Subject: Rindimo's Psychic Hotline Network Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1998 01:11:18 -0500 From: Rindimo Reply-To: TLK-L@lionking.org Organization: L.O.S.T.--C.A.U.S.E. To: TLK Mailing List . Rindimo's Psychic Hotline Network By: The All-knowing Rindimo Cheetah In a little region on the outskirts of the pridelands, sits a small rock outcropping not unlike its larger brother that makes up Pride Rock. It is here that I have been sent to cover an interesting phenomenon that has begun to take the Pridelands by the tail, and whip it around. Now you all are familiar with my other serious topics such as the dumping of toxic waste into the gorge, or the traffic problems during rush hour on the game trails, But this time, this issue affects the Pridelands just as immense as the others... only in social aspects. Rindimo Cheetah led me to the entrance of his establishment which was located on the west side of the rocks. Though I try to maintain a neutral position, I can't help but view his profession with a grain of salt attached. The male himself is a rather strapping fellow. He's a young, emotional creature that tends to look on the bright side of things. Which is why I was forced to grab the steering wheel from him, due to his staring into the locomotive's headlight, while driving on the way here. Other than that, he seemed like he had his head on right, and caused me to tumult within my thoughts why such a person would be so misguided in his beliefs of personal abilites. As we neared his work area in the cluttered building, a very tired female coworker smiled as she saw him approaching. Judging from the lines under her eyes, she must have been the night shift. As we were nearing, the phone rang one last time for her. "Pride Lands Psychic Hotline. Yes? MMmm hmm.... Uh huh... Well, let me focus on that energy coming from your voice for a second..." The female then slugged what was left of the contents of the coffee pot down her esophagus, and picked the phone back up. "Oh, this isn't good at all! I see DEATH! DEATH DEATH DEAAAAATH!!! AAACK! GOODBYE!" She slammed down the phone, and quickly gathered up her things, as she ran past us shouting, "It's all yours, 'Dimo." As my subject eased into the chair, he calmley switched on an external speaker so that I could hear both sides of the conversation. I was about to see the master at work. There was actually a brief lull in the quantity of phone calls, which gave us a chance to talk some more. I asked him if he could tell when someone was going to call before they even did. He laughed. "That's why I pick up the phone before it even finishes ringing for the first time. With such a reaction, they would believe I was ecxpecting them." Cunning. But what about asking for a name? Wouldn't he have known it without asking? "Simple," he crooned, "I tell them to say their name, so I can 'tune' into their 'karma'." He laughed spritely, and threw a few paper clips at a magnet on his desk. "Don't worry, I'll show you the ropes. there's nothing to this! It's a gold mine, man!" Indeed it is. As you-- my dear readers-- are reading, for me being an investigative writer, finding a good whistle to blow is a boon to my profession. It was then that a phone rang. Quick as he had foretold he would be, the cheetah grabbed the phone before it could finish it's first ring. "Ah, I've been expecting you!" Rindimo happily exclaimed. "Rindimo!" the voice shouted in joy, "I was hoping I'd get you!" "Heh... I knew you were." "Listen, I need to know if this guy I am going to meet will be the one for me. It's sort of a blind date, you see..." "Ah, no problem, dear. I want you to say your name any way you want to into the phone, so that I may focus on your karma energy." "MINE? What for? I want to know about him!" "Uh... Because he talked to you. Yeah, and now by opening your mouth, you transfer his energy. heh..." "WOW! That's right! You're so smart, Rindimo!" "Heh.. both of us already knew that!" This poor misguided soul giggled a spell, as Rindimo popped his knuckles, and smiled at me. "I am Sarafina!" "Sarafina?" The cheetah bolted upright in his chair. "Not the same Sarafina that works on that 1-900-Bad-Kitty number??" "Why... YES! How did you know?" "I'm psychic, remember?" "Wow! you're good!" "Yes... Now I'm getting in tune into your friend... Is there anything you can tell me about him so I can further probe?" "Well, Me and him have been talking on the 900 number for a while now... He's very smart and funny. Heh... Just recently, we both decided to finally meet, and do all those things that we were telling eachother we would do... But I'm afraid. Is he really who he says he is?" A bead of sweat trickled down the psychic's right temple. He swallowed hard before replying. I was beginning to actually wonder if he really did have a gift... or the caffeine was finally coming to action on him. "Does this male go by the name of... Twinky?" "WOW! How did you know that!? YES!" At this comment, Rindimo's jaw dropped at his revellation for a few miliseconds until the brightest smile I have ever seen came across his face. "I know everything, my dear Sarafina! Yes... and is Twinky a... Cheetah?" "YES! Yes he is!" I was wrong. THIS smile was the brightest smile I have ever seen. "Well my dear... Believe me when I say that Twinky's only lie, is his name. I sense he is insecure about who he really is... But maybe you can coax that out of him by giving him 110% of your attention. This is a relationship that I sense can be long term, only if YOU want it to be. "Really?" "Yes," Rindimo whisperred calmly, "Trust in me when I say this is the one for you. You have to trust yourself. Will you agree with that?" "Yes! yes I will!!! Oh, Thankyou Rindimo! YOu helped me so much! I was afraid I was going to make the wrong descision!" "Nothing to it. Heh... do that thing with your tongue to him for me, will you?" "What!? How did you--" "You gave it away in your voice-- uh, yeah! That's it!" "Wow... I didn't know it was that obvious..." "heh... Sorry about that..." "Oh no, that's okay! By the way... what kind of species are you, Rindimo?" "Oh, me? I'm uh..." Rindimo frantically thought for a momment. "I'm an African wild dog! Yeah, that's it!" "Too bad... you are very sweet! Well, I can never thank you so much! Goodbye!" As Rindimo hung up the phone, I noticed his hand was shaking. He nearly bowled me over, however, when he jumped up ontop of the desk, and started to do all sorts of jirations from what appeared to be from some ill-forgotten disco era. When I enquired why he was joyous of being passively turned down, his next words caused me to realize that this cat was no more than a hoax: "I'M TWINKY!!!!" He explained that since that call was too easy due to his activities with the caller, it was anxiously awaited upon for another call. Sure enough, Rindimo snatched the phone with lightning speed, as the next caller-- ready and willing-- awaited its checkbook to be slaughterred. "Hey there! I've been expecting you!" "Sure you have," a male voice replied. "You need to open up, man. Give us a chance like I know you will!" Rindimo placed his hand over the phone's receiver, in order to speak to me. "Heh... Here... I'll show you a tried-and-true method to deal with skeptics." With a grin, he turned his attention back at the caller. "Tell me your name, that I might use it to focus into your karma." "Shouldn't you already know my name?" "Oh yes, I do! But by you saying it, it signifies your openess to this game-- er... probing." "Heh.. yeah right! My name is Simba." "Ah.... A true lion at heart..." "Huh?" "I bet your father is proud of you." "A-are you.... in tune with his spirit?" "Sure! Why not? He says 'Keep doing a good job!'" Rindimo winked at me as he said it. "Whoa! Hey Dad, I was wondering--" "ARG! I hate it when these things happen..." Rindimo was trying hard not to giggle, "He's slipping away! ...Something about a battle between good and evil." A sigh came from the young lion on the phone. "He always was away..." "Tough luck, Simba..." Rindimo consoled him. "Ah well... There is some good things I can sense. Do you have a girlfriend?" "Girfriend?? I'm married!" "Heh... Really? from what I sense... you two must be newly weds or something... heh... lot's of energy between you two..." Rindimo winked at me again. He quickly put his hand over the receiver again, to say "ALWAYS tell them about love, or money! It gets them every time! His father was just a lucky break!" "Heh... boy... if you knew of the ENERGY," Simba ranted, "you would know what is between us!" "Enjoy it while you can! Heh... Just wait until you have a kid or something..." "NALA'S PREGNANT????" "Hey," Rindimo shrugged, "it can happen..." "Aw, MAN!!!" Simba whined. "I knew I should have used protection! Well, thanks for your time, Mr. Rindimo. You got me hooked!" Rindimo smirked, as he hung up the phone. "You see? It's that easy! All you have to do, is get them to open up, and start talking, and POP! They think up things all their own! Heh... wanna give it a try?" I told him that I'll let it go one more time, just to make sure. Shortly, the phone rang again. "Hey there! It's about time you called!" Rindimo laughed, "let us begin shall we?" "Do you use crystals for your answers?" A squawking voice asked. "If you want," Rindimo gazed at a rock on his desk that had some plastic eyes, and a patch of carpet glued on top of it, "I have a little pet rock-- if you know what I mean-- that helps out occasionally." "Awesome. What about cards?" Rindimo opened a drawer on his desk to pull out a common deck of cards used for poker night. "Sure, I have cards. What's your pick?" "Um... I don't know. Let me ask my crystal..." Rindimo made a face of revulsion at the caller's misguided self. "Uh... I'll try the cards... yeah." "Will you tell me your name, so I can focus upon your energy?" "Zazu" "Well, let's see what the cards say..." Rindimo randomly grabbed a card from the deck, and looked at it. It was a ten of diamonds. "I see great wealth! Ten times what you have now!" "Really? How's that?" "Diamonds come to mind..." "OF COURSE! Thankyou so much Rindimo, you are truly a blessing to the mortals!" "Yeesh," Rindimo commented as he hung up the phone, "some people really creep me out." It finally became time for me myself to have a trial run with all this psychic bunk, and I was ready to go. There was a sardistic pleasure in manipulating the mindless souls, I must admit. But fooling Rindimo into thinking I wanted to become one of his cronies was all the more joyful. You can't imagine the grin on my face as I write this exposé... "Hello there, friend! I have been expecting you!" "Hallo? Ees dees dee psychic hotline?" "It took you long enough to find it, eh?" "Yes... I was wondering about my love life..." "Sounds simple enough. Say your name that I might focus upon your karma." "Ehm... Rafiki." "Ah yes... there we are..." "What? What? Tell me!" "How long has eet-- ahem-- how long has IT been since you had a girlfriend? It sounds like it's been too long..." "YES! 20 YEARS!!!" "Oh my... Well... do you go to any local single bars?" "Why YES! Yes I do! How'd jyou know dat?" "Think why you are calling this number..." "Oh, dat's right.... Hee hee... silly me. So what do I do?" "Here's a little tip of mine: Try abstaining from alcohol the whole night. Then hit on an intoxicated female. With their judgement gone, it ought to be easy." "And dees will help my love life?" "Hey, you said it, not me." "Hey, tanks!!!" "What? Where?" "Oh boy... Long story. Goodbye!" Rindimo slapped me on the back after that one, and said I was a talented psychic. The rest of the day, aside from the normal phone calls, dealt with discussing pay, and employment schedules. Though I had no intentions to become one of these monsters, I told him I'd think about it. And now you readers are aware of the parasites that are sucking our wallets, our minds and will to do their bidding. We mustn't stand for this type of degredating activity on our land! I say drive them, and everyone associated with them out into the elephant graveyard where they belong! I have gone undercover to expose many a destructive activity, but this one is by far the most revolting and appalling, because of its legality, and sheer simplicity to it. The only way for us to rid our lands of this beast, is either to change the laws... or better yet, making a concious descision to boycott these things to oblivion! Yes, nothing like a good boycott! I love them! Reguardless, I will always be faithful and loyal to my views that you, the reader, should be aware of what is going on under your nose... bill... whatever you got. And if that means lieing, cheating, and destroying poor souls' only means of income, then so be it. God, I love my job! -Ike Gopher Payrhodees -Rindimo Cheetah (rindimo@bellsouth.net) Nothing is sacred. That's why I don't make fun of it. +Founder, and only member of L.O.S.T.-- C.A.U.S.E (League Of Simplistic Technology-- Creating All Unforeseen Solutions Evident) +FCOS Lost & Found Clerk ICQ # : 12915153 +Amateur Artist/Writer/Musician AOL IM : Rindimo1 +Bachelor? Hrm... Webpage: http://www.lionking.org/~rindimo/index.shtml + Monorable Member of the Pride Keepers. "One thing nothing can destroy, is our pride deep inside we are one!" ********************************************************************* Well don't stop. Whatever you do, don't stop. Because as soon as you stop, you're forgotten. - Mageuzi *********************************************************************