Dedicated to all of those who have ever lost someone prescious to them. Dedicated to all of those who have ever thought of committing a suicide. Dedicated to all of those who were lost and who are found. Dedicated to all of those who have finally found their way home. Anywhere I go, I'm home... Words...Drilling their way into my mind. Again. Like so many times before. I'm not good enough, just not good enough. "Don't care about them," they say. "Don't care about what others say. Just be yourself." Be yourself? Can't they see how hard it is to be yourself when no-one can accept who you really are? They're perfect. Everyone else is perfect. They may not be unique but they're normal. NORMAL. If they could even use that phrase of me! They're passing by again. The looks. How they grin, cruelly, whispering things not meant for my ears and still they know perfectly well I'm listening. Maybe what they say is true. How can twenty people per day say the same things about me and be wrong? I have to hide, somewhere to get away from those looks, the looks that say I shouldn't be here. The same looks million times a day! A place. That's what I'm looking for, isn't it? The place in the circle of life. I thought that's why I'm here for. I already knew I was right. But they didn't agree. ow could someone like me be right and they couldn't? Maybe I'm not. I don't know what to think anymore but I know one thing. There is no place for me. Steps. Shivering, steele steps clanging against the cold ladders. I'm gonna do it. They want it. Maybe there's ne thing I can do right afterall. They can have they're world, I'll create my own... Steps, determined this time to climb all the way up, high, high above the normal world, to do something crazy. It won't mean much to them if I succeed but it does to me. One thing that I can do right. The slip. Cold hands quick enough to just grab the ladder before falling to the depths. Well, not to the depths, I suppose. High anyway. Six storeys is something, alright. I can't believe I made it this far! Well, it doesn't really matter how far I've come yet, it's how much there's still to go on. Unsure, desperate, trying to still catch a place where to put your foot. This - is - going - to - be - FINISHED!!! Safe. Got a safe hold again. Hands trembling, scared to death when watching down but still somehow thrilled. Imagine you did it! All alone! So high... Still a few steps, then it'll all be over. Everything. No-one needs to suffer from your presence anymore, especially the normal people. There! Finally reached the top! High above the rest of the world. "Take a good look, Jessica. It's going to be your last one." I know. But still it hurts. I DO have friends, don't I? "No-one cares. They'd be here if they'd be your friends, wouldn't they?" But they don't know about this. It's my decision, I didn't tell anything. They would've gotten worried...Naah, let's just get this overwith, it's why I'm here, right? The view. Of a normal world...Where I didn't suite in. Too bad, I tried. The only thing they'll ever know about this is written in a small paper, on the kitchen table. A small paper describing my whole miserable life, from the beginning to its end. It could've been so much more! So much more! They just didn't give me a chance! Tears streaming down my face. "Go on, nobody wants to be cooped up here forever..." How true. There's only one way from here and it's down. The only difference is...not down the ladders. Getting ready to fly, feel the cold wind, pushing hard against me. Like saying: "Don't do it!" A small sad smile. If there's one thing caring about this whole mess it's the wind. And too late. Sorry. For everything. Flying. Through the air, hands wide open pretending to be my wings. I'm flying! Look at me, I'm flying! I'm doing something they never did, something they never dare to. Flashing moments running quickly through my eyes, some of them even good, the best parts in my life. And it's over. Voices. Voices I don't know, and I can't hear them well anymore. I don't even care to hear. "Oh my God, what happened?" "I - I heard screaming a-and...she was lying there!" "Oh no, how did this happen? I'll call the ambulance...Oh my God..." "Jessica." One voice. I recognize it. One of them is familiar. I try to open my eyes, but it's hard. I can't feel anything. I can't move my body but I'm still conscious. "Wh-who...?" "Jessica." The same voice again. I know it. But it can't be true, it just can't be. Strange light, strange feelings...But he's there. He is there. "T-Timon?" Can't be. No, it's just my imagination. It can't be. "Time to go home, Jess." It IS him. Something's changed, not about him but about me. "H-how...? Where...?" "It's okay. Everything's okay." He's smiling. I can't, not at this moment. I'm crying. "I didn't want this...I didn't..." "Don't worry, you don't have to worry anymore. Hakuna Matata, right?" He smiles again, the carefree smile he always has, but still compassionate. I try to smile this time too. Now I can see what's wrong. He's my size. Either he's grown or I'm smaller. The light grows. Timon lifts his head towards it. "Time to go." "Go w-where?" I'm still quite mixed up from the fall. "Like I said, home." "Home? But...I - I can't go h-home...not after this..." "No, not the old home. Your REAL home." I don't understand anything, I'm so confused. I just have to trust him, there's no-one else around anymore, not even the unfamiliar voices. He can lift me. HE CAN LIFT ME. How?! How can that be possible? I don't understand it at all, nothing of this, maybe it's still hallusination... He lifts me up, it feels so good in his arms. Everything I ever wanted is here, in this moment. If I'll ever have the chance to say what I need, it's here, now. "I love you, Timon." He smiles gently. "Hush. We're almost there." Almost where? I'd like to ask him but I'm too tired...Tired... Grass. Soft and fresh. I can feel it. Now I can feel again. I slowl open my eyes and blink in surprise seeing the bluest sky above me that I've ever seen. It's hot, I can feel that too, but it doesn't actually bother me that much. All the new smells in the air...I've never known them before. Where am I? Not at home, that's for sure. I try to move myself. To my surprise, now I can do it again. "Finally woke up, huh?" I look at Timon. He's standing in front of me, still smiling. It seems like ages since we left and he held me in his arms. "Where - where am I?" Timon sighs, frustrated. "Art home, how many times do I have to tell ya?!" Home? This certainly isn't my home. No buildings near, no cars, no people... No people? How can that be? There are humans everywhere where I live. I feel so strange, so new... I look into a pond near me, the water is clear as a mirror. I see myself, but it's still not me. I don't really know her, but it IS me, I know it. A meerkat. Staring back at me. A female meerkat, with a golden fur like Timon's and eyes so new and strange that it takes a while to recognize them, too. They're my REAL eyes, the ones I could never show to anyone. The eyes which saw all the pain, frustration and anger in my heart for years, the ones that suffered it all, hiding inside the real me. I was so startled I almost fell on my knees, but for some reason it all made sense. I had never felt this way before, but I knew it had been in me all along. I looked at Timon he gave his hand to me and said: "Come on, there's someone who wants to meet you." I was scared to death (death? hah! what a joke!), but I had no choice, I just followed Timon. I couldn't believe what I saw. The Pride Rock. Right in front of me. I got even more scared, I tried to run away but Timon kept his grip, calming me down. "Come on, don't be scared, you don't have to worry." I followed him unwillingly, and saw a group of animals waiting for us. "Timon...no..." I whispered, but it was too late. We were already in the middle of the animal ring. I felt cold chills running up my spine. A lion. Padding majestically through the crowd towards ME. My heart was pounding like a drum but I couldn't move. I was so little and he was so... Simba. This was getting too weird, first Timon, then me turning into a meerkat, then the Pride Rock and now Simba! This had to be a dream. But something was telling me it wasn't. Simba came closer, showing no intention to fight or even - eat - me. Closer and closer until he was standing right in front of my nose. I was shivering and felt lower than I ever had, and this had nothing to do with the fact that I was now a meerkat! Simba stared at me for a while, then he lay himself down, closing me in a safe place between his arms. A safe place, at last. The one I had been searching all this time, it was here all along. "Welcome home, Jessica. We've been waiting for you." Love, Jessica "When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world!" -Timon ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com