Danny "Simba" Palic requested this. I'm also sending this to Ryan because he still has 2.3 on Ryan's Lion (what, the freeway scene wasn't good enough for ya?). So, here. Introduction Welcome to an all-new version of my magnum opus, "Super Stress Day," first released on the two-year anniversary of the event it celebrates. Many have enjoyed past versions, and I hope this has an even greater effect. I should warn you now that most of the humor here takes the form of "in-jokes" that would fly right over the heads of the general public. Unless you already have a good idea of how CAPS (the Computerized Animation Production System) works, I suggest that you read question and answer #7 of the rec.arts.disney FAQ, at ftp://rtfm.mit.edu/pub/usenet/news.answers/disney-faq/parks . If you haven't already done so, you should also read all of Brian Tiemann's Lion King FAQ at http://www.lionking.org/text/faq . With those two resources, you should fully appreciate the vast majority of the humor. Oh, having seen the movie would help, too. :-) In this story, each character from "The Lion King" plays the part of a Disney Animation employee. I'll make it clear who's who the first time I introduce each character, so it shouldn't be too hard to keep track. Some of them play specific people (say, Andy Gaskill), while others play less-specific roles (such as the art director). I'll always identify each character in the notes (between the square brackets) and the tag at each of his or her lines ("Mufasa: ...") with the animal, film character name. The characters will also address themselves in this manner, EXCEPT when the addressee's human part is a specific person, in which case that name will be used. I apologize for any confusion this creates but think this is the most effective way to write it. Needless to say, this screenplay is nothing more than the transcription of a "mental movie" I have. I imagined it would be produced as a fully-animated film. However, producing it with animated characters in a live-action setting (in the spirit of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit") would be a viable alternative. Whatever the method, the characters are hardly any more anthromorphic than they are in the original movie-- for example, Timon, Zazu, and Rafiki are the only characters who do not walk on all fours. Please, don't be afraid to give me feedback on this work. Positive responses are what keep me writing, but negative ones keep me writing WELL. Not only do I welcome comments about it, but if you have any suggestions about how to make it better, please, suggest away! If I like your idea and use it, I'll give you an "Edited by" credit! Of course, due to its nature (periodic revisions), if there's any Lion-King-based fan fiction that can benefit from suggestions, it's this one. So send your comments in! (Please note that I'll assume I have your permission to quote you, unless you tell me otherwise.) As I imagine it, "Super Stress Day" would only be about 23 minutes long if it were actually shot, not counting the opening titles and most of the end titles, which would roll over an otherwise blank screen. Still, I've wanted to write a trailer for it for months. In the spirit of most movie trailers, it uses only footage from the full-length version (well, one scene is an obvious exception). Unlike most trailers, however, I've tried to STOP it from giving away all the good jokes. I feel it's safe to read even for those who haven't read SSD. Still, if you want to play it safe, I understand. You can just skip ahead to the beginning of the next reel, where we'll pick up the start of our feature presentation. Also in the spirit of most trailers, the editing on this one has to be razor-sharp and lightning-quick. Except in the narration scenes, I wouldn't want one frame left in that could have been cut out. To reduce my work, and yours, whenever I cut back to a character in the place we last saw him or her, I won't specify the place again. And now, thread the projector, dim those house lights, and let's roll the trailer! [Green MPAA leader.] The following PREVIEW would be approved for ALL AUDIENCES by the Motion Picture Association of America [Anti-Canon Enterprises logo. Fade in on the control booth of a recording studio. Mufasa the narrator is sitting alone at the console, speaking calmly to the camera. There's a digital clock in the background, counting down the time left in the trailer by each tenth of a second. It starts at 1:19.7.] Mufasa: As you probably know, I just love stories. I used to tell them to my son, Simba, all the time. Stories about the great kings of the past and the unusual creatures we've encountered in the Pride Lands. But this one is different. This is the story about a major motion picture company, trying to complete its biggest project to date-- [Cut to Pumbaa, freaking out in an office.] Pumbaa: THE PREMIERE'S TODAY?!? [Cut to Mufasa the narrator.] Mufasa: --in the final hours-- [Cut to Rafiki, at his desk, talking to Mufasa.] Rafiki: ...two days... [Cut to Adult Simba, talking to Sarabi at her cubicle.] Simba: ...about two hours! [Cut to Sarafina, talking to Simba at the front counter of DigiFilm, a small storefront business.] Sarafina: ...eighty-eight minutes... [Cut to Adult Simba in the CAPS computer office.] Simba: ...an hour! [Cut to Banzai, in a projection booth.] Banzai: ...less than an hour to go... [Cut to Shenzi, behind a desk in a window office, talking on the phone.] Shenzi: Forty-six and a half minutes? [Cut to Simba and Sarafina at the counter of DigiFilm.] Simba: ...twenty-four minutes... [Cut to Shenzi in the window office.] Shenzi: Seventeen minutes?! [Cut to Sarafina at DigiFilm.] Sarafina: ...about five minutes. [Cut to Mufasa the narrator.] Mufasa: --before the world premiere. Of course, things don't exactly go off without a hitch. [Cut to Timon in an office, seated at a grand piano. He's taking a piece of paper off Pumbaa's tusk.] Timon: Why don't you just keep me waiting LONGER for gosh sake? [Cut to Nala's cubicle, with her and Ed.] Nala: But why do you want ME to do it? I'm just a background painter. [Cut to Mufasa and Zazu in the control booth. Scar's in the other half with the microphone. Scar is looking irritated.] Zazu: I can't seem to get anything in the 300 Hz area. [Cut to Shenzi in the window office.] Shenzi: What do you mean the rest is still being mastered? [Cut to Sarabi's cubicle. Simba's paying a visit. As she swivels in her chair to face him, she knocks over a mug of coffee, onto a stack of paper.] Sarabi: OH NO!! Simba: Oh, that's just great. [Cut to Mufasa and Ed in a fancy board room lined with storyboards.] Mufasa: What abou-- Holy Toledo! They slipped my mind months ago! [Cut to the CAPS room, with Simba and Nala.] Nala: Pretty rough day, huh? Simba: You have no idea. [Cut to Timon's office. He's talking to Zazu, who's in the doorway.] Timon: Whadda ya mean Hans is unavailable? [Cut to Mufasa the narrator.] Mufasa: There are a few snags here and there. [Cut to Pumbaa in his office, holding a sheet of paper and looking at the clock.] Pumbaa: BUT IT'LL HAVE TO DO!! [Cut to Simba and Ed in the CAPS office.] Simba: B-- But the Solitaire CAN'T be broken! [Cut to Banzai in a projection booth, looking out of the window at the audience.] Banzai: We must be showing SOMETHING. So what's the holdup? [Cut to Shenzi in the window office.] Shenzi: Well, what is that guy DOING down there? [Cut to the CAPS office. Simba just stares into space with a dopey grin for a few seconds.] [Cut to Timon and Pumbaa, standing in a parking lot, yelling after a car that's driving away.] Timon: Stop! Pumbaa: Wait! [Cut to Mufasa, Zazu, and Scar in the studio.] Scar [raspy]: I can't do this any more. I've lost my voice. [Cut to Timon's office, with him and Zazu.] Timon: But I just can't take this pressure! [Cut to Mufasa the narrator.] Mufasa: But you know what? Everything works out all right in the end. [Cut to the audio editing room. A tape deck is spilling its tape in the background, and Zazu is holding up his headphones from his eyes, looking at it in shock.] Zazu: AAAAAAAAAAAA! [Cut to Scar in the recording studio, leaping toward Zazu. His head hits the microphone, causing a "thud" to be heard in the control room. Scar's balance is thrown off and he hits the floor, out of sight of the camera.] [Cut to Banzai in the projection booth, reading a magazine. A reel of film rolls across the frame and catches his attention.] [Cut to Simba and Sarafina at DigiFilm. Out the front window a big cardboard box filled with about thirty reels of audio tape falls from the sky and crashes on the sidewalk. A few reels come close, but none of them fall out of the box.] [Cut to Mufasa the narrator.] Mufasa: Trust me. [Fade out, then fade in on the Super Stress Day logo. Cue mark (one of those black circles in the upper-right corner of the screen). Fade out, and back in on the board room, with Mufasa and Ed.] Mufasa: Hmmm... now that you mention it, that WOULD make a snappy trailer. [Cut to Adult Simba and Nala in the CAPS office.] Simba: I've been working on this film too long. Nala: Haven't we all. [Fade out, and fade in on the card of all the credits at once. Fade out. Cue mark. Next reel.] Fade in on a close-up of a digital alarm clock radio, sharing a nightstand with a copy of Shakespeare's "Hamlet." The clock changes from 5:59 to 6:00 a.m.] Radio voice: ...to the Morning Show on KLFA, 99.4 FM. I'm Mike Bingham and with me as always is Melanie Sears. Melanie: Well, it looks like partly cloudy skies over the L.A. area today and tomorrow, highs in the 70s, and 60s near the coast. And this is the big night down at the El Capitan. It's the world premiere of-- [Click. A paw lands on the clock and turns it off. Cut to a shot of Mufasa and Sarabi in bed, in a suburban house.] Mufasa: (yawn) What day is it? Sarabi: The fifteenth. Mufasa: Hey, then there's just a month left until our premiere! Sarabi: Mm-hmm. [pause] Wait a minute. That doesn't sound right. July 15th? Isn't that a Friday? Mufasa: I think so, why? Shouldn't it be? Let me double-check. [Mufasa gets up and looks at an at-a-glance calendar, hanging on the wall next to a print of M.C. Escher's painting, "Drawing Hands." He looks at Sarabi. Cut to a close-up of his face.] Mufasa: Great Scott! [Cut to black. Roll opening titles to "Help" by the Beatles.] Anti-Canon Enterprises presents Super Stress Day 3.0 or The Myth of The Lion King or A Matter of Time or Six Hours, 88 Minutes or Not the Making of The Lion King Burbank, California Wednesday, June 15th, 1994 3:00 p.m. [Fade in on a digital LED clock, counting down each tenth of a second. It currently reads "5:59:58.4." Above the numbers, in small white letters, it says "TIME REMAINING UNTIL PREMIERE." Zoom out and pan slightly, keeping the clock in the shot, to reveal the control room of a recording studio. Zazu, the audio engineer, and Mufasa, the director, are seated at the console. There are reel-to-reel tape decks behind them. Visible through a window is the business half of the studio (where the microphone is). Also visible is Scar, or Jeremy Irons, behind the mic. When Mufasa and Zazu speak to Scar, they have to hold down a button on the console. Zazu is fiddling with knobs and slide switches. The door opens, and Rafiki, the effects animator, takes a few steps in.] Rafiki: Excuse me, Mufasa, but de animators can't find de whisker specs anywhere. Do you know where dey are? Mufasa: The whisk-- shoot! I took those home yesterday to review, and I left them in my den! Um, I guess those guys will have to use their best judgement instead. Rafiki: Well, dey won't be happy to hear dat, but all right. Bye! [Exits and closes the door.] Mufasa [pushing a button on the console]: That was pretty good, Jeremy, but I think we can still do better. I don't think you're putting enough of your character into your performance. Remember who you are! Zazu [pushing another button]: Yes, and I'm still having trouble with this equalization... I can't seem to get anything in the 300 Hz area. One would think-- Scar: Shut up. Zazu [not even realizing Scar spoke]: -- that this company's studios would have fantastic acoustics-- Scar [growing irritated]: Let's get on with this. Zazu: -- but I refuse to attribute this to a component failure-- [Scar becomes so enraged that he forgets about the window. Claws extended, he charges toward Zazu. His head hits the microphone, causing a "thud" to be heard in the control room. Scar's balance is thrown off and he hits the floor, out of sight of the camera.] Mufasa: Now you're getting into the spirit! Scar: Oh goody... [The camera moves past a few walls to the office of Pumbaa, or Tim Rice. The door is in the shot and open, and the clock is at 5:19:18.0. Pumbaa is sitting at a desk, talking on the phone, with a pencil and a piece of paper in front of him.] Pumbaa: Yes, Mr. Finch-- what? Okay. Yes, *Chris*, I can guarantee that those are the final lyrics to "Can You Feel the Love Tonight." That's right. Okay, bye-bye. Mm-hmm, right, no more changes. [hangs up] ...I hope. [Zazu flies down the hall past the office door. Pumbaa watches out the door.] Zazu: This is crazy! [Shenzi runs down in the opposite direction.] Shenzi: I'm so underpaid.... [Mufasa runs by.] Mufasa: This is terrible! I'm as good as DEAD! Pumbaa: Gee, people sure seem to be in a hurry today. Is something special going on? [Cut to a shot from the ceiling of Pumbaa looking up at the clock.] Pumbaa: And why is the clock running backwards? Should I call someone to have it fixed? And what's that say... hmmm... "time remaining... until... premiere." Oh, yeah, I remember, the premiere's today. [slight pause] THE PREMIERE'S TODAY?!?! [Cut back to a normal shot. Pumbaa picks up the paper to look it over.] Pumbaa: From the day we arrive on the planet, humm humm humm, more to see than can ever be seen, humm humm, far too much to take in, humm humm... Well, that doesn't really relate to the Circle of Life... [checks the clock again] ...BUT IT'LL HAVE TO DO!! [Pumbaa sticks the paper on one of his tusks and runs on all fours down the hall to the next office, Timon's or Elton John's. The camera follows him. The walls of Timon's office are covered with the clock and one hundred three gold records. Timon is waiting on a bench in front of a grand piano. There are stacks of sheet music on the piano and the floor.] Pumbaa: All right! Here ya go! Timon: Boy, Tim, where have YOU been? Why don't you just keep me waiting LONGER for gosh sake? Pumbaa: Oh, sorry. [Pumbaa exits. Timon waits until Pumbaa is out of earshot.] Timon: Lyricists... oy! [Move on to the cubicle of Sarabi, the clean-up artist. She's at work on one of the final scenes. Pencils, pens, a mug filled with coffee with a picture of Simba's presentation on it, the clock (4:43:04.1), and stacks of blank and finished papers lay nearby on the desk. Adult Simba, the CAPS operator, walks up.] Simba: Can't you work faster there? Sarabi: Don't rush me, kid. You rush a clean-up, you get a messy clean-up. Defeats the purpose, don't you think? Simba: But I need it all in just two hours! Sarabi: Look, Simba... [Sarabi swivels to face Simba but knocks the mug over, onto one of the stacks of paper.] Sarabi: OH NO!! Simba: Oh, that's just great. [Simba and Sarabi try to wipe up the coffee with the fur on their arms.] Simba: Forget it, that won't help. I can't use these drawings. Sarabi: I can't do those over in time. Simba: Then we'll just have to lose the scene. Sarabi: Maybe you can find a way to scan around the coffee.... Simba: Um, think about it. If I could work miracles like that, we wouldn't need people like you. Sarabi: Oh... yeah.... Simba: What scene was this, anyway? Sarabi: Rafiki climbing Pride Rock, in the opener. Simba: Oh great! We need that! Sarabi: Can you leave it out, and edit the opener around it? Simba: I'll check with Mufasa, but I think it'll look really weird. Now please hurry up with the rest! [The camera moves back to the recording studio. Mufasa, Zazu, and Scar (now with a bandage on his forehead) are still there. Zazu is punching away at buttons, and one of the tape decks is spinning. The clock is at 4:03:12.5. Scar speaks with a raspy voice for the entirety of this scene.] Scar: I can't do this any more. I've lost my voice. Mufasa: I know you, Jeremy. You can rise above this. You only have one more line, and I KNOW you can handle it. You are more than what you have become. Scar: Oh, will you shut up with those silly sayings? If it weren't for YOU we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. Mufasa: It was an honest mistake. This is our first major summer release since "The Great Mouse Detective" in 1986, which opened in July! And it made sense to me that the premiere would be on a Friday. Scar: Life's not fair, is it? Zazu [to Mufasa]: Don't let him get to you, Sire. Mufasa: Mmm. That's easy for you to say, you who misplaced the master copy of "Warthog Rhapsody"! Zazu: (nervous chuckle) I'm sure it will turn up eventually.... Scar: I'm surrounded by idiots. Zazu: I heard that. [stops hitting buttons] All right, we're cued up. Mufasa [to Scar]: Okay, now, there was a defect on the tape the last time we did this, so we have to re-record it. Let's go. Scar: No, wait! I'm not prepared! Mufasa: Too bad, we are. [to Zazu] Roll tape. [Zazu pushes a button, and two of the tape decks in the background start to spin.] Banzai [on tape]: I thought things were bad under Mufasa. Scar: WHAT DID YOU SAY? Mufasa [waits one second]: Cut. [Zazu pushes another button, and the tapes stop.] Mufasa [to Zazu]: Do we have time for another take? Zazu: We didn't have time for that one! Mufasa [to Scar, without missing a beat]: That was perfect, Jeremy. Couldn't be better. Well, I guess that's a wrap for you. You're free to go now. Scar: Yes. Well, forgive me for not singing for joy, bad voice you know. [Move on to the CAPS computer office. A terminal and scanner are on a desk, wedged between stacks upon stacks of animators' drawings. Here the clock (3:12:30.2) appears in a "window" on screen. Simba is sitting in front of the terminal. Adult Nala, the background painter, runs in with a completed work.] Nala: Finished! Simba: Thank goodness! [looks at background] Wait a minute. Mt. Kilimanjaro isn't near Victoria Falls! Nala: It is now. Simba [looking at the clock]: How about that. So it is. [Simba hastily slams the background on the scanner. He pushes a few keys and the scanner goes to work. With nothing better to do while the scanner is running, Simba and Nala engage in conversation.] Nala: Pretty rough day, huh? Simba: You have no idea. Nala [mildly sarcastically]: Yeah, I'll bet I don't. Simba: I'm serious! This morning, I lost a chain. Nala [sympathetically]: A chain! How awful! Were you able to recover? Simba: Yeah, but I lost a frame from the fire at the end and didn't have time to remake it. Nala: And you're worried about that? No one will ever notice it! Simba: You'd be surprised. Nala [seriously]: You're right, I would. [catches a glimpse of the clock] Gee, I'd better get back to work. Oh, by the way, I'm really looking forward to this premiere, but... [whispering in Simba's ear] I'm looking forward to the time *after* it even more. [gives Simba's cheek a quick lick, turns to exit, and stops] Say, have you seen my color keys? [Simba just stares into space with a dopey grin.] Nala [firmly]: Simba.... Simba [snapping out of it]: What? Huh? Color keys? Oh, yeah, I just saw those! Where were-- Ah! I remember! Around the waterhole! Nala: The waterhole? Simba: Huh? Is that what I said? Sorry, I meant the water *cooler*. I've been working on this film too long. Nala: Haven't we all. (chuckle) [Move on to Rafiki's desk. Mufasa walks by.] Mufasa: Almost done with that milkweed effect, Rafiki? Rafiki: I'm getting dere. Check dis out! [Mufasa watches as Rafiki flips through some papers.] Mufasa: Yes, very nice. Good job. Rafiki: Didn't you see it? Mufasa: What, the milkweed? Of course I saw it. Rafiki: No. Look harder.... [flips through again] Mufasa: Wait, are those supposed to be letters? Rafiki: Mm-hmm. S-F-X! For "special effects"! Radder neat, huh? Mufasa: Oh no! Tell me that's just a joke, and the real effect's somewhere else. Rafiki: It's no joke. What's wrong wit it? Mufasa: People are going to look at that, and think it says SEX! Rafiki: Dey will? How do you know? Mufasa: Remember "The Little Mermaid" video cover? Rafiki: Oh yeah.... But it goes by too quickly here. People can't notice it. Mufasa: True, until it hits video! Rafiki: So you want me to change it? Mufasa: Change is good. Rafiki: Yeah, but it's not easy. You're lucky I started working on dis two days ago! Dere isn't time to do it over. Mufasa: Well, what CAN you do? Rafiki: I could blur de letters, perhaps. Mufasa: All right. At least that will create some doubt. I just hope it's enough. [Move on to Nala's desk. Ed drops by.] Ed: Aak oo bih doo voo? Nala: Yes, Ed. I'm almost finished with my backgrounds. Ed [ectatic]: BUH! Goo hee meh taap! Nala: Oh, what do you guys need now? Ed: Beh vuh oo gih bah meh. Nala: Buena Vista Home Video? What do they need? Ed: Eh bah fuh doo gee hah. Nala: But that doesn't make sense. The video release is months away. Why would they want a box design now? Ed: Ah kuh ek pah ih. Nala: Well, I guess I can't explain it either. But why do you want ME to do it? I'm just a background painter. I can't draw characters! Ed: Fuh dih koo meh, pah hee wih. Nala: Well, all right, if it's just preliminary, I'll see what I can come up with. But this is awfully short notice, you know. Ed: Yaah. [Move back to Timon's office. Zazu is standing in the doorway and Timon is talking to him. The clock reads 3:41:16.1.] Timon: Aw, come on! Whadda ya mean Hans is unavailable? Zazu: I'm sorry, but Mr. Zimmer is busy putting the finishing touches on the score. Timon: Who are ya anyway? Zazu: *I*, sir, am the studio's prime engineer. Timon: Oh. But Hans and I have a thing going! He arranged "Circle of Life" and "Be Prepared" and.... Look, all I need is an opening to "I Just Can't Wait to Be King." That's all that's left. If I had the extra month back I could write it, no problem. But I just can't take this pressure! Zazu: Well, sorry to bust your bubble, but Mr. Zimmer absolutely insists that he not be disturbed. [pause] Why don't you take a look at some past music we've left for you? Perhaps you'll find some... inspiration. Timon: No way I can get my Hans on this song? Zazu: No way. Timon: (sigh) All rightee.... [Zazu exits. Timon picks up a piece of sheet music from the floor.] Timon: What do we have here? "Under the Sea," from "The Little Mermaid." Music by Alan Menken. Copyright 1989. Well, I guess it's worth a try. [Timon plays the first 19 notes-- the instrumental intro.] Timon: Okay, enough of that. Let's skip to the end. [Timon flips to the end and plays the last 20 notes, the last of which is loud.] Timon: A big finish, huh? [pause] Nope, I don't like it. [Tosses music aside] Let's see... what to write.... Wait a second, I got a great idea for an opener! [Timon plays the first 18 notes of "I Just Can't Wait to Be King"-- the instrumental intro.] Timon: There's my intro! And for the closing... [Timon plays the last 17 notes, the last of which is loud.] Timon: A nice, big finish. Heh, what do you know, I *was* able to write it after all! [As Timon picks up a pencil, move on to a fancy board room. The wall facing the camera is covered with storyboards, and there's a large table in the middle of the room. Mufasa and Ed are seated at opposite ends.] Ed: Ehh guh moo ee aab? Mufasa: Yes, things seem to be coming together pretty quickly. There's even a chance we could start the premiere on time. Ed: Uh waa bau eh pah ee ay? Mufasa: The MPAA? Honestly, Ed, I'm not that concerned about Oscars right now. Ed: Eeg! Pah ee ay, guh bee fah! Mufasa: Oh, the Motion Picture Association of America. What abou-- Holy Toledo! They slipped my mind months ago! I completely forgot we were going for a G rating. This could be our first PG... or WORSE... since 1985 and the... [Without interrupting the audio track, cut to the inside of the Disney film vault. The light is dim, and there's a stack of dusty film cans labeled "THE BLACK CAULDRON-- NEVER RELEASE!" A field mouse scurries out from behind the cans and sniffs the air.] Ed: Aak kah el rah. Mufasa: [shivering] Oo-ooh. I just *hear* that name and I shudder. [Cut back to the board room.] Ed: Buh mee fuh doo buh? Mufasa: I don't know. A G seems far from likely now. I mean, LOOK at all we've put in here! [Gets up and gestures to the storyboards as he talks] Violence! Blood! More violence! Implied profanity! Implied sex! Kung Fu! Crossdressing! [pointing at the scene of Scar's demise] Murder! [at Mufasa's] Muh... ahem, Murder! [at Timon] Massive murder! Ed: Sah goo ha meh HEE HEE HEE! Mufasa: Hmmm... now that you mention it, that WOULD make a snappy trailer. BUT THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE! (sigh) Well, it's too late to edit the story for the premiere. We'll just have to keep our fingers crossed. [Ed and Mufasa try unsuccessfully to cross their paw-fingers, then exchange worried glances. Move on to a window office at Walt Disney Records. Shenzi, the W.D.R. executive, is sitting behind a large desk, talking on the phone.] Shenzi: Yes, I know. I know that.... But we have to have the soundtrack pressed and ready for sale at the premiere!... Okay, let me see here... How much of the score do we have ready?... What?!... Seventeen minutes?!... What do you mean the rest is still being mastered?... Okay, okay... All right, so do we have the seven main songs set?... Huh?... Why?... Okay then, do we have the *five* songs ready?... Good, that's a relief. What about Zazu singing to Scar?... [disappointed] Oh, great. How about the hula song?... Humph. "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"? You've gotta be kidding me. You've GOTTA. That's in mastering too?... Well, what is that guy DOING down there? [Cut to the audio editing room. Six reel-to-reel tape decks, mixers, equalizers, other audio equipment, a set of shelves, and the clock cover the walls. Four of the decks have reels of tape on them: "Young Simba/23," "Young Nala/10," "Zazu/14," and "Final/11." Other reels cover the shelves. Zazu has his back to the camera, is seated at a console, and is wearing industrial-strength headphones, which are so large relative to him that they cover not only his tiny bird-ears but also his eyes. The reels on the decks spin back and forth in a manner that appears random but is fully under Zazu's direction.] Zazu: Oy! Young Nala, Young Simba, ME, speaking voices, singing voices... why can't they just put everyone in one studio at the same time?! [Something goes wrong, and the Final deck starts spilling tape. Zazu lifts one earpiece of the headphones off his eye.] Zazu: And whoever invented these headphones can kiss my AAAAAAAAAAAA! [Cut back to Shenzi.] Shenzi: Okay, let's see. We have [in a scolding manner] seventeen minutes of score, and the five main songs. What about the Elton John track?... [pleasantly surprised] What?... We have three?... Mastered?... Sure, go ahead, put them ALL on the disc! People *love* Elton John!... Okay, so what's our running length?... Forty-six and a half minutes? That's not very long.... No, no! What kind of idea is that? Of course we can't release another disc later! And admit we messed up? [Move back to the CAPS office. Simba is at work alone at the terminal. The clock's at 1:07:37.3.] Simba [exhausted]: I'm finished. [more joyfully] That's a wrap! I'm finally finished! [looks at clock] And not a minute too soon. [Ed walks in.] Ed: Uh, eem buh? Oo guh baah oog. Simba: What? No. Please, no bad news! Ed: Aal uh air ee uh kuh put. Simba: B-- But the Solitaire CAN'T be broken! The premiere's in an hour! How else am I supposed to get this on film? Ed: Eh uh umpuh ee, muh ijih fuh ik. Simba: Uh-huh. So where is this really cool place? [Cue mark.] Ed: Ow tau oo kee buh aak. Simba: And how am I supposed to get what I have over there? Ed: Uh... [Fade out. Cue mark. Next reel.] [Fade in on the bottom of a car. The camera's below the rear bumper, inches above the ground, tilted up a few degrees from the horizontal. A small part of the Disney lot is visible between the ground and the front bumper. With the sound of plastic hitting plastic, the car shakes and leans a little to the right, then shakes some more and levels out. The door closes and the engine starts. The car drives off ahead, into view. It's a goldish-brown 1991 Mercury Cougar XR7. Its license plate reads "LEO 9," and it has two bumper stickers. One features a Silicon Graphics logo and reads "I'd rather be compositing," and the other simply reads "My other car is a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California." The car rounds a turn and disappears from the frame. Timon and Pumbaa rush into view from behind the camera and shout after the car.] Timon: Stop! Pumbaa: Wait! Timon: We thought of another version of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight"! Pumbaa: Hold it! Timon and Pumbaa: WAIT! [Timon and Pumbaa exchange glances.] Timon: Was it something I said? Pumbaa: I *told* you we'd just miss him. Timon: Yeah.... [Cut to Simba, driving the Cougar out of the Disney lot, and then through the streets of Burbank. Stacks of optical discs fill the passenger seat. He turns on the radio. The last few instrumental seconds are playing.] Radio voice: That was Elton John's rendition of "Circle of Life," off the new soundtrack to "The Lion King," just in here at the studio. And I swear to you, as I took the CD out of the case just now, it was warm. I mean, really warm, like it had just been made. Weird, huh? (chuckle) John Mellencamp before that with "Wild Night." It's the top of the hour, I'm Angela Harris, and you're tuned to KLFA-FM, Los Angeles-- All Pride. All Rock. In baseball news today, Milwaukee topped the motor city, 7 to 11, thanks to a seven-run sixth inning. Simba: Aw! Come on, Detroit! Angela: A little closer to home, the Dodgers lost 4 to 2 tonight to the Cincinnati Reds. Better luck next time, guys. And we'd like to wish a safe drive home to all those out at Dodger Stadium. Speaking of baseball, when asked yesterday about the possibility of a strike, President Clinton remarked, "I hope not, but it sure looks that way, doesn't it?" Well, we here at KLFA hope not, too. But back to music we must go. By request, here's Billy Joel, and "Pressure." [The song starts. Simba stops the car and opens a map. Cut to a shot into the car from behind Simba. The top of the map reads "Greater Los Angeles Motor Organization-- Remember Where You Are."] Simba: Let's see... I get off at McKinley, make a right, go down two lights and I'm there. Sounds easy enough. [Simba puts down the map. He's stopped at a red light on the on-ramp to an empty freeway.] Simba: What the heck? [turning around and looking out the window] Where is everybo-- [Pan quickly to the part of the freeway behind Simba. About a quarter mile away, an enormous herd of cars is approaching-- at very high velocity. Cut to Simba, gaping at what he sees. Push in and zoom out, so that Simba gets bigger and the background gets smaller. Simba turns to the traffic light, and as he's looking at it, it turns green. He looks back at the stampede, groans anxiously while he assesses the situation for a second, then floors the accelerator.] [Cut to Scar, in a light gray 1994 Jaguar XJ12, stopped on a bridge over the freeway. Simba and the herd are visible through the passenger-side window, and Scar is watching them. Scar's window is open.] Scar: Now this looks familiar. Hmmm. Where have I seen this before? Let me think. Hmmm... hmmm. Off-camera voice: Excuse me? Scar [turning around, to the camera]: Hmmm? Voice: Do you know how to get to Clifton Boulevard from here? Scar: I have no idea. [Cut to the Cougar. Though it's accelerating, it didn't have enough speed to start with, and it gets caught in the crowd before it gets up to speed.] [Cut to the projection room of the El Capitan. The back wall is lined with tall, narrow drawers, film-rewinding mechanisms, take-up reels, movie posters, cabinets, and sound and ventilation equipment. The foreground features two industrial-strength projectors and Banzai, the projectionist, looking at his watch.] Banzai: What is this? It's less than an hour to go, and I ain't got no print! Did I get the date wrong or something? [Walks to observation window and looks out] Hmmm, the house is full. We must be showing SOMETHING. So what's the holdup? [Cut to the Cougar symbol on the grille, and the sound of a roar. Move the camera up and change the focus to Simba, behind the wheel, roaring.] Simba: Man, oh, man! If it isn't one thing with me, it's another! And-- [A car cuts Simba off.] Simba [honking]: Hey! Watch it! Geez, animals are such PEOPLE when they get on the road! [Cut to a close-up of Ed.] Ed: Eh oo muh ha ha gaak ee... [Cut to Mufasa and Ed, in a private box or other secluded area of the El Capitan, with a large covered poster on a stand between them. Young Simba and Young Nala, the Buena Vista Home Video executives, are sitting on tall stools across from them.] Mufasa: ...and an advertised release on March 3rd. Simba: Sounds pretty good. Will it be closed-captioned? Mufasa: Of course! Nala: Letterboxed? Mufasa: Of course not! Ed [to Mufasa]: Uh mee doo guh fah. Mufasa: Oh, that's right. We'll put about three and a half minutes of promos before the feature. Simba and Nala: WHAT?! Mufasa: Uh... two and a half? Nala: No, you don't understand! Simba: We LOVE those trailers! Nala: We can't get enough of them! Simba: Make sure you put in ten minutes' worth, at least! Mufasa [to Ed]: Well, uh... Ed: Uh... Mufasa: Okay. We'll see what we can find to put there. Ed: Uh hee hee hee! Mufasa: And this is the design we drew up for the box cover. [Ed takes the cloth off, revealing a blown-up picture of the video box illustration.] Nala: Oh, that's great! Mufasa: Yes, but we could-- what? Simba: Yeah, it's really cool. I like it a lot. Mufasa: But it was just a ske-- well, okay. If you say so. Ed: BAH ha ha ha! Simba [whispering to Nala]: Um, when did the optician say our new contacts would be ready? Nala [whispering back]: Friday. [Cut to Adult Simba, still on the freeway, in the leftmost lane. He drives under a sign that says "Exit 164-- McKinley Avenue-- 1/4 mile."] Simba: Shoot! That's my exit! [Simba starts to swerve his way back through the mess of cars. He jerks ahead, cuts across two lanes, jerks back, cuts across three more (barely missing potentially awful collisions), and finally makes it to the exit ramp. He stops and looks back at the freeway. It's empty, except for a single blue Volkswagen Rabbit trailing behind.] Simba: How in the...? [Simba shakes his head and drives off. Dissolve to the front of DigiFilm Inc., a small business specializing in computer-to-film transfers. Sarafina, an employee, stands behind the counter and Simba in front of it with the optical disks stacked on top of it.] Sarafina: May I help you? Simba: I need these on 70mm in... [checks watch] [Cut to Simba's watch. Yep, it's the countdown clock, and it reads 0:24:27.2. Cut back to counter shot.] Simba: Oh no! I have twenty-four minutes to get a movie of eighty-eight finished? Uh, just get started right away. Sarafina: Sure thing. Um, is there *sound* for this? Simba: What, are you kidding? We haven't released a silent film since... the 50's, I think. Yeah, of course there's sound! I just... don't... have...... it....... [Out the front window a big cardboard box filled with about thirty reels of audio tape falls from the sky and crashes on the sidewalk. A few reels come close, but none of them fall out of the box. Zazu flies down and hovers.] Zazu: Sorry! Sorry... [Zazu picks up the box, brings it inside, and places it on the counter.] Zazu: Here it is! The final cut! Sorry about that... hope I didn't startle anyone. [to Sarafina] Dolby Stereo, please. [to both] And I'm happy to report that that was the only time I dropped it, and it couldn't have been more than twenty feet. Simba: Yeah, you're a life saver. [to Sarafina] How long will it take to do just the first reel of film? Sarafina: About five minutes. Simba: But that has to be, what, ten minutes of film, at least? Sarafina: Yes, I know. We just got some new technology in that actually lets us work *faster* than real time. [gets to work] [Simba and Zazu exchange glances and smile -- Zazu because he's relieved, Simba because he's thinking] Simba: You know, *someone*'s going to have to run this down to the theater... Zazu: Well, that's obvious. Simba: But it's clear across town. There's no way we can get it there through ground transportation. Zazu: Yes, I suppose you're right. [Simba gives Zazu a look that says "You know what I mean."] Zazu: What? Oh, no, Master, you can't be serious! I'm an engineer, not a carrier pigeon! [Start fading out] Oh, this is so humiliating! [Finish fading out. Fade in on the back of the El Capitan theater -- the deliveries door. Pan upwards to Zazu, clutching with his feet a thick reel of 70mm film about three feet in diameter. Two feet of leader is hanging from one end. Pan back down as Zazu reaches the ground. He sets the reel on the ground upright and rests upon it.] Zazu [catching his breath]: Almost... there.... I know... this wasn't in... my job description. [Cut to Banzai, reading a magazine in the projection booth. A reel of film rolls across the frame and catches his attention.] Banzai: What the hey? [The reel stops when it hits the wall. Zazu enters from the opposite side and points.] Zazu: THERE'S (gasp gasp) The First (gasp pant) reel. Banzai: Man, it's about time you showed up! I didn't think you guys were gonna make it! [Takes reel] Hey, I thought this thing was a feature! You mean it's just a short? Cool! I get to go home earlier than I thought! Zazu: No! (gasp) It's a feature. Banzai: Well, where's the rest of it? Zazu: No time to talk! I still have six more of these trips to make! [Fade out. Fade in on the front of DigiFilm. Simba and Sarafina are still at the counter.] Simba: What do you MEAN you don't take American Express? Sarafina: I'm sorry... [Freeze-frame.] Mufasa [voice-over]: Because at DigiFilm, they'll take over ten types of electronic mass storage... but they WON'T take American Express. [Resume action.] Simba: Well, how much did you say this came to? Sarafina: Let's see... that's 88 minutes on 70mm with Dolby Stereo... $504,812.40. Simba: Oh, man... [Zazu flies in] Zazu: Well, that was a rather effortless flight! Simba: Good, because we almost have the second reel finished. Zazu: I was referring to the RETURN trip. I had forgotten how good flying felt when I wasn't carrying cargo. Oh, I never had to do this when I worked for NBC. Simba: You worked for network television? Zazu: Oh, no. The New Brunswick Carnivores. Simba: Oh, a sports team? Zazu: No, actually, they were a Canadian punk band. Simba: I see. Zazu: They were quite big in the late '80s, but the environment changed and they couldn't adapt, so they died out. Simba: Really. Listen, do you have a MasterCard or Visa on you? Zazu: I think so. Why? Simba: What's the credit limit? Zazu [looks at Simba, then Sarafina, then Simba again]: Oh no. [Fade out. Roll end titles. After a few seconds, fade in on the following scene, keeping the titles rolling normally. Honolulu, Hawaii. Saturday, June 18th, 1994, 10:30 a.m. Fade in on Zazu, on a deck chair on a sandy beach, reading George Orwell's "Animal Farm." He's wearing sunglasses and sitting next to a cellular phone. "I'm Free" by the Soup Dragons is playing in the background. The phone rings, and Zazu puts down the book and answers the phone.] Zazu: Yes?... Oh, good morning, Sire.... What?... Oh, of course! Well then, good afternoon!... Mm-hmm.... That's right.... Uh, no, Sire, the agreement was TEN weeks paid vacation.... Yes, I distinctly remember it.... Oh, really? Need I remind you that it was I who delivered the final audio to DigiFilm and every reel of the first print to the theater? That it's because of me that the premiere started on time? And don't forget that I single-wingedly made the down payment for the film transfer.... Yes, you reimbursed me, but my credit rating now has a question mark at the end and the bank is still confused.... Oh, splendid. You're starting to remember.... Yes, that's right, all meal and accomodation expenses too.... Right, we agreed I'd pick up the air fare.... Yes, I said "air fare"! You think I'm going to fly myself across the Pacific WITH LUGGAGE after what happened Wednesday?!... I should hope so.... Then we're clear?... Good. See you for the first meetings for "Hunchback"!... Goodbye, Sire. [Zazu hangs up the phone and starts reading again. Fade out. Bring the music to the foreground and finish titles.] Super Stress Day 3.0 Written by Jason Knight jdk10@po.cwru.edu FDC Audio Engineer TLKMuck Mzaha CAST in order of appearance, more or less the Audio Engineer Zazu the Producer Ed the Director Mufasa Jeremy Irons Scar the Effects Animator Rafiki Elton John Timon Tim Rice Pumbaa the Clean-Up Artist Sarabi the CAPS Operator Adult Simba the Background Painter Adult Nala the Walt Disney Records Executive Shenzi the Digifilm Employee Sarafina the Projectionist Banzai the Buena Vista Young Simba Home Video Executives Young Nala Casting by Jason Knight Edited by Terry Finnegan Andy Heroff Frederik Udsen Inspiration and Motivation David Cleary (original concept) Terry Finnegan (opening scene, using Young Simba and Young Nala) Frederik Udsen (stampede scene) Andy Heroff (video box scenes) Carbon Based Souls (New Brunswick Carnivores) Research Materials Provided by The Cleveland Public Library The Lakewood Public Library Camelot Music Car and Driver The Cleveland Plain Dealer The Los Angeles Times Motor Trend Motor Week Special Thanks to My editors Everyone on alt.fan.lion-king Everyone on the Lion King Mailing List Brian Tiemann, FAQ Maintainer Matt Robinson, Director of Purchasing John Norstad, author of NewsWatcher Heather Hirsch at Digital Planet The Walt Disney Company Produced by Anti-Canon Enterprises Distributed by Case Western Reserve University the Usenet News Distribution System the Lion King Mailing List and the World Wide Web Other than my parents' stock ownership, I am in no way affiliated with the Walt Disney Company. All characters from the Lion King are intellectual property copyrighted by Disney. This work may not be sold for profit but otherwise may be freely distributed in its unmodified form -- meaning as long as it is kept in its entirety (all three reels, from the word "Introduction" to the end of the signature). This is a caricature of, and not an attack on, certain living persons. Though resemblance to actual events may be more than coincidental, nothing stated or implied in this story is necessarily true. -- -------------------------| __ _|------------ "Remember who you are!" | | / |Jason Knight |, |< | jdk10 --Mufasa, the director. |\__/ \_|@po.cwru.edu