ADVENTURES IN PUPPYSITTING
by KrazyLeggs (2003)
Idea and title suggested by JPJr.
CAST:
----------------------------
Carface
Hedge (Created by Ashira. Used with permission.)
Killer
Ruby (Created by Daisy. Used with permission.)
Shane (Created by JPJr. Used with permission.)
Shane & Ruby’s 7 Puppies (Created by JPJr & Daisy. Used with permission.)
----------------------------
“Ugh...” Ruby sighed, looking weary as she stumbled out of the room where Shane’s and her pups had finally fallen asleep, “I thought they’d never settle down.”
Shane regarded his wife with concern as she practically collapsed on the carpet, exhausted. He crossed the room to sit beside her.
“Ruby, you need to take a break,” he suggested, “What say you and I go somewhere for the day? Get away from this town and the pups?”
“But Shane,” Ruby argued, “We can’t just leave them. Someone has to look after them while we’re away and it has to be someone trustworthy.”
“I’ll see if Sasha can watch them,” Shane said simply, “She won’t mind. She loves puppies.”
“No, Sasha’s going to be very busy this week,” Ruby reminded him, “Remember? She’s preparing a big birthday bash for Charlie.”
“I’ll find somebody to watch them,” Shane assured her, “You get some sleep and let me worry about it.”
Reassured and too tired to argue, Ruby smiled and rose to go to bed. Shane stepped out and headed for the Fleabite Café to find a trustworthy puppysitter.
----------------------------
The following day, everything had been arranged and Shane and Ruby were preparing to leave, packing necessities and then some.
“This is going to be refreshing to get some time to ourselves,” Ruby said to Shane as she made sure everything was in order, “Having someone else care for the puppies for a while might be good for them as well.”
“They’ll appreciate us more when we come back, I’ll bet,” Shane smiled.
“By the way,” Ruby turned, furrowing her brow in curiosity, “Who’d you hire to watch them, Shane?”
“Killer,” Shane answered.
“WHAT?!” Ruby practically exploded, “Killer? As in...the idiot that works for Carface? That Killer?”
“Uh...yeah,” Shane replied, getting nervous, “Why? Is there a problem?”
“’Is there a problem?’!” Ruby snarled, “What kind of question is that?! You go find him and tell him to forget it!”
“Ruby--”
“I mean it! I’m not trusting that bumbling blockhead with my pups!”
Shane sighed in defeat and started for the door, but when he opened it to leave, he came face to face with Killer.
“Punctual puppysitter reporting for duty,” Killer announced, saluting Shane, who glanced over his shoulder at a glowering Ruby and chuckled nervously.
“Tell him to take a long walk on a short leash!” Ruby hissed.
Shane was caught between a rock and a hard place. He didn’t want to hurt Killer by turning him away, but if he didn’t...well...
“One second, Killer,” Shane said quickly, retreating and slamming the door in the bespectacled dog’s face and turning to Ruby, “He was the only one who said he had time on his paws,” he explained in a hushed tone, “Everybody else was busy helping Sasha prepare for that party. Killer wouldn’t help with a party for Charlie if you paid him!”
“Then we just won’t go,” Ruby snorted.
“But I already made reservations!” Shane stifled shouting, “Just give him a chance, Ruby. I’m sure he can be trusted.”
“Yeah, I trust him and his lame brain like I trust a dog catcher,” Ruby huffed.
“Come on, Ruby,” Shane pleaded, “Please? We’ll call the shots--tell him the rules and, if he blows it--”
“I’ll blow him away,” Ruby snarled.
“Right,” Shane smiled a bit, calming down, “So what do you say?”
“I say you’re crazy and I’m even crazier to listen to you,” Ruby muttered, “All right. He’s got the job, but if he messes up, he gets a one-way ticket to the vet’s office from me personally.”
“Now you’re talking,” Shane chuckled, returning to the door to let Killer in. He found him still waiting patiently on the stoop, “Come on in and meet the kids.”
Killer followed Shane inside and offered a grin accompanied by a tail wag in greeting to Ruby, who only sneered and deflated his enthusiasm.
“Kids!” Shane called, “Your puppysitter is here!”
Killer’s eyes widened in terror as seven rambunctious, barking puppies came tearing down the staircase to throw themselves on their father.
“Okay, settle down,” Shane chuckled, “This is Mr. Killer. He’s going to be looking after you for the day.”
The pups turned their attention to Killer, who couldn’t help but scream as they suddenly charged at him playfully, bowling him over. Ruby smirked, thoroughly enjoying the moment as her pups mercilessly started pulling on Killer’s ears and tail. They were only playing, she knew, but she was also well aware of just how much pain puppy teeth could inflict.
“Hey!” Shane barked, “That’s enough. Knock it off. I want you all to go back upstairs and play while we explain things to Mr. Killer.”
The pups obediently thundered up the stairs, but one stayed behind--a tricolor female pup named Jaycie. She hid behind the banister, eavesdropping with a mischievous gleam in her eye.
“Okay,” Shane sighed, turning to Killer, “Let me explain the dos and don’ts of puppysitting our kids. Do make sure they clean up when they’re done playing; do not let them go outside unsupervised; do be sure to give them all baths before bedtime; do not let them stay up past eight o’clock; do not let them watch a lot of cartoon violence as it gives them ideas; do read them a story before bedtime; do not let them eat in any other room but the kitchen; do not let them play with the ice maker on the refrigerator; do not let them drink from the toilet; do not let them unroll toilet paper all over the house; do remember to turn on the night light when you put them to bed...”
Killer had pulled out a piece of scrap paper and a pen from under his collar and was jotting all these rules down and he was fast running out of paper to write on.
“...Do not let them eat crayons; do not let them play with the telephone; do keep them inside if it rains and, most importantly, do be sure to meet their individual needs. Any questions?”
“Just one,” Killer grimaced, “What happens if I forget something?”
Ruby took great pleasure in answering Killer’s question in detail. She sashayed up, grabbed him by his collar and his tail, and put him headfirst through a wall.
“Does that answer your question?” Ruby asked, coming into the other room where Killer’s head had come through.
“Clearly,” Killer groaned.
“I don’t think that was necessary,” Shane muttered to Ruby.
“I do,” Ruby snorted.
“Do it again, Mommy! Do it again!” a voice giggled from behind the banister.
“Jaycie,” Shane said sternly, “Get upstairs with your brothers and sisters this instant. It’s rude to listen in when grown-ups are talking, you know that.”
“Sorry, Daddy,” Jaycie pouted, slinking up the stairs quickly.
“Well, now that that’s settled,” Shane said, returning to where Killer stood, having pulled himself out of the wall, “You think you can handle it?”
“You can count on me,” Killer saluted, glancing warily at Ruby, “I won’t let you down. Your pups are in good paws.”
“They’d better be,” Ruby warned, “Or you’re as good as six feet under when we come back.”
----------------------------
“You guys should’ve seen it! Mom threw him through the dining room wall!”
Jaycie was having great fun telling her siblings about what she witnessed downstairs and they all seemed incredibly interested.
“Then what happened?” Lucky asked.
“Then Daddy told me to go upstairs,” Jaycie pouted.
“Aw man!” all the pups groaned in unison.
“They always tell us to get lost when something good is about to happen,” SJ grumbled.
“Kids!” Shane’s voice carried up from downstairs and the pups hurried to respond to his call. In no time, they had slid to a stop at his and Ruby’s paws.
“I love you, my babies,” Ruby smiled, hugging each pup in turn, “We’ll be back soon.”
“And you behave yourselves and listen to Mr. Killer,” Shane reminded them.
“We will, Dad,” they replied as one.
Killer had a sneaking suspicion he’d bitten off more than he could chew.
----------------------------
After Shane and Ruby left, Killer’s suspicions proved to be for a good reason. The puppies seemed to do everything on the “don’t” list and not do anything on the “do” list. It wasn’t long before Killer’s job seemed more like cattle wrangling than puppysitting. The first event happened when Scarlet, a red female pup, decided to give herself a makeover.
“That’s not specifically on the ’don’t’ list, but I’m sure what you’re doing is against the rules,” Killer said, snatching Scarlet off Ruby’s vanity. The puppy had lipstick and eye shadow all over herself and other things as well. It was inevitable when Killer ended up with red lipstick stains all over his own fur from picking her up.
He left Scarlet in the living room watching television with SJ, Amanda, and Daisy and went to find the other pups. He found Lucky in the bathroom...drinking from the toilet.
“Oh no! No, no, no, no, no!” Killer cried, pulling the pup out of the toilet. Lucky unceremoniously burped in his face, “Ugh...talk about having toilet breath. You brush your teeth right now, little mister.”
Lucky peevishly did as he was told...until Killer turned his back to check on the rest of the gang.
A strange rattling, clattering noise attracted Killer’s attention and he realized it was coming from the kitchen. Upon entering, he discovered Jaycie on a chair she had pushed over by the refrigerator...playing with the ice maker.
“That is definitely on the ’don’t’ list!” Killer yelped, racing to get the pup away from the appliance. As he ran across the linoleum tile floor, he unintentionally redefined “ice-skating”. He slipped on a pile of ice cubes and went flying across the kitchen non-stop...until he hit the cupboards on the other side of the room.
“Cool!” SJ, Amanda, Daisy, and Scarlet murmured as they watched from around the corner.
Killer staggered to his paws and marched over to Jaycie, picked her up, and started for the other pups. With Scarlet and Amanda under one arm and Jaycie and SJ under the other and Daisy in his mouth, he marched back into the living room. He dropped them on the carpet and raced back into the kitchen. The ice maker had not shut off. He went over to investigate and found a rubber bone lodged in it...and it was lodged really tight.
“This can’t possibly get any worse,” he groaned as he struggled to try and pull the bone out.
Just then, he heard someone giggling uncontrollably upstairs. Fearing the worst, he thundered up the stairs to find out what was going on. In a room supposed to be off-limits to the pups, Killer found Paul, a pure white pup, making prank phone calls...and whoever he was bothering was raging mad. The voice could be heard clear down the hall.
“Paul, that’s a big fat no-no,” Killer snapped, pulling the telephone receiver out of the pup’s paws and speaking to whoever was on the other end of the line, “I’m terribly sorry. That was just--”
“KILLER?!”
“Aaaah!” Killer turned pale at that voice, “Oh...h-hi Boss.”
“Killer, what in the name of jerky treats are you doing?!” Carface bellowed, “Some little pipsqueak was just yapping in my ear! Where are you?”
“I’m sorry, Boss,” Killer whimpered, “I can explain. See, Shane asked me too--Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! No! Not that!”
Carface was left shouting Killer’s name on the other end of the line as Killer left the phone dangling and raced down the hall to find Lucky had unraveled every roll of toilet paper in the bathroom.
“This is just not fair!” Killer cried, grabbing the toilet paper mummified pup and Paul and taking them downstairs, “There’s gotta be a way to keep you brats under control.”
----------------------------
About an hour later, Killer had solved his problem...or so he thought. He’d found a playpen in the basement and brought it up. He knew exactly what to do with it. One by one, the puppies were dropped into it.
“There,” Killer sighed, “That ought to hold you.”
Confident that the puppies would stay out of trouble in the playpen, he returned to the kitchen to try and fix the ice maker, which was still pumping tons of ice cubes all over the floor.
By the time he’d unplugged the refrigerator, dislodged the rubber bone, plugged the refrigerator back in, and mopped up the melted ice, he was beyond exhausted. He returned to the living room, hoping to find the pups playing quietly or, better yet, sleeping, but, to his horror, the playpen was empty.
----------------------------
Killer searched every inch of the house and no puppies turned up. Panicking, he resorted to searching outside. He found them in the backyard...playing under the sprinklers in what seemed like a truckload of mud. He guessed whose idea that had been when Daisy flung a pawful of mud directly at him, hitting him full in the face.
“Bulls-eye!” she roared with laughter, “I told you guys this was a good idea!”
Infuriated, but trying to control his temper, Killer stomped over and shut the sprinklers off, then herded the puppies back into the house. He was about to lecture them when the doorbell rang.
“Hold that thought,” he said quickly, dumping the pups back in the playpen.
“Party-pooper,” Paul grumbled.
Killer answered the door and found Carface glowering at him.
“What’s going on?” the pit bull demanded, puffing cigar smoke in Killer’s face.
“I can explain, Boss,” Killer stammered between coughs, “C-come on in. See, Shane hired me to puppysit for him and Ruby while they take a vacation and--”
“Wait. Did you say he hired you?” Carface asked.
“Uh-huh.”
“That means you’re getting paid?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Oh,” Carface grinned slyly. He knew Shane was a show dog and therefore had plenty of “dough” to throw away, “Killer, I was gonna lambaste you, but seeing as how you’re doing this for a good cause, I’ll go easy on you.”
“Aw, thanks, Boss,” Killer sighed with relief.
“Well, I’ll get going and let you get back to...puppysitting,” Carface chuckled darkly.
Killer forced a laugh and glanced back at the playpen. He did a double take when he realized it was empty...again.
“No! No, wait!” he cried hysterically, latching onto Carface’s leg as he was walking toward the door, “Don’t leave me here alone with these monsters, Boss! I need help! They’re dangerous! Look in there! They’ve already escaped and are planning a mutiny!”
“You need help all right,” Carface muttered gruffly after back-pedaling to look in the living room. All the pups were in the playpen, looking innocent as ever, “Let go of me!”
“No, Boss, you don’t understand!” Killer insisted, “These aren’t your average, everyday puppies! They’re bent on world domination, I tell you!”
“Killer, you need to see a vet,” Carface grumbled dryly, shaking Killer off his leg and slamming the door after storming out.
----------------------------
Naturally, when Killer recovered and returned to the living room, the puppies were gone and all over the house were trails upon trails of muddy paw prints.
“Just strike me dead here and now!” Killer shouted skyward.
Afraid to handle another mess alone, he decided he’d best call for reinforcements. Picking up the phone, he dialed the number of his Great Dane friend, Hedge.
“Hello?” Hedge answered on the first ring.
“Hedge, it’s Killer,” Killer spoke frantically, “I’m at Shane and Ruby’s place puppysitting.”
“Aw, that’s sweet of you, Killer,” a smile was evident in her voice.
“Wait. I seriously need help,” Killer rambled on, “These pups are out of control! They’re after my blood, Hedge, I just know it!”
“What are you talking about?”
“First, they try to repaint the interior of the house--and me--with eye shadow and lipstick,” Killer explained, “Then they tried to give me a disease by drinking potty water and breathing in my face, then they tried to kill me with ice cubes, then they assaulted me with mud! Now they’re running loose all over the house with muddy feet and I’m scared to death!”
Hedge knew it was no joke when she heard the genuine fear in Killer’s voice. As ridiculous as it seemed, she decided to offer him some advice.
“Once you find them, try playing some games with them or something,” she suggested, “Entertain them, y’know?”
“Is that what puppysitters are s’posed to do?”
“Don’t tell me you’re inexperienced in this field of work!”
“Uh-huh.”
“Oh Killer,” Hedge sighed, “What on earth have you gotten yourself into?”
“A mess?”
“I’ll say...”
----------------------------
Killer took Hedge’s advice and, after rounding up the puppies, he tried playing with them. That didn’t go over very well when the pups decided to play cowdogs and wolves, the canine equivalent to cowboys and Indians. They tied Killer to the support beam in the basement and danced around him, howling for nearly an hour. They didn’t hurt him, but being immobilized and serenaded by shrill puppy voices wasn’t his idea of playing nicely. The torment finally ended when Scarlet started whining that she was hungry.
“Okay, here’s the deal,” Killer said, seeing an opportunity, “You guys stop howling and untie me and I’ll get the grub.”
“Deal,” Amanda grinned, starting to untie Killer.
“Aw, you’re no fun, Amanda,” Jaycie whined.
“What do you mean?” Amanda demanded.
“You ruin all the fun, that’s what!”
“I do not! Scarlet was the one who got hungry, not me! Blame her.”
This was the beginning of an argument in which all seven puppies eventually joined, whether they had a gripe about something or not. Killer, still tied to the support beam, had the driest expression on his face as he rolled his eyes helplessly. Finally, he’d had enough.
“All right, shut up!” he shouted above the din, “That’s enough!”
The puppies snapped to attention and, forgetting about their argument, they remembered they were supposed to be releasing their captive puppysitter.
----------------------------
“Guess what time it is,” Killer announced after dinner, producing a scrub brush and a bar of soap, “Bath time!”
“You can’t tell us what to do,” Amanda scoffed, “You’re not our father. You’re just a puppysitter.”
“Wanna bet?”
That was enough to send the puppies scurrying for hiding places and that set the stage for a long, eventful game of Hide-N-Seek. The first one Killer discovered was Daisy, hiding behind the couch. Lucky was next, found behind the toilet, of all places. He found the next four under beds, tables, and behind curtains. Jaycie was the one he had the hardest time locating and when he finally did find her, Hide-N-Seek turned into a game of tag.
Eventually, Jaycie lost and Killer managed to get all seven pups into the bathtub, but that mutiny he’d spoke of was still very much in the air. A turn of events ended with Killer in the tub and the pups running loose through the house...again.
Worn out and exhausted, Killer dragged himself out of the tub and began trying to recover the pups for the hundredth time that day. The sound of the doorbell ringing caused him to sluggishly cross the room to answer the phone. The second ring went unheeded, but the third snapped him back to normal...sort of. When he finally answered the door, he found Hedge standing on the stoop.
“I thought you’d never answer the door,” she laughed a bit, then grimaced at Killer’s bedraggled appearance, “I came to check and see how you’re doing. Man, you look beat. Do you need some help?”
“Uh-huh,” Killer didn’t hesitate to accept the offer, “I’ve gotta give ‘em all a bath.”
“Looks like they gave you one,” Hedge giggled.
“You could say that,” Killer frowned, “So...will you help me?”
“Of course,” Hedge smiled.
----------------------------
With Hedge there to help, the job seemed a whole lot easier. The puppies were washed and dried and ready for bed in no time flat. Once they were settled watching television, Hedge figured it’d be safe to leave.
“I can never thank you enough,” Killer told her gratefully, “I owe you big time.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Hedge grinned, “That’s what friends are for.”
After Hedge departed, Killer cleaned up the pawprints and other messes, then returned to the living room to watch the puppies for the half hour remaining before they had to go to bed. They crowded around him when he suggested a story. Amanda pulled their favorite book off the shelf and Killer started reading to them, but, no more than half a page into the story, he ran into trouble.
“You aren’t reading it right,” Amanda told him, “Daddy changes his voice when different characters talk.”
Killer tried his best to change his voice, but Amanda still compared it and his style of reading to Shane’s.
“I miss Mommy and Daddy,” she sighed at last.
A chorus of “me too” came after that and Killer found himself in the midst of seven puppies on the verge of tears.
“Hey, hey, hey,” he spoke gently, “Your mom and dad will be back. But you all really need to get some sleep. The time will pass much faster if you do.”
Six out of seven puppies took his advice and curled up all around him as he sat on the floor with his back resting against the sofa. Amanda was the one who remained awake, staring out the window longingly. A few hours later, she decided perhaps the “puppysitter” was right and, yawning, she padded over and settled down with the others.
“You’re not such a bad guy,” she whispered, nuzzling the old dog before drifting off to sleep, unknowingly grateful for his presence.
----------------------------
Shane and Ruby returned that evening and found Killer and the puppies on the floor, sound asleep. Ruby smiled in spite of herself, wishing she could get a picture of the unbelievable scene.
“See?’ Shane whispered, “I told you we could trust him with the kids. It looks like they had a good time. I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to watch them again.”
If only Killer had been awake to hear that.
THE END