Warning: bad taste alert -- read at your own risk :)


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you've been warned

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And now, a public rebuttal by The Grand Pumbaa.

"I would like to address some negative comments about my behavior that
have been appearing in some of the popular media recently.  Although I
do not normally take the time to respond to the allegations of the
ratings-hungry trash media, I feel compelled to defend my name against
the latest round of muck-raking from these dogs of dubious journalistic
integrity.

"Firstly, I cannot deny the words -- since they were caught on audio tape
by three independent sources -- but one needs to consider the context in
which they were spoken.  I am, of course, referring to my glib comments
during a recent service at the FCOS head office in Winnipeg.  After the
passing of the sacred tortoise shell to collect tithes and offerings, I
am on record as having said,

   "We thank thee, oh Simba, for thy bounteous blessings, and for the
   generosity of thy beloved cubs -- with the notable exception of those
   cheap little bastards in the second row."

"Had I know at the time that the young ones in question were guests of
the church, visiting from one of the destitute neighborhoods on the
outskirts of Nashville, here only because their local chapter of the
Sacred Nuns of Nala sold themselves into prostitution to pay for the
pilgrimage, then I would have shroud my words in a more diplomatic
veneer.

"Another matter I would like to address here is the alleged state of
sobriety during recent sermons.  As one of these trash journalists so
elegantly phrased it,

   "His rotundness stood at the front of the sanctuary, smelling like an
   industrial accident at a distillery, and slurring incoherently.  I use
   the term 'stood' most generously, as one must suspect that he would
   not have been standing at all, had they not nailed him to the pulpit."

"I categorically deny that I was, nor have ever been nailed to the
pulpit.  The church elders have been known to apply Velcro on occasion,
but that is not designed to keep me in a vertical alignment.  The fact
is, my tendency to wander while preaching has proven disconcerting to
some members of our congregation.  That, and also my inclination to
vomit, disrobe, and scream obscenities at the police whenever they show
up to raid our sacramental services.

"What we have here, folks, is an attack on the fundamental freedom of a
religion to conduct its sacraments without being repressed by a
conservative media!  Remember:  united we stand, divided we stagger
around and eventually fall, waking up in the morning in a pool of bodily
excretions."

# End of Message