MIKE THE TV: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, binomes and subroutines to another gripping episode of "The Young and the Rendered"! We left off last week with Dot just about to tell Bob her deepest secret and Hexadecimal was on the verge of dying! Whaaaaaaaaaaat will happen today? Stay tuned to find out on "The Young and the Rendered"!
<Fade into Bob's apartment>
DOT: Bob... there's something I've been meaning to tell you..
BOB: Yes?
DOT: Well, I.. I mean, I..
BOB: What is it, Dot?
DOT: I..
<MOUSE flings the door open and walks in>
MOUSE: Hey Bob!
DOT: *glares at MOUSE*
MOUSE: *smirks* Oh, Dot, honey, didn't see ya.
DOT: Figures.
<Mouse walks over to Bob and wraps her arms around his neck.>
MOUSE: *whispers* So, honey, should we continue where we left off yesterday?
BOB: *looks at Dot helplessly* Um..
DOT: Never mind. I'll see myself out, Bob.
*SLAM*
<Pan to other side of door, DOT leaning against it, tears running down her face as she slowly sinks into a sitting position.>
DOT: Bob..
<MOUSE suddenly opens door and Dot falls into the room.>
MOUSE: Since when do you CRY over Bob?
DOT: This is a soap opera! It's a rule someone has to cry at least five times an episode! And this is only the first time!
BOB: Does the BSnP like crying? I don't think it's allowed.
MOUSE: This ain't ABC, sugah. This is YTV.
DOT: Since when are SOAP OPERAS on YTV? It's a kids channel!
MOUSE: Seems they needed something to fill the timeslot between "PJ Katie's Farm" and "Sailor Moon"
DOT: Now, that's something to cry about! Oh, and we still have four more incidents where crying needs to occur.
BOB: Well, in that case...
<BOB, DOT and MOUSE promptly all burst into tears>
***
<Fade into the Tor. HEXADECIMAL is lying on the ground, MEGABYTE standing over her.>
MEGABYTE: And now we cast our dead-
HEX: *sits up* I'm not dead yet!
MEGABYTE: *mutters* Such a pity.
HEX: *changes to mask of agony* But...I think my time is...near...
MEGABYTE: And now we cast our dead-
HEX: *mask of annoyance* Do you mind?!
MEGABYTE: So, get on with it already. These death scenes last long enough as it is. This one has been going on for a cycle's worth of episodes. Just die!
<Scene interrupted by 2 VIRAL BINOMES>
VIRAL BINOME #1: Excuse me sir..
MEGABYTE: What is it? We are rather BUSY, and I specifically told you NOT to disturb me!
VIRAL BINOME #2: The BSnP doesn't like dying, sir..
MEGABYTE: *roars* For the last time, this isn't ABC!
HEX: Can I die now?
MEGABYTE & BINOMES: NO!
HEX: *hisses* It is now my turn in the spotlight. *grabs VIRAL BINOME #1 and tosses him out the window* And no one will stop me.
MEGABYTE: Fine, die, whatever. *examines claws*
HEX: *mask of sorrow* Oh, my brief but meaningful complialtion run as the most dangerous virus in all the 'Net-
MEGABYTE: AHEM.
HEX: -is coming to a horribly tragic end. So sad. And now, Mr DeMille-
VIRAL BINOME #2: You know, Cecil B. DeMille only directed movies, not soap operas.
HEX: *strangles VIRAL BINOME #2*
MEGABYTE: I really must think of getting a slightly more intelligent calvary.
HEX: And now, Mr DeMille, I'm ready for my CLOSE UP!
<Extreme close up of Hex's face, so close, all you see is a mass of white pixels.>
MEGABYTE: I think that's a bit TOO close. What fools are operating the equipment anyway?
*Pan to behind the camera*
SAILOR MOON: *giggle*
MEGABYTE: You!
SAILOR MOON: I needed something to *giggle* do before my show comes on. I'm not very good at using this whatchmacallit yet, though..
MEGABYTE: That's a camera, you idiot!
SAILOR MOON: You...you called me and i..idiot! WAHHHHH!!!
MEGABYTE: *grabs camera* Nevermind.
HEX: CAN I FINISH MY SCENE YET?!
MEGABYTE: Yes, go on, Hexadecimal.
SAILOR MOON: Hey, you guys are EVIL! MOON PRISM POWER!
<Megabyte and Hex watch transformation>
SAILOR MOON: Hey! Nothing happened. Where's my sailor suit?!
MEGABYTE: As much as we'd like to see you in a sailor suit, GET BACK TO YOUR OWN SHOW!
SAILOR MOON: You...yelled at me! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *runs away sobbing*
HEX: Well, that's five now. And now back to the star of the show... ME!
MEGABYTE: That's all the time we have. You have to die now.
HEX: But I need microseconds for our viewers to get the full dramatic impact that my untimely death will have on Mainframe..
MEGABYTE: *stomps on HEXADECIMAL*
HEX: *CHOKE* *SQUASH* *DIE*
MEGABYTE: There, you're dead. I thought that was pretty dramatic.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK*
<Fade to ENZO and ANDRAIA in the Diner>
ENZO: And then when Dad died..
ANDRAIA: Enzo, didn't you ever have a mother?
ENZO: Mother?
ANDRAIA: You never mention her. What was she like?
ENZO: Well-
<Diner doors clang open, Phong staggers in.>
ANDRAIA: Phong! Are you drunk?
PHONG: Of...course not child...BSnP...wouldn't allow it...
ENZO: Is it just me, but haven't we already said that this ISN'T ABC?!
ANDRAIA: But, why not let people THINK this is ABC? You know ABC gets much higher ratings than YTV.
PHONG: Ignorance...is bliss..
ENZO: So, you're saying the more basic you are, the happier you are?!
PHONG: Don't...take my...advice literally..
ANDRAIA: No one ever does. But we will ponder that later. So, Phong, what is the matter? You never leave the Principal Office!
PHONG: Dying...not...much time left, my child...
ENZO: Another death?
ANDRAIA: This is a soap opera. We must keep our viewers in any way possible.
PHONG: *gasp*
ANDRAIA: Oh.. Phong...you must not die! We need you!
<Diner doors open. BOB, DOT and MOUSE walk in>
DOT: Phong!!
BOB: What's happening?!
MOUSE: Someone get me an Energy Shake.
DOT: Mouse, this is serious!
MOUSE: So's my thirst.
ENZO: Maybe you should drink a Sprite.
MOUSE: Good idea!
<MOUSE grabs a straw and sticks it in Bob's arm.>
BOB: Ow!
MOUSE: Mmm...Sprite..
PHONG: The...Sprite which... is made of Sprite... is not always the Sprite they seemed..
EVERYONE: WHAT?!
PHONG: As...I said...do not take it literally..
DOT: How else can we take it?! Not to mention, I think that's a copyright infringement..
MOUSE: *SLURP*
DOT: Stop that! That's disgusting!
PHONG: *cough*
DOT: Phong!
BOB: No! You can't die, old friend!
PHONG: I'm sorry... but my time here in Mainframe is over...
ANDRAIA: *sniffle*
PHONG: But, I... am leaving Mainframe to Dot..
DOT: I get Mainframe?! ALL OF IT?! YIPPEE!
<Everyone stares at Dot>
DOT: Um...I mean... Phong...it doesn't matter about Mainframe. You have to live! You are Mainframe's pillar of society! Mainframe will crumble without you.. and so will we...
*DOT dissolves into tears*
ENZO: *starts to cry as well* Phong..
PHONG: I am...sorry my children..that it had to end like this...
CECIL: ZEY'RE ALL YOUR CHILDERN?! Phong! I had no idea you were-
<DOT glares at Cecil>
ENZO: He didn't mean it literally.
ANDRAIA: *shudder* I hope not.
PHONG: Good..bye...Dot..Bob...Enzo..Andraia..Mouse...
DOT: NoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
<Dot sobs>
MOUSE: Well, I guess we've reached our crying quota for today, sugah.
<ENZO suddenly starts to twitch and hiss>
ANDRAIA: Enzo! What are you doing?!
ENZO: HISSSSSSS!
DOT: We'd better take him to see Phong.
<Mouse picks up the dead Phong and rattles him around>
MOUSE: Doesn't say much.
DOT: Mouse, you're a sadist.
BOB: Is that one of those people who- *eyes widen*
DOT: *GLARE*
BOB: Anyway, it looks as if Enzo has been possessed by the ghost of a dead being.
DOT: How do you know?!
BOB: I'm a GUARDIAN! I know EVERYTHING!
MOUSE: *smirk* That's not true, honey. Last time we were in-
*VIRAL BINOME #1 crashes through the Diner ceiling*
VIRAL BINOME: Was that going to be a sexual reference about Bob?
MOUSE: Why yes, yes it was. You know Bob and I are having-
VIRAL BINOME: You can't say that! This is YTV! A happy family kids channel.
DOT: Who's stupid idea was it to put a soap opera on YTV anyway?
BOB: ABCs.
DOT: Ahh. It all makes sense now.
ANDRAIA: I don't understand anything.
DOT: You're not supposed to.
MOUSE: Back to what I was saying. Bob and I-
VIRAL BINOME: Excuse me miss, but as of now, YOU are censored by YTV.
MOUSE: Heeeey! That's not fair, sugah! Now, I'm just an electronic blur! And my speech is be- *CENSORED*
DOT: Suits her.
MOUSE: *CENSORED*
Enzo: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSss
DOT: Enzo!
BOB: He's possessed by the ghost of the dead Hexadecimal.
ENZO: *scratchy falsetto* I'm going to Lost Angles!
ANDRAIA: Oh no!
BOB: He'll probably die.
MOUSE: *CENSORED*
DOT: Haven't enough people died yet? Something HAPPY should happen.
ANDRAIA: Viewers like sad, dramatic events. Like this.
<ANDRAIA stabs herself>
DOT & BOB: Andraia!!
ANDRAIA: No, it is fine. I have multiple lives.
BOB: But you're bleeding all over the floor.
CECIL: Table for one in the bleeding section?
ANDRAIA: Ooops. But, it was dramatic.
DOT: I still think something happy should happen. Like, a marriage perhaps? *looks at Bob*
BOB: You're right, we need something happy. Mouse, would you marry me?
<Fade out>
MIKE THE TV: So ends another thrilling episode of "The Young and the Rendered"! Will Enzo live? Will Bob marry Mouse? And what is the secret Dot never told? Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaay tuned and find out next cycle on the "The Young and the Rendered"!
Episode 2
MIKE THE TV: We left off last cycle with the tragic death of Hexadecimal, and Enzo becoming possessed with her ghost! Bob proposed to Mouse and Phooooooooooong died! And so the story unfolds, on "THE YOUNG AND THE RENDERED!"
<Fade into the Tor>
MEGABYTE: So...he...the Guardian asked you to marry him?
MOUSE: Yes..he did.
MEGABYTE: And what did you say?
MOUSE: *turns to face MEGABYTE* I...I...said yes.
MEGABYTE: *crushed* How COULD you?!
MOUSE: I'm sorry sugah, but, ya know Bob's a Guardian..
MEGABYTE: Yes, so? I'm a virus. You're a hacker. Ms. Matrix is annoying. We're all something.
MOUSE: ...but a 'lil ol' hacker like me will never get anywhere in the 'net. But with a powerful *Guardian* by my side, I can do anything, honey!
MEGABYTE: And you can't do that with me?
MOUSE: Not legally.
MEGABYTE: Hmmm. This is true. But, if you want power... you really should start a relationship with Ms. Matrix.
MOUSE: I thought of that already, sugah. *smirks* But, her and I are the fantasy of every male who watches this show. If WE get together, who's left to fantasize about?
MEGABYTE: *nonchalant* Why me, of course.
MOUSE: Who fantasizes about a big, hulking, evil, metal virus?
<MEGABYTE holds up a copy of Virus GQ, of which he is on the front cover>
MOUSE: Oh...now THAT'S scary, honey.
MEGABYTE: Now about this Guardian marriage thing...
MOUSE: You know I'm only marrying him for power and ratings. Audiences love weddings.
MEGABYTE: Well, as long as you're not marrying him for love.
MOUSE: Of course not! Who does that anymore? You marry people for money, power, looks.. preferably all three. Why do you think I'm not marrying you?
MEGABYTE: Good question. I have money, power... looks especially. Not to menti-
<MEGABYTE is interrupted by Mouse kissing him long and hard>
MOUSE: THAT'S why, sugah. Rule #2 for soap operas. You don't marry the person you love, you have an affair with them.
MEGABYTE: This could get rather disgusting.
MOUSE: *grins* I know.
<Fade into the Diner, where DOT is screaming into a Vid Window at BOB>
DOT: How COULD you? Marry that...hacker?!
BOB: Well, it's not like YOU ever wanted to marry me.
DOT: *silence*
BOB: You mean-
ENZO: Happy, happy, happy!
<Both turn to ENZO>
BOB: He's still possessed?
DOT: Yes, and it's quite annoying. He sits around the Diner laughing and trying to take off his face.
BOB: This is not good.
DOT: Well, of course! You know, Bob, you say the most redundant things sometimes.
BOB: Do I?
DOT: AUUGH! I've always wondered why YOU were the hero of this show.
BOB: Because I'm a guy. The 'net is run by chauvinists.
<Scene is interrupted by the arrival of the SPICE GIRLS>
SPICE GIRLS: GIRL power!
DOT: Who are you?
SPICE GIRLS: We're the Spice Girls! We advocate GIRL POWER!
BOB: Isn't hard to be advocate anything with such a small amount of clothes on? I mean, doesn't everyone ignore what you're saying and stare at your-
DOT: *whacks BOB through the Vid Window*
SPICE GIRLS: Girl POWER!
DOT: Do you say anything else?
<SPICE GIRLS burst into song, dancing around the diner>
DOT: And THAT's any better?
ENZO: Oh my. What a pity.
BOB: It really disturbs me to see Enzo like this.
DOT: This whole scene is disturbing.
BOB: And, it gets worse.
<ANDRAIA enters Diner, with file-patches on from stabbing herself>
ANDRAIA: They gave me these README files on suicide and depression, which I do not understand. I simply wanted to stab myself, not die. *stabs herself again for emphasis*
BOB: I think Andraia has a problem.
DOT: Yeah, so do I. There's blood all over the floor again.
BOB: No, I mean a stabbing addiction problem.
ANDRAIA: *stab* *stab* *stab*
DOT: I see what you mean.
SPICE GIRLS: Stab POWER!
ANDRAIA: Finally, people who understand me!
<ANDRAIA begins to dance around the Diner with the SPICE GIRLS>
DOT: Stab power?
SPICE GIRLS: We'll say anything if you buy our merchandise!
BOB: Andraia is... bleeding and dancing.
DOT: This is just sad. *looks at organizer* But, the ratings are way up! Apparently the viewing audience likes cute, bleeding, dancing, stab-addicted children.
BOB: Who exactly IS our viewing audience?
DOT: 3 year olds.
ENZO: Skuzzy? Skuzzy? Where are you?
BOB: Maybe you should let him go to Lost Angles.. He's trying to pull his face off again, and I don't think the audience likes bleeding, possessed, faceless children.
DOT: Are you kidding? Lost Angles is DANGEROUS!
ENZO: Did someone say Lost Angles? I miss my lair. Take me home, Guardian.
BOB: Sorry kid, er... Hex, I would but, Mouse just got back. I don't know where she disappears to.. Anyway, we gotta go and pick out china patters.
DOT: When did Mouse become uncensored?
BOB: She hacked into YTV's database and removed the censor herself.
DOT: I don't YTV will like that.
BOB: They won't find out. They're busy trying to get the nudity out of Sailor Moon.
<Sailor Moon suddenly streaks through the Diner, naked>
DOT: I think they missed some..
BOB: I really wish that show didn't come on right after this one.
<MOUSE suddenly appears in the Vid Window>
MOUSE: Bob, honey, are you still talking to your 'lil friend? We have BUSINESS to attend to.
BOB: What business?
MOUSE: Well, for starters, I'm thirsty. *sticks a straw in Bob's head*
BOB: Ow! Can't you drink Energy Shakes like normal people?
MOUSE: *SLURP* Nahhh, I prefer Sprite.
<Vid Window snaps shut>
DOT: Bob..
<Dot bursts into tears>
ENZO: That's one for the crying quota. And don't worry, Ms. Matrix. I feel the same way when my victims die.
SPICE GIRLS: Girl POWER!
ANDRAIA: *stab* *stab*
<Dot looks around and continues to cry>
*COMMERCIAL BREAK*
<Fade into Bob's apartment>
MOUSE: Bob honey, would you come here and take a 'lil look at these china patterns?
BOB: Just a nano.. one more bow.. some more lace..
MOUSE: I don't know why ya insist on making my wedding dress YOURSELF.
BOB: I'm a Guardian. Mend and defend, remember? I think I make a wedding dress.
<BOB holds up dress>
MOUSE: Or not. Bob honey, there's something I wanted to discuss with you. *puts plates down*
BOB: Oh? What was it?
MOUSE: Names.
BOB: Names of what?
MOUSE: Not what, who. Our names. Should I take yours, or you mine? By the way, what IS your last name, sugah?
BOB: It's Bob.
MOUSE: *incredulous* You're name is Bob Bob?
BOB: Actually, my middle name is Bob too. My full name is Bob Bob Bob.
MOUSE: There is no way I'm gonna be Mouse Bob.
BOB: Okay, I'll take yours.. what is it?
MOUSE: You've known me all this time and you don't know my last name? Well, I don't have one. I'm just Mouse.
BOB: Wow, so if I take your name, I'll just be Bob. I think that makes a statement.
MOUSE: Yeah, a statement that says "Look! I have no last name!"
MIKE: *jumps on table* Oooooooooooor, you could marry ME! And for only $99.99.99, you could be MOUSE THE TV!
BOB: I think we need to find a new place to live.
MOUSE: Yeah, one with a really big BEDROOM.
<VIRAL BINOME, who just happened to be washing the window of Bob's apartment, knocks on glass>
MOUSE: *opens it* Yes?
VIRAL BINOME: Was that a sexual connotation associated with the word "bedroom"?
MOUSE: *slams window closed, sending binome to his death* Basic censor binomes.
BOB: I don't think they realize we're not on ABC anymore. This is Canada, land of the free, and home of the brave.
MOUSE: Eh? Maybe you're on YTV in wireframe, but still on ABC in processor..
<VIRAL BINOME #3 knocks on door>
VIRAL BINOME: *knock*
BOB: Who is it?
VIRAL BINOME: Errm.. *falsetto* Avon Lady calling!
BOB: Oh, come in then!
MOUSE: You buy from the Avon Lady?!
BOB: Always! Hey! You're not the Avon Lady!
VIRAL BINOME: No, but the BSnP doesn't like you giving out false history information in this timeslot. That anthem excerpt was from the American national anthem, and you used it in the context of referring to Canada.
MOUSE: *slices VIRAL BINOME in half with her katana* Go AWAY! This is YTV! Not ABC! And NOT history class.
BOB: Binomes never learn.
MOUSE: That reminds me, look at these china patterns.
BOB: How did THAT remind you?
MOUSE: Do you really want to learn how my mind works?
<MOUSE heaps china plates into BOB's arms>
MOUSE: Now, pick the one you like, then throw the rest away.
BOB: What a waste of... china plates.
MOUSE: You seem to forget this a soap opera, honey. Everyone's rich and can afford to be frivolous.
<BOB begins to throw furniture out the window>
MOUSE: Not THAT frivolous. Well... maybe. *throws wedding dress out the window*
BOB: Hey! I worked hard on that!
MOUSE: *innocent* Ooops. It slipped out of my hand.
<Scream from below. BOB and MOUSE look out window>
BOB: Dot?
DOT: *looks up* HEY! Why are you throwing ugly wedding dresses at me?
BOB: Ugly?!
MOUSE: Sugah, whatcha you doing down there?
DOT: Not that it's any of your business, but I'm taking Enzo to Lost Angles.
ENZO: Oooh, this shall be fun! Happy, happy, HAPPY!
<Dot drags Enzo across the street, glaring at Mouse>
BOB: DOT! ENZO! NOO!
<Everyone watches as a large limo smashes into Dot and Enzo>
BOB: Dot! *jumps out window*
MOUSE: Oh, THAT's a good idea.
<BOB crashes into pavement>
MOUSE: Then, again, maybe it is.
<MOUSE jumps down, using BOB's flattened body to land on>
MOUSE: Megabyte! You did it, sugah!
MEGABYTE: *gets out and looks around* Well, well, what do we have here? 3 dead sprites, and one satisfied virus.
MOUSE: That's one serious case of jeopardy.
<Fade out on MOUSE and MEGABYTE laughing>
MIKE THE TV: And so ends another episode of "The Young and the Rendered"! Will our heroes live or die? Willllllllllll Enzo ever return to normal? Will Andraia recover from her stabbing addiction? Say tuned next cycle on "The Young and the Rendered" to find out!