This little bit of hilarity came to me since I've recently started to learn to drive, and posed the question "what would it be like if Timon could drive"? It seemed like a harmless question...but things grew.

Eventually into this little skit I like to call....

Kenya Drive Mr.Burkowitz?
By: Andrew "Mageuzi" Perrin (timon@net1plus.com)
Copyright 1997, Timon and Pumbaa are copyrights of Disney. This is meant for fun, and not to infringe on any copyrights.
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<The sun rises over a desert in Arizona. You can't really tell its exactly Arizona, but that is where it is. All is calm and quiet until...>

Timon: AIEEEEEEE!
Pumbaa: HAKUNA MATATA!

<The dynamic duo zoom from behind the camera, out across the sand landscape. Suddenly, they stop. The camera closes in on them, and we see Timon pulling on Pumbaa's ears, the reason they stopped.>

Timon: Heeey! Where are all the buzzards?!

Pumbaa: I dunno...looks like the buzzed off. <chuckles>

Timon: Very funny, Pumbaa, veeeery funny. Well. We're stuck now, aren't we? <climbs down off Pumbaa's head> How are we gonna find our food now, huh? Trudge around *this* desert for another three hours?

Pumbaa: Why not?

Timon: Why not?! WHY NOT?! Pumbaa, are you nuts?! This is the desert! Look at the sun <points up>...

Pumbaa: I can't Timon, it hurts too much...

Timon: Well know its there! Its hot! There's nothing around for miles!

Pumbaa: Well whats that over there?

Timon: Where?

Pumbaa: There... <points over to a building>

Timon: <turning> Hey! Yeah, what is that? <reads sign> "Kat Used Kars". Hmm.

<Timon starts to walk over, and Pumbaa follows behind.>

Timon: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pumbaa?

Pumbaa: But Timon...

Timon: Yeees, Pumbaa?

Pumbaa: You can't drive!

Timon: Sure I can, Pumbaa, its just a matter of... <pauses>

Pumbaa: What?

Timon: Follow me...

<The two walk over to the kar...er...car lot, and Timon jumps into one of the cars. The size is that of a normal, human, car, but the inside has been changed to fit a meerkat's size. The steering wheel has two big clamps on it, with poles leading down to a smaller sterring wheel further down. Two poles from the pedals down below, come up further to the top of the seat, perfect for a meerkat's small legs, and the seat has been risen to allow better vision onto the road.>

Timon: See, Pumbaa? This isn't too hard. You just turn this big circle here...

Pumbaa: The steering wheel, Timon...

Timon: Right, Pumbaa...and you push these pedals here...<pointing to the brake> This one makes you go <pointing to the accelerater> and this one makes you stop.

Pumbaa: Are you sure, Timon?

Timon: Sure I'm sure! Here...

<Not letting Timon finish his sentence, a sales assistant comes out of the builiding. Its a meerkat in an obnoxiously colored neon green suit>

Assistant: <in a fast, smooth talking voice> May I HELP you gentlemen?

Timon: <hoping down from the car> Yes, please...could we take this car for a test drive?

Assistant: Sure! Could I see your driver's license?

Timon: Driving license? Uh...<looking to Pumbaa>the warthog ate it.

Assistant: Huh?

Timon: Yeah..uh..we were looking for bugs, and uh...as we looked under a rock, it slipped from my paws, and Pumbaa, here, though it was a bug. And ate it.

Assistant: I see. Well...let me ask you one question. If you can answer it, you can take it for a 10 minute test drive.

<Timon nods, with an unsure smile>

Assistant: If a pedestrian is in the middle of a road, do you have to stop and let him pass, or can you keep going, expecting him to stop for you.

Timon: Uh...well...first I had no idea religion got into driving...but uh...I think you have to stop and let him pass. Right?

Assistant: Right! Ok, you can go...here are the keys. <hands Timon the keys to the car>

Timon: <eyes getting bigger> I'm right!! I mean...<more seriously>of course I'm right! <takes keys> We'll be right back.

<Timon and Pumbaa climb into the car. The assistant goes back inside. Timon puts the keys in the ignition and starts the car>

Timon: Lets see here...

<Timon notices the lever at the side. Currently it is set to "P".>

Timon: Pumbaa? Do you know why this is set to "P"?

Pumbaa: Because we're "P"arked? Maybe if you move it to that "D" we will move.

Timon: Quiet, Pumbaa, I'm tring to figure out these letters! Wait! I got it! See how this is at "P"? Well that is probably because its "P"arked! So if I move it to "D", maybe we'll "D"rive!

Pumbaa: You're so smart, Timon! I'm sorry I ever doubted your ability to drive!

Timon: Well, Pumbaa, we all make mistakes. Now lets hit the road!

<Timon moves the lever to the "D". Suddenly, the car starts to move. Not fast, just at a snail's pace. Timon now looks out the window.>

Timon: There that wasn't too bad was...AHHHH!

<Suddenly, they realize they're heading into the road where a single car is coming right towards them>

Pumbaa: Quick Timon! Hit the brake!

Timon: I was going to do that Pumbaa, give me a chance!!

<Timon slams down one of the pedals. The accelerator. The car leaps forward and they start going faster...>

Timon: AHHH! WHAT THE...?!

Pumbaa: The other one, Timon! The other one!

Timon: AAHHHH!!!! SAVE ME PUMBAAAAA!

<Quickly, Pumbaa reaches over and puts the brake pedal down with his hoof>

SCRREEEEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!

<The car zooms past, right in front of them. On the windshield, Timon is plastered onto the glass. Pumbaa reaches over and peels him off>

Pumbaa: Put your seat belt on, Timon!

Timon: <in a muffled voice> Right, Pumbaa...give me a chance....

<The scene changes to the car driving down the road. It is swerving ever so slightly left and right...>

Timon: You see Pumbaa? After a bit of refreshing my memory, we're off to a much better ride, now!

Pumbaa: Great! Uh...where are we going, Timon?

Timon: I don't know...but look! There's something in the distance...what is that?

Pumbaa: Hmm. Looks like a lot of buildings...perhaps a city...

Timon: And where there's a city...

T&P: THERE'S FOOOOD!

<The car, no longer free to roam the sands of the desert, rolls onto a road which heads into downtown Phoenix. Timon is now swerving into both the left and right lanes...more left than right.>

Pumbaa: Uh, Timon?

Timon: What is it now, Pumbaa?!

Pumbaa: Shouldn't you be staying on the right side of the road?

Timon: I'm trying, Pumbaa, but this steering is very sensitive!

Pumbaa: Oh. Well please try...

Timon: Why, Pumbaa, are you feeling sick?

Pumbaa: Nooo...there's a car coming towards us on the left side...

Timon: WHAT!?

<Timon, seeing the car Pumbaa was referring to, quickly turns the wheel to the right. Suddenly, they go into a spin, and head to the right while in the spin, just missing the oncoming car. Finally, they slow down and come to a stop.>

Timon: <in a dazed and confused voice> But mommy, I want to sit in the dryer, too! <shaking out of it>

Pumbaa: Oh, Timon, *now* I'm sick...

Timon: Well, Pumbaa, we can't stay around here all day! Lets go!

<Timon gets back on the road, and tries his best to stay on the right side this time. He does pretty well, too. Then he enters the city, and more cars surround them. They approach a traffic light. Its on red, with cars going across the other way. They are first to approach the lights.>

Timon: <showing no sign of slowing> Now, Pumbaa, keep your eyes open for bugs, cheap restaurants and people's gourmet dinners... <looks out the side window>

Pumbaa: What does a red light mean, Timon?

Timon: Stop, Pumbaa.

Pumbaa: I was only asking...

Timon: <turning to Pumbaa> No, not you! A red light means stop!

Pumbaa: <pointing to the fast-approaching light> Then shouldn't you stop?

Timon: <turning to the windshield> Huh? <pause> WHOA!!

<It is too late to break...they enter the traffic coming the other way and swerve and dodge all the cars, having at least 5 near misses on their way across. Use your imagination as to what 5 near misses they have. :)>

<They come out the other side>

Timon: <looking behind him> Wow! That was close! How did we ever...

Pumbaa: Uh, Timon...

Timon: Yeah?

Pumbaa: Turn left...

<Timon turns to look out the window. Him, and we, see that they are heading right for an Italian restaurant's window in the center of a curve.>

Timon: <in an tired voice> Oh no...not again...

<Once again...no time to stop. Timon takes his foot of the accelarater but at the point its too late...they crash into the restaurant, and the car stops, with tables and tablecloths all over, with lasagna and spaghetti all over the car. Timon squeezes out.>

Timon: Oh...this car is terrible. I haven't driven such an awful car!

<Pumbaa's head pops out the window>

Pumbaa: I just don't think you were meant to drive, Timon.

Timon: What?! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, Pumbaa. I'd bonk you on the head if I weren't in such a...restricting position.

Pumbaa: Sorry, Timon. I guess you're right. You are the smart one...

Timon: Thats right, Pumbaa, and don't you forget it! <scrapes some lasanga up with his finger, which is all around him> Hey! This ain't bad! Looks like we found our food!

Pumbaa: <taking some> Hey, you're right! I'm so lucky to be with you Timon!

Timon: I know...

<scene fades out with the two stuck in the car, eating other people's food, who are all around, trying to get up and out.>

[<The End>]