's with you, and strange adventurous, rich famous guys anyway?" **** Rafiki was always eager to get all mistic-like, and talk with his eyes out of focus and in a whispery tone. Naturally, his ears weren't as deaf as he always professes. "Ah yes! dee lost bark! Legend says that it is hidden somewhere in dee elephant grave yard. But no one has ever returned to tell me any more. But whoever finds dee bark, has dee power to control power! But only one who can bark can control dee bark. pbbbah! very peculiar, don't jyou tink?" "Thanks for all your help, Rafiki. I must be going, before the sun goes down, eh?" "SHTOPP! Aren't jyou forgetting someting?" "Ah, yes! sorry, old ape. Here it is." Rafiki grinned as Rindi handed him a bag of Alba flowers. "Tanks." "Where! Where!!" "No NO! Tanks- as in "Tank you". Not tanks as in "Boom-Boom!"" "Oh, your welcome. Hey, what do you do with those things, anyway? smoke them?" "Now now, shoo! go on, get outta here! go and bring back the bark!" **** Naturally, the map Rindi bought at the car rental place had him end up on the wrong side of the vertebrae in the graveyard. And, of course, he discovers a beautiful female cheetah tied up to a stake, surrounded by a pack of laughing, ravenous hyenas. "Time to play hero," Rindi sighs. The hyenas surround our hero, showing off their teeth, and awesome judo moves. *BANG, BANG, BANG,BANG, BANG, BANG!* CRAP! The revolver held only 6 bullets when there was seven. "Lucky number seven..." Rindi growled as he threw away the pistol, and proceeded to punch the remaining hyena's lights out. Before more hyenas could come on the scene, Rindi rescues the beautiful female, and runs into a temple. Way in the back... farther, farther..... watch out for that step!... just a little farther... there it is! The Bark! Of course, when the dust was blown off it, it read: "The Barker. One bark for "on", two for "off"." "The lost bark!" the beautiful cheetah female said. "How'd you know that?" "My name is Tamu Fleetfoot. I'm a history teacher for Pride Rock Community College... trying to save our college from spiralling debts. I've been searching for the bark so that it may help us." "You don't say? My name is Rindianna, and i'm doing the same thing! Well darling, I got a feeling we're about to make history, whattd'ya think?" Tamu nods, as Rindi unplugs the Barker from the socket. Instantly, doors open, and tons of hyenas pile into the temple. "Darn Boobytraps!!!" "Rindi!!!!! What are we gonna do!!!" "The one thing we can do- use the bark to escape!" "But only those who can bark possess the ability to use it's power!" "You forget one thing, cutie," Rindimo said, as the hyenas came closer," Out of all the cats in the world, cheetahs, and pumas CAN bark!" And with that, Rindi barks! Instantly lights, geysers, and earthquakes, oh my! happen, and blind, and frighten the hyenas enough for the two to escape into the beautiful sunset. THE END p.s.- sorry for the length... I was bored. =) --  The Tiger is made to kill and hunt, The Lion too, but more towards fight. The Leopards and Jaguars were made to climb, And Cheetahs made for earthly flight. But there is one creature of forgotten lore: Shrouded in mystery, be that it's trade, Of other virtues, it has all four- Respect the Puma, and what God made. -Rindimo E-mail Address: Rindimo@bellsouth.net *If you can read this, then I am still an eligible bachelor!*  Founder (and only member) of: The L.O.S.T.- C.A.U.S.E. (League Of Simplistic Technology- Causing All Unforseen Solutions Evident) K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple, Stupid. (Long neglected scientific principle)