Home Improvement Parody
Written by: Andrew Perrin (timon@net1plus.com)
This story is by no means meant to infringe on any copyrights or
trademarks. It is simply here for fun! OK? Great!
Welcome! Here is a
longer fanfic than my Visa one, and is based on the show 'Home Improvement', with the TLK crew
doing a guest appearence.
This was in no way as easy as I thought it would be. So here
are a couple things to keep in mind when reading...
1) The tLK characters that I chose are best suited to the people they
are in, for my story. Trust me on this, OK! ;) Some parts may have been
better with someone else in places, but after playing around with the
plot, this configuration seems to be the best. I'm afraid you'll have
to assume Pumbaa is adopted....<Scar>Ooops...I've said too much...</scar>
2) So who's going to really like this in the tLK community? Well, Nalaholics
will kind of like it, but be warned, now, that Nala isn't in this as much
as both you and I would have liked. Timonaholics, Sarabiholics,
Mufasaholics and Simbaholics should like this pretty much, since they
have most lines. Scaraholics will get a bit of a surprise from this,
if not some other people. Note, though, that it isn't a big
surprise! <Zazu>Pity. Why not?</zazu> ;)
Extra comments are made either in stage directions or in 'SCRIPT WRITER'
areas (which are simply my comments...nothing more).
Now...on with the show!
<Black screen. No Music. First set of credits, below, shown as
follows: first two lines shown. Fade out. Next two shown. Fade out.
Next two. Fade out. Next line, big fancy writing.>
MEERKAT MOVIES
IN ASSOCITATION WITH
ANDREW PERRIN
PRESENT...
IN THEIR FIRST -LONGISH- FEATURE PRESENTATION
(TAKEN UP MOSTLY BY THE INTRO...)
"HOME IMPROVEMENT: SPECIAL EDITION"
<Music begins(?). We see the characters prepare as the names are
shown.>
WITH THE SPECIAL APPEARANCES OF:
MUFASA ...................... Tim Taylor
YOUNG SIMBA ........... Randy "<mumbles something about the writer not being original>
YOUNG SCAR ............. Brad "<mumbles something about being young again>
PUMBAA ...................... Mark "<mumbles something about not even being a lion>
SARABI ......................... Jill "<one of the few that don't mumble>
ZAZU ............................. Wilson<mumbles, nothing can be made out. (accent)>
**TIMON** ................... Al<mumbles something about something being fun...>
<Credits continue with the following small text: Ummm...Ok, who's
the wiseguy who put stars by Timon's Name?>
<Voice of Timon is heard...>
Timon: Hey I'm not a wiseguy I'm the wisest Meerkat in the...umm..
I mean....PUMBAA! Please...behave yourself....
<Credits continue>
ADULT NALA.........Heidi<mumbles about small parts and big lines>
<Credits end. Finally. Mumbling stops. Fade to black.>
<Fade in on the kitchen of a typical suburban house. Well. Kind of
typical. If you've seen Home Improvement, then that is what it looks
like. Mufasa is in the Kitchen, staring curiously at the counter-top
cooking hobs. Sarabi walks in, with a "fed-up" look that suggests
she's thinking, "I wonder what he could possibly be thinking this
time?>
SARABI: Ok. What do you want to do?
MUFASA: Huh? I..uh...was just wondering what we use them for.
SARABI: What? You're an expert at this stuff...what do you think its for?
MUFASA: Well...if you turn this knob...wait a bit <waits three seconds> and then put your paw on it...RRROAAAOWWWW! <It Shakes the room>
SARABI: <sighs><without too much emotion>Are you OK?
MUFASA: <turns knob to 'off'> Yeah. Fine. But I still don't know what it is for...
SARABI: We heat our food on it. <with a "you're so dumb" attitude> Not ourselves.
MUFASA: Very funn..YOU KNEW? Why didn't you tell me?
SARABI: Because if I did, you would have said, "Oh women don't know a thing, let me find out.
MUFASA: No I wouldn't. Besides. Thats what a human would say, with their 'seperation' theory. We're lions...you should know better.
SARABI: Yeah. And your Tim Taylor. I should know. And do!
<Mufasa gives Sarabi a 'what are you talking about?' look, and
walks away. Sarabi shakes her head, and walks over to the Kitchen
table, hops on, and starts to take the clothes out of the laundry
basket, which she washed earlier. Why? I don't know. They aren't
wearing clothes anyway. She starts folding them.>
<Y.Simba Can be seen coming down stairs>
SIMBA: MAAA-AAAM! MOM! WHERE ARE YOU?
SARABI: Right here, dear.
SIMBA: Hey, Mom, why are you folding clothes?
SARABI: Huh? Oh, Al asked me to do his clothes for him, since he didn't have time.
SIMBA: Oh. <SCRIPT WRITER: Oh.> When are we going to the craft fair?
SARABI: Later, dear. At about 3, this afternoon.
SIMBA: Hmmm. And Mark is home from Baseball at...two-thirty?
SARABI: That's right...
SIMBA: Hmmm. Thirty minutes. <turns around, slowly. runs over to stairs and stops at bottom>
Hey Brad! Thirty minutes! We have time!
SCAR: <off camera> GREAT! When's Mark home?
<At this, shot cuts to close up of Sarabi on table. She has a
shocked & worried look. Quickly, she hops down, runs over next to
Simba and shouts loud enough so even Young Scar can hear.>
SARABI: You guys are not going to trick Mark again. You hear?
He's sensitive...even though he may look thick-skinned. <slight
pause. Looks over to Simba. Simba looks at Sarabi. They both look
back upstairs.>
OKAY?
SIMBA & SCAR: O-KAY!
<Sarabi walks away, keeping her eye on Simba. When she finally
looks away, Simba runs upstairs.>
<Animation of Pumbaa walking across screen is shown, leaving black
behind him as the scene slowly goes away. Commercials.
Maybe my Visa one? ;-)>
<Commercials Finish. Show a close up of Nala's face.>
NALA: Does everybody know what time it is?
<Cut to audience. 2/3rds are Meerkats...one curiously dressed like Kurt Cobain, and another, next to him, whom is wearing a shirt saying "I'm with smarty", and an arrow pointing to the other. All others have no clothes. The others in the audience (1/3rd) are mostly Lions, with some exceptions. Even more curiously, no Lions are wearing any clothes.>
Audience: TOOL TIME!
NALA: That's right, and here are your hosts, Tim Taylor and Al Borland.
<"Tool Time" music plays, and Mufasa walks out in nice, big, proud steps. Timon starts running after him, visibly out of breath. He is wearing clothes, and is simply a plad shirt...but not red...instead, beige and brown, to match his fur. The music stops.>
MUFASA: Welcome to Tool Time! I'm your host, Tim Taylor, and this is my assisstant, Al "Overkill" Borland....
TIMON: Heeeeeeey...watch it! That's Al "Hakuna Matata" Borland...
MUFASA: Right. <Smiles. But from Timon's angle...teeths>
TIMON: Hee-hee...we all need to work, though!
MUFASA: Yes. And that is why you're my assistant. Anyway, tell the audience what we'll be doing today, Al.
<Al is normally a neat, on time person who knows more than Tim when it comes to what's going to be done. But this is Timon...so of course, the normal rules have to be broken...>
TIMON: <Panicked face> Uh...today? As in...what project?
MUFASA: That's right. You did read the script, didn't you "Al"?
TIMON: Uh...yes....um....Why don't you bring out the equipment, Heidi.
<A bathroom sink & cupboard are wheeled onto the set, pushed by Nala's snout. Timon starts to walk over to it, analyzing what is there, oblivious to what needs to really be done right now. With help from Mufasa, Nala starts to turn the counter the other way. Timon realizes it's heading right for him. He screams...and starts to run frantically the other direction...barely making it in time.>
TIMON: <out of breath> Why... are... meerkats... so.. small?
<The counter is now in the correct position...facing the audience.>
TIMON: <giving Mufasa a hard glare> NOW <turning back to
audience> what we have here is a sink that needs it's pipes
connected, underneath. Not too hard, right Tim?
MUFASA: Yes, Al. I guess you could say there's problems in the Water
hole's water works!
<Realizing the stupidness of this onspurt joke, no one laughs>
TIMON: <Big grin...not quite as serious as the real Al>
I don't think so Timmy!
<Timon knows he musn't make eye contact with Mufasa (who has now got an angry look), and so continues talking.>
TIMON: First thing to do is hook up the main pipe to the hole
underneath the sink. To do this, you simply need your paws, and
maybe a wrench, for further tightening.
<Runs over to sink. Mufasa simply turns, the angry look still
in his eyes.>
TIMON: OK, Tim, if you would dangle me over the hole in the sink, I
just want to make sure that the ring is in place before I add
the pipe, below it.
MUFASA: <evil grin forming> Oh yes...yes Al...
<Picks Timon up by tail, and dangles over sink hole>
TIMON: OK....looks tight....could you just lower me so I can take a
closer look, Tim?
MUFASA: Sure...."Al".
<Mufasa lowers Timon. Too much. In fact, he drops Timon head first into the sink. His head goes in the hole, but his body is so big (comapared to the opening), that he won't go in any more.>
TIMON: <muffled talk> Heym..gem me oumt! NOWM!
MUFASA: Hmmm. Looks like we have a slight clog to remove, wouldn't
you agree, Al?
TIMON: <ecstatic> Yemph, yemph! <suddenly realising the
procedure to unclog a drain> ...uh..NOM! NOM! THIMF REMINEFS ME OF HOMEF!
MUFASA: <Walking on set, apparantly not being around while Timon said that...he went to get a plunger...the handle is in his mouth>
Trust me Al...this is going to hurt you more than it is me....
TIMON: WHAMF?
<Cut to black. Commercials.>
<Fade back in, back stage to Tool Time. Timon is walking towards camera, heading somewhere behind the camera. He has his tail and 'hind area' lifted in the air. He can't walk any other way.>
TIMON: <talking to self> Why did I think this would be fun....
just a big load of....
MUFASA: Look Al, I'm sorry, but you did make me look like a fool
before.
TIMON: <turning around> And this isn't making me look like
a fool?
MUFASA: Hey...we had to make it even somehow. <smiles,
and walks away from camera>
TIMON: Untrained fix it lion....oy! <Waddles away>
<Cut to backyard of the Taylor's house. Y.Simba is painting on the fence some bugs, looking like they are walking towards Wilson's house. Y.Scar is behind him, watching the other way for Pumbaa.>
SCAR: Hey...here he comes!
SIMBA: <running> Great, I'll just hide the paints here...
<Puts behind bushes>
<Pumbaa walks outside>
PUMBAA: Hey guys...watcha doin'?
SIMBA: Nothing. Just looking at these strange bugs here.
PUMBAA: BUGS? WHERE?
<Simba raises his paw towards the painted bugs>
<Pumbaa runs, Lions run out of way, Pumbaa crashes into fence,
breaking a hole. Zazu is on the other side, painting a flock of
hornbills over the Pride Lands. Turns around. We see a fearful face
of Zazu, just managing to blurt out...>
ZAZU: What the...?!
<...before we cut to Sarabi in Bedroom, making bed.>
CRAAAAASSH!!!!!
SARABI: <Pauses> Oh...no.
<Sarabi runs downstairs, and to the backyard. Simba and Scar
have split, leaving poor Pumbaa in a heap, with Zazu caught between
his two tusks. The painting is one big canvas of blue, and is leaning
on the Pumbaa-Zazu collision.>
SARABI: <Staring> Oh...no. <Running over to Pumbaa> MARK!
Are you alright? Who did this? Why did they do this?
PUMBAA: Yes...my brothers...because they hate me.
SARABI: Oh..poor dear... I need to talk to those cubs! Now come on
inside, and lets clean you up...
<Sarabi drags Pumbaa inside, having Zazu 'plop' to the ground halfway. Obviously Sarabi was too worried about Pumbaa to notice Zazu.>
ZAZU: <moans of pain> Why couldn't I just give advice like the
real Wilson?
<SCRIPT WRITER: (devilish grin)Because that would have been boring>
<Cut to wide shot of downstairs. Pumbaa is resting on the couch. Camera moves over him, passing by Sarabi, whom is in the Kitchen, preparing dinner: Zebra flown in from the Pride Lands. Shot finally closes in on doorway, where we see the door knob slowly turn, and the cubs sneak in. As we follow the cubs' movement, Simba suddenly stops. The camera keeps moving to reveal a very angry Sarabi>
SARABI: OK boys...what's the story?
SCAR: How 'bout "The three little Wolves?"
SARABI: <sarcasticaly> Hah, hah. Why did you hurt Mark, even
when I told you, and you agreed, that you can't?
SIMBA: Because. He's weird, and we couldn't resist. Geez..he eats
bugs!
SARABI: Yeah...and you eat Zebra. Humans eat stuff with artificial
chemicals in it. So what?
<Simba looks at Scar. Looks back towards Sarabi>
SIMBA: <pathetically> We're sooooorrrrryyyyy!
SCAR: <same> Yeeessss....veeery sooorrrryyy!
SARABI: Oh can it....go to your rooms until dinner's ready.
When I decide a stronger punishment, you will know about it.
Now go!
<Cubs run off, Sarabi watching them. Cut to door from Kitchen to garage. Close up of door knob. It turns slowly, and it opens. Mufasa sneaks in, and starts to walk quitely towards the doors to the back of the house.>
SARABI: HOLD IT!
MUFASA: Hmph. Should have know you would have caught me!
SARABI: Hey Mr.Grouchy...just because you got angry with me, doesn't
mean you have to go to Tool Time and bring it out on Al...he's harmless.
MUFASA: He's a meerkat. He has a personality the size of Texas, and
an ego that is even bigger. He would do anything to embarass me!
You saw the audience...about 75% were Meerkats!
SARABI: Actually, I missed the beginning, but saw you on TV just in
time to see you drop Al in the sink hole!
MUFASA: Yes...but he made a fool of me...he deserved it!
SARABI: Oh, please.... Look, I don't want to argue with you. Just
try to be a little bit more understanding towards Al in future?!
MUFASA: O-KAY!
<Sarabi cocks head to side with a 'You can do better than that' look>
MUFASA: Really! I'll hold my temper better next time!
SARABI: <sighs> Fine. I guess I'll have to trust you. It is your show.
MUFASA: Yes. It is.
<Walks away. Heads outside to do 'stuff'. Sarabi watches him for a little bit, then walks away, shaking her head>
<Cut to black, and start commercials.>
<Return from commercials. Final closing credits on one side, show's ending on the other.>
<Mufasa is on the couch watching the "Tool Time" scene where Mufasa drops Timon in the sink hole. Front door opens, and Young Simba & Young Scar walk in first, and run directly upstairs, planning on making up lost time from that 'craft show'. Sarabi walks in with a small brown paper bag held by her mouth. She walks over to where Mufasa sits, and drops it on his head.>
SARABI: A gift. To say sorry.
MUFASA: A gift? Oh thank you! I'm sorry too...but I did't get you...
SARABI: Thats OK...I don't want one.
MUFASA: Are you sure?
SARABI: <Grins> Yes. <Stops> Go on then, open it!
MUFASA: Oh, right...
<Mufasa rips bag open with mouth, and manages to hold a wooden,
red painted plaque between his two front paws. Holding it up to see
the elegant, white writing on the front, we look over Mufasa's
shoulder to see:
"Love thy Meerkat Assistant.">
<Fade out. The End.>