Subject: FCOS Lost & Found Dept. Date: Sat, 11 Apr 1998 00:03:45 -0500 From: Rindimo Reply-To: TLK-L@lionking.org Organization: L.O.S.T.-- C.A.U.S.E To: tlk-l@lionking.org Well everyone can calm down. Yes, I'm a member, and I attend regularly. I just sit in the back, with a video camera taping for the next Pride Land's Funniest Home Videos. Hey, a guy's got to find a way to tithe, doesn't he? To bad I've only won 2 third places, but oh well. Anyway, I'm posting this message, because as I was walking through the lobby, I tripped over an empty sacred 5 gallon wine jug, and tumulted into a closet. A closet with a termite-induced hole. A hole that led into a forgotten part of the wine cellar. Thank goodness I drank enough wine to dull my senses. That, and a bunch of old hymnals and cinder blocks broke my fall. Don't worry, I'm not sueing... though I considerred it. But then I figured, hey, the Grand Pumbaa's probably got it tougher than I do- what with all those 900 number bills piling up in his mailbox.... Back to the story, now. As the wind slowly came back into my lungs, I looked at what I landed on. Judging from all the sunglasses, empty wallets, and broken rolex watches, this must be the FCOS Lost and Found Department. that, and a broken sign ridden with bullet holes and dust, that said, "Fort Knox Lost & Found" with Fort Knox exxed out, and FCOS written over it, tipped me off. After landing on everything, Most of the valubles weren't too valuble. But I decided, I'd better organize the stuff anyway. It was after i uncrumpled a buch of old Happy Meal boxes and newspapers, that I noticed something glimmerring. I came to find out it was some mirrors that showed a reflection of my back. Apparently, the wine was more powerful than I'd thought, for lo, a huge golden, diamond-encrusted decoder ring was embedded in my spine. It is a pretty one, that it was. Judging from it's weight, it's either gold-plated lead, or it's the real thing. Same thing with the Diamonds on them. They /could/ be fake, but then again.... anyway, I digress. I suddenly felt charged by some divine force-- maybe the wine-- to find out who the owner of this ring was. I rememberred many a time, people were shouting "It's Gone! It's Gone!" And here, I thought they were talking about the wine! (I know it's not over the sacrements...oy!) And so, I limped out of the cellar, and began to search for who this ring could belong to. I didn't want to just shout out that I found it, because then everyone will claim it's theirs. Greedy little souls... So I was forced to rely on my intuition, and sleuthing skills. I should've known when it came to that, the battle was lost. So I decided to sit and think, who could be the possible candidates. Could it be any of the saints? Nah, they've sworn themselves to liquor and holy poverty. All those golden chains they wear are holy relics, and their Tommy Hillfigure jeans were donated, they claim. I wish I could get free limo rides like they do. Well, who else could it be? No one came to mind. I decided that maybe finding out the purpose of the ring, I might find out who the owner could be. So I began trying the ring with everything I could find. On day one, I discovered that the ring is capable of giving the sequence to the lock on the church treasury. It was amazing, all the money, and long-missing WWII nazi war plunder were in there. But I figured, "well, I'd better see if this thing can do anything else." On day two, I noticed a small dent in the door leading to the church's utility/machinery/aircondioner/plumbing room. This door had been jammed shut for months, but when I put the ring in the dent, suddenly, they openned to the side. And as I walked in, this really cool looking car slowly rises from the floor, while in the back of the room- amidst a bunch of glowing computer monitors, a door opens that led to the FCOS front lawn. To think, here all along, I thought the saints used a John Deer... The third day, I found out a couple of things the ring could do. Interestingly enough, I found it to really help me in choosing stock shares in the stockmarket. I got cable tv for free. The numbers it gave me, made the atm machine spit out a ton of money, and best of all... It told me of a special code to type to make windows 95 fully functional, with no quirks at all. But I still couldn't figure out who's ring this was. It did so many things, I can't single out who it's owner is. So thus, I'm finally writing to all you members out there. Have any of you lost a 24 carat gold, 10 2carat diamonds-studded-all-over decoder ring? If not, after two weeks of this post, I legally get to keep it. Oh, I hope no one minds, but I've decided to take over the Lost & Found Department, seeing no one really took care of it in the first place. I also repaired the hole in the floor of the closet, and put all the stuff back in it. Up next week, I think I'll post about this mysterious glowing Ruby with mystic writing all over it. I found it in an old jar of expired pickled eggs. Until I find out anything else about it, It's just going to have to sit on the shelf until I figure out if it really does cure cancer, and gives you super powers.... -Rindimo --  The Tiger is made to kill and hunt, The Lion too, but more towards fight. The Leopards and Jaguars were made to climb, And Cheetahs made for earthly flight. But there is one creature of forgotten lore: Shrouded in mystery, be that it's trade, Of other virtues, it has all four- Respect the Puma, and what God made. -Rindimo E-mail Address: Rindimo@bellsouth.net *If you can read this, then I am still an eligible bachelor!*  Founder (and only member) of: The L.O.S.T.- C.A.U.S.E. (League Of Simplistic Technology- Causing All Unforseen Solutions Evident) K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple, Stupid. (Long neglected scientific principle)