HOW CARFACE STOLE CHRISTMAS
Dr. Suess’s Grinch story retold by “KrazyLeggs” (2002)
Every pooch
Down in Pooch-ville
Liked Christmas a lot...
But Carface the pit bull,
Who lived just North of Pooch-ville,
Did NOT!
Carface hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his suit was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his suit,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating every pooch,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, pit bull frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every pooch down in Pooch-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his pit bull paws nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the pooch girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the pooches, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on pooch-pudding, and rare pooch-roast-beast
Which was something Carface couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every pooch down in Pooch-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand paw-in-paw. And the pooches would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more Carface thought of the Pooch-Christmas-Sing
The more Carface thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for fifty-three dog years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
CARFACE
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" Carface laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Paws hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great pit bull trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..."
Carface looked around.
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old pit bull...?
No! Carface simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his stooge Killer. Then he took some black thread
And he tied a big horn on top of his head.
THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh
And he hitched a harness on old Killer‘s back.
Then Carface barked, "Giddyap!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the pooches
Lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the pooches were dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Carface Paws hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight squeeze.
But if Santa could do it, Carface could with ease.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little pooch stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Carface, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
You're a mean one, Carface.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Carface.
You're a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.
You're a monster, Carface.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You've got garlic in your soul.
Mr. Carface.
I wouldn't touch you, with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.
You're a vile one, Carface.
You have termites in your smile.
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a seasick crocodile.
Mr. Carface.
Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the seasick crocodile.
You're a foul one, Carface.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Carface.
The three words that best describe you,
are as follows, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."
You're a rotter, Carface.
You're the king of sinful sots.
Your heart's a dead tomato splot
With moldy purple spots,
Mr. Carface
Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing
with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable
rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.
You nauseate me, Carface.
With a nauseous super-naus.
You're a crooked jerky jockey
And you drive a crooked horse.
Mr. Carface.
You're a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool
sandwich
With arsenic sauce.
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the pooches’ feast!
He took the pooch-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that pit bull even took their last can of pooch-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned Carface, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And Carface grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small girl awakened from her rest
Little Anne-Marie, who loved animals...but loved pooches the best.
The pit bull had been caught by this little orphaned daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at Carface and said, "Santy Paws, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old pit bull was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Paws lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent he to bed.
And when Anne-Marie went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
And the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then
He did the same thing
To the other pooches' houses
Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other pooches' mouses!
It was quarter past dawn...
All the pooches, still a-bed
All the pooches, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpet,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the pooches!" he was pit bullishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the pooches down in Pooch-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned Carface,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And Carface put a paw to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Pooch-ville!
Carface popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every pooch down in Pooch-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And Carface, with his pit bull paws ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Carface thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Pooch-ville they say
That Carface’s small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And then the true meaning of Christmas came through
And Carface found the strength of ten pit bulls plus two
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
Carface carved the roast beast!