Keywords: Xena

Well, I just had to do it.  I had to write a full-size parody of "Anneke:
Warrior Princess".  Forgive me, Uzi, Cutie, and 'kats everywhere! ;->

Anneke: Warrior Princess

<fade in on a grassy field.  Anneke, Cutiekat extraordinaire, is dressed in
battle regalia and brushing down Argo, her horse.  She glances to her left.>

     Anneke: How are you doing, Gabrielle?

<pan to the left to reveal... nothing.  Quickly pan back to Anneke.>

     Anneke: Gabby?  <blinks>  Yoo-hoo!  Um... where's that woman who plays
Gabby?
     Guy off-camera: Er... Renee left.
     Anneke: Come again?  She... LEFT!?!  <Anneke starts flailing wildly, her
battle gear clanking together noisily.>
     Guy: Yeah.  She said something about going to see some lion emperor on
broadway or something.
     Anneke: <sighs> Then who's going to be my sidekick?

<fade out.  Fade in on the field a couple minutes later.  Anneke is sitting
in a director's chair, wearing black sunglasses.  She nods.>

     Ann: Bring in the Gabrielles!

<cut to the other end of the field.  Timon stands there, holding trademark
staff and wearing olive green shirt and skirt.>

     Ann: <voice only> Timon??  But-- you're not a girl!
     Timon: <shaking his head> Oy.  Everybody's a critic.
     Ann: Okie, fine, I'll give you a chance.  Read the lines.  And put lots
of emotion into it!
     Timon: Er... yeah.  <picks up a script lying on the ground.  He begins
reciting the lines with very little enthusiasm.>  "The warlords are attacking
the temple.  Oh, Xena--"
     Ann: Anneke.
     Timon: Huh?
     Ann: That's supposed to be "Anneke," not "Xena."  <shrugs>  Don't ask me
who this Xena character is, though.  Just change it to Anneke.  Or Ann, An,
Anna, Anne, Annie, Anke, Annetje, Annika...
     Timon:  I get the idea!!  Oy!  <begins reading lines once more, again
with little enthusiasm.>  "The warlords are attacking the temple.  Oh,
Anneke, what ever will we do.  There are innocent people--"
     Ann: Cut.
     Timon: Huh?  Cute?  Yes, you are, now that you mention it.
     Ann: NO!!! I said *CUT!!*
     Timon: Oh.
     Ann: You're reading those lines like you're at a funeral!  Pep it up a
little!
     Timon: Fine, fine.  <begins reading again.>  "The warlords are attacking
the temple!  Oh, Xe-- Ann, what ever WILL we DO?  There are INNOCENT PEOPLE
th--"  Hey, wait a minute.  <Timon flips through the script.>  This Gabrielle
person is a mook!
     Ann: What?
     Timon: She's acting like a scared little mouse!  Why does she need YOUR
help?
     Ann: <growling> Next.

<cut to the next audition.  There stands Kimya, staff in hand, wearing olive
green skirt and shirt.  Aren't you starting to get sick of that color?>

     Kimya: <reading lines> "...ever will we do?  There are innocent people
there!"
     Ann: Cut!
     Kimya: Cute?  I don't really notice that type of--
     Ann: I said *CUT!*
     Kimya: Oh.
     Ann: That was perfect!  You got the job!  You'll make a great sidekick!
     Kimya: "Sidekick?"  Wait, I thought I was the *star*.  I'm just some
cheesy sidekick?  Ugh, forget it.  <exits.>

<cut to Anneke, shaking her head and crying.  She shouts "NEXT!!" and the
scene cuts to the next audition.  Nala is dressed in the olive green
skirt/shirt, and holding the staff in her mouth.>

     Ann: Next.
     Nala: Hmmffpff? <spits the staff out.>  What??  Why??  A minute ago you
said I read the lines perfectly!!
     Ann: Yeah, but you're bigger than me.  That's a bad thing.  Next.

<cut to Ndoto, grinning hopefully.  Ann immediately shouts "Next!" and
Ndoto's grin turns into a frown.  He runs off, tears trickling down his
cheeks.  Cut to Mageuzi, dressed in olive green shirt and skirt, holding the
staff.>

     Ann: Uzi?  Is that YOU??
     Mageuzi: Yes, yes, it's me.  I figured it was worth a try.  I guess I
didn't get the part.
     Ann: W-well hold on, read the lines.
     Uzi: Really?  Oh, um, okay... <flips through the script.  He begins to
read perfectly.>  "The warlords-- they're attacking the temple!  Oh, oh
Anneke, what are we going to do?  There are innocent people in there!"
     Ann: I love it!!  Cut!
     Uzi: Cute?  <grins>  Yes, you really are.
     Ann: <sighs>  I said CUT.  CUT.  No "E" on the end, see?
     Uzi: <peers over the author's shoulder and takes a look at what he's
written> Oh, OH!  I see.  Sorry about that.
     Ann: No prob.
     Uzi: So... um... do I get the part?
     Ann: You bet!
     Uzi: Really?  WOW!!  Maybe after the show, we can have merchandise!
 Motion pictures!  Maybe we'll even get to star in new shows!  "Uzi and Ann:
Prime Time 'Kats".
     Ann: <grins>  "Anneke and Mageuzi: The Next Generation." <hops up out of
her chair and goes over to Mageuzi.  She pats him on the back and smiles.>
 Let's do lunch!
     Uzi: Cool!  <begins walking off beside Anneke.>  Hey, you know, I've had
this GREAT idea for a movie.  It's about a couple of 'kats who wear black
suits and sunglasses...

END