~~~

Shorts But Stupid, By Loa

This is a fanfic in the style of The Adventures Of Timon and Pumbaa. This means that everyone in the fanfic either dresses in clothes, does jobs for money, drinks alcohol or acts like a complete pillock. Just like real life, in fact.

All these characters and items are mine, all mine! And I'm making loads of money off them too!! See? No-one cares even if I do say that I invented them! (Which I didn't)

If you are easily offended, stop reading NOW!!! This fanfic will offend you, whether you’re a Scaraholic, Hyenaholic, Nalaholic, Simbaholic or alcoholic.

You’re still reading? Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you...

~~~                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Chapter 1 - What Shenzi Really Does For A Living

Banzai looked around nervously. He really hated these meetings with Scar. That insidious, jumped-up, pompous jerk of a lion gave him the creeps. But he supplied good meat and a really good diversion if Banzai went hunting.

"Hello, Banzai." Banzai whirled around to see Scar approaching from behind.

"You know I hate it when you creep up on me like that, Scar. Why can’t you come from upwind? It puts uncomfortable ideas into my mind."

Scar sneered, "Everyone knows that you have no mind, Banzai. I think it’s time that you took me to meet the leader of the pack. Stop stalling."

Banzai shrugged, "How do I know I can trust you? You could be a spy sent from the lions to stir up trouble. I’ve seen this movie before. As soon as I bring you to the leader, you rip us both to shreds."

Scar growled, "You have kept me waiting for quite long enough Banzai. It’s time I met him."

Banzai paused, then sniggered "Him? What, him? Well, if you insist. The leader of the pack actually runs the Elephant Skull Bar. Come with me."

Banzai took Scar to a large bull elephant’s skull. Across it was painted the words ‘The Elephant Skull Bar’. The pair entered a seedy pub with about twenty hyenas in it, some at the bar, some at tables, and one lying senseless on the floor. They all looked up, and Scar was suddenly very aware that he was a lion in a room full of hyenas. One hyena was playing a badly tuned piano, and another hyena was trying to juggle on stage, while a waitress was chatting up a barfly. She was almost entirely dressed in a feather boa. The rest of what she wore would strain to cover a small pup, let alone a fully grown female hyena. She looked up, and her face broke into a wide grin.

"Banzai, you wicked cur! You haven’t visited me for days! I was beginning to think you’d given up alcohol for good!" The bitch abruptly left the barfly’s side. He was leaning forward for a kiss, so he fell off his seat and onto the floor.

Banzai laughed. He took a seat, and Scar took the one next to him. "Shenzi baby, I could never give up the cat’s piss you serve here. As long as you bring it to me!"

Shenzi laughed too, then nuzzled him affectionately, "Banzai, I’m insulted. A beer, right? And what will your... companion have?"

Scar hesitated, "Well, I’ll have a beer too." Shenzi walked back to the bar. He noted that it was not exactly the most direct route back, and she went around as many of the other drinkers as possible, moving like continental drift, deceptively slowly. "Who’s she?"

Banzai chuckled, "Her? She’s Shenzi. She runs the Elephant Skull Bar."

Scar’s lips moved as he worked this one out. His jaw dropped open as it clicked. Just then, Shenzi returned with the drinks and put them down in front of Scar and Banzai. "Well boys, enjoy your drink." Just then, the juggling hyena finished his act. Scar raised his paws to clap, but it really wasn’t necessary. The drinkers showed their full appreciation of the hyena’s act by launching a volley of missiles at the stage. Shenzi watched the trouble with a professional’s eye, "Excuse me, I have to go get ready for my act now."

Scar watched the hyena hurry off stage. When he was quite sure that he was out of range of the missiles, the hyena yelled out, "You’re a bunch of crude ingrates!"

Another dog hyena picked up a chair and weighed it thoughtfully in his paws. He took aim, but before he could throw it, the curtains closed, then opened again, and Shenzi was standing there instead. She smiled sweetly at the crowd of drinkers. One of them dropped his mug of beer and it began to eat into the rock, rather like acid. Then, descending majestically from the stage, she began to sing in hyanic.

Scar heard a quiet sob. He turned and saw tears running down Banzai’s face. He bent down and whispered, "What’s the song about?"

Banzai didn’t take his eyes off Shenzi. She had now removed her feather boa and draped it around another dog’s neck. It happened to be Ed, "It’s a very old song. There was a bitch and a dog called Faran and M’krono. They were," Banzai hesitated and waved his paws around descriptively, "Friends. Very good friends." The instrumental was over, and Shenzi was moving on, singing again.

"Virain cor’kro bertry, (He ran from the Pack Lands)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Yenate loiquanna hantry, (And he thought he was safe)                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Ronte oron wane setretta, (So he stopped running)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Tae koira swanai vietta, (But she loved him so much)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Sine taegeyen tae’vetta. (That she gave responsibility of the pack to her daughter and hunted him down)

Wharao la fine sago,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Raontai mare anre mago,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Pelvena forti fell touchai,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Wharna k’quinette aranai."

"Tae mosidai baroan, (She caught him and he pleaded for his life)                                                                                                                                                                                                        Cuz’tae vinata jaikoan, (But she ripped out his eyes)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Yentae kipe motree, (And she plucked his ears off)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Yentae loab kloiwee, (And she tore open his stomach)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Yentae guad all gorfee." (And she left him dying slowly in the mud.)

Banzai continued, "She found him and he begged her for mercy, but she was clever, and she wouldn’t listen. She ripped out his eyes and his intestines and she left him to die real slow in the dirt." Banzai wiped a tear from his eye with a paw.

"S’rona la masti c’toi, (This song is a warning)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Frini grena nerai meloi, (To all of you males out there)                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Grenwee your darean, (Who are cheating on your girls)                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Yenho lod wea maran, (Cheat on a bitch, and you could wind up)                                                                                                                                                                                                                Ani ero M’krono yen Faran." (Just like M’krono and Faran.)

"It’s the way that Faran loved M’krono so much that she gave up the leadershipness to her daughter so that she could kill him for cheating on her. ‘Cos he was her man and he did her wrong," Banzai explained, and blew his nose respectfully with a filthy rag that substituted as a hankerchief, "It’s a very romantic hyena song."

Scar shrugged, "Each species to their own, I guess."

~~~                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Chapter 2 - Graduation Day In The Hyena Army

It was graduation day in the hyena mercenary camp, and the new soldiers were standing in a line, looking tired, but happy and proud. Fisadi, the drill sergeant, marched down the ranks. She nodded.

"Well, dogs and bitches, you’ve all passed your exam. I’m very proud to call all of you my mercenaries. Every one of you deserves to beat the shit out of any Pride Lander, and I’m sure that in a large group of about twenty, you are perfectly capable of doing so!" She wiped away a tear.

The new mercenaries lined up and marched past her, singing the hyena’s national anthem in something that resembled a tune in the same way that manure resembles roses. It goes:

"Hyenas are a furry folk,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        We like to eat until we choke,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Anything edible, we will try,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Including magic mushroom pie,

We’re assassins, paid to kill,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Hire us now for what you will,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                No matter what the job may be,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        We’ll do it for a tidy fee,

Oh all right, so we are poachers,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        And hard to kill, just like cockroaches,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                But we’re not stupid, for we’ll be found,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Hiding when there’s lions around,

Even though we don’t attack,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Push us too far and we’ll push back,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    We hardly need the strength of thirty,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            When we can win by playing dirty,

Because we fight with what we know,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Our blackmail deals a mighty blow,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        All people have secrets that could cause strife,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                From death, to the porn mags you hide from your wife,

It doesn’t matter if you’re blind,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Or if hard drugs destroyed your mind,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                We love all like friend and brother,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    And very rarely kill each other."

When they had finished singing all thirty verses of the hyena’s national anthem, Fisadi marched off, only to be ambushed by Shenzi, Banzai, Ed and about nine other random hyenas, who beat the seven hells out of her.

~~~                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Chapter 3 - To Kill A Lion King...

After Mufasa left the graveyard with Simba and Nala, Scar waited for the hyenas to return to their hallowed romping grounds. His wait was but for a short while. As the hyenas bickered and expressed their dissatisfaction with their current status on the food chain, Scar quietly listened to them speaking their minds, curious as to what hyenas said when they thought he wasn’t nearby. That is, until they started making fun of lions... Enough was enough. He interrupted the trio, and told them that they had better be prepared.

Banzai was enthusiastic at first, "Yeah, be prepared! We’ll be prepared!" He paused, "Uh, for what?"

"For the death of the king!"

Banzai climbed onto Scar’s ledge, "Why, is he sick?"

Scar glared at Banzai, and grabbed him by the throat, "No, you fool, we’re going to kill him!" An evil grin crossed his face, "And Simba too!" He dropped Banzai back onto the floor again.

"Yay! All right! Who needs a king?!" Shenzi cheered, and Banzai joined in, both singing, "No king! No king! La

la la la la laaa!!"

Scar was furious, "Idiots! There will be a king!"

"Huh? But you said..." Banzai started.

"I will be king! Stick with me, and you’ll never go hungry again!"

"All right! Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king!"

~~~

(One ‘Be Prepared’ song later)

"So, what’ve we gotta do - Boss?" asked Banzai.

"Why, it’s simple! Any fool could think of it! It’s on the tip of my tongue... only... erm..."

"What’s the matter, boss? Can’t you think of anything?"

"No, no, you idiots! It’s just that, well, there are so many ways to kill a lion king, and it’s all a matter of picking the best one, and, of course, getting away with it."

"Oooh! Oooh! I know! I know! Pick me! Pick me!" squealed Banzai.

"Yes?"

"You could poison a kill, then Mufasa will eat it, and he’ll die!" Banzai cackled.

Scar nodded sarcastically, "Nice idea," Banzai preened himself, "Until all the rest of the pride die when they eat the kill too! How the hell am I supposed to slap Sarabi around or give orders to the lionesses then? Numbskull!" Banzai visibly deflated.

"Hey, hey, I got one, I got one!" Shenzi yelled, "How about we get Mufasa to chase us into the Elephant Graveyard, then you push him into a boiling pit of molten lava! We got plenty of those!"

"That could work," conceded Scar, "If only I had any faith in your abilities as mercenaries." Shenzi’s face fell.

Suddenly Ed, who had hitherto been staring into space, burst into laughter, surprising them all, "EEEE!!!! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!!!! Ah-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-he-he-heee!!! KABOOM!!!"

"What the hell did he say?"

Banzai translated, "He said, ‘What about if we get Mufasa to carry a bowl of nachos at a party, then we trip him so as he falls face-first into them?’ Nice one, Ed!"

Scar’s face lit up, "Woah! That’s a good one!" Then his face fell, "But no, I want his death to be really painful and slow and strung out."

Shenzi leered, "Like Banzai’s worms?"

"Yes, exactly like that."

Suddenly, Ed burst into laughter again, "AAAAAEEEIIII!!!! He-he-he-he-heeeeee!!!! Mwa-hee-hee-hee!! HA HA HA!! Bam! Bam!! Bam!!! Hah-hah-hah-hah!!!"

"What did he say this time?"

Shenzi translated this time, "He said, ‘What if we lock him in a room and force him to play Rise of the Robots on a minimum spec Amiga against a deformed banana, until his brain melts?’."

Again, Scar’s eyes lit up, "OOOOH-HOO-HOOO!!!! Eddy, you evil son-of-a-gun! You’re almost as bad as me!! But again, no. How could we possibly make that look like an accident? What sort of idiot would want to play Rise of the Robots?"

"I liked it," said Banzai, reproachfully.

"My point exactly. No. I want to kill him. None of this assisted suicide crap."

Silence filled the cave as everyone tried to think of a slow, painful death. Finally Banzai spoke, "Well, how about if we tainted the waterhole with amoebic dysentery?"

Shenzi scowled, "Banzai, you moron! Do you have any idea of the mess that could make?"

Ed looked up and laughed "Hee-hee-hee-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! Mwa-haa-hee-hee-haa!!!!" Shenzi and Banzai looked at each other, horrified.

"What was that?"

Banzai translated, appalled, "He said, ‘How about we blindfold him and make him listen to Baku Baku Animal‘s hideously brain-melting soundtrack for nine hours straight until he begs us to kill him’. Ed, you are sick! Even Mufasa isn’t that bad!"

Shenzi broke the shocked silence, "Oh, I got one, I got one! How about we drop a boulder onto him!"

"Nice try Shenzi. But there’s no boulders around here. Ed, can’t you think of anything else?"

Ed creased his brow, then shook his head, no. Something rattled.

"Crap! Then we’ll just have to have him trampled by wildebeests in the gorge like we had done to those tourists a while back!"

"Yeah! We still have all the moves down pat! It’d be a walk in the savannah!"

The three hyenas sniggered, then Banzai looked up, "Hey boss, will we get any free T-shirts?"

"I swear, as soon as Mufasa is out of the way and my hold on the throne is secured, I’ll see to it that you get free

‘I kicked Mufasa’s Butt’ T-shirts. It’ll have a picture of his crushed corpse on it."

"All right!!" Shenzi and Banzai did a high five.

"Just don’t botch it up, all right?"

Banzai nodded, "Don’t worry about it boss. You can count on us. Hakuna Matata!"

"What are you talking about?"

Banzai shrugged, "Oh, sorry. It just kinda popped into my mind."

"Funny..." Scar started.

"...I didn’t know you had a mind!" Shenzi interrupted, and started to howl with laughter. Ed joined in.

"Hey hey hey hey HEY! That’s not funny!" Banzai snapped. They ignored him. After a few minutes, they stopped laughing, and Scar continued.

"That’s enough, you three. Right, I want to see you at your respective places near the gorge at high noon tomorrow. Understand?" The three hyenas nodded, "And if you mess it up..." Scar drew a claw graphically across his throat, and the trio gulped, simultaneously. "I’m glad we had this little talk." And Scar walked away with a spring in his step.

~~~                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Chapter 4 - Gadgets, Gadgets And More Gadgets...

Scar had just been thrown down Pride Rock, and somehow he had survived. He staggered to his paws. Shenzi, Banzai and Ed materialised. Scar looked up at them.

"Ah, my friends…"

Shenzi sniggered, nastily, "Fre-he-hends? I thought he said we were the enemy!"

Banzai nodded, "Yeah, that’s what I heard."

Shenzi and Banzai both turned to look at Ed, "Ed?"

Ed chuckled cruelly, "Heh-heh-heh…"

About fifty hyenas appeared out of the shadows and started to advance on Scar. He realised the horror of what they were about to do to him. He started to plead for his life, but he knew it was useless. The angry hyenas were about to set about him with baseball bats, sharpened ice-hockey skates and, for some reason, one of them had a Scar plush toy which Banzai quickly replaced with a pillowcase full of sharp rocks. The effect was completed by the fact that many of the hyenas were wearing T-shirts with ‘Gay Attack Patrol’ embossed on them. Suddenly Simba and the rest of the Lion King cast appeared. Scar looked up, immensely relieved.

"Oh, thank goodness you’ve come, Simba! These hyenas were about to kill me with those outdated and painful weapons!"

Simba totally ignored Scar, and turned to the hyenas, "Hang about, you can’t do stuff like that here! This is a children’s film!"

Shenzi just sneered at him, "Oh, butt outta our fight, you Gaylord!" Shenzi produced a baseball bat from her camouflage jacket in the same way as a conjurer would produce a size 10 rabbit from a size 5 hat. Because she was the matriarch, it was her privilege to have a large, rusty nail in it, "You can’t pull Scar’s murder off by yourself, so you give us all the rotten jobs!"

Banzai, as per usual, agreed with Shenzi, "Yeah! You couldn’t beat the stuffing out of a teddy bear, you big fairy!" He threw the Scar plushie at Simba and hefted his own baseball bat. It had ‘Gay Basher Champion’ written on the side in gold letters, and several bloodstains.

Simba threw the Scar plushie aside, "Yeah, maybe so, but this is the 1990’s! You can’t use hockey skates and baseball bats on Scar just because you feel like it! You’ve got to have a good reason first!"

Shenzi rolled her eyes, "So you want a reason, do you? That bastard is as gay as they come!"

Scar raised an eyebrow, "Got any proof on that?"

There was a mumble of general agreement from the hyenas who stood behind Shenzi, and Nala, who stood behind Simba. Shenzi then pointed the Portable Homosexual Detector (patent applied for) at Simba. The little monitor showed a straight line. She then pointed it at Banzai. Again, the monitor showed a straight line. Shenzi then pointed the Portable Homosexual Detector (patent applied for) at Ed. It made an unpleasant whirring noise, then spoke in a tinny little voice.

"Error, Error, Error, insufficient data…" Banzai hit Ed over the head with his baseball bat, "Straight."

Shenzi then pointed the Portable Homosexual Detector (patent applied for) at Timon. It started to flash red warning lights and emit smoke. Shenzi threw it into the air and a random hyena blasted it with a high powered air rifle. It exploded in mid-air. The Gay Attack Patrol look at each other, then half of them started to chase after Timon and Pumbaa. Scar started to look a little happier. Shenzi swore a couple of times.

"Oh gods! That dammed thing cost me twenty bucks. What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

Simba sighed, "Well, you could use the Portable Bastard Detector (patent applied for). If it tests positive, that will be a good enough excuse to kill Scar."

Shenzi shook her head, "No, if it’s used anywhere near a hyena it spontaneously explodes!"

They all paused in thought for a moment, then Banzai spoke up, "Hang on Shenzi, you’ve got the Portable Maniac Detector (patent applied for), haven’t you? It’s safe for up to 10m M/w, and it didn’t explode when we used it on Ed, did it?"

Shenzi nodded, pulled the Portable Maniac Detector (patent applied for) out of her backpack and turned it on. A selection of green bulbs proceeded to light up the monitor. She pointed it at Nala. The Portable Maniac Detector (patent applied for) rated her as giving off 20 M/w (Manic watts). Shenzi then pointed it at Banzai. It rated him as giving off 500 M/w. She pointed it at Ed. It buzzed madly and several lights flashed. It rated him as giving off 10,000,000 M/w, and the ability to power a small city. She pointed it at Scar. It promptly exploded, and threw Shenzi off her feet, into a small pile of rocks and unconciousness. Several random hyenas gathered around her and tried to wake her up.

Scar sighed in frustration, "Oh, okay, so I’m totally insane. But this is a kid’s movie! You can’t just kill me with all those children watching! And even if you could, it’s just not realistic! How can hyenas use baseball bats and sharpened ice hockey skates on a lion? Ha! I’ve got you there!"

Everyone nodded sadly. Then Banzai looked up as he had another of those ideas that sound quite stupid when first suggested, but when thought about for a while, will actually work quite well, "Hey, hey, I’ve got an idea! We could arrange it so as the flames rise up and conceal exactly what we’re doing to Scar, but the kids still know that he’s been killed! Then, everyone’s happy!"

Scar hesitated "Er, yes! And when I escape, that leaves room for a sequel! The Lion King II! Scar Returns!"

Simba ignored him, "Right, right. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. You boys, get those flames working!"

Several random hyenas nodded, "Yes, sir!"

Scar looked rather unsure for a moment, "Uh, Simba, is this one of those times where you suddenly turn on the hyenas, saving your dear old uncle from otherwise certain death?"

Simba laughed, "You must be mad! I’d be ripped apart! Now Scar, you know your lines…"

Scar promptly began to scream loudly, "No, l-l-let me explain! No, you don’t understand!! No, I didn’t mean to - No!!! NO!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!"

The flames rose up and drowned out the stuff that the hyenas were doing to Scar that would have made the film something other than U. Eventually, the camera stopped rolling.

Shenzi grinned, "Okay, now that’s done, we’ll be off."

A small, patchwork helicopter that was made out of about three different aircraft, but was at least half an Apache, landed a few yards away. Simba pulled out an AK-47 that had been cleverly hidden behind a rock, aimed it at Banzai’s head, and fired. Banzai ducked just as the gun went off, and it blew a hole right through the helicopter and out the other side. Some red goo leaked out from where the pilot had been sitting.

"What the hell did you do that for?! I thought this was an African children’s film?!" Banzai screamed.

Shenzi agreed, "Yeah! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get hold of a decent helicopter pilot now-a-days?"

Simba explained, "The cameras have stopped rolling. Now you hyena scum are going to die!"

Shenzi sighed, then pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun from her backpack. Banzai pulled his revolver from its hidden place in his pocket and Ed, whom no-one trusted with any sort of firearm, hefted his baseball bat yet again. It seemed that they had arrived at an impasse.

Shenzi sniggered, "It seems that we have arrived at an impasse, your majesty."

Ed laughed, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!"

Banzai paused, then snapped angrily, "There is no way in hell that I am flying that helicopter, Ed! I’ve only ever taken three lessons! I don’t even know whether I can fly it yet!"

Simba fired the gun at Shenzi’s hind paws, "Get the hell out of my Pride Lands, NOW!!"

Shenzi looked at the smoking crater at her feet, and tried very hard not to pass out, "Well, now’s your chance to find out, Banzai."

An extremely light-headed and rather frazzled Shenzi was helped into the patchwork helicopter by Banzai and Ed. Banzai somehow flew the helicopter away into the sunset, quite badly, all of them singing the last verse of the hyena’s national anthem. The last of the Gay Attack Patrol ran off, chased away by the lionesses. Timon and Pumbaa were rescued. You know the last part of the story.

~~~                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Chapter 5 - What Banzai Does In His Spare Time...

A large red Lamborgini sports car pulled up outside the Pride Lands National Bank, which doubled at night as a casino. It was occupied by Shenzi and Banzai. Banzai was driving, and wore a black leather jacket and red scarf, with blue jeans. Shenzi’s clothing on the other hand appeared to be the entire contents of a lace factory.

"Right, this is the place." Shenzi spoke in a curiously husky, calm voice. You couldn’t imagine it being used to shout with. On her face was a pleasant smile, which contrasted sharply with Banzai’s horrible sneer.

Banzai sniggered, "Those lion scum will be sorry they ever messed with us!" He primed his Tommy gun, "Where’s Ed, anyway?"

"He’s on a date. He should be along in a minute. Now remember, we hit ‘em, and we hit ‘em hard." Shenzi primed her own shotgun with a ‘click’, and for a moment, her calm smile turned to a ghastly leer matching Banzai's own. Then, just as quickly, it became peaceful once again.

~~~

Inside the casino, money was changing paws in considerable amounts. Most of the animals were lions, but there were a few zebras, a meerkat, and even a giraffe trying to avoid bashing his head on the ceiling. On the wall, there hung a large poster of a lion. Then, there was a sudden, loud crash as the door was kicked open. After a brief babble of surprise, the casino became silent as they saw the guns in the hyenas’ paws.

"Oh no," moaned a small gazelle cashier to the zebra on her left, "It’s them. Banzai the Kid and ‘Shotgun’ Shenzi Malign. I knew they’d come to get us sooner or later..."

"Everybody shut up and get down!" yelled Banzai. The customers looked at each other in shock, "I said get down!" He fired his Tommy gun at the ceiling, hitting a large TV monitor. It imploded with a hollow boom. Everybody hit the floor.

Shenzi spoke up, her voice breaking the silence, "Now Banzai, baby, you’ve had your fun." She patted him on the head, then she turned to the customers, "Greetings from your friendly neighbourhood hyena casino robbers. You may have been waiting for us to come and pay a visit, and I assure you, our service will not disappoint."

Just then, the door was kicked in again, and Ed padded in. He was dressed identically to Banzai, but the expression on his face was one of almost childlike innocence. Somehow, this made it worse when he cocked his own Tommy gun and fired it at the space above a huddling lionesses’ head. Plaster rained down on her as she cowered in fear.

"It’s people like you that give us a bad name," said Banzai to Ed, crossly. Ed just laughed.

"Oh gods, now I can tell my grandchildren that I saw Smaller Than Medium Small Eddie but Larger Than Wee Ned Eddy and lived," whimpered the lioness, "I hope."

(The hyena underworld, which was so large that it resided under it’s overworld like a very small hen on a very large clutch of ostrich eggs, already had Crazy Ed, Big Ed, Little Ed, Medium Ed, Smallish Edwin, Posh Edmund, Wee Ned, Big Bad Neddy, Little Ted, and Medium Small Eddie. It made searching for a specific criminal more like looking for a jumper in a very large clothes store.)

All eyes were on Ed and his Tommy gun. Shenzi fired her shotgun into the ceiling. Attention instantly reverted back to her, and she smiled pleasantly.

"Now that the third member of our little gang is here, the ransacking can begin. Please hand over all your money, valuables and weaponry without making a fuss. You must understand that we don’t mind killing you, but corpse robbing is degrading and unpleasant." Shenzi turned to Banzai and Ed, "Banzai, get the tills! Ed, get the wallets!"

As the two males started to strip the place of anything valuable, Timon stepped forward, his voice shaking, "King Simba... will stop you. You won’t get away with this!"

Shenzi raised a carefully manicured eyebrow, "Oh dear, do people really say that?" She leaned down, and Timon realised that he was nose to nose with a hyena who had 23 notches on her shotgun, "I’ve got away with it. Where is your precious king now? Hiding under his rock like the cockroach he is. Now get back in line, or you’re going to be under a rock too. Six feet under."

As Banzai stuffed cash into a large canvas bag, his eyes fell on a ring set with a small diamond on a lionesses’ paw, "I’ll take that!" he yelled, and tried to grab it. The lioness cried out.

"No! This belonged to my mother! It’s not worth much, really!" She struggled and Banzai let his Tommy gun hover under her nose.

"Banzai?" Shenzi’s voice was still calm, "Put the ring down."

"WHAT?! But Shenzi-"

Shenzi crossed the room with two strides and knocked the ring from Banzai’s paw. Raising her gun and pointing it at Banzai’s head, she snarled, "I said, put the ring down! If you want to harass the customers, do so in your own time!"

Silently, Banzai nodded and finished emptying the tills, while Ed gathered up the last of the wallets. Shenzi stood there, smiling calmly again, with her feet set apart, and the double-barrelled shotgun that had given considerable contribution to her nickname trained on the terrified crowd, as Banzai and Ed moved to stand behind her.

"Oh yes, and before I go, I’d like you to give your wonderful King Simba a brief message from me." Shenzi took a small, shining revolver from her belt, still smiling peacefully, "I’ll try to make it an easy one to remember." The crowd of animals flattened themselves against the floor, as she spun around and unloaded the entire clip into the center of the Lion King poster that hung on the wall, "And now," Shenzi lifted the smoking weapon in a mock salute, "Do enjoy the rest of your evening!"

~~~                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Chapter 6 - Bachelors For Sale!

Pride Rock has a large sign saying "Bachelors for sale’ above it today.

Upon entering the Rock, there was a stage upon which Rafiki was standing in front of a large crowd of the Pride Lands and Beyond females. They included Nala, Zira, Shenzi, Kiara, Vitani, Sarabi and Sarafina. He picked up his microphone, tapped it gently and began to speak.

"Hello, and welcome, all you lovely bachelorettes, welcome to dee Pride Lands Charity Bachelor Auction! Any money we raise tonight will go towards dee MCMDA! (Mufasa’s Charity for Mentally Disturbed Animals) and help dose poor creatures who have had dere minds twisted and blackened by terrible tragedies!"

Zira leaned over to Shenzi, "What?! No-one told me that this was going to the MCMDA! I want out of here!"

Shenzi shook her head, "It’s too late now. Anyway, if it wasn’t going to a charity, the only males we’d get coming here would be the really desperate bastards! At least with charities involved, there might be four or five decent males."

Rafiki ignored the general arguing going on, and started, "Well, our first Bachelor likes lying, murdering, and taking advantage of those weaker, smaller or less important than him. He hates pretty much everybody, but that deedn’t stop heem from becoming king of dee Pride Lands for a short while! Eeeeeet’s Scar!"

Scar stepped forward from behind the curtains. There was an ominous silence from the crowd of females. Rafiki sighed.

"Okay, ladies, place your bids!" More silence, "Okay, I got no bucks, no bucks, who’ll give me a buck for an evening weeth dee delectable Scar?!" Rafiki sighed again, "Okay I got no bucks, no bucks, no bucks for an evening weeth Scar, going once, going twice, gone, for no bucks!"

"Oh my gods…" muttered Scar, as he walked over to the reject pile.

"Our next Bachelor likes women and men, experimenting with unusual cuisine and wild living! Eeeeeet’s Timon!" Timon stepped onto the stage, swaggering slightly.

Shenzi spoke up loudly, "You couldn’t pay me to date that weirdo!" Timon deflated.

Nala shook her head, "Why not? You didn’t used to mind when males paid you to date them!"

Timon started walking over to the rejects pile, "Thank the gods," he said, clearly, "That I didn’t have to date any one of those girls!"

"I heard that!" screamed Zira, "I’ll pay fifty bucks to make his life hell for an evening!"

"No you won’t, mother!" shouted Vitani, "I’ll pay one hundred bucks!"

"Two hundred!" bellowed Shenzi.

"Four hundred bucks!" shouted Zira. Shenzi and Vitani looked at each other and shook their heads at Rafiki.

"Okay, we have got four hundred bucks! Will anyone make an advance on four hundred bucks? Four hundred bucks going once, four hundred bucks going twice, sold to dee lovely... um... to Zira for four hundred bucks! Zira, you can make your cheque out at the door." Timon began to sob as he was dragged away by Zira.

"Okay, Bachelor number tree likes women with a sense of humour and no sense of smell, mud baths, slimy insects, and discussing philosophy under dee stars. Eeeeeet's Pumbaa!"

Pumbaa walked onto the stage, emitting a loud flatulent sound as he did so. Several females passed out, and he walked straight over to the rejects pile without waiting for Rafiki to start the bidding.

"Our fourth Bachelor enjoys watching pro-wrestling, inciting and taking part in large-scale riots, group larceny and comparing battle scars! He likes making bad jokes and women that are real bitches! It’s Banzai the Hyena!"

Banzai walked onto the stage and posed a couple of times. There was a notable silence. Finally, Shenzi stood up.

"I bid one buck."

Another hyena female stood up, "No, I bid one buck fifty!"

Shenzi punched the other female in the face, knocking her out, "Two bucks, and that’s twice what he’s worth."

Banzai had swaggered halfway off the stage before he was dragged off by Shenzi and out of the door. The sound of a Lamborgini’s wheels spinning before it drove off at high speed was heard.

"Okay," said Rafiki, "Our fifth Bachelor tonight is all dee way from dee Outlands! Hees hobbies include trying to make hees mother notice him, squashing termites and getting hees little brother into trouble! Eeeeeet’s Nuka!"

Nuka walked onto the stage, but before he could get three steps forward, he tripped over a chair, fell off the stage and down the steps, finally lying in a crumpled heap in front of Nala and Vitani. He was dragged away by a small veterinarian down the middle aisle.

Rafiki looked after him, "Oh what the hell, no-one would have bidden for him anyway." He continued, "Our sixth bachelor tonight likes to laugh, steal food, and women who take their clothes off for money! Eeeeeet’s Ed!"

Ed walked onto the stage laughing, but he didn’t even wait for the bidding to start, and just walked straight over to the ‘reject’ box.

~~~                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Chapter 7 - Who Does Drugs In The Pride Lands?

It was just another sunny day in the Pride Lands as Rafiki wandered along to the waterhole. It had been quite some time since his busy schedule had allowed him to take a stroll on his own, and he even began to sing his happy little nonsense song.

"Asante sana, squash banana, we we nugu mi mi apana..." he sang, and repeated it over again. Seeing no-one else at the waterhole made him even happier. There wasn’t a soul to bother him about their stupid stomach problems, twisted ankles or unplanned pregnancies. It really was quiet and peaceful. He took a deep drink of water, "Ah, dee water ees so cool and refreshing, don’t you tink, Ed?" He turned to the hyena who had tried to sneak up behind him.

How does he do that, Ed wondered to himself, I know I don’t make any noise, and I washed only last month, "Yeah, yeah Rafiki. Cut the crap. You got the junk?" Ed had a unusually coherent look on his face, and he didn’t seem too happy about it.

Rafiki seemed insulted, "Junk? You insult me, Ed. Dees ees top quality Alba!"

"Whatever. Can I see it?"

"Okay," Rafiki reached into a hole in a tree and took out a large hidden pouch. He opened the bag to reveal some Alba blossoms, "Now dat ees good quality Alba! Mmm-mmm! Can’t you already feel dat high?"

Ed poked his nose into the bag cautiously, and a whiff of the blossoms caught him. Rafiki closed the bag just as he smiled happily for a second, "Okay, I’ll take the whole bag."

"Dee whole bag? But only last week you bought two kilos of Alba from me!"

"Well, I think my brother’s found my stash. He’s been hitting on the boss a lot more anyway."

Rafiki’s face twisted up in distaste as he imagined Banzai hitting on Shenzi. Then he wiped the thought from his mind, "Well? What have you got to offer me?"

"Lemmee see..." Ed pulled out a large bag, "I got some of those gourds you use, and some fruit, oh yeah and some absinthe. Half the bottle’s still left."

"Okay, I’ll take dee lot."

"What? The whole bag for that little pouch? That’s ridiculous!"

"Hey, eef you can find a more reliable drug dealer dees side of Pride Rock, you go to heem. On dee other paw, you can either give me dee bag or go into re-hab."

Ed considered his options, then said, "Re-hab is for quitters." He handed Rafiki his bag, and Rafiki handed Ed his bag. Ed took a pawful of the stuff and a cigarette paper, and rolled them expertly into a joint, "Got a light?"

"Sure," said Rafiki, handing Ed a box of matches. Ed lit the joint after a couple of attempts, then inhaled deeply a few times, "Is et good?" Rafiki asked Ed politely.

Ed turned slowly to look at Rafiki, who had oddly taken it into his head to change himself into a pink komodo dragon with five legs and wearing a straw boater hat, "Arggle barg moorble whoosh." he said.

"Ah, dee trip ees hitting you already?"

It was then the rush hit Ed. He fell to the earth in a ball of frantically thrashing fur and started screaming, "Oh, gods Rafiki! Get them off me! They’re everywhere, oh gods, they’re green!" He slapped at his head desperately and screamed louder, "OhGodsOhGodsOhGodsOhGodsOhGodsOhGodsOhGodsOhGodsOhGodsOhGodsOhGods!!!!" He began to laugh hysterically.

Rafiki sighed and filled a fresh gourd with water from the waterhole. He then offered it to Ed. Ed stared at it for a second, then screamed again.

"Oh gods, no!! Not water!!!" He jumped up and ran twice around the waterhole, still clawing at his body, then lowered his head, charged directly at the tree that grew next to the waterhole, and head-butted it as hard as possible. Then he passed out cold.

Rafiki then proceeded to go through Ed’s pockets. They contained some strange looking pills, some stranger looking mushrooms, cigarette papers, a bag of white powder, the number of the local drugs helpline (in Shenzi’s handwriting), and a hypodermic needle (used).

Just then, about ten large black panthers with N.A.R.C. splayed all over the back of their jackets, and one cameraman jumped out of their hiding places in the bushes. One slapped a pair of handcuffs onto Rafiki’s wrists, "You’re under arrest!" one shouted.

"What? What ees dee meaning of dees?"

"We've been trying to capture this one in the act for quite some time," quipped one N.A.R.C. agent to the cameraman. He turned to Rafiki. "Alba may be your means of escape, but not this time, scumbag! You’re under arrest, by order of king Simba!"

"What? Why would Seemba order my arrest?"

"We’ve found out about you supplying Alba to his daughter, Kiara! We don't tolerate this sort of drug abuse in the Pride Lands! You should have stuck to the Elephant Graveyard, trash!"

"Wait! Wait, I can help you! Do you want to know where I’ve been getting my main supply from? I’ll tell you!"

The N.A.R.C. agent sneered, "We already know about your little lioness friend, Zira! However, she’s out of our juristriction right now, the FBI wants her for attempted world domination. You’re all outta tricks today, Shaman! Ha!" As the other N.A.R.C. agents started to drag Rafiki away, kicking and screaming, the officer turned back to the camera-man. "It’s a shame what happened to him. He used to be a community leader, for godssakes! Now he’s reduced to the level of an Alba dealer, selling this crap," he bent down and plucked the dog-end from out of Ed’s mouth, "...to these pathetic hyena druggies to fund his own addiction - ming vase collecting. It’s pitiful, the lengths some people will go to."

Another N.A.R.C. agent grabbed the unconscious Ed by the legs and threw him over his shoulder roughly, then started to leave. Suddenly, he was approached by Shenzi.

"Excuse me, but why did you begin to work as a N.A.R.C. agent?" she asked.

"Uh, it pays well..."

"Okay," Shenzi counted off a wad of bills with a practised paw, "Eighty, ninety, five hundred bucks." She offered the wad to the panther. He accepted it, and dropped Ed back on the ground. Shenzi picked Ed up by a hind leg, and started to drag him away, banging his head on a few rocks as she did so.

"It just goes to show," said the agent to the cameraman, totally unaware of the active corruption going on behind his back, "Crime doesn’t pay. Gods, I love my job!"

~~~

The End

Loa - I feel that I must now give my sincerest apologies to anyone out there who is in horrified fascination reading this fanfic. I have nothing against them at all as individuals, and they are entitled to their own opinions and beliefs. If you managed to stay awake this far, I congratulate you, and I apologise if I insulted you, which I probably did. I was trying to be funny, okay? And I did warn you.

Still, it was a crap story, wasn’t it?