The Official Lion King Test The following is a home test that will determine if you, the reader, are addicted to The Lion King. Many minutes of excruciatingly elementary research went into this test, resulting in a highly accurate, portable, and unbiased (yeah, that means you, freak) method for documenting your true dependency on "The Lion King". Taking the test is simple, or so my lawyers tell me. However, they wanted me to post the following disclaimer: "Hereby, on the first of January in the nineteen hundred and ninety seventh year of our lady Nala, we the aforementioned legal aides are to hereby ordered to provide detailed counciling services regarding one 'Official Lion King Test'. Should any injury or mental anguish arise due to this test, Ryan McGinnis, the creator is fully responsible. Due to his inability to pay our lawyer fees, we are more than anxious to 'get a piece of him'." And now, on to: --------------------------------------------------------- "INSTRUKTUNS" (BI Teh Dizney VhidEo box art crue) Place hand firmly on monitor. Swear allegiance to Disney. (Whe got this frum the "Daily Procedure" ting here at Dizney. Prety kewl, huh?) --------------------------------------------------------- Okay, perhaps my lawyers were wrong... that doesn't seem to help at _all_. Look, it's really very simple. Just read the question, and if you answer "yes", then you reap however many points it's worth. If it's no, then you get no points. Easy, no? Remember, some questions ask more than one question... and each "sub question" nets you how ever many points it's worth. So, If you've seen TLK more than 50 times, you get 16 points for question number one. Super! "Good Luck" Begin Test! ----------- 1. Have you seen The Lion King more than once? --1pts More than ten times? --5pts More than fifty times? --10pts 2. Did you wear your Lion King VHS tape out? --3pts Did you buy a new one? --3pts 3. Are you a member of FCOS? --3pts Did you declare it your legal religion? --15pts 4. Do you consider the concept of drinking coffee out of a Nala mug blasphemy? --4pts 5. Have you ever forced friends to watch The Lion King? --2pts 6. Have you learned Swahili? --10pts Using only the online Swahili dictionary? --20pts 7. Do you own the TLK soundtrack in more than one language? --10pts 8. Do you own Lion King plushies? --2pts Do you hug them? --(negative 2pts) Did you buy two sets, and keep one "safe from my unsatiable cuddlin' desires"? --5pts 9. Have you ever been forcibly removed from the Disney Store? --10pts 10. Do you own the Deluxe Lion King laserdisc? --10pts Are you lacking a laserdisc player? --10pts 11. Do you read Lion King fan fiction? --15pts 12. Have you read "Acceptance"? --10pts Did you feel jealous of Chad? --5pts 13. Do you talk to your Nala plushie? --5pts Does she talk back? --15pts Can other people hear her talking back? --100pts 14. Have you ever played out scenes from TLK in your head? --5pts In your living room? --10pts On your roof? --25pts With plushies? (Applies to living room or roof) --20pts 15. Do you refuse to mow your lawn because it's "All part of the Great Circle of Life" --15pts 16. Do you ever have dreams about lions? --2pts Other than Nala? --3pts Really? --1pt 17. Have you ever snatched away a TLK gift meant for your kids, with the explanation that they could "never appreciate it as much as their mommy/daddy"? --15pts 18. Have you switched from kissing to licking? --20pts 19. Do you have a TLK webpage? --10pts Is it better than mine?! --forfeit all points (just kidding) 20. Do you watch Timon and Pumbaa --10pts Will you openly admit it to fellow TLK fans? -(negative 10pts) 21. Do you own Ugandan Lion King stamps? --15pts 22. Have you ever used the phrase "naughty bunnies" in a sentence? --10pts 23. Have you ever worn a "fur suit"? --10pts For intimate purposes? --15pts With a plushie? --30pts 24. When you see Scar slap Sarabi; do you feel the need to rip your TV out of the wall and SMASH IT, SMASH IT, *DAMMIT* TO HELL SCAR, WHY CAN'T YOU *JUST* LEAVE HER *ALONE*?!?!! --15pts 25. Are you laughing right now? --5pts 26. Do you consider pirating software related to TLK to be okay? --10pts Did you consult your plushies for this moral dilemma? --10pts 27. Do you emit an audible "YESSSS!" when Simba slashes Shenzi? --5pts 28. Is your one hope for the human race that they will hurry up and invent the holodeck so you can get back to where you belong? --15pts 29. Do you own cats? --5pts Do you make them hunt for their own food? --10pts Do you bathe them with your own tounge? --20pts 30. Have you ever driven up to the McDonalds drivethru and shouted "Aiheu abamni, these burgers are positively _corban_!" --35pts 31. Have you read any books about real lions since seeing TLK? -15pts More than 5? --20pts More than 15? --30pts 32. Do you collect merchandise related to lions or other wild cats or African wildlife? --10pts 33. Have you made vacation plans to visit Africa? --10pts Have you admitted to yourself that this is just a fancy and could never come true unless you won the lottery? --(negative ten points) 34. Have you ever gone to the lion exhibit at the zoo and told small children that "yeah, sure, he may look cute; but if you were on the other side of those bars, he'd rip you from stem to stern and eat your heart" --10pts Have you personally tested this theory? --15pts Did the lions regard you as one of thieir own? --50pts 35. Have you created any fan art? --10pts Other than Nala sketches? --15pts 36. Have you written any fan poetry? --10pts 37. Do you own "The Art of The Lion King"? --15pts Do you own two of them? --15pts Are either the deluxe edition? --30pts Both? --30pts 38. Have you traveled long distances just to meet a fellow TLK fan? --20pts Overseas? --20pts Into a police state? --30pts Is this, in fact, how you meet all your friends? --40pts 39. Have you tied to get any of your friends to join alt.fan.lion-king or the TLK mailing list? --10pts Did they do it? --15pts Just to shut you up? --15pts 40. Do you use the TLK Muck? --10pts Do you spend more than 2 hours a day on it? --10pts Do you spend more time on it than off it? --20pts 41. Do you have any TLK posters on your wall? --10pts Do you have so many that you can no longer see the wall? --15pts Did you steal any of them? --20pts, and a smack on the wrist 42. Do you go to see all movies with Jeremy Irons in it, just so you can "keep your eye on that troublemaker"? --10pts 43. Were you dissapointed by the movie "To Die For", as you thought it had something to do with TLK? --15pts 44. Have you ever been in the middle of a group discusison about "Hamlet" and blurted out that "It was done much better in The Lion King!"? --20pts 45. Have you ever asked your mom to be more like Sarabi? --20pts 46. Have you adopted an internet "nickname" that is related to TLK? --30pts 47. Have you ever left your kids home under the care of your pet bird? -- 40pts 48. Have you specualted just what Sarafina _really_ meant by "What do you think, Sarabi?" --20pts 49. Do you think Simba's butt looks cute? (Adult, or young) --20pts 50. Have you ever looked in a Swahili dictionary to find out what the characters names mean? --15pts 51. Do you own a lion? --30pts 52. Have you ever spoken to any star from "The Lion King"? --20pts 53. Has anyone ever told you that you "need to get a grip on this whole Lion King thing"? --20pts Did you hurt them? --20pts 54. Did your friends get you a Nala plushie for your birthday/Christmas? --20pts Did you immediatly embrace it screaming "Oh Nala, I _KNEW_ you'd come for me!!" --40pts (note, if you prefer, you may replace Nala with Simba or Scar) 55. Have you ever submitted an essay about The Lion King to a magazine? --25pts 56. Don't you wish you had a tail? --15pts 57. Have you tried to rationalize that what Scar did was merely a product of years of mistreatment? --20pts 58. Have you ever cried out in a moment of passion "Oh, ZAZU!" -400pts 59. When your company held open house, did all the kids gather around your cubicle to see the "Lion King Shrine"? --40pts 60. Do you play Wing Commander because the Kilrathi are "hot"? --30pts -------- End test You may put down your TLK embroidered pencils now. How did you fare? You may have felt guilty for having answered no to some of the questions, if so, give yourself 30 points. Here's the grading scale: 580-600+ Aiheu help you. 500-580 You are hopelessly addicted to TLK, you know it, and you don't care. If you are a man, you have a long beard because you refuse to shave with anything other than the Lion King shaving kit. You would fight barefisted with any lion any day to defend the honor of Nala. You think you are in Africa, and constantly roam your house looking for stray hyenas. Your relatives stopped visiting long ago after you started "marking your territory" about the house. You used to stalk Jeremy Irons. You have been excommunicated from the FCOS for "taking it too damned seriously". 400-500 You are addicted! You probably own all the TLK merchandize known to man, and it's still not enough for you. People don't understand your crave for the feline, but all the same you wish Nala would give up on that hopelessly boring Simba. If you are female, of course, it's the other way around. You one day hope to construct Pride Rock in your back yard. Everything you do, you confess at the FCOS. 300-400 You might still actually some life outside of "The Lion King". You may have a significant other, though you never share your inner secret that you wish he/she was covered in fur. Sometimes you get the urge to roar... and you do. You write fan fiction, and have TLK mugs stashed away in the cupboard. You are thinking of getting a Lion King tatoo. 200-300 Ah, you have a healthy addiction! You don't fancy yourself a lion, and you haven't even made your first kill yet. Most people think you are eccentric (crazy if you're poor), but Nala only enters your mind when you want her to. If you have kids, they probably think that you are the coolest thing since the retraction of prohibition as you will often dress up as Mufasa and play along with their games. 100-200 You've seen the movie, you liked it, but you think all these other fans are nuts. You wonder if all this talk of Nala is a joke, or if they really mean it. You tried reading a fan fiction once. 0-100 You got your kids the video, and you got them their damned dressup-Nala dolls, what more do they want of you?! It's just a kids movie, right?