From: Thylacine 2000 Newsgroups: alt.fan.lion-king Subject: The World's Worst TLK/SP Fanfic! Date: Mon, 30 Nov 1998 15:58:00 -0800 Organization: Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts Lines: 392 I realize this may seem a bit random, but under the right circumstances things like this can turn out well. Just threw it together for fun.... (puts on asbestos vest) -------- THE LION KING 3: THE ENCHANTED KWANZAA Part I: The Sun Rises in the Morning (Dawn. The striking African sunrise illuminates the verdant savanna, summoning all the creatures to Pride Rock. We see vast troupes of mandrills, okapis, bongos, and giant hogs cavorting in the warm rays as they approach Pride Rock. Being creatures of dense rainforest they will all soon be dead of exposure and starvation, but in the meantime they're singing along with an inspiring hymnal.) (Rafiki stands atop Pride Rock, holding aloft two lion cubs. Kovu and Kiara stand behind him, positively beaming with joy.) KIARA: "Oh, Kovu, look at our two sons! Aren't they the most adorable cubs you've ever seen?" KOVU: "Oh yeah, Kiara. They're both wonderful, the robust and good-natured golden one and the evil scrawny blacky one who was born with a scar on his eye." (Rafiki starts hefting the two babies towards the sun. The animals below raise a tremendous ruckus, which is understandable seeing as how they have just figured out they'll now be slaughtered and eaten twice as frequently.) SIMBA: "Well. Normally it isn't permitted for any males other than the King to, uhhh, you know.... 'do it', but you both asked so nicely, so how could I say no?" KIARA: (glares at Kovu) "How could *I* say no, is the question...... but anyway, Daddy, they're beautiful, aren't they?" SIMBA: "Indeed. But take care of them. Someday you'll understand." KIARA: "Huh? They're our children. Of course we'll take care of them." SIMBA: "You'll understand someday. You are a part of the Great Circle of Life, and someday we'll find it the Rainbow Connection, and to everything turn turn turn..... (he trails off, mumbling to himself)" RAFIKI: "Gasp!" (They all look) KOVU: "Look!" (They all look) (The dark evil cub has playfully swatted the light good cub on the rump as Rafiki was holding them both; the good cub falls out of Rafiki's hands and plummets nine thousand feet to his horrible death on the great sharp pointy rocks below.) SIMBA: "Dang. You know, maybe we shouldn't live on top of a really tall mountain, especially one next to a really deep gorge, especially since everybody dies by falling all the time." SARABI: "But Simba, don't you remember? When we die, our bodies become gravel. And the antelope eat the gravel. It grinds their teeth down which is why they can't bite us back when we chase the antelope down and slit their bellies open whilst they beg for mercy. Then we eat them, and poo them out as gravel. So we all eat ourselves." NALA: "What about when we eat hippos?" SARABI: "Well, they're just *asking* for it." SIMBA: "You've been at Rafiki's magic dust again, haven't you?" MUFASA'S GHOST: "Mind your mother, Simba." SIMBA: (giggles) "Yes, Dad." NALA: "Oh dear, we've had a horrible tragic death that's going to cause much grief and guilt trips." (she looks at the sun) "And strangely early, too." ZAZU: "Yeah. There wasn't even time to sing some fruity song about life." KOVU: "Go back to England, you zoologically-inaccurate amalgam bird." (Zazu sticks his head up a Thanksgiving turkey.) VITANI: "It's not fair! I lose my father, my mother, my brother, and now my--" (thinks quickly to herself) "--nephew! I was better off in the Outlands! The termites worshipped me as a queen!" NALA: "Don't worry Vitani..... everybody is expecting you to get it on with Simba sooner or later." VITANI: "He's my first cousin, you Gorgeous Lionesses Of Wrestling wannabe. Screw you guys, I'm going home." NALA: "You're not going anywhere. Look into my eyes." (Nala gives Vitani 'The Look') VITANI: "Haw haw! Good thing these bangs get in the way!" (Vitani runs back to the Outlands) (MALE FANS OF "SIMBA'S PRIDE": "Boooooooo!!!") KOVU: "It's all my fault! I hate myself! Waaaaaaaaah!" SIMBA: "It's all my fault! I hate myself! Waaaaaaaah!" RAFIKI: "Wait. There may be something we can do." Part II: The Great Discovery (All the lions are gathered around Rafiki's baeiouybab tree. Rafiki steps out and addresses them all) RAFIKI: "I know how we can save Kovu and Kiara's poor little dead cub. But it won't be easy. Do you trust me?" KIARA: (shocked) "Wh...what?" RAFIKI: "Do you trust me?" KIARA: "No. Anybody who spends that much time rubbing babies has some serious issues." (Rafiki sighs, and without further ado, cracks open one of the strange plants growing near the hubbub tree. Out pours a white powder, which he rubs into everybody's nose.) RAFIKI: "Okay, now everybody get ready--we're going back in time!" SIMBA: "What? Why?" RAFIKI: "Doesn't matter! It's in the past!" (He grabs his walking stick, and shakes it over everyone's heads) "Mekka-lekka-hi-mekka-hiney-ho!" (So they all travel into the past) Part III: Back to the Circle MUFASA: "--so Simba, there's more to being King than just winning at rock-paper-scissors every time." SIMBA (from LK1): "You mean there's more?" MUFASA: "Well, not really. But we have to pretend, or else people would make fun." SIMBA: "Hey, what's that smell? It smells like Otto's jacket." PUMBAA: "Oh. Sorry." (They both stare quizzically at the warthog.) TIMON: "Nice going, butt-crackyderm. We're not in the movie yet." SIMBA (from LK2): "Of course you are." (he turns to Mufasa) "Dad!" (Mufasa attacks him) MUFASA: "A rogue! Run, Simba, run!" BAMBI'S MOM: "A hunter! Run, Bambi, run!" SIMBA (LK2): "A rogue? Where?" (he looks at Kovu) "You!" (Simba attacks Kovu. Suddenly, Scar and Zira walk in from behind a termite mound.) SCAR: "Why, if it isn't my son!" (They all stop and stare, horrified, at Kovu and Kiara.) SCAR: "Err, I mean, 'why, if it isn't my complete stranger!' Heheh, that's what I mean. What are you doing here?" ZIRA: "And so alone!" (looks around at the huge crowd of lions). "Wait, no. Crap." KOVU: "Mother! You're alive!" VITANI: "Mother! You're alive!" SIMBA: "Father! You're alive!" SIMBA (the old one): "Me! You're alive!" NUKA: "I'm alive!" (Everybody ignores him) ZIRA: "Hah hah hah.... Well done, Rafiki! Just as we always planned." RAFIKI: "What you smokin', woman?" SARABI: "Speaking of 'smoking'...." (she pounces on Mufasa) Part IV: Gratuitous Sex Scene MUFASA: "You have forgotten me?" SARABI: "No! How--*aahhh!*--how could--*ooh!*--I have?" ZIRA: "This is for you, Scar." SCAR: "Really, I don't think you deserve this." KOVU: "Ah, I've never done this before." KIARA: "Really? My father and I used to do this all the time." TIMON: "Hey, you two coming or what?" VITANI: "Where's your pretty daughter, Nala?" NALA: "Over there." VITANI: "Great, thanks!" YOUNG SIMBA: "Ewww, gross!" SCAR: "Remember, this is our little secret." YOUNG KOVU: "An Outsider doesn't need anyone. I'll take care of myself." ZIRA: "You're even *weaker* than I thought." NUKA: "Sorry, Mother... I tried!" Part V: Author's Apology (Sorry.) Part VI: The Betrayal ZIRA: "You! Kovu! You're evil!" KOVU: "I am?" ZIRA: "Yes! You look just like Scar and you're a darker color than everybody else." (Zira beats Kovu with a wire clothes-hanger) KOVU: "I'm evil!" (So Kovu turns back into Evil Kovu, aka The Pantherminator) EVIL KOVU: "I was such a wimp, now I realize, hate is never wrong, so it never dies." KIARA: "No! You're good!" KOVU: "I'm good?" SIMBA (the old one): "Enough of this! We'll settle this the old fashioned way--a challenge!" (Simba and Kovu fight. Nobody wins) KOVU: "I'm still evil!" RAFIKI: "Wait.... wait... What's *that*?!?" (In the sky, something strange is approaching. A huge staticky blob of black and white images crashes to earth) MUFASA: "Strange.... it almost looks like..... a lion." (The new lion stands up) KIMBA: "Hai! I am new Lion Emperor! Prepare to die!" (They fight again) MUFASA: "Don't make me destroy you." KIMBA: "Okay!" (Mufasa dies) NUKA: "Watch 'NewsRadio!'" KIMBA: "No!" (Nuka dies) ZIRA: "Drink 'Ensure' instead of 'Sustecal'!" KIMBA: "No! Well, maybe." (Zira dies) KIMBA: "Ha ha ha ha! See? Won by better lion! Now sing my song--"Of a Living Circle"! (The black-and-white animals gather around and start singing their translated song--) "One time on the world we am coming Our great sun moves our eyes as we walk Do you know it? I don't know! Do you do it? I don't know! Now finding of the beauty truth, under the sky to forever sing-- In a living circle! In a big round thing that lives! Hope and strength! For the good! In a living circle! Move and attack! What time is it? Mighty Circle! Mighty Circle! We love you!" SIMBA (the LK2 one): "Auuugghh! This is horrible! They've destroyed history!" (Suddenly, a beautiful spirit appears out of a cloud formation. Rafiki takes one look at the ghostly image, and tosses away his crack pipe) YOUNG SIMBA'S GHOST: "Me... me...." SIMBA: "Me?" YOUNG SIMBA'S GHOST: "Me. You know what you must do." SIMBA: "I must kill him." (Simba climbs to the top of Pride Rock and roars as loudly as he can. Suddenly, great loud footsteps are heard.) KIMBA: "How... how you is this?" (Above the crest of Pride Rock appears Godzilla.) GODZILLA: "EEEEYYYYYAAAWWWOOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!" SIMBA: "Remember dude, you *owe* me." (Godzilla nods, and crushes Kimba to death under his feet. Then he goes away.) SIMBA: "It's good to be the king." --------------------------------------------- Wellllll.... okay, I guess this was *really* random. Just trying to have fun, like I said... no flames, please. -- T T T "BETTER LIVING THROUGH ZOOLOGY!" TIMON: " KIARA: "We're here to try to prevent our cub from dying." NALA: "Speaking of which--" (she looks around) "--just about *all* of you are going to die." SIMBA: "Oh daughter, your children are so beautiful." -- end of forwarded message --