What other churches are out there that not only promote shallow materialism, but actually provide an on-line shop so that the members can partake of their lust for merchandise? What other churches accept not ONE but THREE major credit cards (including Banco Savannah)? First Church Holiday Gift Sale ------------------------------ Just because the First Church of Simba doesn't have any nationally recognized religious holidays doesn't mean we can't celebrate the holidays of OTHER religions, and Christmas is no exception. We'd like to have mailed each of our members a large bouquet of festive catnip, but our lawyers persuaded us otherwise. It is with great pride (and some relief) that we announce the First Church Holiday Gift Sale. All of these items have been carefully packaged by our First Church artisans, and are priced to make your festive season jolly! FIRST CHURCH GREETING CARDS ----- ------ -------- ----- Christmas just isn't Christmas to the FCOS faithful without your First Church festive greeting cards. Each card measures 15x21 centimetres (unfolded), and is made from over 50% durable, recyclable card stock. A reasonably inspirational message inside every card bids general greetings for a variety of occasions, and the front is adorned with a colorful, hand-drawn interpretation of Simba. The back of the card is conveniently blank to allow you to include your own personal message, and the cards are available in a wide range of greys to suit ANY mood. Special Christmas price: a paltry $12.95 per box of 5. SACRED ORNAMENTS ------ --------- Tired of the usual boring popcorn strings and candy canes on the Christmas tree? Now you can adorn the Yule shrub with colorful, inspirational First Church tree ornaments. Each hand-cut, light-weight styrofoam ornament is stencilled with a different word from the First Church Sacred Texts. The magenta text, strikingly contrasted against a cyan background, shouts out sacred inspiration - regardless of which open flame you hang it well away from! Hang the words in the order of the texts, or hang them in ANY order to create your own custom interpretations of the sacred writings! You won't be at a loss for words at a mere $1.96 per ornament. FIRST CHURCH "NATIVITY" SCENE ----- ------ ---------- ----- Decorate your home this holiday with this lovely pop-up cardboard "nativity" scene depicting the birth (minus the messy bits) and presentation of Simba. Guaranteed to liven any room for Christmas! Your friends and family will marvel at this beautiful, hand-painted diorama. Measuring approximately 1.071x2.362x.973 metres, and requiring only a few hours of assembly, it will quickly become a household tradition, and will be an enduring centre of inspiration in any room for years to come. Quantities are limited so you'll want to get your order in early. The price is nice too at $69.95. Nativity characters, wall struts and nail gun sold separately. FIRST CHURCH "EGG" NOG MIX -------------------------- Christmas just isn't Christmas until you've pounded back your first cup of eggnog, and we at the First Church are strong believers in strange traditions. Now you can enjoy "egg" nog ANY time with our new First Church powdered "egg" nog concentrate. Made from only the freshest chemicals, and containing less than fifty percent preservatives by volume, this powdered confection is guaranteed to add levity to ANY holiday gathering. Even better, a little goes a long way! Just mix one part First Church nog mix with fourteen parts water in any non-plastic container, stir, chill, stir, stir and serve. Mix it with our special holiday-edition First Church fortified sacramental wine for a real holiday one-two punch. You'll really drink up the price, too, at a meager $19.69/box. FIRST CHURCH TRADITIONAL YULE LOGS ---------------------------------- What kind of Lion King Christmas would it be without a "roaring" fire in the hearth? For the first time this season we are offering the First Church traditional Yule log. Each log is made from a genuine, layered wood-like material and stamped with the First Church logo. Our special patented chemical treatment ensures that each log will burn for hours in any well-ventilated room, adding that special Christmas touch. Sit by the fire with your special other, or Nala plushie and enjoy the warmth while you share a steaming mug of mulled sacramental wine with the one you love most. First Church Yule logs are also available in a variety of scents, including such traditional favourites as frankincense, myrrh, charred Santa and wood. Burn times and scents may vary with use. You won't get burnt by the price at a mere $17.49 each. FIRST CHURCH CHRISTMAS COOKIES ------------------------------ Our First Church bakers made WAY too many of these cookies for Yom Kippur, so now we're clearing out the inventory for Christmas and passing along the savings to you! Newly dyed in traditional red and green for the holiday, these "short-bread" cookies are a delicious accessory to the festive season. The cookies are die-cut into African inspired shapes and individually shrink-wrapped in genuine polyurethane packets to ensure lasting freshness. Makes a perfect tree decoration or stocking stuffer, and the fortune slip inside each cookie provides a traditional Yom Kippurish greeting from the context of the Book of Simba (just substitue "Christmas" where appropriate). Enjoy them with a coffee, or share them with your non-tropical- oils-intolerant friends or family. You won't feel like a crumb when you see the price at a paltry $.67 each.