THE MAGICAL MIX-UP
by KrazyLeggs (2003)
CAST:
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Carface
Charlie
Itchy
Killer
Ruby (used with permission)
Sasha
Shane (used with permission)
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“Sis? Yo! Sis?” Shane called excitedly as he entered the Fleabite Café one afternoon, “Sis, are you here?”
“What’s up, Shane?” Charlie asked from his place, lounging on an old, broken-down car.
“Charlie, have you seen Sasha anywhere?” Shane inquired hopefully.
“Not since this morning,” Charlie shrugged, “She went out to restock supplies...plates and stuff.”
“Ah, replacing all those ones you broke?” Shane snickered teasingly.
“Har-har,” Charlie snorted, “Anyway, she should be back in a little while.”
“Great,” Shane grinned, “I’ll just wait around here for her.”
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Sasha returned about thirty minutes later and Shane immediately bombarded her with excited jabbering.
“Shane, slow down,” Sasha laughed, “What’s this all about?”
“Sasha, I just got the coolest entertainment idea for this place!” Shane bubbled, “Whadda ya think about having a magic show, huh? With a real magician!”
“It’s...umm...it’s a nice idea, Shane,” Sasha replied hesitantly, “But where are we gonna get a magician?”
“You’re lookin’ at one,” Shane grinned broadly.
“You?” Sasha asked, quirking a brow, “You know how to do magic?”
“Yeah! Well...sorta,” Shane muttered, “But how hard can it be?”
“Where’d you get your training, little brother?”
“TV,” Shane answered quickly, “I was watching this show last night that reveals magician’s secrets. All it is is a bunch of optical illusions and special-made stuff. I already picked up a bunch of supplies.”
“I dunno, Shane...”
“Aw, c’mon, Sasha,” Shane begged, “Please?”
“Oh, alright,” Sasha sighed, “If you really wanna do it, go for it. I just hope you did your homework on all this stuff.”
Shane watched Sasha go, an excited, beaming grin gracing his features. He stood stone still for a moment before leaping in the air with a joyful shout and skipping off to practice.
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Sasha scheduled Shane to perform on Friday night and it was a big crowd--just the kind Shane had been hoping for. He waited eagerly backstage with his lovely assistant who just so happened to be his girlfriend, Ruby. She wasn’t quite as enthused as Shane, but she reluctantly went along with it...especially after he begged and pleaded with those wistful emerald-green puppy-dog eyes.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Ruby groaned, decked out in gypsy-ish garb.
“What’s that, Ruby?” Shane asked distractedly as he straightened his top hat.
“Huh? Oh, nothing,” Ruby answered, forcing a grin.
“Well, you ready?”
“Oh yeah,” Ruby replied dryly, sounding anything but ready, “I’m just...rarin’ to go.”
“Great!” Shane beamed, “Now all we have to do is wait for our cue.”
Out on the stage a few minutes later, they heard Itchy giving the introduction.
“And now tonight, for your entertainment,” Itchy said, “We have a special treat. The Fleabite Café proudly presents...Shaneless Shame!”
“Shameless Shane!” Shane hissed, poking his head out from behind the curtain.
“Oh...er...Shameless Shane,” Itchy stammered, “And his lovely assistant, the mysterious Gypsy Gem!”
Shane and Ruby stepped out on the stage as the audience applauded. Ruby looked anything but comfortable in this situation, but Shane didn’t seem to notice. He immediately set about performing his routine and everything flowed smoothly without a hitch until...
“And now for my next trick and grand finale,” Shane announced, “You will see a great escape unfold before your very eyes.”
Ruby stared at Shane, having no clue what he had in mind or whether it involved her or not. She didn’t find out that it did until he fastened the ring of a handcuff on her left paw.
“What...do you think...you’re doing?!” she hissed at Shane.
“Relax,” Shane replied sweetly, “It’s simple. I’m just gonna pick a random volunteer from the audience and handcuff the two of you together and destroy the key, then I’m gonna say the magic words and you’ll both be free.”
“You sure this is gonna work?” Ruby asked suspiciously.
“Positive,” Shane then turned to the audience and looked to Itchy, “Fetch me that mongrel way in the back...the one with glasses.”
Ruby was not about to go along with this when she saw Shane had picked Killer, of all dogs, to be the volunteer. He wasn’t going along quietly to say the least, so it was obvious he didn’t like the idea either.
“I’m allergic to hocus-pocus!” he protested, digging his heels in as Itchy pulled him up on stage.
“Oh, for the love of kibble!” Ruby snarled at Shane, “Why...did you pick HIM?!”
Shane shrugged and offered an ingratiating grin as he swiftly clasped the other cuff on Killer’s right paw. Shane then told Itchy to dispose of the key. Both Ruby and Killer swallowed audibly hard as Itchy put the key between two slices of bread and offered it to a big, tough bulldog, who didn’t hesitate to crunch it up in his massive jaws.
“Now, I will simply utter the magic words and my two captives will be released,” Shane declared, waving his paws over the cuffs, “Chains that bind, when I bark my next woof, release thy captives with a silent poof!”
They waited...and nothing happened. Shane chuckled nervously and repeated the magic words with the same result. By now, Ruby was glaring daggers at him.
“Boo!” random dogs began shouting. It was up to Sasha to save her little brother from rotten vegetables.
“Fabulous comical trick, Shane!” she shouted, forcing a convincing roar of laughter and clapping her paws, “Bravo! Bravo!”
“What trick?” the bulldog demanded, “I don’t get it!”
“He made that key disappear, didn’t he?” Sasha shrugged.
Thankfully, the bulldog--along with a majority of the audience--was rather dull-witted and bought her story. Sasha then leaped up on the stage to finish bailing Shane out.
“And so ends our show for tonight, folks. Thank you for coming!”
Shane, blowing kisses to the audience, was abruptly dragged--along with Killer--backstage by an infuriated Ruby.
“Well, I hope you have a plan to get me apart from this mutt,” she fumed at Shane.
“Well...I, uhh...”
“Oh, isn’t that just the common male response?” Ruby growled, taking on a “stupid” accent, “’Duh...well...I, uh...’ Great play, Shakespeare! Anymore tricks?”
“I’m sorry, Ruby,” Shane said sincerely, “I thought it would work. The guy I bought those from said it never fails.”
“Uh...Shane?” Sasha asked, coming backstage, “Who exactly did you buy those from?”
“Carface?” Shane squeaked.
“WHAT?!” Sasha, Ruby, and Killer snarled in unison.
“He said he had just the stuff I was looking for to make a convincing show,” Shane replied quickly.
“Oh, it’s convincing, all right,” Ruby growled, “Convincing me that you have the brains of a flea! Trusting Carface...and then hitching me to a dog I absolutely cannot tolerate!”
“Ruby, I’m sorry--”
“I don’t have time for your lame excuses,” Ruby snorted, “I’ve gotta figure out how to get this leech off of me!”
With that, Ruby stormed out, dragging a helpless Killer behind her.
“Ouch! Uh, hey, Ruby,” Killer spoke up, trying not to sound irritated, “Do ya think you could let me get my paws under me so we can synchronize our walking?”
“Why should I?” Ruby snapped, “I’m stuck with you hooked to my front leg like an overgrown key chain!”
“Well, bein’ hooked to you is no picnic, y’know!” Killer snapped back.
“At least you can now say you have a better half,” Ruby hissed.
“That’s hitting below the collar, don’tcha think?” Killer growled.
“No, this is,” Ruby snarled, kicking Killer squarely in the stomach, winding him temporarily.
For a few moments, while Killer was trying to catch his breath, Ruby dragged him along in silence, trying to think of a way to get rid of the cuffs. The only thing she could come up with was to try and saw them off. She dragged Killer down to a construction area where many tools were lying around and, luckily, she stumbled upon a saw. She then found a wooden crate and stretched the chain across it, herself on one side and Killer on the other. She was soon sawing furiously.
“Yeow! Hey, watch it!” Killer yelled, “You’re gonna saw my paw off before you saw the stupid chain!”
“Well, keep your stupid paw out of the way!” Ruby barked back.
“Y’know, I have a better idea,” Killer answered, trying to calm down, “But you’ll have to let me lead.”
“Fine, smart guy,” Ruby snarled, throwing the saw down and narrowly missing Killer’s shabby tail.
“All right, c’mon,” Killer nodded and set off.
“You’re such a moron,” Ruby grumbled.
“Hey, at least I’m not dragging you,” Killer retorted.
They reached an old tool shed, no doubt a place where Carface and Killer often loitered, and Killer promptly dug up a blow torch and two pairs of safety goggles.
“Put these on,” he told Ruby, tossing the goggles to her.
Ruby peevishly obeyed and Killer set to work, but it wasn’t long before they had another disagreement.
“Shut that off!” Ruby hollered, “What’re you trying to do? Burn my paw off? You just singed my fur, you idiot!”
“I didn’t mean to,” Killer yelled back, flipping the goggles up, “You’ve gotta hold still!”
“How can I hold still when that thing is burning hot and no more than three inches from my skin?”
“I’m gonna talk to the boss,” Killer huffed impatiently, starting to stomp off.
“And what’s he gonna do about this?” Ruby demanded, jerking the chain back and pulling Killer’s legs out from under him.
“Well, he might have a spare key,” Killer growled, straightening his glasses.
“Fine, but if he doesn’t, you’re dead meat,” Ruby warned.
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“Nope. Sorry Killer,” Carface chuckled, “Looks like you two are really stuck...literally.”
“Why, you big fat good-for-nothing meatloaf!” Ruby snarled, lunging for Carface, but she was pulled up short when Killer promptly latched onto the banister of the staircase.
“Ah-ah-ah,” Carface stepped forward and put a paw under Ruby’s chin, “Ladies shouldn’t behave that way.”
He pulled back just in time as Ruby snapped her jaws mere centimeters away from his paw.
“They shouldn’t,” she growled, “But this one does.”
“Uh...Ruby, let’s go,” Killer suggested, pulling on the cuffs, “We’re just wasting time here.”
“Thanks to you,” Ruby snapped.
Carface chuckled cruelly as he watched the two depart, still arguing over who was at fault for what.
“I’ve got it,” Killer said suddenly, “It’s bound to work.”
“What?”
“Grease,” Killer answered, “If we grease our paws real good, these things should just slip off.”
“Grease?” Ruby repeated, “What kind of grease?”
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“Car grease?!” Ruby was disgusted as Killer slathered a glob on her paw, “That’s disgusting! It smells!”
“Just rub it in your fur,” Killer grumbled, irritated.
Ruby really wanted to rub the grease in Killer’s face, but she somehow managed to refrain from doing that. After greasing their paws, they began trying to slip the cuffs off.
“It’s not working,” Ruby said in a warning tone.
“Uh...maybe if we just...use a little more--”
“In your dreams!” Ruby interrupted, slamming the bucket of grease over Killer’s head.
That was the last straw. Now Killer was going to lose his self-control and blow up. He yanked the can off his head and threw it in a fit of rage and got in Ruby’s face.
“If you weren’t a girl, I’d hit you!” he snarled.
“And if you weren’t such a moron, I WOULDN’T hit YOU,” Ruby retorted, landing a sharp slap across Killer’s nose with her paw.
“Y’know somethin’? You act like this whole thing is MY fault!”
“It is,” Ruby snorted, “And if it’s not, it should be.”
“Well, it’s not,” Killer growled, trying to scrape the grease off his glasses, “I’ll tell ya whose fault it is. It’s Shane’s!”
“You think I don’t know that, idiot?”
“Well, then why are ya blamin’ me?!”
“Because Shane isn’t around to blame!” Ruby barked, then added, “Besides, what else are you good for?”
Killer could only clench his fists at his sides and growl. His face was red with frustration and one could see it through his fur. He quickly turned on his heel with the intention of turning his back on Ruby before he really lost it, but, as his luck would have it, he slipped on the grease spilled on the ground and went sliding across the concrete, dragging Ruby behind him. They spun out of control into the middle of the street and soon found themselves falling into...
“Ugh! It smells like...like...”
“A sewer,” Killer finished nasally as he had promptly plugged his nose when he realized what had happened.
“Fabulous,” Ruby groaned.
“Go figure why that manhole was left open and unguarded.”
“Go figure why you’re such an idiot to cause us to get stuck down here.”
“Don’t start with me, Ruby,” Killer warned, picking his way through the ankle-deep smelly water, “C’mon. Let’s get outta here.”
“How?”
“The boss and I mapped out the sewer system years ago,” Killer explained, “It’s something he devised as an emergency escape route from the curio shop. Put an emphasis on the ‘emergency’ part.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Ruby muttered, truly unsurprised by their “brilliant” escape plan.
“If I know the sewer--and I do--that tunnel should take us back to the street in front of the Fleabite Café,” Killer said, pointing to a tunnel on their left.
“You’d better hope you’re right.”
“Uh-oh.”
“Uh-oh what?” Ruby asked, tilting her head.
“We better get goin’...fast!” Killer replied urgently.
“Why the rush all of a sudden?”
“Don’tcha here it?” Killer whispered, his ears perked.
“Hear what?”
“Too late,” Killer groaned, pointing behind her, “Surf’s up.”
Ruby turned around to find he was pointing at a gigantic wall of water coming straight at them. With shouts of terror, they both tried to outrun it, but having one of their front legs limited in movement by the other’s movement slowed them down considerably and it wasn’t long before the water overtook them.
They were helpless as the water carried them through tunnel after tunnel, but all at once, they were spewed out of a pipe and into some sort of canal--one that happened to be only a few blocks from the café. Bedraggled and waterlogged, Ruby and Killer gave up arguing with each other and dragged themselves the few blocks over to the Fleabite. They staggered through the doors and slumped back to back just inside the entrance.
“Ruby! Killer!” Sasha gasped, “What on earth happened?”
“Don’t ask,” Killer answered.
“Hey guys!” Shane cried, bounding over to meet them, “Where have you been? I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Boy, you guys don’t look so good. Ugh! And you smell like...like--”
“A sewer,” Killer and Ruby answered in unison, “We know.”
“Anyway, I wanted to tell you guys some good news,” Shane grinned, reaching into his magician’s cape he was still wearing, “I was pacing the floor trying to figure out how to get those cuffs off you guys and I suddenly remembered--I had a spare key on me the whole time!”
Ruby and Killer stared at each other in disbelief, then turned hostile expressions toward Shane.
“You...what?!” Ruby hissed, “You had the spare key on you...THE WHOLE TIME?! Hand it over!”
“You heard the woman!” Killer barked.
“As soon as I am detached from this blockhead, I’m gonna wring your neck!” Ruby threatened, already unlocking the cuff around her paw.
“Yeah, you heard the woman!”
“Shut up, idiot!” Ruby snapped, whacking Killer with her tail. She then unlocked the cuff on his paw and approached Shane with a sly smirk, twirling the handcuffs.
“Better start running, Shane,” Sasha muttered, trying her hardest not to laugh as her brother took off, pursued by two smelly, battered dogs bent on sweet revenge.
THE END