[Ground rules: Unless stated otherwise, the host and contestants are the only ones on-camera. All other speakers are voice-overs. The host is fair and only calls on contestants when they buzz in, so I won't bother with saying who buzzes in when -- you can figure it out. Jeopardy is copyrighted, probably by Merv Griffin Enterprises, and of course the characters of the Lion King are copyrighted by Disney. This script is not intended as an infringement on either copyright.] [Long shot of the stage.] Rafiki: From Hollywood, dis is Jeopardy! [start music] Now entering de studio: he's an irate lion determined to take over his brudder's assets -- Scar! [Scar enters and leans against his podium. Cut to a medium shot of him. The monitor on the podium has "Taka" written in cursive, crossed out, and "SCAR" printed in a different handwriting underneath.] Scar: That's TAKA! Rafiki: He's the current king of de Pride Lands and Scar's brudder of whom I was just speaking -- King Mufasa! [Mufasa enters and leans against his podium.] Rafiki: He's a wise-guy from de jungle, wit a problem-free philosophy -- Timon! [Timon enters and disappears behind his podium.] Timon: Hey, what's goin' on, here? [Cut to a side shot of the podium, so that Timon is visible. Young Nala enters, wearing a headset and pushing a high stool. She puts it behind Timon's podium.] Timon: Thanks, kid. [Cut to a closeup of the two. Young Nala, her face six inches away from Timon's, smiles. The light glistens off her sharp teeth.] Nala: You're welcome. Timon: Okay, okay, now get out of here. You're freakin' me out. [Nala exits. Timon scrambles up on his stool.] Timon: Lions...oy! [Timon looks to his right. Scar and Mufasa look back at him and smile.] Timon: AAAAAAaaaagh! Oh, it's you guys. Don't ever do that again! Rafiki: Ahem... and now here's de host of Jeopardy, Zazu! [Cut to the long shot of the stage. Zazu flies in from the camera's right and perches on his podium.] Zazu: Thank you, Rafiki. Well, it looks as though we've quite a celebrity on our show tonight. Timon: Oh, come on, I'm not THAT popular... Zazu: It's great to have you here, Your Majesty. Mufasa: Well, it's great to be here. And call me Mufasa. [Timon's jaw drops. Scar grumbles.] Zazu: Well, we've wasted enough time already. Let's take a look at our Jeopardy categories, shall we? They are: Acronyms, Biology, Chemistry, Rhyme Time, Canines -- Scar and Mufasa: WHAT?! Zazu: Sorry, we had to do that to be fair to Timon. Timon [smugly]: Anh, what can I say? Zazu: And finally, Potpourri. Plus, there is one Daily Double in this round. All right, let's get started. Mufasa, you won the coin toss, so please select a category. Mufasa: I'll take Acronyms for 100, Zazu. Zazu: The answer there: CAPS. Yes, Scar? Scar: What is the abbreviation for Computer Animation Production System. And it's TAKA! Sarabi: For the purposes of this program, the name of the first contestant will be Scar. Scar: Who is that? Zazu: She's the judge. Well, though Taka is the wrong name, it's the correct abbreviation, SCAR. All right, select. Scar: [grumbles] Potpourri for 100. Zazu: Everything the light touches. Mufasa? Mufasa: What is my kingdom. Zazu: Right. Select. Mufasa: Let's try Rhyme Time for 100. Zazu: A takeover which is not fake. [Slight pause.] Scar? Scar: What is a true coup. Zazu: Correct. Scar: Potpourri for 200. Zazu: These are often served as the gourmet food, escargots. Timon? Timon: Snails. Mufasa: Ew... Sarabi: Form of a question, please. Timon: Oh, sorry. Ahem, "What are snails?" Zazu: Hideous, but right. Select. Timon: Canines for 100. Zazu: Canines are digitigrade, meaning they walk on these. Scar? Scar: What are toes? Zazu: Right. Go on. Scar: Um... let's try Biology for 100. Zazu: Animals which are not herbivores. Mufasa? Mufasa: What is smart? Zazu: Sorry. Timon? Timon: What are carnivores...oy! Zazu: Select. Timon: Potpourri for 300. Zazu: He said, "I don't like to make sequels to my pictures. I like to take a new thing and develop something...a new concept." Scar? Scar: Who was Walt Disney. Zazu: That's right. Go ahead. Scar: Potpourri for 400. Zazu: A type of gene that produces its effect despite what it's paired with. Scar? Scar: What is dominant. Zazu: Mm-hmm. Scar: Potpourri for 500. Zazu: Released in 1990, this is Walt Disney Pictures' first official sequel. [Pause, then out-of-time signal.] No one? What is "The Rescuers Down Under." And that finishes Potpourri. Pick a new cateogry, Scar. Scar: Let's take Chemistry for 100. Zazu: This Polish chemist and her French husband studied radioactivity. Scar? Scar: Who was Marie Curie? Zazu: Right. Scar: Chemistry for 200. Zazu: Not polonium, but the other element the Curies discovered. Timon? Timon: What is curium. My gosh, I can't believe I knew that! Zazu: Neither can I, because it's not curium. Scar? Scar: What is radium. Zazu: That's right. Select. Scar: Chemistry for 300. Zazu: The chemical symbol for radium. Scar? Scar: What's R-a. For 400. Zazu: Righ-- ahem, right. Er, the atomic number of radium. Scar? Scar: What's 88. Now 500! Zazu: Yes. The atomic mass of radium. Scar... Scar: What is 226. Zazu: Correct. And that wraps up Chemistry. [Cut to a shot of all three contestants. Mufasa and Timon have their mouths gaping open. Timon finally closes his.] Timon: Did I miss something?! Zazu: Yes, I'd say about fifteen hundred dollars. Mufasa [to Scar]: How on earth did you know all that? Scar: The Elephant Graveyard. You wouldn't believe the number of chemical experiments that can be performed over there. Especially with radioactivity. You know those mysterious green lights? How do you think we make those? Electricity? Lava? Goodness, no! We concentrate the light from decaying radium with parabolic lenses. Zazu: Perhaps you'd like to take this opportunity to plug your new book. Scar: Marvelous idea! [Pulls book out of podium and holds up to the camera. It features a picture of an elephant skull inside a chemical flask.] It's "Graveyard Chemistry," by [glaring at Zazu] *TAKA*, retail $45.99, ISBN 0-825-27227-0, 559 pages, Elephant Graveyard Press. Now on sale in bookstores everywhere! Mufasa: And the bit about the genes? Scar: I'm also a master at genetics. "Graveyard Genetics" is still in the works. But our viewers can still buy "Graveyard Chemistry." Oh, and "Graveyard Physics"! Remember those pillars of rock that rise up? Mufasa: Oh, no. Don't tell me... Scar: Hydraulics all the way. You should see the compressor we have! It's a sight! There's a whole chapter of "Graveyard Physics" devoted to it. Buy it! Zazu: Thank you for showing us that you have no shame. Scar: My pleasure. [to the camera] Go buy them right now! Zazu: Well, for our viewers who already have your masterworks... select a category. Scar: Oh, yes. Biology for 200. Zazu: The answer there: Timon, for one. [Pause.] Timon: You people disgust me! Zazu: Timon? Timon: What is a meerkat? Zazu: Right. Well, that's the middle of the round. Let's see how we're doing. Scar, you're way in the lead with $2500, then Timon with $300, and finally Mufasa with nothing. We'll be right back after this. [Commercial break.] Zazu: We're back, and Timon has control. Go ahead. Timon: All rightee, let's take Canines for 200. Zazu: Its Latin name is Canis Lupus. Scar? Scar: What is a wolf. Zazu: Right. Scar: Um, Biology for 300. Zazu: A feeding order in which energy is transferred from one organism to another. Mufasa? Mufasa: What is the food chain? Zazu: That's correct. Mufasa: Let's try Acronyms for 200. Zazu: RotPL. Timon? Timon: What is the abbreviation for Rolls on the Place, Laughing? Zazu: Sorry. Mufasa? Mufasa: What is the acronym for Rhythm of the Pride Lands. Zazu: Right. Mufasa: Acronyms for 300. Zazu: CAV LD. [Slight pause.] Scar? Scar: Constant Angular Velocity LaserDisc. Sarabi: Form of a question. Scar: Oh, how could I forget? What is the acronym for a Constant Angular Velocity LaserDisc? Zazu: Correct. Scar: Biology for 400. Zazu: We are all connected in this. Scar? Scar: What is the telephone network? Zazu: Good guess, but wrong. Mufasa? Mufasa: What is the great Circle of Life? Zazu: That's right. Mufasa: Biology for 500. Zazu: The answer: Good question. Timon? Timon: Eh, how much wood would a woodchuck -- Zazu [interrupting]: Wrong. Mufasa? Mufasa: Who is Nala's father? Zazu: That's right, and that finishes Biology. Only three categories left. Mufasa: Let's take Rhyme Time for 200. Zazu: A royally ordered rush of animals. Mufasa? Mufasa: What is a decreed stampede? Zazu: Correct. Scar: I object! Mufasa, being royalty, has an unfair advantage with that answer! Sarabi: Do you want your $1500 from Chemistry to count? Scar: Er, um... yes. Okay, I un-object. Zazu: Good. Select, Mufasa. Mufasa: Rhyme Time for 300. Zazu: Ordinary hair on a lion's head. Scar? Scar: What is a plain mane? Zazu: Go ahead. Scar: Canines for 300. Zazu: These are very small dogs, kept as pets. Scar? Scar: What are toys? Zazu: That's it. Scar: Canines for 400. Zazu: This is the only member of the dog family that cannot breed with other species. Timon? Timon: What is a fox? Zazu: Why, that's right! Mufasa: How did you know that? Timon: My brother knows a guy. Canines for 500! Zazu: The answer there... the Daily Double! Timon: All right! Zazu: You have... no money. How much do you want to wager? Timon: I'm feeling confident. Let's go for $1000. Zazu: All right, for $1000, here is the answer: Often abbreviated A.K.C., this organization is responsible for dog registration. Timon [going into shock]: Ah-hah... Uh-heh-ha... Wa-ha... Wha- What is... the... Association... of... K- K- Kentucky... Canines? Zazu: Hmm... that is incorrect. Timon: Aaagh! Zazu: The correct question: "What is the American Kennel Club." Well, go ahead, Timon. Timon [trying to recover his emotions]: Um, okay... how about Rhyme Time for 400? Zazu: How about it. A thoroughly tested group of lions. Mufasa? Mufasa: What is a tried pride. Zazu: Select. Mufasa: Rhyme Time for 500. Zazu: To Simba, Nala is this. Mufasa? Mufasa: What is a great mate? [Cut to Young Simba, in the Pride Lands.] Simba: Eww! Zazu [voice-over]: What's going on? Why did we cut to him? [Simba's eyes open wide and blink with surprise. Cut to Zazu.] Zazu: We weren't supposed to go to him yet! Who's directing up there? Shenzi: That would be me. Zazu: So then I suppose Banzai is producing. Banzai: You got it. Zazu: And Ed is... what's Ed doing? Shenzi: He's on camera two. See? [The cameras point at each other, and we see Ed behind one camera, then Sarafina behind another.] Zazu: So then who's running the remote camera? Shenzi: We have Pumbaa on that. Timon: All right! Pumbaa, moving up in the world! Zazu: That's enough! That's enough interruption! Now where were we? Sarabi: Mufasa had just gotten Rhyme Time for 500 correct. Zazu: Oh, that's right. Thank you. So that's the end of Rhyme Time. Only one category left! Mufasa: Acronyms for 400, then. Zazu: WDR. Scar? Scar: What is the acronym for Walt Disney Records. Zazu: Right. And the final answer: TLKiaWoL. [Pause.] Timon? Timon: What is the acronym for... The Lion King... is a... Warthog or... Lemur? Zazu: Mufasa? Timon: Dang! Mufasa: What is the acronym for The Lion King is a Way of Life. Zazu: That's right. So that finishes the round. Scar is still in the lead with $3600, then Mufasa, quite a round for you, coming up from behind with $3000, and Timon, I think that Daily Double really hit you hard, Timon: I know. Zazu: -$1500. Our Final Jeopardy category: Geography. We'll be back right after this. [Commercial break.] Zazu: Okay, it's time now for Final Jeopardy, and here's the answer: "Within ten feet, the height of Pride Rock, right now." Good luck. [Music: Doo-doo-doo-doo... The lights dim, and the contestants scribble out their questions. Timon tries to look at Mufasa's board, but Mufasa notices and growls at him. Doo, doo-doo doo, doo, doo, doo. Bum-bum.] Zazu: All right, let's see what we have. Scar, you wrote "What is two hundred meters?" I'm sorry, but you're in the United States now, and we're not metric. [to the production booth] Can we accept that? Sarabi: We can. The answer did not explicitly specify non-metric units. Zazu: So how many feet is that? Sarabi: About 656. Zazu: And now let's find out the correct question. [Cut back to Simba, now standing next to a theodolite and holding a clipboard. Pride Rock is in the background.] Zazu: Can you hear me, Simba? Simba: Loud and clear, banana beak. Zazu: All right, fuzzy, so what's the height? Simba: The current height of Pride Rock is 681 feet. [Pride Rock starts to shrink behind Simba. He turns around quickly, and it immediately stops. Cut back to Zazu.] Zazu: So, sorry, Scar, but that is not within ten feet. How much did you wager? $500. So that takes you down to $3100. Now let's go to Mufasa. You said, "What is 700 ft.?" That's incorrect, too, I'm afraid to say. Your wager: nothing. Wise move. [Mufasa smiles and nods.] Zazu: Now let's go to Timon. Timon [apathetically]: Agh, let's not. Zazu: Now come on. Let's look at what you had. "What is 680 feet?" That's right! Timon: It is? I mean, [in a deeper voice] of course it is! Zazu: How much did you wager on that? $1500. So, that takes you up to-- nothing. Timon: Hurrah. Do I get the home game? Zazu: What the heck, sure, let's give you one. So, that's the end of our show, with Scar winning by a nuzzle with $3100, then Mufasa with $3000, and Timon with... the home game. Thanks for watching, and good night. [Roll credits.] Rafiki: Dis is Rafiki speaking. Jeopardy is a production of Anti-Canon Enterprises and is distributed by Usenet News. FDC Audio Engineer TLKMuck Mzaha -- --------------------| __ _|------------ | | / |Jason Knight Trust authority. |, |< | jdk10 |\__/ \_|@po.cwru.edu