BOB as Bootman
DOT as Wobblin
ENZO as Enfred
PHONG as Commisioner Phong
ANDRaiA as Chief O'AndrAIa
MEGABYTE as The Infector
HEXIDECIMAL as Nullwoman
MOUSE as Constantly recurring extra who does nothing to advance the plot
HACK & SLASH as Themselves
SCUZZY as Himself
(BOB and DOT are at a table in the diner, surrounded by stacks of crossword puzzles which BOB is somehow going through faster than DOT can read them)
DOT: Golly Bob, you sure are smart!
BOB: I always do at least 300 a day. A good vocabulary is a stronger weapon than any of evil and destruction.
DOT: Um... How?
BOB: (shrugs) I dunno, but it sure sounded good. Man, I have such a great dramatic voice...
(ENFRED, who happens to be DOT's younger brother format and disgruntled dedicated server of the diner approaches the table and lays down a tray of food)
DOT: Why, Enfred! I didn't know you could cook.
ENFRED: Of course I can cook. After you took up the superhero gig, someone had to run the diner. Not to mention your gazillion other businesses...
DOT: Holy gibbering side-kicks! You're right! I haven't been to any of my meetings in...
ENFRED: (annoyed) Hours. And I'm not talking User time.
(Bows sarcasticly) Enjooooooy your meal, by all means...
(grumbles all the way back to the bar)
BOB: Has he always been like that?
DOT: I dunno, maybe it's something he accessed. Hey, look. He's coming back.
ENFRED: Bob, you've got a call from Commisioner Phong on the top-secret Boot-phone.
BOB: Something I always wondered Enfred, why do we keep the top-secret Boot-phone in plain sight on the counter of the bar?
ENFRED: (shrugs) I dunno. Don't worry though. Everyone just figures it's some tacky, glowing, red, plastic Fisher-Price toy.
(BOB and DOT go over to the top-secret Boot-phone. ENFRED sits at the table muttering about life in general.)
BOB: (picks up phone) Hello, "Bootman's Crimefighting, Tennis Court Rentals, and Pizza Delivery". You commit, we have a fit.
COMMISIONER PHONG: (over the Phone) Bootman! You are urgently needed at the principal office. I have a job for you.
BOB: Why can't you just tell me what it is on the phone?
COMMISIONER PHONG: (pause) Because if I do, I don't get a scene until late in the episode.
BOB: I understand. We'll be there as fast as we can. (Hangs up) Let's go Dot! This is a job for Bootman and Wobblin!
DOT: Right! To the Boot-elevator!
BOB: (shakes head) No, it hasn't been installed yet. To the Boot-poles!
(BOB and DOT dash over to a cupboard and open it up to reveal neatly stacked plates)
BOB: Um, I forget which plate opens the secret passage to the Boot-poles when you pull it... Is it this one? No... (BOB tosses the plate away) *SMASH* Maybe this one? No. *SMASH* No. *SMASH* No, no, no. *SMASH* *SMASH* *SMASH*
ENFRED: Hey! Stop that you dumb-ASCII! The Boot-poles were taken out for safety inspection! Just use the Boot-stairs.
(ENFRED points to a set of creaky old stairs leading downward, and labled "Boot-stairs" in crayon)
BOB: (shrugs) Okay, to the Boot-stairs!
(BOB and DOT run down the stairs, and emerge at the bottom in the Boot-cave! Magically, they are now in thier excessivly tight-fitting superhero outfits. BOB has become BOOTMAN, who is so named because he thinks it sounds cool. DOT has become WOBBLIN, who is so named because at one exceptionally wild party some time ago where... um... but that's another story altogether. BOOTMAN is, as always, armed with his trusty Glitch belt, which helps him fight evil, and keeps his tights up.)
BOOTMAN: Quick Wobblin, we haven't a moment to lose! Except perhaps to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. To the Bootmobile!
(BOOTMAN and WOBBLIN hop into BOB's rusty old car, turn the ignition, turn it again, turn it a few more times, get out, kick it, turn the ignition again, and drive out of the Boot-cave)
WOBBLIN: Bootman, why does the back of the Bootmobile shoot flames anyway?
BOOTMAN: Let's just say I don't like tailgaters Wobblin.
WOBBLIN: Holy charred automobiles Bootman!
(BOOTMAN gives her a confused look as they speed towards the Principal Office)
TO BE CONTINUED! SAME BOOT-TIME, SAME BOOT-FANFIC!
(BOOTMAN and WOBBLIN dash into the principal office, after only a short stop to convince the binomes that they are not professional wrestlers. One particularly annoying sprite is still jeering them)
MOUSE: Hey buddy! Where's Tonto?
BOOTMAN: (aside to WOBBLIN as they enter the principal office) User, I hate it when they do that!
(They pass through the massive hallways, until they finaly arrive at the main office. They are greated by COMMISIONER PHONG and CHIEF O'ANDRaiA)
BOOTMAN: Good day Commisioner. You called?
PHONG: Ah! Bootman. So good of you to come. Yes, and I would have called earlier, but the red button on the Boot-phone was stuck. I think I liked it better when we just used the Boot signal.
WOBBLIN: Yeah, me too. But you just know if we did that every two-bit moron in the city with a flashlight and a peice of cardboard would be summoning us every night.
PHONG: True... Anyway, I had better brief you. Chief O'AndrAIa, could you get that file on my desk?
WOBBLIN: Wait a nano, CHIEF O'AndrAIa? You told Enfred you were just going to try to join the CPUs, and that was only a cycle ago! How can you be chief of the CPUs already?
O'ANDRaiA: The old chief said I was too little to join. He said "Show me what you've got" or something, so I deleted him. For some reason, everyone's been really nice to me ever since, and they made me chief.
BOOTMAN: Uh... right. Commisioner?
PHONG: Ah, yes, of course. Bootman, we have a problem. The Infector is back in town.
WOBBLIN: What?! But I thought we put him in the breakdown chamber last episode!
PHONG: Well, we did... but... um... Well, he re-negotiated his contract, and in an impressive display that we could never possibly re-enact, he narrowly escaped us and fled back to his secret hideout, wherever it may be.
BOOTMAN: You mean the Tor?
(PHONG's eyes widen. He flips through his files.)
PHONG: Hmmm, well that would certainly explain why he spends so much time there, and why that seems to be the central location for all his evil schemes...
BOOTMAN: *sigh* Come on Wobblin. Looks like we've got our work cut out for us.
O'ANDRaiA: Oh, wait. There's more. His goons just robbed Old Man Pearson's data dump.
WOBBLIN: What'd they take?
O'ANDRaiA: I dunno, looks like they just took some old useless junk. You know, burned out microprocessors, busted zipboards, Spice Girls CDs-
(CHIEF O'ANDRaiA just gives WOBBLIN a funny look. After a moment she turns back to the list)
O'ANDRaiA: Old null litter, fried initiators-
O'ANDRaiA: Why must everyone always interru-
BOOTMAN: Wobblin, what is the first letter in the word "initiator"?
BOOTMAN: And what is the sixth letter?
WOBBLIN: Um... "A"?
WOBBLIN: Oh! Of course! How basic of me! That means that The Infector plans to build an unstoppable superweapon out of donuts, hold the city hostage, and demand millions of units in ransom money!
BOOTMAN: Right! Quickly Wobblin! Back to the Bootmobile!
(BOOTMAN and WOBBLIN charge dramaticly out the door, leaving COMMISIONER PHONG and CHIEF O'ANDRaiA standing in the middle of the room with thier mouths hanging open)
AL: (off camera) WHAT?!
PHONG: I have absolutely no idea child... By the way, you say your last name is O'AndrAIa? That's a rather unusual name. Is it Irish?
O'ANDRaiA: No, well my mother was British, my father was French.
PHONG: I see-
O'ANDRaiA: But then of course my grandmother on my mother's side was Mexican, my grandfather on my mother's side was Chinese, my grandmother on my father's side was Jewish, and my grandfather on my father's side was Swedish. And my brother married into a Russian family.
PHONG: Then the name "O'AndrAIa" is...
PHONG: Go figure...
(Meanwhile, the Bootmobile has run out of gas, so BOOTMAN and WOBBLIN are lugging a container back to it, followed by a crowd of hecklers)
MOUSE: Lemme guess. Yo' momma still dresses ya, right? That explains it!
BOOTMAN and WOBBLIN: Shut up!
TO BE CONTINUED! SAME BOOT-TIME! SAME BOOT FAN-FIC!
(Inside the Infector's Tor)
(The INFECTOR is sitting atop his throne, laughing diabolically. He's wearing a tacky green bodysuit with the word "EVIL!" plastered across the chest in gold letters)
INFECTOR: Ohh, this is such a perfect EVIL plan! Nothing, not even that pathetic excuse for a crimefighter Bootman can stop me now! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
(HACK and SLASH are standing in front of the INFECTOR's throne)
HACK: Uh, Slash?
SLASH: Yes Hack?
HACK: Old buddy, old
HACK: Is it just me,
SLASH: Is what just you?
HACK: Is it just me, or is that was the boss says
SLASH: That's what the boss says
HACK: about every plan?
SLASH: Every plan
INFECTOR: No, you fools! This time it's different! Now go buy me more donuts! I need more if I am to finish my all-powerful superweapon!
(Hack and Slash look confused)
SLASH: Uh, boss?
HACK: There's something
SLASH: Something we don't get
HACK: Something we don't understand
SLASH: You have enough units
HACK: Plenty of units
SLASH: Enough to buy all these donuts
HACK: So why hold the city hostage?
SLASH: Yeah, you don't need the ransom money
HACK: Its crazy
SLASH: Yes, total madness
(The INFECTOR is taken aback)
INFECTOR: Because... I am... EVIL!
(By now, HACK and SLASH have run FAR away)
INFECTOR: BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! EVIL! EEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL!-
WE APOLOGISE FOR THE LACK OF ANY REAL CONTENT IN THIS EPISODE, AS THE
INFECTOR HAS TAKEN UP ALL THE AIRTIME WITH LAUGHTER
TO BE CONTINUED! SAME BOOT-TIME! SAME BOOT FAN-FIC!
(BOOTMAN and WOBBLIN are driving towards the Tor, when suddenly, NULLWOMAN appears in a blinding flash (there you go Deci) and knocks the Bootmobile to the street below)
(As the Bootmobile crashes to the ground, NULLWOMAN lands with a large grin on her face... and with friends)
BOOTMAN: Oh no! We're surrounded by extras!
WOBBLIN: Nullwoman's non-speaking lackeys!
NULLWOMAN: (evil cackle) So Bootman, I have you right where I want you! Attaaaaaack!
(The extras converge on our heros, not speaking a word)
WOBBLIN: Holy TV diners Bootman! Let's go!
BOOTMAN: Right! Cue the crappy music, the poorly choreographed fight scene, and the cheesy special effects! (You KNEW this was coming!)
(BOOTMAN and WOBBLIN hop out of the Bootmobile and begin attacking the extras)
WOBBLIN: Take that!
*SMASH!* *BLAM!* *YEOWCH!*
BOOTMAN: And that!
*ZAM!* *POW!* *ZOINK!*
*BOOM!* *CRUSH!* *BLEAT!*
BOOTMAN: (suddenly looks up confused) Bleat?
*OINK!* *MOO!* *QUACK!*
BOOTMAN: Wobblin! Stop it!
*BAA!* *CLUCK!* *NEIGH!*
BOOTMAN: Oh no! Wobblin! Get ahold of yourself!
*BIPPITY!* *BOPPITY!* *BOO!*
BOOTMAN: Dear USER! STOP! First you were just being silly, now you're infringing on copyright laws!
*SNAP!* *CRACKLE!* *POP!*
BOOTMAN: Wobblin! STOOOOOOOOOP!!
(WOBBLIN finally stops attacking the extras, who are now all firmly planted head-first in the pavement)
WOBBLIN: (breathing heavily) Oh... sorry Bootman, I don't know what came over me...
BOOTMAN: That's alright, it happens to all of us sometimes. Just calm down for a bit...
WOBBLIN: Wait, where's Nullwoman?
BOOTMAN: Vilains can't hang around after their lackeys are defeated. She'll be back.
(They hop back into the Bootmobile, which works just as well as before the crash, since it couldn't get much worse anyway. Just as they get it started, the Boot-cell-phone rings (Yes, EVERYTHING he owns is preceded by the word "Boot"))
BOOTMAN: (picks up phone) Bootman's movie rental, seal-clubbing, and crimefighting. You-
PHONG: (urgent) Bootman! The Infector is attacking the Diner!
AL: (off-camera) WHAT?!
BOOTMAN: We're on our way! Quickly Wobblin! To the Diner!
TO BE CONTINUED! SAME BOOT-TIME! SAME BOOT FAN-FIC!