The All-New Pumbaa and Timon Show written by Samuel Simpson ----------------------------------------------------------- [Acme Zoo, in a cage. Timon ponders, while Pumbaa happily races around in circles for no reason.] Pumbaa: Gee, Timon, what do you want to do tonight? Timon: [evil grin] The same thing we do every night, Pumbaa. Try to take over the world! [song, to the tune of Pinky and the Brain] They're Pumbaa and Timon Yes, Pumbaa and Timon One is a meerkat The other's a drone They endure toil and pain As they quest for fortune and fame They're stinky They're Pumbaa and Timon 'mon 'mon 'mon 'mon [Title card: "Episode #42: Do the Lion Thing" (brief snatch of Hakuna Matata theme) ] [Timon is pacing around, scribbling on a clipboard.] Pumbaa: Hey, Timon, I think this coloring book is broken. Timon: Broken? Lemme see that. [It's a dot-to-dot puzzle, with everything connected in the wrong order. Timon gives the audience an exasperated look.] Timon: Pumbaa, as a wise meerkat once said, begin at the beginning, continue till you reach the end, then stop. Come to think of it, that was probably me. Pumbaa: Gee, Timon, you're such a smarty! I bet I couldn't think of something that smart in a million, billion, trillion, zillion, gillion... Timon: [whacks Pumbaa on the head.] Lie down before you hurt yourself! Pumbaa: Thanks. [looks around] Hey Timon, look at that! [Outside the cage, Zookeeper Quint is asleep at his post. On his television is an ad for The Lion King.] Timon: Quiet, Pumbaa! I'm tryin' to figure us a way out of this dump and into the stardom we so richly deserve. Or at least a plane ticket back to the Serengeti. Pumbaa: [hopping up and down, farting each time he lands] But, Timon look, it's the Lion King! Remember that? Do you, huh, do you?! Timon: Don't remind me! Sheesh, all I asked for was our own cartoon and sixty percent of the gross, but no!! I tell ya, Pumbaa, life's not fair! You don't see His Royal Furry Majesty stuck in a zoo, do you? Nooo, he gets to be mister big shot movie star. This stinks. Pumbaa: Oh. Sorry. Timon: If there was only some way we could be the ones on top... [his attention wanders to the TV] TV reporter: ...and analysts are predicting another smash hit for Disney, as animation fans line up by the millions, waiting for the opening of The Lion King next week. Timon: YES! That's it, Pumbaa! Are you pondering what I'm pondering? Pumbaa: I think so, Timon, but Lion King play shaving kits sound like a pretty dumb idea, if you ask me. Timon: No, no, no! Listen, Pumbaa. Picture this: We go to Disney Studios, sneak in, and plant a hypnotic message in the movie. Pumbaa: You mean like "brush your teeth after every meal"? Timon: I mean, like "Vote for Timon and Pumbaa in the Oscar nominations!" Just picture it, my porcine friend: "And the award for Best Movie goes to: The Lion King! Best Leading Actor: Timon! Best Supporting Actor: Pumbaa! Best special effects... Pumbaa: Hey! How come I'm the Supporting Actor? Timon: Because, Pumbaa, I ride on your back, therefore, you support me, therefore you are a supporting actor. Pumbaa: Oh. Okay. Gee, that's a great plan, Timon. Oh, wait, no. The film opens next week. How are we gonna put in a hypnotic message if the movie's already finished? Timon: Are you kidding? Those mooks at Disney leave everything to the last minute. They'll still be mixing the sound on opening day! Now, to come up with an extremely clever and brilliant escape plan. Hmm... Pumbaa: Uh, Timon... Timon: Quiet, Pumbaa, I'm trying to think. Pumbaa: Maybe since you're all little and skinny, and those cage bags are all big and wide, you should just walk right though the bars and take the guard's keys. Timon: Naa, that would never work! Hey, I got it, I can fit right through the bars! [He blinks.] Hey, Pumbaa, is it just my imagination, or have we been doing an awful lot of the old jokes this episode? Pumbaa: Old jokes? Timon: You know. The originality challenged, humor impaired stuff we do every week. Pumbaa: Oh, those old jokes! I would estimate the percentage of funny jokes so far in this production to be 23.834%, with a standard deviation of. Timon: Yeah, and getting lower as we speak. Look, Pumbaa, we are turning over a new leaf. From now on, no more of that old, washed up shtick. We are gonna be bold! Pumbaa: Original! Timon: Creative! Pumbaa: Inspired! Timon: Uh . uh . creative, uh? Crud, this is gonna be harder than I thought. [scene - outside Disney Studios on the opening day of the Lion King] [A limo pulls up. Tim Rice and Elton John get out and walk towards the building. Suddenly, they get sucked into the bushes and beat up. Timon and Pumbaa jump out wearing stylish clothes and sunglasses.] Timon: Okay, Pumbaa, this is it! All we have to do it sneak in and plant these hypnotic messages in the film. Pumbaa: Gee, Timon, where exactly do you think we should put them? Timon: Well, I don't know how the final cut of the movie came out, so we gotta put the messages in parts of the movie that would they'd never ever cut out, cause it wouldn't make any sense without `em. You know, like the part where Rafiki's climbing up Pride Rock, or the bit where you talk me into coming back to the Pride Lands with Simba. Pumbaa: Oh. Okay! [They head for the front door and suddenly ran smack into Terminator Quint, the security guard.] Pumbaa: Uh, hello, we are famous composers Tim Rice and Elton John, and not a meerkat and a warthog just pretending to be them. Timon: [slaps his forehead] Pumbaa, I told you to knock it off with that old stuff! After we take over the world, remind me to fire the scriptwriters. Pumbaa: So how are we gonna get past the guard? [Timon pulls out a remote control and clicks it. A huge anvil falls from nowhere and clobbers Terminator Quint. Timon kisses the remote control.] Timon: ACME, gotta love it! [They run inside.] [Animaniacs theme! For no reason, the Warners go running by, with Scar chasing them.] [A while later, Timon and Pumbaa sneak back out.] Timon: YES! Success, Pumbaa! Quick, let's get out of here! Pumbaa: Aren't you worried about that last one? Timon: Nah! What's to worry about? Pumbaa: Remember how I tripped over the plug for that CAPS computer? Are you worried that it might have lost the chain you stuck the last part of the hypnotic message in? Timon: Hey, no problem! Disney's CAPS system runs on Windoze 95 _! How can you go wrong with an operating system that says "Hakuna Matata" right on the box? It's probably got Crash Protection, or No-Fault Coverage, or something like that. Pumbaa: Well, if you say so. But I still wonder if. Timon: Pumbaa, Pumbaa, I don't wonder, I know. Ack! Now you've got me doing it! Pumbaa: Doing what? Timon: Come on, let's just go! ----------------------------------------------------------- [Scene: Timon and Pumbaa are back in their cage the next day.] Timon: I tell ya Pumbaa, this stinks. [He cringes.] Don't say it! Pumbaa: Don't say what? Timon: Never mind. Sheesh! My plan was perfect! I just don't get it. What could have gone wrong? Pumbaa: Aw, cheer up, Timon! It wasn't a total loss. We DID get our own cartoon. Timon: [groans] Don't remind me! [The camera pulls back to show that their cage is a set at Disney Studios.] Stagehand: Timon and Pumbaa, scene three, take one hundred ninety two! Zookeeper Quint: It is I, Zookeeper Quint! The fastest, bravest, strongest, uh . can we do that again? Timon: Aiiiiieee!! [Song] They're stinky, They're Pumbaa and Timon, moan, moan, moan, moan [fade out] ----------------------------------------------------------- "The Lion King" and "Timon and Pumbaa" are copyright Disney. "Animaniacs" and "Pinky and the Brain" are copyright Warner Brothers. Inspiration: Jason Knight's "Super Stress Day" and the TLK FAQ. This text may be freely distributed, as long as it is unmodified. Comments welcome.