Subject: The Rindimo Talk Show! Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 00:20:37 -0600 From: Rindimo Reply-To: rindimo@bellsouth.net Organization: L.O.S.T.--C.A.U.S.E. To: TLK Mailing List . From the depths of the hallowed hall of past listers, I have returned! The story you are about to read is one I had in mind before I ever left the list. It has just recently "come together" as it were, so here you are! You'll never be rid of me, you hear? NEVER! MUWAHAHAHAHAAAA! Anyway, without further ado, literary work number 91: The Rindimo Talk Show! Starring: Rindimo Cheetah as your host. Head of the RTS band: Rafiki. Announcer: Zazu. Tonight's guests are: Zira The Gopher Comedian Timon The music of Scar & the Hyenas At the end of a tiring day, it was accustomed for all the tired, stressed-out pridelanders, and outlanders alike, to turn on the television late at night to escape the tension of the day. Most of the denizens found themselves tuning in to the station WKNG-- King of the airways. The smiles quickly graced their muzzles when a familiar face would appear. Tonight was no different. "Welcome to the Rindimo Talk Show!" The announcer exclaimed with all the pomp he could muster. "Yes, the Rindimo Talk Show! With Rindimo Cheetah as your host, Rafiki Shaman as the Rindimo Talk Show's band director, and me? I'm Zazu Hornbill! Tonight, we have as guests: From Simba's Pride-- Zira! You saw him in TLK as The Gopher! And also appearing tonight: the comedy of Timon Meerkat, and the music of the band 'Scar and the Hyenas'. And now, without further ado, HEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S Rindimo!" As the camera focuses on the curtains in the main stage, the audience cheers in anticipation for the king of late-night. Much to their surprise, instead of appearing from behind the curtains, a trap door opens on stage, and the spotted host himself rises from the floor-- eliciting far more cheering than previous. "Gods, I love gimmicks!" he chuckled. When the cheering finally died down, he entered his customary stand-up comedy act as he normally did before introducing his guests. "I hear everyone has healthy lungs tonight? Great! I take it no one was starting to drown with a warthog sitting on their head previous to tonight's show... Did anyone experience how windy it was today? It was so windy-- in fact-- I never saw the warthog community so confused in all my life. Yes yes... It was so windy, so much milkweed floss was blown into the air it got to the point that people allergic to it just started screaming "Sex" instead of the regular sneezing reaction. Speaking of "S" words... isn't that what Mufasa died of? A stampede of wildebeest that escaped from *Sarah* Lee meats? Yeah, and you thought the lysteria was bad! It must have been the Hoof and Mouth disease that got poor old Mufasa... Ha. ha. I'm certain after that kind of attention, the value of Sarah Lee Meat's stockmarket shares just PLUMMETTED, and hit ROCK BOTTOM. Also in the news today, Nuka-- Kovu's half brother-- was arrested for charges of arsony. Hey, you play with fire-- you're going to get burned. Well naturally, we can't go on without one last joke about our king, and whatever new scandal it is that he's started. What's it been lately on Simba's 'to-do' list now? Scandalous affairs? I don't know... all these accusations seem so *OUTLAND*-ISH if you ask me. Well Ladies and gentlemen, we have an excellent show planned for you tonight. She starred as the hottest villaness I've ever seen. You can see her do her stuff in the latest TLK sequel Simba's Pride: ZIRA! ROWR! Also tonight, we have an old friend of ours. He last appeared in TLK: It's The Gopher! Also we have the comedic talents of Timon, and music by Scar and the Hyenas! Stay tuned, we'll be right back after these messages!!" **** As the cheetah clad in jacket and large tie snaps in whip-like fashion his long tail at the camera-- like he does for every show-- the screen fades suddenly to a baobab tree in the middle of nowhere. Rafiki is seen happily scraping something in a bowl, and humming to himself. Without warning, his baobab tree lists to one side, and eventually crumbles to the ground. As profuse cursing suddenly fills the air, a familiar, and scratchy voice is suddenly dubbed over the shaman's oaths: "Got termite problems? I should know. Hi, I'm Nuka-- President of Terminuke. Here at Terminuke, we specialize in methods to ensure your home will never be infested again, or else we eradicate these festering pests free of charge." Nuka walks onto the screen scratching his haunch, and carrying a familiar device known as the Furburner 2000. With relish, he rudely shoves Rafiki aside, and proceeds to burn anything in site-- much to the protest of Rafiki. Almost instantly, the flames seem to encircle the camera, and spread across the savannah. Nuka himself, with a crazy look in his eyes, sets his own camera ablaze. "And remember our company's motto: FIRE!!!! THE TOOL OF PURIFICATION!!! HEE HEE HEE HEE!" **** With that, the TV screen blooms with a vibrant rendition of Upendi, as a camera focuses on Rafiki playing the steel drums, then pans over to Rindimo, who is sitting behind a rather ornate wooden desk. He takes a sip of tea from a coffee mug before going on with the scheduled entertainment. "All right! Our first guest is the horribly seductive villaness of Simba's Pride. At least, that's how her charms work on me. I present to you the beautiful, the tantalizing, Mrs. 'Bad Kitty' herself: ZIRA!" Without further ado, the sly lioness comes out on stage wearing a tight black dress with a low cut, and long skirt. As she sits down, she has trouble putting on her wireless microphone. Rindimo took hold of the opportunity to help her all too quickly. "So, Zira, how's stardom been treating you?" "Well Rindi, I must say POWER is one of my obsessions come true." "No doubt. Any particular insight, elaboration, or instance you'd care to share? "Not really. I just like to do things that make me feel like I'm number one. I tend to carry that aspect into all aspects of my life: mothering, work, relationships..." "And how, Zira, do you feel power in relationships? Care to elaborate?" "I figured you'd pick that one. I don't think I can say it out in public... I don't want to, either." "Okay... how about you act it out for us, then?" Zira gave a wry grin at Rindimo's come-ons. "It takes two to tango." "I offer my services," Rindimo winked at her. "Shame on you!" Zira laughed. "My husband Scar is backstage!" "What's he going to do," Rindimo laughed, "Slap my wrists?" "He only does that if you're clinging to a cliff wall, cutey," Zira fired back. "Ooh, a worthy opponent tonight, folks!" Rindimo winked at Zira again, who promptly returned the flirt. She certainly plays around. "So how is the family?" "Well, I'm a little dissapointed in my son." "Nuka?" "Okay, I'm dissapointed in both my sons." "Why's that?" "I guess it's natural for a parent to have extravagant dreams for their kids. I always thought Kovu would be a blue-collar factory worker... and Nuka a biologist. He certainly loved playing, and examining dinner before eating it." "What about Vitanni?" "I always knew in my heart she would be mommy and daddy's little warrior. It runs in the female's side of the family." "I think that's one of your most appealing traits to the male universe." Rindimo dreamily gazed past his guest, and was probably envisioning some absurd scene in his mind. "So, what's you favorite weapon, then?" "The whip." "No wonder Scar is so happy to be your mate..." Zira playfully stuck out her tongue at a jealous Cheetah. "Next up," Rindimo chirped, "Gopher! Right after this commercial!" **** The viewer is taken to a beautiful panoramic view of Paris, France. We see among other things: The Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, and... VITANNI IN ARMY FATIGUES?!? "Hello, you booger-picking weaklings!! I'm your commanding connoisseur, Vittani! It has always been a life-long mission of mine-- aside my service in the military-- to find the best gourmet root recipes in the world. Now, I order you to try my cuisine! MOVE MOVE MOVE! HUSTLE to Vitanni's Mess hall-- featuring the latest flavors in dirt, and rotten tree roots! DO YOU HEAR ME!?!? I said hustle, maggot!! If you don't come to try my cooking, I swear I'll STRANGLE YOU with your OWN INTESTINES, and CHEW YOUR HEART OUT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!!!! Promptly, Vitanni throws a grenade at the camera, while uttering a few oaths that compete with Rafiki's own. The screen blacks out, and the words "Vittani's Mess Hall-- Where the rations are generous, not the service" appears. **** Once again, the camera comes into focus on Rindimo. "You know, Zira, your daughter looks almost as good as you. Is she still single? OOPS! We're back on the air! Okay, my next guest last appeared in TLK, and has currently written an autobiography titled: 'I'm a Gopher, and That's My Name too, D@mnit!' I present to you, GOPHER!" The audience cheers as the floor of the studio shakes and deforms its way towards the guest seat. At the end if the long tunnel, pops out Gopher himself, who has a hard time crawling into the chair. "Aww," Zira commented, as she helped him, "You're so cute, I could just eat you up!" "Funny," Rindimo replied while gazing at Zira, "I said the same thing about you..." "Uh, thanks, Ma'am," the little rodent nervously replied, while sitting between the two predators. "So Gopher," Rindimo began, "Got any late-breaking juicy gossip for us tonight?" "Not really," Gopher stretched as he began to relax in the chair, "Oh wait! I did hear something. Vitanni has a new boyfriend!" "WHAT?!?" Zira eyed the Gopher with an icy stare. "Who is it THIS time??" "You didn't know about her?" Gopher smiled, as he put his paws behind his head in a comfortable manner. "You didn't know about her and ZAZU?" The audience gasped in astoundment, and an audible squawk was heard booming across the speakers-- being that Zazu commandeered the announcer's microphone. "HA HA!" Gopher chortled, "I was just pulling your tailfeathers, ol' buddy!" He turned back to face Rindimo. "There's no gossip at all right now. At least, nothing left to sell to the media at the moment..." Rindimo laughed at the rodent's tactics. "Ah, that's why we keep inviting you on the show, Gopher. I like your style!" "Thanks, 'Dimo." "So, do you have any real secrets to your services for the king and his agents?" "Not really. Though there's this one tunnel underneath this acacia tree. A lot of stuff happens there. Classified information, of course." "Of course," Rindimo assured the gopher as he winked at him. "By the way, I hear you're not a native from around here. Would you care explaining this?" "Oh yeah," Gopher quipped, "You can read all about how my parents immigrated over here to escape the treacherous Miniature Golf Course of Nine Deaths. Talk about your slums! And to top it off, they had to keep paying a green fee!" "Humans can be so attrocious sometimes," Rindimo sympathised. "Yeah. Oh well... Also in my book, is my lineage. I come from a long line of aristocrats and actors you know. In fact, I'm named after my uncle who starred in Disney's Whinnie the Pooh." "Really..." Zira yawned. "Yes! And my great grandfather's tunnel was the one that made Daniel Boon's horse break a leg, and--" "If you keep telling us these things," Rindimo interrupted, "We won't have to buy the book." "Oh yeah! Heh..." "So, now that you've made your debut in TLK, are there any new offers for you to possibly star in another movie?" "I was considerred for the role of Mushu in Disney's Mulan, but some dopey dragon got the part. So far, they're thinking of having me fill a role in the latest Disney film, Tarzan. They're thinking of making a role more suited to my natural abilities. I'd play as Tarzan's confidant, 'Dirt-Rat.'" "Hey, that's great to hear! I wish you the best of luck in your ventures, old buddy!" Rindimo shook Gohper's paw, and turned to face the camera. "We'll be right back with the comedian Timon, right after these messages!" **** The camera panned across the beautiful pridelands, and once it reached the majestic river that winds its way near Pride Rock, it follows it until two figures are seen farther off to the side of its banks. As it proceeds to focus on the figures, the observer begins to make out their features, and what they are doing. It's none other than Simba and Kovu throwing a (American) football between eachother in a lively game of catch. The camera's eye finally rests on a figure in the foreground. As Kiara addresses the audience, we can still see the blurred figures of Simba and Kovu continuing their scrimmage. "Hi, I'm Kiara King. Before Kovu, my father would spy on me, be extrememly over-protective, and basically ruin my life and embarrass the hell out of me. But now after joining the Prideland's Program for Mentors, he's found the son he never had. Not to mention Kovu has a mentor to challenge him to excel in those things that are so important in life." Suddenly, blaring forth behind Kiara came a most disgusting and drawn-out belch. "Good one, Kovu!" Simba praised, "You're getting the hang of it!" "DADDY!" "What, Kiara?" "Anyway," Kiara continued, "There's always room for another outstanding person like you-- the viewer-- to register with our program, and help give some young person goals and dreams they would never have believed possible." Suddenly, Kiara felt a nudge and turns around to see Kovu with a goofy grin on his face. "Hey babe, gimme kiss." "Ew, Kovu! You smell like beer! Are you drunk???" "Confidence, Kovu!" Simba shouted, "Say it with CONFIDENCE!" "DADDY! What have you done to him??" "I'm teaching Kovu to pursue his dreams. He just needed a little 'push'." "Dad, he's stoned!" "He sort of mixed up my instructions..." "What kind of mentor /ARE/ you???" "C'mon Kovu, Kiara's being a party-pooper again..." With an agitated, and angry expression on her face, Kiara faced the camera one last time. "So PLEASE! I beg of you! Help improve society! Be a mentor! To apply, you can dial 1-800-CUB-MNTR. Thankyou." **** Amidst the applause of the audience, and the song "Particle Man" being churned out with a Reggae beat, and a solo performed by Rafiki, the object of the camera's focus breifly intoroduces the next event. "My next guest is going to perform a *little* stand-up comedy. You can buy his latest CD, "Why I'm So Great" at any retail CD store. You can normally find him doing his act at Pride Rock, but tonight, he's come to grace our stage with his brand of humor. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you TIMON!" The small meerkat happily climbed up a small ladder, and stood up onto a tall wooden stool so he could reach the microphone. "WHEW!" Timon began, "I tell ya it's great to be here on the Rindimo Talk Show! I just flew in, and man-- are Zazu's wings tired! But seriously, folks-- HA HA! I crack me up! Ha ha! Hey, I got a joke for ya! What do you call a hornbill stuck in a rib cage? Give up? A JAIL BIRD! Get it? He's in Jail? Heh heh..." The audience was never so quiet up until now. "Geez, tough croud tonight. Hey, speaking of tough, anyone here try and get a library card lately? I think that librarian leopard was lying about that blood test... Ouch! The stuff ya got to do to get to all the tasty bookworms I've been hearing of! Hee hee! Get it? I eat bugs? Bookworms? Speaking of taste, I'm staying at a fancy hotel right now, and when asked for what kind of room I wanted, I told them I had simple tastes: GIMME THE BEST! Ya hear that!? HA HA HA! Oy, the food in there! It's so bad, even the Hyenas won't eat it. One fella told me he hadn't had a bite the whole time he's been there, so I bit him! Get it? A 'bite'? Would it help if I told you he was a software tycoon? Then the joke would REALLY *byte*! G'ha ha ha! Woo hoo hoo... Hey, speaking of grub: a beetle, a worm, and an insurance saleskat walk into a bar..." "LET'S HEAR IT FOR TIMON!" Rindimo quickly interrupted. The crowd put down their rotten fruit, and gave a mediocre applause to the insulted meerkat. "WHAT!? That's one of my best jokes! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE??!?!? Who's in charge here!!?? I want to speak to my lawyer!!!" "We'll thankfully be right back after these messages from our sponsors!" Rindimo quickly interjected, while the meerkat began to pitch a fit. **** A wildebeest appears, along with a sunset in the pridelands for the setting. An old lioness sprints with surprising speed, and tackles the unsuspecting wildebeest with all the skill and experience associated with a mighty huntress. But when she tries to deliver a suffocating, and bone-crunching bite to the neck of the animal, the wildebeest suddenly twists away-- taking the lioness' teeth with it! "Aw, CWAP!" Sarabi cursed as she ran after her prey. Finally, the fatigue of old age catches up with her, and she's forced to walk the rest of the distance in hopes to retrieve her false teeth. As she walks, she acknowledges the camera's existance. "Hi. Mah name's Sawabi. Ah used ta have dis pwobwem all da tahm wit muh dendures." The dentures are found, and she blows the dust off of them with her fluttering lips. Quickly, she produces a small container, and sprinkles some powder on her teeth before putting them back into her mouth. "But thanks to Dentu-dirt , I'm able to have the grip my real teeth once had on any weak, or sickly creature I desired to rip to shreds! Look and see for yourself!" Sarabi grabs a zebra leg that was lying out of sight of the camera, and promptly sinks her maw into its bloody flesh. After a few growls and attempts, she not only tears a hunk of meat off the carrion, but snaps the femur of the dead animal with it. "See?" She asks as she licks the blood off her face. "Thanks, Dentu-Dirt! And for those of you searching for a good denture cleaner to get rid of smoking stains-- like you, *Sarafina*-- There's Dentu-Dirt's Dentu-Cremate. And when you're out there buying your Dentu-dirt, don't forget to register for our Bingo contest, where we will fly the winner, and a friend to the bingo capital of the savannah: The Elephant Gameyard!" **** With the finishing of a rather frightening duet of Sonny and Cher's song, "I Got You, Babe," Rindimo and Rafiki went back to their respective places, and the intermission came to a close. "And finally Ladies and Gentlemen," Rindimo happily chirped, "to close tonight's show, we present you the musical talents of the group Scar and the Hyenas. They've just released a new album they call, "Interpret THIS Gesture, Pal!" And we're going to hear their hit from that album entitled, "Die, Simba, DIE!" here they are: Shenzi playing the keyboard, Bonzai with his stratocaster, Ed on the drums, and Scar doing the vocals!" Dressed in black leather and chains, the quartet walks onto the stage with some of the most interesting hairdos a heavy metal group has ever possessed. There were body piercings everywhere... They started off softly, and all too quickly jacked up the noise, the reverb, and the vulgarity: I once was happy, I had a life. I had a kingdom, and one hot wife. But it changed one day, When this cub comes 'round. I was stepped on, beat up, and thrown away, My carcass crumpled to the ground. YOU LIVE, YOU DIE! YOU BREATHE, YOU DIE! YOU KILL, YOU DIE! YOU MATE, YOU DIE! YOU PEE, YOU DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!! *DIE* SIMBA, YOU B@$^@#%! DIE!!!! YOU SNEEZE, YOU DIE! YOU EAT, YOU DIE! YOU MATE MATE MATE, YOU DIE DIE DIE! YOU SNORE, YOU DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!! *DIE* SIMBA, YOU B@$^@#%! DIE! YOU PLAY GOLF, YOU DIE! YOU READ BOOKS, YOU DIE! YOU DO YOUR TAXES, YOU DIE! YOU MATE SOME MORE, YOU DIE! YOU WALK AND CHEW BUBBLE GUM, YOU DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!! *DIE* SIMBA, YOU B@$^@#%! DIE! S#!^!!!!! F*@$!!!! D@MMIT! A$$!! B@$^@#%!! B!^@#!!! _/*DIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!*\_ Scar and the others finished with their convulsive, gyrative movement of their appendages, wiped the sweat from their bodies, and proceeded to fling it onto the audience. Zira happily ran ahead of Rindimo, and hopped into Scar's arms. Vigorously, he ran his tongue across her face. "Uh, Thanks for that entertainment, Scar. I'd shake your hand, but I don't know where you've been prior to this show. I suppose all that language was to appeal to our younger viewers... WELL! That's all the time we have for tonight's show! I bid everyone out there in the pridelands a goodnight-- some better than others-- and recommend you just say 'NO!' to drugs, unless you need them for medicinal purposes. Goodnight everybody!" The End. -Rindimo Cheetah (SkratKat@Yahoo.com) +Founder, and only member of L.O.S.T.-- C.A.U.S.E (League Of Simplistic Technology-- Creating All Unforeseen Solutions Evident) +FCOS Lost & Found Clerk ICQ # : 12915153 +Amateur Artist/Writer/Musician AOL IM : Rindimo1 +Bachelor <=( Webpage: http://www.lionking.org/~rindimo/index.shtml + Monorable Member of the Pride Keepers. "One thing nothing can destroy, is our pride deep inside we are one!" ********************************************************************* Well don't stop. Whatever you do, don't stop. Because as soon as you stop, you're forgotten. - Mageuzi *********************************************************************