Attack of the Fifty Foot Lioness by Sam Simpson Warning: this parody is chock full of implied sex and other assorted naughtiness. All non-explicit, of course. It's far more amusing that way. And remember, you don't have to be a Nalaphile to read this story, but it helps! "Hi, Simba!" crooned the beautiful young lioness lounging at the foot of Pride Rock. "Oops, I mean ... your majesty." She batted her eyelashes. Simba, the young king of the Pride Lands, paused in mid- step. "Um, hello Ashiki. Nice to see you again." "Want to meet again tonight? By the water hole?" "Sure! That would be great!" "What would be great?" asked Nala, emerging just then from the cave. "Um, nothing! Nothing at all." Nala frowned suspiciously. "You weren't thinking of... Oh, Simba, how could you!" "Now, Nala, it's not what it looks like." He tried to comfort her. "It's my duty to give cubs to all the lionesses. You know I'd rather do anything than hurt you, but well, it's a big part of the Circle of Life. It's my responsibility as king." "Well..." Nala sighed. "Okay, but I'd better not catch you enjoying it!" "No problem!" After Nala had gone, Timon popped up out of the shadows. "You were great, kid! What did I tell you?" "I don't know, Timon. Doing things your way sure is a lot of fun. But what if Nala finds out?" "She won't! Trust me!" Timon motioned for Simba to lean down so he could whisper in his ear. "Now, here's what you do next..." "Simba!" called Nala, "I'm back from Kube River Valley." Strange. Pride Rock looked deserted. "Where is everybody?" Worried, Nala climbed up on a boulder and scanned the horizon. There seemed to be something going over to the west, so she headed in that direction. Weirder and weirder. A whole bunch of lionesses were standing in a line, waiting their turn to enter a big grove of trees in the valley up ahead. Puzzled, Nala trotted towards the front of the line, where Timon was chatting up a storm and making notes on a clipboard. "Hey, no cutting in line," snapped one of the lionesses as Nala approached. Then she did a double-take. "Nala!? You're back early? Uh oh." "What's going on here?" demanded Nala. "Where's Simba? I want to see him, now!" "Sorry no can do," said Timon brightly, still busy with his clipboard. "His royal majesty is booked solid for the next week, but maybe I can squeeze you in next Tuesday if..." Nala cleared her throat loudly. Timon glanced up, then froze. "Oh crud." He dropped to his knees. "Please don't kill me!!" he bawled. "It was all Simba's fault! He made he do it!" Frowning, Nala plunged into the grove and found Simba and three other lionesses busily engaged in something that won't be described in detail here. The author has a *few* standards, after all. Roaring in anguish, Nala attacked the lionesses and drove them off. "I can explain," said Simba desperately. "Simba, how could you!" she wailed. "You promised! Don't you love me any more?" "Of course I do, Nala, it's just that..." "I won't have you seeing other lionesses behind my back!" Simba recoiled, then grew angry. "I don't have to take that from you. I'm the king, and I'll do whatever I want, whenever I want!" Something snapped inside Nala. Lifting a paw, she cuffed Simba right in the face, hard enough to knock him flat." "Ow! Jeez." Simba got up slowly and painfully. "Oh no," he moaned, frantically pawing at his eye. "You didn't..." He uncovered his face, revealing the distinctive slash she'd just put across his left eye. Nala gasped, horrified at what she'd done. "Simba, I didn't mean... I'm sorry, I..." "Do you know what you just did!" roared Simba. "This is going to scar! Now Disney's probably going to cancel the sequel, and it's all your fault!!" "I'm sorry," whimpered Nala, bursting into tears. She turned around and ran away. "Wait, come back!" cried Simba, but it was too late. "Damn. Zazu!!" Zazu appeared promptly as usual. "Yes, sire?" he asked, hesitantly. "Fetch Rafiki. Ask if he's any good at plastic surgery." That night, deep in the savannah, Nala lay curled up tightly, shivering alone in the cold. She'd run as far as she could, then cried herself to sleep. A sound began to fill the air, a rhythmic thrumming noise that got louder and louder. Nala awoke and gaped in wonder. By the Great Kings, there was a light in the sky, brighter even than the full moon, and it moved! Nala watched as it drifted though the heavens, closer and closer. A sharp crack, and suddenly Nala felt a stabbing pain in her left shoulder. She tried to run away, but for some reason she felt tired, so very tired. Soon, she stumbled and fell unconscious. The small helicopter landed close by. Then, a human jumped out and ran to the sleeping lioness, even before the blades had stopped spinning. He approached Nala cautiously, prodded her, then put away the tranquilizer gun. "This is it!" Dave shouted, clearly excited. "Felis disneyus, the rarest species of lion in the world! After all these years, we've finally found one!" "Great!" exclaimed John, getting out of the chopper. "Help me with the equipment. I want to start right away." A few minutes later, the two scientists had erected a tent around Nala. A camera sat on a tripod, recording everything. John scribbled notes and dictated into a recorder, while Dave checked the lioness out with the medical equipment. When he was finished, he filled a syringe with something, then injected it at the base of her neck. John paused. "Hey, what was that?" "Standard vaccine," replied Dave. "Keeps `em from getting distemper, leukemia, and all that." "Are you sure that's safe? We've never tested that stuff on a Felis disneyus before." "Well, of course we haven't! This is the first one that's ever been captured alive." "I don't know," mused John. "Look, every feline species that we know about has basically the same biochemistry, right? How different could this one be?" Nala moaned in her sleep. Then she began to grow. The scientists just gaped in astonishment as the young lioness grew even larger, right before their eyes. "Do you see that?" stammered John. "This can't be happening!" protested Dave. "It's a scientific impossibility." John eyed Nala nervously. She took up most of the space in the tent now, and she was still expanding, faster and faster. "If a scientific impossibility squishes you to a pulp, does it hurt?" "I'd say the answer to that question is: Very probably." The scientists ran screaming from the tent, just seconds before it stretched, ripped, then finally exploded under the relentless pressure of Nala's growing body. They cowered in the grass, watching helplessly as the sleeping lioness grew bigger and bigger with each passing second. Soon, she was so massive that the earth itself cracked and crumbled beneath her. Finally it stopped, and Nala began to stir. "Simba? Where am I?" Disoriented, she got to her feet, looking around herself in utter bewilderment. "They can talk!?" exclaimed John. "Why didn't we ever..." "Shut up!" hissed Dave. "Let's just get out of here!" They ran for the chopper, but it was too late. Nala shook her head, still dazed, then started walking north. Her massive forepaw came down and crushed the chopper like an old beer can. Then her hind paw stepped on the same spot, smashing it even flatter. Nala just kept on walking. She hadn't even noticed. "Well," remarked John, as the giant lioness disappeared into the night, "there's good news and bad news." Dave sighed. "Tell me the bad news first." "On foot, we're months away from civilization." "And the good news?" John hefted the camera triumphantly. "We've got pictures!" Back at Pride Rock, Simba was having a small gathering in his cave. "Well, how do I look?" Simba turned around, showing everyone his new black eye patch. Sarafina frowned. "Hmm. What do you think, Sarabi?" "I'm not sure what to think." "It ... er, well it certainly looks good on you, sire," offered Zazu. Timon and Pumbaa took one look and instantly they were rolling on the floor laughing. Simba ripped off the eye patch, exasperated. "They're right," he moped. "I look stupid wearing this thing." Utashi rubbed against his flank. "Aw, you shouldn't worry so much about one little scar, your majesty." Ashiki joined in. "I think it makes you look ... handsome." Simba's eyes widened. "You do?" He grinned. "Yeah. Of course I look handsome. I want to be alone! Everybody go away. Except you two..." From outside the cave, there was a dull boom, and the cave seemed to shake. "What the Hakuna Matata was that?" exclaimed Timon. Another boom, louder this time. "Oh, look over there," remarked Zazu. He was pointing at a small pool of water in a corner of the cave. Yet another boom, and all of them saw the ripples in the pool. Loose bones began to jump and clatter around. Everybody was shouting, but nobody could hear because of all the noise. Suddenly, the quaking stopped. "Simba?" called a deafeningly loud voice from outside. "Nala? Is that you?" Simba's first thought was to run and hide, but then his curiosity got the better of him. Simba trotted out of the cave and climbed out onto the Promontory. And then... What he was seeing was so incredible that for a moment, his mind just couldn't take it in. It was Nala, but... Great Kings have mercy, she was huge! He was on the Promontory, and she was standing on the ground below, and still, he was looking up at her. Way, way up! Nala peered down at him. Even at that size, she was drop dead gorgeous. No, Simba corrected himself, especially at that size. She was magnificent! "Simba? What's happened to me? I..." And then her eyes narrowed. Simba followed her gaze and saw everyone bolting from Pride Rock. No, he prayed, please don't let her see Ashiki and Utashi here! But obviously, she already had. "Simba! You've been fooling around again! I warned you!" Her tail lashed angrily, knocking over a whole strand of trees. Terrified, Simba turned and fled back into the cave. "Oh no you don't!" she warned. "Come out of there, or I'll smash Pride Rock to rubble!" She could do it, too, thought Simba. Meekly, he accepted defeat and came back outside. Nala leaned down towards him, gave him a mischievous grin. Suddenly, an impossibly huge paw flattened him to the ground. "Ha!" she cried. "Pinned ya!" "Hey, let me up!" shouted Simba. All she had to do was put her weight on that paw, and she'd crush him instantly! Instead, Nala settled her massive bulk onto the ground, carefully holding Simba between her forepaws. "Now, what am I going to do with you?" Nala considered for a moment, and then her face lit up. Slowly, she leaned forward, so close that he could feel her hot breath rushing all around him, blowing his mane. Then, Nala gave him The Look. "Oh, Simba! You know what I want?" "Oh no." She'd kill him for sure! "Not that! Nala, wait! Please, no!! Stop!!" But Nala just smiled at him, then picked him up by the scruff of his neck like a little cub, and walked away. For the next few days, life in the Pride Lands was pretty miserable. Everyone was all tired and cranky, probably because the constant earth tremors and moans of leonine passion kept them up all night, even though Nala was miles away. Despite this, surprisingly few people ventured to complain. Instead, they crowded around Rafiki's tree, demanding that he work some magic, or mix some potion or another and stop all this nonsense. Rafiki soon got tired of this and threatened to turn them all into small scaly things unless they left, so they did. On the third day, however, Nala came back to Pride Rock. Apparently, she'd shrunk during the night and was now a perfectly normal lioness again. To everyone's considerable surprise, Simba was also alive and well. Except for his recently acquired scar, of course. And that inexplicable stutter in his voice that he'd get from time to time. And the fact that his mane had gone completely grey. Not long after that, Simba was back on job, insisting he was fine, and patrolling the Pride Lands just like always. "Hi, Simba!" crooned Ashiki one day, as he passed by. She winked at him. "Hello, Ashiki." Simba paused, his gaze lingering on her. "Hey, Simba," called Nala, who happened to be nearby. She glared at Ashiki, who was rapidly departing, then back at her mate. "Simba! You weren't interested in her, were you?" "Me! No, of course not," he lied smoothly. Simba turned to walk away, took a step ... down. He stopped, looked at the ground. The hole he'd just stepped in was a paw print. A paw print bigger than a full grown lion. He spun around. "Nala, I confess. I was thinking lustful things about Ashiki. It was wrong, and I'm sorry." He nuzzled gently against her. "You're the only lionesses for me, Nala." "I know," whispered Nala, a strange smile on her face.