9/10/97
A Second at Dot's
Cast
Bob
Dot
Enzo
AndrAIa
Mouse
Frisket
Cecil
Customer1
Customer2
Customer3
Dot: Enzo, what are you doing?
Enzo: My homework.
Dot: Your homework involves turning the lights on and off every five nanoseconds?
Enzo: No. I just like to do it.
Dot: Knock it off!
Enzo: Why?
Dot: Because I said so!
Enzo: Why?
Dot: Because I'm your older sister and you have to do what I say!
Enzo: Why?
Dot: Because you're just a kid!
Enzo: Oh.
AndrAIa enters.
Enzo: Hello AndrAIa.
AndrAIa: Why do you keep calling me "AndrAIa"?
Enzo: Because it's your name?
AndrAIa: Oh. Yeah, that is a good reason. I mean, what else would you call me?
Enzo: "An"?
Dot: "DrAIa"?
Enzo: "Andy"?
Dot: "A.I."?
Enzo: "Andrea Libman"?
Dot and AndrAIa look at Enzo blankly for a nanosecond.
Enzo: What???
Dot: I don't know. What?
Enzo: That's what I just said.
AndrAIa: No, that is what Dot just said.
Enzo: Dot said what?
Dot: Exactly.
AndrAIa: What exactly?
Dot: Exactly what.
Enzo: What???
Dot: Now you've got it!
AndrAIa: I have a head ache.
Enzo: Me 2.
Dot: No, you mean "me too".
Enzo: Whatever. Wanna play bacter ball, AndrAIa?
AndrAIa: Sure! Lets let Frisket play 2. I mean "too". Where is Frisket anyway?
Enzo: I don't know. Here Frisket!! Here boy!! (whistles and claps hands)
Frisket comes running into the diner, dragging Bob behind him by the leg.
Enzo: Hi Bob!
Bob: Enzo, have you fed Frisket lately?
Dot: Frisket! Bad dog! Drop Bob!
Frisket just looks at her.
Enzo: Frisket, drop Bob.
Frisket spits out Bob's leg.
Bob: Thanks. Yick! Dog spit.
AndrAIa: Here, catch!
She throws a baseball-sized ball to Enzo. Enzo leaps after the ball and lands on a table top to catch it. AndrAIa jumps up on the counter to catch Enzo's pitch. She, Enzo, and Frisket keep tearing around the diner and causing all sorts of chaos in general.
The ball sails by Cecil narrowly missing his bow tie.
Cecil: Zoot-ar-roo! What are you tryeeng to do? Pleaze! You are cauzeeng a frightful commotion! Do not jump up on zee counterz! Ack! Ztop eet!
AndrAIa: Heads-up!
She wings the ball from the counter top and over Bob's head. Bob ducks slightly to avoid the ball.
Bob: Whoa!
Enzo: I got it!!!
He leaps off a table top and goes soaring into Bob, knocking him flat on his back. Enzo catches the ball.
Enzo: I GOT IT!!!!!!
He scrambles off Bob and throws the ball to Frisket.
Bob: I'm happy for you... Oh.... Pain.....
Dot: Enzo! AndrAIa! Stop it!
Mouse enters.
Mouse: Hey, ya'll. (the ball cruises by almost taking her nose off) HEY!!!
AndrAIa: (catches the ball) Got it!!! (she hurls the ball to Enzo)
Mouse: Geeze! You really gotta limit these 2 on energy shakes.
Dot: Don't you mean "two"?
Mouse: Nah. Same difference.
Dot: Oh. Yeah, that's true.
Mouse: Whut're ya doin' on th' floor, Sugah?
Bob: Trying to regain enough microprocessors to stand up.
Mouse: Oh. Wey-ell if that's all, Ah'm gonna order me a shake. Say Darlin', how's about a quantum shake?
Cecil: Do you mind? Zee name iz "Cecil".
Mouse: Yeah, yeah, whatever. How 'bout muh shake?
The ball comes screaming in. Mouse ducks just in time, but it smacks Cecil in the face.
Cecil: OoooOooh........Zat iz EET!!!! I QUEET!!!!! .......For zee second at leazt.
He storms out.
Dot: Oh perfect! How am I going to find another waiter?
Mouse: Yeah. Now how'm Ah supposed ta get muh shake?
Dot: Bob, get off the floor.
Bob: Okay, but I don't think it's worth.....
He gets up and is immediately slammed from behind by AndrAIa. He crashes face first into the floor.
AndrAIa: (catches the ball) I got it!!!!
She climbs off Bob and wings the ball.
Bob: Case in point.
Mouse: Doesn't that hurt?
Bob: Yeah, but I'm kind of used to it.
Mouse: Oh. Sorry Ah asked.
Bob: That's okay. (Bob gets up part way and sits cross-legged on the floor.) This should be safe.
Mouse: Ack! HIT THE DIRT!!!!
Mouse and Dot dive for cover, slamming Bob into the floor *again* as Frisket soars overhead after the ball. Enzo and AndrAIa race after him.
Bob: Guess not.
Dot: This is terrible!
Bob: I know, that's the third time in five microseconds that I've been slammed into the floor.
Dot: No! I didn't schedule any of this for this second!
An extremely large explosion type sound and lots of bangs and clangs are heard off stage.
Mouse: Was the dishwasher scheduled to blow up?
Dot: No.
Mouse: Wey-ell then, there goes more a' yer schedule, Honey.
Dot: Oh no! First my waiter, now the dishwasher!
She runs, followed by Bob and Mouse, into the bussing room which appears to have gone through both a hurricane and a massive earthquake.
Dot: Yeek! Look at this mess! It looks like a tornado came through!
Bob: Close. Actually, I'd say Frisket, Enzo, and AndrAIa came through.
Frisket, Enzo, and AndrAIa are still playing their wild game of ball. The ball comes tearing by and just misses giving Bob a *very* bad haircut.
Bob: All right. That's it!
He goes over to Enzo who has just caught the ball and is about to throw it again. Bob grabs Enzo's arm as he winds up.
Bob: Game called off on a count of diner destruction and fed-up adults.
Enzo: Hey! We were playing!
Dot: Look what you did to the bussing room!
Enzo: We didn't do anyth.... Oops.
AndrAIa: I am sensing a punishment.
Mouse: Brilliant Holmes.
AndrAIa: Who is "Holmes"?
Mouse: Uh... I dunno. Anyways, you 2 are in hot water.
Enzo: Don't you mean "two"?
Mouse: Nah. It's the same thing.
Enzo: Oh.
Mouse: As Ah was sayin', you 2 are in hot water.
Dot: Excellent idea Mouse.
Mouse: Thanks! Um... whut idea?
Dot: Hot water. Enzo, AndrAIa, both of you will wash all this second's dirty dishes.
Enzo: What?!?!
AndrAIa: No fair! Frisket helped make the mess!
Dot: He's a dog. He doesn't count. And if you'd left him outside he wouldn't have gotten into any trouble.
Bob: I'd like to argue that point.
Dot: *Ahem* As I was saying, Frisket will be tied up outside to some large, unmovable structure he can't drag away, like a lamp post. AndrAIa, you and Enzo will be washing dishes.
Enzo: That still bytes.
Dot: Since I don't have a waiter, Mouse, Bob, you'll have to help me out this second.
Mouse: Whut?!? I didn't break nothin'!
Bob: Ooooh no! You're not slapping a bow tie on me!
Dot: C'mon, pleeeeeeeeeeeease? I really need the help.
Bob: Well..... Okay. But I'm not wearing a bow tie.
Mouse: Why not? Ah think you'd look cute.
Bob: My point exactly.
AndrAIa: (holds up a carving knife) This knife has a better one.
Mouse: Oh no! PLEASE! Lets NOT get inta that!!!
Dot: Okay, okay, all "points" aside, will you help me out Mouse?
Mouse: Wey-ell since everybody's doin' somethin' Ah guess Ah can pitch in. Ah'd feel kinda left out otherwise.
Dot: Good! Thanks! Now hurry, the lunch crowd should be waiting on-line by now.
Mouse: (holding up a corner of her apron skirt) This really necessary?
Dot: Stained battle gear doesn't make that great an impression.
Mouse: Good point.
AndrAIa: (off camera) This carving knife has a better one!
Mouse: Just wash yer dishes! Sheesh! Kids this second.
Bob comes over.
Bob: (regarding his apron) Well, I suppose it's better than a bow tie.
Dot: Here (hands Bob a notepad and pen) go and take everyone's orders. Mouse you'll have to do the cooking. I'll take care of the cash register.
Bob: Okay.
Mouse: Whatever ya say, Honey.
Bob leaves to wait on tables and Mouse heads into the kitchen.
Bob: Hi, my name is Bob and I'll be serving you.
Customer1: Aren't you the Guardian?
Bob: Yup.
Customer: Loved you in that last Game.
Bob: Thanks!
Customer1: Doesn't being a Guardian pay well?
Bob: I'm just doing this to help out a friend. I'm not getting paid.
Customer1: Knowing Ms. Matrix, I'm not surprised. Anyway, I'll have a micro-burger, a side of chips, and an energy shake.
Bob: Anything else?
Customer1: Nope. That's all.
Bob: Okay, I'll have your order in a microsecond.
To another customer.
Bob: Hello, I'm Bob and I'll be your server.
Customer2: Hey, you're the Guardian! You know, you do great Games.
Bob: Thank you. So, what'll it be?
Customer2: Um...... lemme see..... is the salad low-bit?
Bob: Um.... I don't know. It's just salad.
Customer2: Hmmm.... well then. I think I'll have a salad with low-bit dressing.
Bob: Okay, I'll bring your order over in a nano.
Bob: Hey Mouse, one micro-burger, a side of chips and an energy shake.
Mouse: Got it, Sugah.
Mouse hands Bob a tray of food which looks delicious.
Bob: Wow! I didn't know you were such a good cook, Mouse.
Mouse: Thanks, Sugah. Just save some fer the payin' customers.
Bob glares at her and heads back out to serve the customers. Mouse goes back to flipping burgers and frying chips.
Mouse: (singing) Put on th' skillet, put on th' lid. Mammy's gonna make us some burgers an' chips. That ain't all she's gonna do, Mammy's gonna make a quantum shake too. Mammy's little Binome loves bur-gers, bur-gers. Mammy's little Binome loves burgers an' chips....
She keeps singing replacing "burgers" with various food items. She starts mixing a shake but when she tries to turn the machine off, it goes even faster.
Mouse: Hey! Knock it off! Whutsa matter with ya? Basic mixer!
The shake begins to overflow onto the counter. Mouse pulls the plug as the shake begins to fly in all directions.
Bob enters.
Bob: Hey Mou- (He gets hit in the face with a glob of shake. He wipes the mess off his face with his apron.) What are you doing???
Mouse: Wasn't my fault. This random piece a' machinery went on the blitz. Couldn't turn it off.
Bob: Try and get it fixed soon. Three more orders for quantum shakes.
Mouse: Ah'll try, but it may take awhile. An' Ah'm outta clean shake cups.
Bob: I'll go see what's going on.
Bob exits.
Bob: Hey you two, what's taking- AndrAIa, *why* are you in the SINK?????
AndrAIa: Because it is wet.
Bob: 'Because it is wet'.... Okaaaay- Isn't that unsanitary?
AndrAIa: No, I am clean. Besides, I like the water and all the bubbles are fun.
Enzo: Yeah, see?
Enzo grabs the overhead hose and begins spraying it into the sink. The bubbles rise higher and higher until he and AndrAIa are barely visible and the bubbles begin to spill out all over the floor.
Bob: Whoa! Hey! Stop it! Look at this mess!
Enzo: (he has a soap bubble beard) Sorry.
AndrAIa: (she has a soap bubble beehive) We just wanted to show you.
Bob: It's okay, just make sure you clean this up before Dot sees it or she'll blow a circuit. Mouse needs some more shake mixing cups.
Enzo: (climbs part way up the rack to retrieve a stack of metal shake mixing cups) Here you go.
Bob: Thanks.
Bob exits.
Dot: Okay Sir, here's your change...eight, nine, ten Units. Thank you for eating at Dot's! (her perkiness vanishes momentarily and she pauses to rub her face) Ugh. All this smiling makes my face hurt. (she quickly becomes happy again as another customer comes up) Okay, that's one micro-burger, small chips, and a medium shake. That'll be five Units please. Thank you. Six, seven, eight is your change, have a nice second!
Bob enters.
Bob: How's it coming?
Dot: Is it 17:00 yet?
Bob: Only 15:20.
Dot groans.
Dot: I don't usually man the cash register for this long.
Bob: Don't you mean "woman"? You're not a guy.
Dot: No, it's grammatically correct.
Bob: But isn't that politically incorrect?
Dot: Yeah, but who cares about that?
Bob: True.
Dot: How are you doing?
Bob: Trying to keep 17 orders straight at once isn't easy.
Dot: Don't you mean "seventeen"?
Bob: It's the same thing.
Dot: Oh yeah. How are Enzo and AndrAIa doing?
Bob: They're... uh... really getting into it.
Dot: Good. Just so long as they keep up.
Mouse: (singing) Ah work hard for my money- so haaaard for my money- Wait a nano, Ah'm not gettin' paid for this!
Bob enters.
Bob: Hey, Mouse-
Mouse: Ah hear ya! Ah'm goin' as fast as Ah can! Gimme a break!
Bob: Relax, relax! I just stuck my head in to tell you that it's finally slowing down.
Mouse: Thank the User!
Bob: However...
.
Mouse: Oh no... Ah don't want ta hear it!
Bob: The dinner crowd's coming in another two milliseconds.
Mouse groans.
Bob: Just think of it as a battle.
Mouse: This IS a battle! Against me an' this blasted machinery!
Bob: Who's winning?
Mouse: Th' machinery.
Bob: Hang in there.
Mouse: Do me a favor and go see whut the young'uns are doin'. Ah'm runnin outta china again.
Bob: There's still a lot of people I need to take care of. I'll tell Dot.
Mouse: Fahn.
Bob exits.
After a brief period of time passes, Dot enters.
Dot: Problem Mou- Whoa! What happened in here! This place is a mess!
Mouse: Ah checked the chore list an' clean-up ain't scheduled till later. You ain't cookin so don't criticize. If'n ya cain't stand the mess, get outta the kitchen.
Dot: Isn't that "if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen"?
Mouse glares at her.
Dot: Sorry. Anyway, what did you need?
Mouse: Ah'm runnin' low on dishes. What's keepin' them 2?
Dot: Don't you mean "two".
Mouse: That 'ticular joke's gettin' reeeeeeeal old.
Dot: Sorry. I'll go see what Enzo and AndrAIa are doing before the next crowd comes.
Dot exits.
Dot: AndrAIa!!!!! *What* are you doing in the SINK?!?!?!?!?!?!
AndrAIa: We are washing dishes like you said.
Dot: Get out of the sink at once!!!!!
AndrAIa: (whines) Awwwww. Do I have to? The water and all the bubbles make it more fun.
Dot: GET OUT OF THERE NOW!!!!!!
AndrAIa: (sulky) Oh okay.
AndrAIa climbs out of the sink.
Dot: What happened in here???
Enzo: We were showing Bob how much fun the bubbles are. See?
Enzo turns the overhead hose on and points it in the sink. The bubbles rise to a preposterous height and spill out all over the floor in an even bigger mess.
Dot: Enzo! STOP IT!!! You're getting bubbles everywhere!!!!!
Enzo pulls on the lever but nothing happens.
Enzo: It's stuck! What do I do???
Dot: Turn the water off!!!!
AndrAIa: I can do that!
AndrAIa ducks under the sink and out of sight. The hose starts pouring out water even faster.
AndrAIa comes up holding the pipe tap in her hand.
AndrAIa: Ooops.
The bubbles grow bigger and bigger until the whole floor is covered. The suds rise to Dot's knees.
Dot: How're we going to stop this?!?!?!
Enzo: RUN!!!!
AndrAIa: No! SWIM!!!!
AndrAIa gleefully dives into the rising suds and paddles away. Enzo shrugs and follows suit.
Dot: Wait for me!
Dot tries to wade after them but slips and falls into the suds. She swims after the kids.
Mouse: Dot? That- Whut the blazes?!?!?!
Dot, Enzo, and AndrAIa swish by.
Enzo: The soap has a mind of it's own!
AndrAIa: Swim for it!
Mouse: NO! I just got this place cleaned up!!!
Dot: Now it'll be even cleaner.
Mouse shrieks as she is overtaken by the suds.
Mouse: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!- Glug...!
They all spill out to the dining area where Bob is taking orders.
Customer3: I'll have a an alpha-bit soup and- Ack! Soap title wave!!!!!!!!
Bob: (Writing) That's one alpha-bit soup..... and a...... SOAP TITLE WAVE??????
Bob turns around just in time to be swept away by the soap.
Bob: Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!- Glug...
Customer1: Ahhhhh!!!!!!- Glug...!
Customer2: Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!- Glug....!
Customer3: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!- Glug.....!
The soap pours everybody out of the Diner and onto the street. Everybody is in a tangle, soaking wet, and gasping for air (AndrAIa isn't gasping, though).
Bob: (pulls his soggy note pad off his head) (cough, gag, choke) Would some one (cough) care to tell me (choke, choke) what that was all about?
Mouse spits out a bar of soap.
Mouse: BLECH!!!! (spit, spit) Awright. (choke, choke, choke) Whut (cough, cough) Einstein left (gag) the water on?
They all glare at Enzo and AndrAIa.
AndrAIa: You did not think that was fun?
The glares intensify.
AndrAIa: No, huh?
Further glares.
AndrAIa: I think I will shut-up now.....
Enzo: (gag) Um... (cough, cough, cough) I'm sorry???
Dot: (spits out a quantity of water) YICK!!!! (spit, spit) You two are in sooooo much (gag) trouble.... (choke, gag) You're lucky the water's still running (cough) or I'd ground you both here and now!
Mouse: (cough) How'n the WEB we gonna (choke) shut this thing off?
Bob: (gag) Here's a random thought. (cough, choke) Pull the plug.
Dot: (smacks forehead) Oh DUH!!! (cough)
Mouse: (choke) Copy that! Double Duh! (gag) Who's gonna pull the plug? (cough) the water's still runnin'.
AndrAIa: I will do it!
She dives back into the diner. After a microsecond or two, the water recedes and AndrAIa comes back out.
AndrAIa: (dangling the plug from one finger) I did it!
Enzo: (cough) All right AndrAIa!!! (gag, gag)
Dot: Good job, AndrAIa! (choke) Now you two can help clean up this mess.
Enzo: Saw that one coming. (cough)
AndrAIa: Yup. A centimeter away.
Bob: Look at it this way. The Diner'll be cleaner than its ever been.
Everybody splashes him in the face.
THE END
Curtain call
Bob, Dot, and Mouse take a bow, then Enzo, AnrdAIa, and Frisket, then Cecil and the three Customers.
Enzo and AndrAIa resume their wild game of ball while Frisket chases Bob around, trying to bite him. Mouse whispers something in Dot's ear and both laugh hysterically, then Dot whispers something to Mouse and they laugh even harder. They keep whispering and laughing back and forth. Cecil serves the three Customers a rubber chicken.