Zssp@compusmart.ab.ca C'mon, e-mail me. I dare you.
I'd like to say thanks again to Guardian Angel, who's letting me use her fanfic character in here. I have her permission and everything, so don't worry. I'm not ripping the Winter Saga off. BTW, I have NO idea when in the Winter Saga this happens. I don't want to nail down a specific date or anything. Remember this is a parody. (As if I'd ever let you forget) And Jerry-don't worry, Grid's time will come… ;)
And to Tiger (no, not me, another one who frequents the net, AKA Tora-Chan, AKA Shalene) who appears in this somewhere, hi Tora! Told you I'd stick you in here! You get more parts, don't worry. ;)
To everyone else who I promised I'd stick in here, don't worry, you feature in the next chapter. I said part FIVE, remember? Doing what? Well, you'll see. :) Wait till you reach the bottom.
(dramatically) Now- to the fic!
* * *
(We're inside Bob's apartment, where he's rubbing his neck. He eventually got Hexadecimal's collar off with a complicated series of events that included Mike the T.V, a crowbar, a jar of Vaseline, and a lot of swearing.)
Bob: Thank User this second's almost over. (sighs) Nothing else could possibly go wrong...(pauses) of course, now that I've said that, I'm probably going to be run over by a bus or killed by a tear or something.
(Phong pops up on a vid-window)
Phong: Bob, could you please come to the Principal Office?
Bob: (groaning and getting up) See what I mean?
* * *
(Bob is in the Principle Office in the main hall they always meet in. Phong zooms in, and someone's behind him...)
Phong: Ah Bob, I- what's that big bruise all around your neck?
Bob: Oh, ahaha, nothing.
Phong: Well I have terrible news. (dramatic music builds up, and we zoom in on Phong's face.) There is a plot tear in Mainframe!
(Music: dah dah dah DUHHHHHHHHH!)
Bob: (blandly (ruining the moment)) Plot tear?
Phong: (sighs at Bob messing up the scene) Simply put, a plot tear is a gateway to other realities, mostly fanfics, that opens up whenever there is a high number of plot holes or plot devices in a fic.
Sprite Behind Phong: Whoa. Cool!
Bob: (starring at sprite) Who're you?
Phong: Ah yes, this is Winter. Winter, Bob. Bob, Winter.
Winter: (suspiciously) Hi. You a full guardian?
Bob: Yeah, why?
Winter: Oh uh, just wondering. (Thinking: Okay man, don't panic, remember the Supercomputer never PROVED I was the one who burnt down those buildings)
Phong: Winter here came through the plot tear, and unfortunately cannot return until enough plot devices occur to stabilize it again, much like a regular tear and energy. Fortunately, I have two agents of mine who will be stationed there to monitor it.
* * *
(We go briefly to the principal office parking lot. Two binomes are loading equipment into a car.)
Data Nully: (turns to Modem) Modem, you carry the camera this time.
Fax Modem: Okay Nully but that means you have to take the tranquilizer gun.
Nully: (sighing) Modem, we never manage to get any proof for your so called "theories" anyhow.
Modem: That's not true Nully. Remember that albino binome-eating snake we almost caught?
Nully: It was a null Modem.
Modem: Nully, you just aren't willing to accept the supernatural.
Nully: No, I'm just not willing to accept things written by people on medication as conspiracies and cover-ups.
Modem: The truth is out there, Nully.
Nully: Out WHERE Modem?
Modem: (Dramatic pause) I haven't figured that out yet.
Nully: Get in the car Modem.
* * *
(Back to the P.O)
Phong: Winter needs someplace to stay, and, since I'm too busy to take care of her for now, I must ask you too do it.
Bob: Me?! But what about Dot?
Phong: Dot is sick, my son.
Bob: (thinking of Dot dancing to User Girl) Yeah right.
Phong: I'm sorry?
Bob: Uh, I said, "You're right!" Well, okay...come on Winter.
Winter: Do you have cable?
Bob: Yeah, Mike's around somewhere.
(As he's walking out, Bob notices something strange on a table behind Phong.)
Bob: Phong, what IS that your desk?
Phong: What? (quickly hides it behind his back) Oh, uh, nothing.
Bob: (shaking his head) Okay. Forget I asked.
(He and Winter leave)
Phong: (wiping his brow in relief, and bringing the object out from behind his back) I should really stop leaving these Lightsabers lying around.
* * *
(George Lucas is at a board meeting when suddenly his head snaps up)
Chairman of the Board: And so you see sir, with our investors stocks we can...
George Lucas: I feel a disturbance in the copyright!
Chairman of the Board: (sighing) Oh no, not *again*...
George Lucas: Someone has just ripped me off!
Chairman of the Board: (desperately) Yes sir. Could you please just look at the chart for a mome-
George Lucas: Quiet man! Fetch the lawyers!
(The Chairman of the Board groans.)
* * *
(Dot is quietly reading, a .txt file, with the readme file in one hand and popcorn in the other. She puts down the .txt and sighs)
Dot: I'm getting bored with just sitting around. But it's either this or face Bob.
(She looks at he popcorn thoughtfully. Experimenting, she tosses a kernel up into the air and manages to catch it in her mouth. Grinning, she throws up another one when everyone's favorite insane virus decides to vid-window her.)
Dot: Hexadecimal?! GACK! (openmouthed, she swallows the popcorn the wrong way and starts choking.)
Hexadecimal: Gack? What do you mean, gack? Oh I see you're choking.
(holding her throat, Dot nods furiously)
Hexadecimal: Oh.
(Hex just sits there staring for a while. Then: )
Hexadecimal: Would you like me to help you?
(Nod nod nod)
Hexadecimal: Okay! (she reaches through a portal-window, and whacks Dot on the back. Dot stops choking and falls back onto the bed. She lies there gasping for breath.)
Dot: *Pant!* *Pant!* Hex! You *pant* SAVED me!
Hexadecimal: (puzzled mask) I did? (understanding mask) Ah. I guess I did! (puzzled mask again) Why did I do that for? Dot?
(Dot is unable to respond because she's too busy gasping for air.)
Hexadecimal: Dot? (singsong voice) Do-o-o-o-o-t-t-t-t...
(She waves a hand over Dot's face)
Dot: I'm FINE. *pant* I'm just recovering. (takes a deep breath) Okay, I'm fine now. (sits up) Uh, thanks I guess. Even though you were the one who CAUSED me to choke. What did you want to talk about?
Hexadecimal: Well, I WAS going to annoy you, but now the surprise is a bit spoiled, don't you think?
Dot: Uh, yeah. Whatever. (she pauses for a moment) Oh no. I just figured it out.
Hexadecimal: Oh really? What?
Dot: Why you saved my life. That means I'LL have to save YOUR life later on! It's a plot device that never fails.
(The author groans and sighs. Dot wasn't supposed to figure that out! This fic is getting out of hand...)
Dot: Stupid plot device...(She stands up) Right. Now Hex, I'm sure you don't want to be in a position where I'll have to save you, right?
Hexadecimal: (guardedly) Right...
Dot: And I don't want to be obligated to you for any longer than necessary. Right?
Hexadecimal: (Still guardedly) Right...
Dot: And if we're together, the more chances we have of this whole "I save your life thing" happening, right?
Hex: Right...
Dot: So here's the plan-I stay at Lost Angles until this whole thing is over.
Hexadecimal: Well, I can see how that would be a good-what?!!!
(Dot, who is apparently enjoying the job of organizing something, (and who is grateful for putting off seeing Bob again) ReBoots into that black and white outfit we saw in Identity Crisis and grabs her organizer.)
Dot: It's simple. The longer we're together, the sooner something bad will happen to you while we're in the same room. That way, we won't miss it. (briskly) Now, when can I come over?
Hexadecimal: Wait a nanosecond! I never agreed-
Dot: But it makes *sense*. Here, I'll quickly explain it again...
(Dot launches into a fast and complex speech that a bewildered Hexadecimal tries to follow, but with no avail. The speech leaves her with the vague feeling that Ms. Matrix is to come over and stay a while for something important.)
Hexadecimal: (Interrupting Dot) Yes yes, fine, whatever, just please stop talking so fast, you can come over right now...(semi-irritated, Hex drops a portal onto Dot)
* * *
(The User is sitting at his\her desk. They put a small table besides the desk.)
User: Two six packs of Pepsi...three packs of Bubbilicious gum...three Mars bars...four Wonderbars...(looks at table thoughtfully) make that six...(tosses on two more) one bag of sour cream and onion chips...one of sour cream and bacon...two of barbecue...one of nacho flavor...and one bag of fuzzy peach things. THIS ought to be enough to keep me up all night! I WILL pass Quake on the nightmare difficulty level...
(The User sits down and accesses a game...)
* * *
(Bob and Winter are flying home, when "Warning, incoming game" is heard ringing throughout the system.)
Bob: Just my luck! Winter, stick with me in the game, okay?
Winter: Hey, sure.
(They're inside the game. It's Quake time!)
Bob: Quake? I hate this game...ReBoot! (he ReBoots as one of those half-zombie mutant soldiers)
Winter: ReBoot! (ReBoots with a small pistol) Aw man, why do I always get the crappy weapons?
Bob: Now Winter, stay here while I- (he freezes, and pushes Winter against the wall.) Shh! I can hear something!
(Bob slowly creeps to a corner, and then whips out his nailgun and fires. The figure he was aiming at ducks then grabs his gun, tossing it to the side, and yanks Bob off his feet by the front of his shirt, still in a half crouch. This happens in a matter of User seconds.)
Winter: (Who has wandered up to watch) Whoa. That was great!
Bob: Megabyte?!
Megabyte: Oh, Bob. It's you.
(Megabyte straightens up, holding Bob casually by the throat.)
Bob: What are YOU doing here?
Megabyte: (sighing) I had to pick up Hack and Slash. They fell apart. AGAIN.
(Bob is surreptitiously trying to slip out of Megabyte's grasp.)
Bob: Why do you keep them around anyway?
Megabyte: They have five-hour contracts.
Bob: Ouch. Bad move.
Megabyte: Tell me about it. Why exactly were you aiming that gun at me, Bob? (Megabyte tightens his grip on Bob's neck slightly.)
Bob: I thought you were the User! I swear!
(Winter's gone over and picked up the Nailgun)
Winter: Now THIS is more like it! (mock aims it at Bob) Hasta La Vista User.
Bob: Winter! Put that DOWN!
Megabyte: (interested) Winter? I don't believe we've met.
Winter: (looking up at Megabyte impressed) Whoo! You're tall. I feel like I'm the shortest person in this whole system.
Megabyte: (shrugging) There's always Mike the TV.
Winter: Who?
Megabyte: You MUST be new.
(Suddenly, about twenty demons flood into the room.)
Bob: Augh! Winter, give me the- (Megabyte drops Bob and ducks behind a pillar because half of the game sprites have just opened fire.)
Bob: Winter! (grabs the gun and tries to pull her to safety, but a demon bashes into Bob, separating them. He yells after her: ) Winter! Just take cover!
(Winter dives behind a large pile of boxes.)
Winter: User pound it. (She shoots a few demons with the pistol, but it just makes them mad.) Damn. (she bumps into something.) What the-whoa, cool! (she picks it up. Beside her is a box labeled "ammo".) I can get this fully loaded!
(Bob is hiding behind a pillar next to Megabyte, and has killed a few of the demons but is running out of bullets. Megabyte is decapitating any that come near enough)
Bob: Great. I've only killed four and I'm almost out of ammo!
Megabyte: (slicing through a demon) This is my fifth, actually.
Bob: So there are what, eleven left?
Meagbyte: (killing another demon) Ten, now.
Bob: We are so dead.
Megabyte: Well, there IS a box of nailgun bullets on the other side of the room.
(Bob takes a look at the box, which could only be reached by dashing past ten soldiers with big, fully loaded guns.)
Bob: No way. I'd never get through that without armor.
(He then looks thoughtfully at Megabyte.)
Bob: Out of curiosity, how strong IS your skin?
Megabyte: (blinks) It's pretty strong. Why- (realizes what Bob's getting at and glares at him) No.
Bob: Come on! You can repair the bullet dents! I can't repair my flesh!
Megabyte: I know. That's why I'm not getting it.
Bob: Oh gee, thanks, then we're STUCK here!
Megabyte:(annoyed) Why don't you just use *glitch* to get it?
Bob: (embarrassed) Oh yeah...heh heh. Glitch. I forgot about that.
Megabyte: (looking at Bob askance) How did you ever get them to let you out of guardian training school anyway?
(Bob just grumbles to himself about unappreciative viruses and peers out behind the pillars. He says, "Glitch, arm!" It flies out about two feet, stops, turns to both sides as if looking around, then zooms back onto Bob's arm.)
Bob: (waving arm and almost freaking out) ACK!!! It can't DO that!!!!!!
Megabyte: I guess even GLITCH knows better than to go out there.
(suddenly, a rocket explodes and turns one of the game sprites into a colorful splat on the wall. The other demons turn around and see Winter firing about 50 rockets at them. They blow up REALLY disgustingly.)
Winter: (proudly waving rocket launcher) Bitchin'! Look at what I found! (looking at the gore-splattered walls) Glad that wasn't me.
Megabyte: (turning to face Winter, eyebrow arched) You know, considering you can't be older than 01, that was quite impressive.
Winter: Oh. Thanks! (she turns around, only to see ANOTHER demon flying at her.) Oh $H^&! (she ducks. It flies instead towards the virus and Megabyte does the decapitation thing again...)
Winter: (starring at MB) Whoa. That was cool!
(Megabyte blinks. So far, he's gotten many reactions to claws from "*gulp*" to a whimper to "AUGHPLEASEDON'TKILLMEPLEASEDON'TKILLMEPLEASEDON'TKILLME...", but cool hasn't yet been one of them.)
Megabyte: Um, thank you. I think.
Bob: (sulkily) You didn't say Glitch was cool...
Winter: Your wussy key-tool was too scared to move. (She was aparently close enough to hear their conversation)
Bob: (offended) Hey! Don't talk about Glitch that way! (sniffs) It has feelings too you know! (consolingly to Glitch) Don't worry, she didn't mean it.
Winter: Yes I did.
Bob: (glaring) Ssh!
Megabyte: (taking a step back) Bob, have you been on Nyquil again lately?
(The User bursts in, looks at the walls, at Bob, Megabyte, Winter, then back to the walls. Quite stupidly, he turns to Bob and Megabyte and ignores Winter.)
Winter: Hey! Leave them alone!
(The User still stupidly ignores her.)
Winter: (aiming rocket launcher) Okay then, up yours USER BOY!!!!!!!!!
Bob: Oh sh-(jumps)
(Megabyte doesn't even bother to swear and leaps out of the way of a blast that rocks the whole level.)
Soothing Computer Voice: GAME OVER.
(the game-cube leaves. Winter is happily whistling. Bob and Megabyte just look at her.)
Bob: Winter...
Winter: Yeah?
Bob: NEVER do that again while I'm standing that close to the User. EVER. Please.
Megabyte: (snidely) She DID win the game guardian. It's certainly not HER fault you couldn't move out of the way that fast.
Winter: See? HE'S on my side!
Bob: (muttering) Oh shut up both of you. (Thinking to himself: It's just a good thing that I'm wearing a diffrent pair of pants than I was in the game...MAN I wish I hadn't drunk all that coffee before leaving Kits...)
(The sky goes purple, and the computer voice is heard once again...)
Bob: Oh no, the User's on a gaming kick again! I HATE it when this happens! Last time it was nearly five straight cycles of Diablo! I must have killed him about fifteen times! (half sobs) Oh why me? Winter, just ask someone where Kits is, okay? I've gotta go. (zips off to the game)
Winter: Oh great. Uh...(turns to Megabyte) So Kits is...
Megabyte: (points) That way. The guardian lives in the apartment with the giant eightball on top.
Winter: Ick. Tacky. I can't believe I have to live with a *guardian*.
Megabyte: (intrigued) Really? Why?
Winter: Me and Guardians just- don't get along.
Megabyte: Ah.
Winter: They get worked up over the smallest stuff, like whether or not you were at a certain place with matches when it caught on fire. (hastily) Not that *I* ever was.
Megabyte: I know what you mean. Try telling them that because of your programming you plan to invade the Supercomputer and raid the armory and they're completely unsympathetic.
Winter: (Nods) Yeah. And those uniforms- kinda geeky if you ask me.
Megabyte: Completely. I *hate* the way they just automatically think they're in charge of a system during a crisis.
Winter: Yeah. It's like, who died and made THEM command .com? You know what? I think they LIKE the games. I mean, if they weren't there, they'd be out of a job. And then there wouldn't be any tears. They'd just have to fight viruses. (quickly) Not that fighting viruses is right.
Megabyte: You know what they do all the time? If you're a virus, they shoot first and ask questions later. (sounding insulted) When the guardian first came to Mainframe, he just *assumed* I was evil!
Winter: But...
Megabyte: Yes?
Winter: You ARE evil.
Megabyte: Yes, but that's not the *point*. He just *assumed* I was.
Sure the fact that the first thing I did when I came here was take over one third of Mainframe, but still.
Winter: (sympathetically) Maybe it was your voice. Well, gotta go. Wouldn't want him to freak out if he thought I was missing.
(Winter zips off. An ABC with the remains of Hack and Slash pulls up. Megabyte sighs.)
Megabyte: Alright. Tell me. How did it happen THIS time?
Hack: Well, you know Frisket?
Slash: That really big dog?
Megabyte: (Rolling eyes.) Yes, of course I do.
Hack: We just found out that he really, REALLY hates dog whistles.
* * *
(Back to the plot tear. The constant parody energy feeding it has nearly stabilized it.)
Modem: (as another blast of energy radiates from it) There it goes again. Hey!
(A small shape leaps from the p-tear and scampers away. Modem didn't catch much of a glimpse, but he saw it was striped orange and black. Nully comes around the corner with a package in her hands)
Nully: Here you go Modem. I got you a BitMac and an energy shake. And yes, I got the free kid toy that comes with the meal.
Modem: Nully! A creature just leapt through the plot hole. It was huge and orange and had glowing eyes and-
Nully: Modem!
Modem: What?
Nully: Just take the burger.
(Modem takes the package and starts to munch on it, muttering, "but it WAS there...I swear it!..." he opens up his toy.)
Modem: A red transformer. Do you realize what this means Nully?
Nully: (rolling eyes) Let me guess Modem. It's an elaborate government plot to subliminally make children rebel against their parents by quitting school, therefore making the government and law more important by the higher youth-crime rates that will be raised by all the dropouts.
Modem: (looking at Nully funny) No, it just means I have the complete set. I've always wanted the red one.
Nully: Oh.
(Silence for a while. Then: )
Modem: Nully?
Nully: Yes Modem?
Modem: It was a *good* theory though.
Nully: Thanks Modem.
(more silence)
Modem: We need a vacation, don't we?
Nully: Oh yeah.
* * *
(Hack and Slash are being flown to the Tor. Megabyte's waiting for his limo. He taps his fingers idly against his arm. He shakes his head once, as if something's bothering him. The virus looks up and glares at something we can't see. Finally, he says,)
Megabyte: Will you please turn off that WRETCHED Star Wars music?!
Author: (off screen) But I LOVE the imperial march! It's the song that comes on every time Darth Vader appears. Dum dum dum, dumdumdum dum dum dum, dumdumdum...
Megabyte: Yes, I can HEAR it. Now will you turn it off?
Author: Sigh. Fine.
Megabyte: Thank you.
(Megabyte hears a soft "meow" from the ground. Snapping back to reality, he looks down to see a cat. It's orange and black striped, with big blue eyes. It looks at him and meows again.)
Megabyte: What the- (he reaches down to pick it up. The cat jumps up onto his arm, and clings there.) Hey, get off!
(He stands up. The cat purrs and rubs her head against his arm. She gives him the cutest "I like you" look.)
Megabyte: No, I'm serious, get off. Don't make me rip you from my arm! (She loosens her grip slightly and he picks her off and holds her up to his face by the scruff of her neck.) Now look, just run back to your owner (if you have one) and-
(she tries to bat at his nose, looking incredibly cute. Megabyte's face softens for a moment)
Megabyte: That IS adorable though -no wait, what am I saying?
(He glares again. His limo pulls up and the door opens. Twising out of his grasp, the kitty jumps into his limo.)
Megabyte: Hey, get out of there!
Cat: Meow!
(She settles into the cushions comfortably. Megabyte goes in and tries to make a grab for her. She evades his grasp easily and jumps up onto his crown. Peering down into his face, she goes "meow?" inquisitively. Megabyte is about to grab her, but stops his hand a few inches away from her. The look she's giving him would win first place in any "innocent, adorable looking pet you would want to take home with you" contest. His face softens slightly again.)
Megabyte: Well, you ARE cute...and I've always like cats. And Hexadecimal accidentally made Nibbles fall into the sea, so a pet might be nice...
Cat: Meow?
Megabyte: But Hex is allergic to cats with fur.
Cat: Mew?
Megabyte: You can *definitely* stay.
(He waves a hand and the limo door closes and the limo drives off.)
Cat: Mew! (curls up into that silver part of his torso, that, for lack of a better word, we'll call his lap.)
Megabyte: But what's your name?
Author: (from off-screen) It's Tiger, Tora or Tora-chan for short, but her FULL name is Shalene.
Megabyte: (looks up) What? How do YOU know?
Author: (Wearily) Trust me.
Tiger: Mew!
Author: (frowns) This night get confusing. I mean, I'm SILVER tiger, and she's also called Tiger...oh well. As long as people always remember the Silver in my name I'll be fine.
Megabyte: Whatever. (watches Tiger catch imaginary dust specks with her paw)
Author: (rolls her eyes) Not that it matters to you. (goes away)
* * *
(Dot and Hex are standing around kind of awkwardly. Dot is humming "Happy Binomes and Sprites" by Turquoise. Hex is adjusting the light in the room. Neither knows exactly what to do.)
Dot: (suddenly) Hey, could we turn on Mike?
Hexadecimal: (shrugging and relived at something to break the ice) Sure. (She gestures and Mike falls in through a portal)
Mike: AUGH! I mean, hi!
Hexadecimal: Well Michael, anything good on today?
Mike: There's a Turquoise Special on MTV.
Dot: No wait! Don't turn it on!
Hexadecimal &Mike: Why not?
Dot: Uh-(blushes) Well, you see...I...always dance to Turquoise songs. I can't help it.
Hexadecimal: Oh what a pity. Turn it on Michael.
Dot: Ack! No!
(But it's too late. Mike turns on, and Turquoise is playing "Dataman". Dot tries to plug her ears but she starts humming along and before you know it...)
Dot: (singing into a mike that Mike tossed her and dancing) Oh my love, I know you are my Dataman, and oh my love, your word is my command, oh my love, I know you are my Dataman and oh my love, let us fly, to dataland! Whoa-oh-oa-ohhhh...
Hexadecimal: (nodding her head in time to music) This IS entertaining!
Dot: (between verses) Shut...up! And Mike...if you take pictures...you ...are so deleted!
Mike: (hiding camera) I wouldn't DREAM of it.
Dot: Yeah...right!
* * *
And so concludes another thrilling chapter in this epic odyssey! (feel free to start laughing sarcastically here.) What's in store for us next? Will Dot finally get a chance to save Hex's life? Will Bob lose one of the games? What IS it with that cat anyway? Will we see what the heck is up with Mouse? And will Winter ever return through the plot tear? What else will come out? All these questions and,-guess what?-none of the answers next episode! Next ep. is a special one, with many of the wacky personalities that frequent #ReBoot and the net featured in it!
Next episode, the loyal ReBoot followers in the U.S get fed up with waiting for a network to pick up ReBoot, and decide to do something about it! Many of their fellow Canadian ReBoot fans join in and help. The author herself is there, so unfortunately, the cast just sits around all day because she didn't have time to write the script. Stay tunned for: The Parody With No Name Part 5: Rally 'round the net! (Yes, I stole that from the ReBoot mailing list, but no one seemed to want it anyway.)