This is in no way intended to slander the fine names of Bob, Dot Matrix, Megabyte, Hexidecimal, Enzo, ANdrAIa, etc...If you feel I have insulted your favorite virus/sprite/dog/null/whatever, please calm down a bit and relax. Remeber- it's a PARODY. If I *really* wanted to insult someone, I'd write a horrible story in which Matrix meets a horrible, slow, and bloody death. Ha ha! Die, Matrix! Die! (author gets about 100 nasty e-mails from Matrix fans) Ack! No, no! He was just an example! Really!
e-mail at: Zssp@compusmart.ab.ca. Flames, comments, praise, and all major credit card numbers welcome.
Megabyte: Let's see...that's 24 to 14 people cheering for me winning the battle for Mainframe instead of you...
Bob: Hrmph
Megabyte: Oh, and look, Mog's vote results are in.
Dot: (looking up)You mean for everone's favorite character? Read it ouloud!
Bob: Sure.
(Grabs vid-window. Megabyte glares.)
Bob:It's out of 97. Fax Modem-1, Al-2,
Al: (off-stage) What?!
Bob: Frisket and Scuzzy also 2,
Frisket: GROWL!
Bob: Whoa! Down boy! Cecil, Phong and Gigabyte-3, Dot got 4-
Dot: WHAT?!
(Mouse snickers)
Bob:-and so did Mouse.
Mouse: WHAT?!
(This time, Dot snickers)
Bob: Mike got 5 and so did (lowers voice) Hexidecimal.
Megabyte: DON'T let her hear that.
Bob: Hack and Slash, 6, AndrAIa 7-
Mouse: Hey, is she in this fanfic anyway?
Bob: (Shrugs) I dunno. Enzo 13,
Enzo: Alright! Best yet!
Bob: (Smugly) Me, 14-
Enzo: Aww...
Bob: and...and...
(He trails off suddenly, then squints at the vid-window.)
Dot: What is it Bob?
Bob:Uh...Megabyte 23.
Everyone: WHAT?!
Megabyte: Really? (Looks smug and inspects his fingernails) Ah, my loyal fans prove their admiration for me again...
Dot: Give me that!
(She snatches away the vid-window from Bob, while this time Bob glares.)
Dot: Aw geez, he's right!
Enzo: *Viral boy* beat us in a fan survey?! *He* got 23 votes?!
Megabyte: (acting insulted) Well, it's not MY fault that I'm more popular than you...
(The author suddenly pops in)
Author: Acually, it's going to be 24 soon. I voted for him too. Mog just has to update his page soon.
(vanishes)
Enzo: Oh great, the author's on his side, too! This sucks!
(goes off and looks for the rest of his energy shakes)
Dot: These people obviously have NO sense of taste WHATSOEVER!
Mouse: For once sugah', ah agree.
Bob: Well, I DID come in second...
Dot & Mouse: Shut up.
Hex: (Appears from nowhere, and looks angry) Brother, are you saying that I was chosen *second* to YOU?!
Megabyte: (smugly) Actually, it was more like sixth.
Hexidecimal: Wh-what?
Megabyte: Well, you and the T.V are *tied* for sixth accually, but...
Hex: (fuming) WHAT?! WHY THOSE...(goes to inquisitive mode) who WAS second?
Megabyte: The guardian. 14 votes.
Hex: WHAT?!?!?! GRRRRRR...(switches to Ultra-mad mode) and look- THE AUTHOR IS TYPING MY NAME AS HEX INSTEAD OF HEXIDECIMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bob: Oh User, she's lost it *again*. Everyone run!
(Everybody dives for cover)
Dot: (looking around) Where's Enzo?
Mouse: He had to go to the bathroom.
(Hexadecimal is powering up)
Hexidecimal: WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH THIS SYSTEM THERE'S NOT EVEN GOING TO BE A SINGLE *PIXEL* LEFT!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! NOT A SINGLE-
(She's knocked over by what appears to be a green blur)
Enzo( Very,*very* fast): Hey,HiMs.DecimalboyyoulookmadguesswhatIdrankTwentyfiveEnergyshakesandnowIfeelkinoffunnyyouhaven't seenDotaroundhaveyouIwasgoingtoknockheroverbutyouwerethereandIthoughtI'dsayHelloandI'llgetoffyounow andgolookforDotorBobhaveyouseenthem,No?Ididn'tthinksowellbyeseeyoulatterMs.Decimalgottogo (accuallyIalreadywentbutthat'snotwhatIment)
(Hyper Enzo zips away. Hexidecimal just gets up and brushes herself off and says vaugely,)
Hexidecimal: What do you *put* in those shakes anyway? (notices author's using her full name now.) Ah, at last! Respect! (puts on puzzled face) What was I doing just now?
Everyone: (hastily) Nothing!
(A knock is heard at the door)
Voice: O.K., time to go people! The episode's starting!
Bob: Sure thing! Dot, could you get the door please? (jumps up on zipboard)
Dot: What am I, your menial slave? O.K, O.K., here. (opens the door)
(Bob is flying through, when Hyper-Enzo knocks over Dot, and accidently pushes the door closed)
Bob: What the...ARGH!
BAMM!
Dot: Enzo! Settle down! Look what you did.
Enzo:OhsorryBobandDotgeeIdidn'tmeantodothatbutOhwell,toolatenow,anyhowarewegoingyethuhuhuhuhuh...
Dot: Yes, we are...(Screams) NOW SETTLE DOWN!!!!!!
Enzo: (in a very small voice) o.k...
Bob: Excuse me? I'm in PAIN here...
Dot: Oh yeah, right, you O.K. Bob?
Bob: I guess...
Dot: Great. (stands up)
Bob: Hey! You could help me up-
(Megabyte walks over, picks up Bob, and throws him away.)
Megabyte: Other people need to use this door too, you know. (leaves)
Dot: Well c'mon Bob (leaves)
Bob: Hey! I...wait for me! (hobbles out)
(Everyone else leaves.)
Cue the themesong!
Bob: Well, I guess it's time for me and Dot to go that movie together!
(Nothing happens.)
Bob: Yep! I sure would be a SHAME if a GAME CUBE dropped by.
(More nothing happens.)
Bob: Or if HEXIDECIMAL were to start causing CHAOS and DESTRUCTION all OVER THE PLACE.
(Yet more nothing happens.)
Bob: (slightly desperate) Or if a PIRATE SHIP or CODEMASTER from another system came to WREAK HAVOC ON MAINFRAME!
(Still more nothing happens.)
Bob: (really desperate) Or if MEGABYTE and his ARMY suddenly spontaneously decided to ATTACK the PRINCIPAL OFFICE!
(Nothing happens, part V)
Bob: Damn! That last one always ALMOST works!
(He vid-windows the Tor. Megabyte is sitting on his throne, looking vaguely annoyed at the intrusion.)
Megabyte: Yes? What is it, guardian?
Bob: Uh...I just wanted to say that if you were planning to do something evil that would mean HAVING TO GO AND BREAK MY DATE BECAUSE I'D HAVE TO STOP IT (hint hint) that I would...uh..stop it. Yeah.
Megabyte: (rolls his eyes) You and Ms. Matrix have another date, don't you?
Bob: I was drunk! I didn't know what I was thinking!
Megabyte: Nethertheless...
Bob: (breaking down and half sobbing) PLEASEEEEEEEEEE???? Please please please please please??? I don't WANT to go and see the English Patient! I'll do anything! I swear! (Well, anything that dosen't break the plot code at least.)
Megabyte: What would that be?
Bob: Well, opening a portal to the supercomputer, killing off or permanently infecting any of the main cast, taking over mainframe, and anything over a PG-13 age limit.
Megabyte: (thinking) Hmmm...very well. Let's just say you owe me a favor for now, and I'll call it in later, alright?
Bob: (having second thoughts)Well...
Megabyte: Are you two seeing the directors cut? I hear there's 23 more nanoseconds of insipid love dialouge in it.
Bob: Gyahh! O.K, O.K! Deal!
Megabyte: Right. I'll send over a couple of leigons. Remember Bob-you owe me. (signs off quietly chuckling)
Bob: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
(A sudden BOOM is heard coming from the Principal Office. Bob brightens up.)
Bob: Uh oh! An attack! Heh heh...
(A vid-window pops up. Dot is on it.)
Dot: Bob! Megabyte's attacking the Principal Office! We'll have to cancel our date! Get there, fast!
Bob: I'm on my way!
Dot: Wait a sec! Give me your movie ticket.
Bob: (puzzled) Sure. (hands it over.)
Dot: The movie theartre is pretty far away from the Principal Office, so at least Enzo and AndrAIa can see it and be safe there. They could use the culture.
Bob: (Thinking "Oh User, those poor little sprites!" Outloud) Well, gee Dot, uh, I guess I'd better get going! (zips off)
Enzo: Geez, why dosen't this guy just DIE ALREADY?!!!
One Binome: Pipe down!
AndrAIa: Enzo, why must we do this?
Enzo: Aww, Dot said we had to. She said we should do something besides reading comic-bytes and fooling around.
AndrAIa: Did she say we had to see the WHOLE film?
Enzo: Huh? Well, no...
Zero Binome: Hey! Quiet!
AndrAIa: Then may we go and see another movie instead?
Enzo: Hey, yeah! All right AndrAIa!!!
Everyone: QUIET!
Enzo: Geez, o.k, o.k. Buch of dorks...
(They sneak out of the theartre, and look around in the lobby at what else is playing.)
Enzo: Well, what now?
AndrAIa: Perhaps this one called "Akira"?
Enzo: Sure.
(They both walk out. Their eyes are glazed, and Enzo looks kind of pale.)
AndrAIa: (in a funny voice) Enzo?
Enzo: (Queasily) Yes?
AndrAIa: Please tell me that people do not do that to each other in real life.
Enzo: They don't. BELIVE me they don't.
AndrAIa: (Weakly) Oh good. Look. There is a washroom. I think I shall go there for a moment...(clamps a hand over her mouth and runs)
Enzo: Urk...bye! (Dosen't even bother to explain where HE'S going)
Bob: So guys, how was the movie?
(Enzo chokes on his energy shake, and AndrAIa excuses herself)
Enzo: *cough* It, uh, was...O.K. I kinda liked it...
Dot: (proudly) You're finally learning how to appreciate stuff other than T.V movies and vector-ball? Good for you!
Enzo: Uh, yeah...
(Bob looks sceptically at Enzo, noticing he looks a little pale.)
Bob: Don't you want to hear how the fight went? I didn't even get a scratch on my bike...
(At the word "bike", Enzo rushes off)
Bob: What's with HIM?
Dot: I don't know. Anyhow, Bob, we can go see...
Bob: (thinking, Oh no, she's going to ask me to go out another time! No no no no no...)
Dot: the mov-
(She's rudely interupted as Mike the T.V bursts in)
Mike: Today, on the news! A shocking scoop of a *certain* (looks at Bob who begins to sweat) person making a deal with a virus! The faces have been blacked out to protect the names of the guilty! And now, the footage...
(Bob leaps up and grabs Mike)
Bob: Mike! That's the last time you interupt us! I'm going to have to have a talk with you in my appartment. See ya Dot.
(he zips off before Dot can make another date.)
Outside the Diner...
Bob: Show me the film.
(Mike runs the footage. You can see Bob's Guardian outfit, and hear Megabyte's voice *really* clearly)
Bob: You call *that* protecting someone's identity?
Mike: Well, I bet there are *other* people who wear blue in mainframe...
Bob: Give me the tape.
Mike: This counts as harasment of the media, you know!
Bob: *Now* Mike.
(Mike, looking at Bob's expresion, wisely spits out the tape (well, acually it's a CD) and hands it to Bob.)
Bob: And there are no other copies?
Mike: Bob, don't you *trust* me?
Bob: No.
(They leave, arguing. We go back to the diner for a second. Er, nanosecond.)
Dot: (sighs) Oh well, at least this means I won't have to shift around my scheduel again. (looks at clock.) Ahhhh! I'm 0.2 nanoseconds LATE! Grrrrr...battles are NOT part of my daily scheduel!
(Dot franticaly punches up about 15 vid-windows and gets to work. Everything is normal...for now at least.)
Cue the ending song!
Hexadecimal: Wait a moment! I DIDN'T GET A *SINGLE* LINE IN THIS SHOW!
Author: (hastily) But I'm planning a big part for you! Really! You'll just have to wait for the next episode!
HEXIDECIMAL: Wait? You expect *me*, one of the most elegant, beautiful, and *powerful* viruses ever created to *WAIT*?!
Author: (taking a chance) Yes.
Hexidecimal: O.K. (leaves)
Author: Phew. You never know if that's going to work or not. Push the button, Frank. (obscure Mystery Science Theartre 3000 joke)
Frank: Sure thing, Steve!
(Bloop)
Author's note- First, I have never seen the English Patient, and have only read the review and seen it mocked on Seinfield, so this may be a *bit* biased. If you happen to like it, please don't send me that 3000 line flame you're writting right now. Ditto for anything else. Akira is a Japanese animation movie (yay! Anime!) that can get pretty violent and gory at times. I thought it would be funny to see how a bunch of relatively innocent sprites would react to seeing that...heh heh.
(Enzo & AndrAIa pop in)
Enzo: You're sick!
AndrAIa: Yeah!
Author: Hey! The show is OVER already!
Enzo: We don't care!
AndrAIa: Yeah! You're mean!
Author: (thinking of Megabyte) Let's just say I had a *great* role model. And if you don't go away now, you're going to be sorry...
Enzo & AndrAIa: Make us!
(author pulls out a bazooka)
Author: Tetsuo!!!
Enzo & AndrAIa: Ahhh! (run off)
Author: FINALLY.
(The real end...for now.)