THE DECLARATION OF DEPENDENCE
(inspired by “Hedge” aka “Ashira”.)
by “KrazyLeggs” (2003)
CAST:
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Carface
Charlie
Hedge (used with Ashira’s permission)
Itchy
Killer
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“All right, Itch, here’s the plan,” Charlie grinned as he and Itchy spied on Carface lounging peacefully in his office one evening, “I’ll shout out to him and get him to look this way and when he does--splat! You hit him in the kisser with a tomato.”
“Remind me again why we’re doing this, Charlie,” Itchy said reluctantly.
“Because Carface is a double-crosser and besides,” Charlie added with a smirk, “It’s fun. Now get the tomatoes ready.”
“Aw, Charlie, I really don’t have a good feeling about this.”
“Shut up with the talking and get on with the tomatoes, will you?” Charlie growled in annoyance.
“No,” Itchy said firmly after a moment’s hesitation, “I’m not gonna do it, Charlie.”
“What? What do you mean, you’re not gonna do it?” Charlie hissed angrily.
“I’m not gonna do it,” Itchy repeated firmly, crossing his arms over his chest.
“You sure?” Charlie smirked thoughtfully, picking up a tomato.
When Itchy nodded, Charlie promptly squashed the vegetable all over the dachshund's face.
“Why you--” Itchy snarled angrily, picking up another tomato and preparing to hurl it in Charlie’s direction, but as he threw it, Charlie ducked and the tomato sailed through Carface’s office window and splattered all over the pit bull’s face.
“Raaaaaaaaghh!” Carface growled viciously, swiping the tomato juice off his face with a paw and looking toward the window.
“Quick! Throw another one!” Charlie ordered, but, much to his dismay, Itchy refused again.
“No way, Charlie,” he shook his head, “I’m not gonna do that again. That’s the last time I ever throw anything at--”
“Raaaaaaaaaaaghh!”
“CARFACE!” Itchy screamed as he found himself nose to nose with the angry pit bull.
“So YOU threw it, eh?” Carface demanded, “And I was all ready to light into Charlie for it, but who’d have ever dreamed a shrimpy wiener dog like you would be stupid enough to cross me.”
“But I didn’t--I mean, Charlie told me to--and then he--” Itchy tripped over his own tongue trying to explain himself, but Carface wasn’t convinced.
As Itchy looked around, he realized Charlie was gone--nowhere to be found. He’d run out on him. That was the last straw. After narrowly escaping Carface with his life, Itchy went hunting for his pal.
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At that time, Carface was still very angry about the whole tomato incident and angrier still that he hadn’t been able to catch Itchy and pulverize him for it. As was the norm, he vented his rage on Killer.
“You moron! It’s YOUR job to watch my back!” he screamed in rage, having cornered Killer in the basement, “That wiener dog assaults me with rotten vegetables and where are you? Chasing your sorry excuse for a tail? Sniffing fire hydrants?!”
“Actually, Boss, I was--”
“SHUT UP!” Carface bellowed, causing Killer to shirk back with a frightened whimper, “Now, even though you failed to do your job earlier, I’m gonna give you a second chance to redeem yourself. I want you to go find Itchy and cut him off at the knees!”
“Are his legs long enough to have knees, Boss?” Killer asked cautiously.
“Shut up and get going!” Carface ordered in reply.
“You know something, Boss?” Killer answered, appearing to be a bit angry himself, “I’m getting sick of you pushing me around and blaming me for everything. It’s not fair and, from this day forth, you can find someone else to lay the blame on, because I quit!”
“You can’t quit!” Carface countered, “You’re fired!”
“That’s just as well,” Killer snorted, “Either works in my favor because it means I don’t have to be a slave to YOU!”
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
“You just wait!” Carface shouted after Killer as he stormed away, “The first time trouble comes, you’ll come crawling back with your tail between your legs, pleading forgiveness and begging me to take you back! You just wait and see!”
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While that was happening, Itchy had found Charlie in the junkyard in his old cab, lounging around listening to jazz on the record player. Enraged with his boss, Itchy jumped through the broken window and landed squarely on Charlie’s chest.
“Hey Itchy,” Charlie chuckled, “Where you been?”
“Don’t ‘hey Itchy, where you been’ me!” Itchy snapped, “You know very well where I’ve been! I’ve been running for my life to save it from Carface because of YOU!”
“Hey, you DID throw the tomato that hit him,” Charlie shrugged.
“It was supposed to hit YOU!” Itchy growled, “You ducked so it would hit Carface and you know it! You tricked me!”
“Itchy--”
“I quit, Charlie!” Itchy interrupted, “I’m flying solo from now on out because, when push comes to shove, you’re no real friend!”
With that said, Itchy turned away and jumped back out of the cab before Charlie could see the tears in his eyes. Charlie stuck his head out the window and shook his fist after Itchy.
“You’ll never make it out there on your own, Itch!” he shouted, “You’ll come back and I’ll be waiting--right here! You got that?”
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As his luck would have it, the instant Killer had left the safe haven within Carface’s gang, it had begun to rain--hard. Add a little thunder and lightning and Killer found himself in a full-fledged electrical storm. He fled blindly through the driving rain until he reached an alley where he crawled under a junk car in search of shelter. As he curled up and backed away from the rain water dripping from the wheel wells, his heart leaped in his throat when his rump bumped into something furry. He jumped with a scream and hit his head on the underside of the car.
“Ow!” as he turned to look at whoever--or whatever--was lurking behind him under the car, he discovered an equally frightened Itchy.
“What are YOU doing here?” they demanded of each other in unison before answering at the same time, “None of your business!”
“Then get out from under my car!” Killer snapped, shoving Itchy with a back foot.
“No way!” Itchy grunted, kicking Killer in the rump with one of his short back legs, “I was here first! YOU leave and go out in the rain! You smell anyway, so you could use a bath!”
“All wet dogs smell!” Killer growled, getting aggravated, “Fine! I’ll leave. I’ve got my pride. I’d rather drown out there or get struck by lightning than share the same shelter with the likes of YOU!”
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
“That’s right, I said fine!”
Before surrendering and walking away, Killer made sure to stomp in a puddle hard enough to send a spray of water in Itchy’s face. Itchy sputtered and gave Killer a look that could burn holes through him, then, muttering, he curled up and tried to sleep.
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Trotting hastily through the driving wind and rain of the Louisiana storm, it wasn’t long before Killer lost his bearings and realized he was nowhere familiar. He was very frightened, but he tried to swallow it in order to keep his wits about him. Eventually, he took up shelter in a cramped gutter pipe where he managed to fall into a fitful sleep as he waited for daylight.
When morning came, Killer was awakened as a pair of golden paws stopped outside the gutter, just inches away from his nose. He poked his head out of the pipe and, recognizing the owner of those paws, he began trying to squeeze completely out of the gutter.
“Killer?” Hedge’s familiar voice asked in a bewildered tone.
“Uh...hi Hedge,” Killer groaned as his joints popped loudly.
“Killer, what are you doing out here?” the Great Dane asked, lending Killer a paw and helping him to his feet, “Why aren’t you at Carface’s place?”
“I quit,” Killer replied matter-of-factly.
“You--wait. What?!” Hedge couldn’t believe her ears. Killer quit and he’s still alive to tell the tale?
“I quit,” Killer repeated, “The boss--I mean, CARFACE pushed me too far, so I quit.”
“So how come you’re still alive?” Hedge inquired, confused.
“Well...I can’t explain that,” Killer answered, “When I told him I was leaving, he just said one day soon I’d come crawling back, begging for mercy. Ha! Like that’s gonna happen!”
“So where do you plan to go?”
“Wherever I please,” Killer smirked, trying to hide the fact that he was indeed worried about his own survival without Carface, “I’m a free dog now, Hedge. Nobody to answer to but me I‘ve declared my independence.”
Hedge tried to hide a smirk of her own as she knew Killer’s independence was more ignorance than anything else and it would not last long. He’d been in Carface’s gang for as long as she could remember and he just didn’t seem like the type of dog that could make it on his own as dysfunctional as he is.
“Be careful, Killer,” she warned, “And if you ever need help, you can lean on me. I’m glad you finally stood up for yourself. Enjoy your freedom, old friend.”
“Oh-ho, you bet I will,” Killer grinned, though he sounded less confident than he was aiming for.
As he trotted away, Hedge had a strong feeling that Killer was not and could not enjoy his freedom as it was something the old dog was not used to. She didn’t want to believe it, but she felt it wouldn’t be long before he would do exactly what Carface had predicted.
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Meanwhile, Itchy was just waking up from his sleep under the old car. He dragged himself out and stretched his short legs. Next, he trotted into the alley to raid a dumpster. As he climbed in and proceeded to dig through the pickings, he heard someone just outside the alleyway. Looking up, he saw Hedge walk by and he grinned suavely, leaping out of the dumpster and trotting after her. For a moment, he paused to sniff his armpits before approaching her.
“Ew!” he grunted, scrunching his nose up in disgust, then shrugging it off, “Eh, maybe she won’t even notice. Maybe she’s got allergies...or a cold.”
Having talked himself into it, he put his suave grin back on and pranced out to meet her.
“Hey Hedge!” he called, “Short legs! Wait up!”
Hedge stopped and turned to smile at the dachshund as he hurried to catch up with her. When she found herself downwind of his dumpster cologne, she grimaced and put a paw over her nose as politely as she could.
“Good morning, Itchy,” she greeted him nasally, “What are you doing on this side of town? And where is your buddy, Charlie?”
“Bah, he’s a thing of the past,” Itchy snorted with distaste, “I quit on him.”
“Oh, not you too,” Hedge groaned quietly, then spoke audibly to Itchy, “What happened between you two?”
Itchy relayed the story of the tomato incident to Hedge, who couldn’t help but smirk...especially when Itchy began to exaggerate.
“Of course, when Carface came after me, I wasn’t scared,” Itchy said in a macho tone, “I turned around and told him off and gave him a black eye for his trouble, then I went to give Charlie a piece of my mind.”
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t let Charlie get away with leaving you to take the heat for him,” Hedge smiled, still speaking with her nose plugged as she turned to continue on her way, “You take care of yourself. It was a very brave thing to do.”
“Really? Wow,” Itchy sighed, falling over on his back, “She thinks I’m brave. Ahh...”
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As anyone might have guessed, by nightfall that day, both Killer and Itchy were feeling homesick and lonely, not to mention vulnerable. They were both on a creepy side of town, but separated...until they backed into each other in the middle of a dark alley.
“Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!”
“Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!”
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” they screamed in unison as they turned and looked at each other, but, as it registered who was who, they became aloof and indifferent with one another.
“Oh, it’s just YOU,” Killer snorted.
“What’re YOU doing here?” Itchy demanded, jabbing a paw in Killer’s chest.
“What does it matter to you?” Killer huffed in response.
“It doesn’t. I just want you to get lost.”
“Well, it’s...too late for that,” Killer replied, his tough front crumbling to reveal the fear in his voice, “I am.”
“S-so am I,” Itchy added hesitantly, “What should we do?”
“Panic?” Killer suggested with an ingratiating grin.
“No. No, wait. Let’s think this out. We’re both sensible dogs, right?”
“Right.”
“We aren’t puppies anymore, right?”
“Right.”
“We can survive on our own without leaders, right?”
“WRONG!” Killer yelped, “I’m going back to Carface ASAP!”
“No, no, no!” Itchy growled, grabbing Killer’s tail and pulling him back, “I’m not going back just yet. I’m not gonna give Charlie the satisfaction in knowing that what he said would happen was true. He told me it wouldn’t be long before I came back because I couldn’t make it alone.”
“My boss said something like that,” Killer replied quietly.
“That settles it then,” Itchy smirked with a tough expression, “We don’t need them and we can prove it.”
“We can?”
“You’re right,” Itchy admitted, losing any toughness he might have had as he howled and whimpered like a kicked puppy, “We’re goners! We need our bosses!”
Struck by the sad truth, the two sidekicks who couldn’t tolerate each other for any length of time broke down in fear and regret for having left the safety of the company of their bosses.
Fortunately for them, a certain someone was nearby to hear their cries. Hedge came running up the alley toward them and slid to a stop, panting as their howling had frightened her.
“Are you guys okay?” she asked, concerned.
“Yeah,” Killer sniffled, “Just lost.”
“And tired,” Itchy added.
“And hungry.”
“And ashamed.”
“And--”
“Okay, okay,” Hedge raised a forepaw to silence them, “I get the point. Do you boys wanna go home?”
“Yes!” the two cried in unison.
“Consider it done,” Hedge smiled, putting a paw on their shoulders, “Follow me.”
“But Hedge,” Itchy protested, “What’s it gonna make us look like when we come crawling back like yellow-bellied...yellow-bellies?”
“Who cares?” Killer snapped, “That’s my reputation anyway.”
“But it’s not mine!” Itchy snarled back.
“Cool it!” Hedge barked, separating the two as they had gotten in each other’s faces, “I have a plan that will keep you guys from looking like cowards if your willing to co-operate.”
“Really?” Itchy asked hopefully.
“Just follow my lead and play along,” Hedge nodded as they neared Carface’s Casino where both Carface and Charlie were waiting outside.
“Ha! Pay up, Charlie,” Carface chuckled, “I told you they’d be able to hold out ‘til nightfall. What was your bet again?”
“That they’d be back in less than two hours,” Charlie muttered peevishly as he handed Carface a pawful of bones.
“So you couldn’t make it on your own, huh Killer?” Carface smirked, puffing cigar smoke in his sidekick’s face and causing him to choke, “Why am I not surprised?”
“Actually,” Hedge interrupted, “They both did quite well for themselves. I demanded that they follow me back here because they were making nuisances of themselves!”
“How so?” Charlie inquired.
“Well, this one,” Hedge answered, pointing to Itchy, “Kept dogging me and trying to woo me with his pitiful excuse for charm and this one,” she added, pointing to Killer, “Kept trying to squeeze my head with his stupid pliers!”
“Killer, I didn’t know you really had it in you,” Carface chuckled.
“For the sake of your sidekicks,” Hedge growled, pretending to be angry, “I’d keep them with you at all times, because if I ever catch them alone again, I’ll turn Itchy into a pretzel and Killer will have his eyebrows tied together and THEN...I’ll come after you guys. Clear?”
“Crystal,” Carface and Charlie answered together around nervous grins.
“Good. Now if you’ll excuse me,” Hedge snorted, “I have better things to do than waste my time with riffraff mutts.”
Killer and Itchy exchanged knowing glances as they closed their bosses’ open jaws.
“Don’t know me as well as you think you do, do you, Charlie?” Itchy snickered as he dragged his stunned boss by his tail away from the casino and toward the junkyard.
“Grr...shut up!” Charlie snarled, smashing a tomato (which he’d been saving for just the occasion) in Itchy’s face.
“Oh man! That wasn‘t nice, Charlie...”
THE END