Channel Education/Information -
Multiply Your Friends With Home Cloning
Even though I don't own The Lion King, Channel Education/Information does belong to me. So don't steal it, or I'll chew off your favorite character's legs, okay? And this fanfic prooves that hyenas aren't quite as stupid as you think they are. Of course, I could be wrong...
(Cut to a small, but clean kitchen/cave hidden in the Pridelands, a middle-aged hyena reporter stands at a stone table. She is handed an old, once-broken-but-now-fixed-with-sticky-tape microphone by another hyena, and animals of various species are the camera-people and sound guys.)
Random Zebra: Rolling!
Loa: (Smiling widely) Hello, and welcome once again to Channel Education/Information. Today, I will educate you on the wonders of home cloning. Having replicas of yourself is a great advantage, and an even better alibi. Say, for example, that you want to murder your brother. First, create a few clones to go and kill him, while you make sure that you are at some well attended, annual public event. Don't forget to buy a large, expensive souvineer, and remember to have a long chat with the storekeeper at the same time. Any witnesses to the murder will be presumed either drunk, or perhaps even insane, and you will have gotten away with murder!
(The door of the studio opens, and Banzai walks in.)
Loa: Ah, our first guest, and my assistant for today, has finally arrived! Hello, Banzai!
Banzai: Hi, Loa! I watch your show every day! With your help, I managed to perform brain surgery on my brother!
Loa: (writhing under the camera's unblinking gaze.) Aha. Very funny, Banzai. Anyway, Banzai here has succeeded in creating over 3000 clones of both himself and his younger brother, Ed. Would you like to give us a quick demonstration of your technique, Banzai?
Banzai: Sure! Well, you will need...
(A list comes up on the screen. We see that one of the stage hands - a giraffe, this time - is actually holding it up. Banzai reads it out loud.)
Assorted culture dishes
8 x 2lb jars of genetic jelly
2lb best beef-steak
(The giraffe stage hand is pushed away.)
Loa: Now, before you start, you should wash your hands, and put out your cigarette.
(She does so.)
Banzai: There aren't many things in life more exciting in life than being at the forefront of a scientific discovery.
Loa: Except, perhaps, watching gardening programmes while standing on your head.
Banzai: Anyway, the first difficulty when starting to enter the wonderful world of home science, comes from deciding on a brand-new field where the lack of competition will give you an instantaneous advantage.
Loa: In this case, the field that we have selected, is cloning.
Banzai: Before actually starting to manipulate the genetic code, it's worth taking a look at one of the basic structures you will be dealing with - Genes!
Loa: Genes are the fundamental components of hereditry. They're located in living tissue.
Banzai: Genes are also extremely hardwearing, and can be washed repeatedly, without any noticeable deterioation. With this knowledge, you could make genes into clothes!
Loa: Um, Banzai, jeans are... Oh, here comes our next guest! It's our volenteer! Timon!
(The door opens, and Timon walks in.)
Banzai: Always, always make sure that your volenteer has signed all of the nessecery legal papers. This will prevent many uncomfortable legal repercussions later, when you can produce these paperss, to prove that the volenteer knew exactly what was going on.
Loa: Even if they didn't.
(Banzai hands Timon a contract. Timon signs it without reading it, then looks around)
Timon: Hey! This doesn't look like a bug-eating competition! I starved myself for 24 hours, and there's nothing here to eat! Oh, here's some beef-steak!
(Banzai slaps Timon's paw away from the steak.)
Banzai: That's for later!
Loa: It's probably a good idea to start with a small, unintelligent person -
Timon: What do you mean, unintelligent? What the hell is going on here?
Loa: - on the basis that the smaller and less intelligent the person, the less cells there are to dupilcate. For the same reason, it may be wise to miss out the genes which make birthmarks, moles, hair, teeth, fingernails, and other non-essential details. When you've mastered the general techniques of cloning-
Timon: Cloning? Nobody said anthing about-
Loa: -you can concentrate on the finer points which will give the finished piece that extra touch of quality.
(Timon starts to try to run away. Loa puts out a paw and grabs him by the scruff of his neck)
Banzai: As with any experimental field of research and development, there will be plenty of people ready to offer you a host of contrasting advice. They may also propose that you use their own techniques. You may well listen, but remember, they are a load of busybodies and idiots. Do not allow yourself to be swayed.
Loa: (still holding Timon.) Yes. No matter how much higher their IQ is, they know no more about the dangers - I mean, the wonders of cloning than you do.
Banzai: A popular method for extracting genes, is the Vacuum Method. First, ensure that your volenteer is relaxed. If they are tense, that may disrupt, or even prevent the flow of genes. In some cases it may even prevent the bicycle pump being removed from the navel.
(There is some noise coming from outside the cave.)
Loa: There are many complicated and interesting methods to relax your volenteer. We will use the most popular and simplest method, to speed things up.
(Loa hits Timon on the back of the head with a rock. He collapses, and she lifts him onto the large slab of rock that makes a table.)
Banzai: Place the volenteer on a couch or table, and bare the midriff, exposing the navel. Wash the navel and surrounding area well with a mild antiseptic.
(Throughout this, the noise outside the cave is steadily increasing. Loa is following the instructions which Banzai is dictating to the camera, and seems oblivious to the noise. Banzai doesn't stop smiling all through his instructions, though his eyes are darting nervously.)
Banzai: Next, take the large plate of good-quality beef steak that has been diced into small cubes, and place it on a chair, next to the couch or table.
Loa: (Looking up from the beef-steak) It must be the best quality beef-steak. No old or sick animals will do, or you may find yourself with unsatisfactory results such as these!
(She holds up a picture of Dolly the Sheep, who is only now being diagnosed with some nasty aging illnesses and various spectrum disorders.)
Banzai: Insert the nozzle of the bicycle pump well into the volenteer's navel, and with a continuous, fluid motion, draw out the handle. When it is fully extended, carefully remove the nozzle and place it well inside the heap of diced beefsteak, before gently pressing in the pump handle to expel the gases extracted from your volenteer.
(Loa has now finished these instructions.)
Loa: But remember to hold the nozzle of the pump with a firm grip when expelling the genetic vapour, to avoid scattering it beyond the target area. Genes are very, very small, and can be easily mislaid!
Banzai: Once all of this has been done, place the pile of meat in a large kilner jar and incubate, but don't forget to pierce holes in the lid to ensure an adequate air supply! Now all you have to do is wait for your duplicate person to grow up with feelings of resentment towards you and your volenteer.
Loa: Whether you intend to duplicate people simply for your own amusement or to provide yourself with additional income, you must remember that patience is your greatest ally in your quest to revolutionise our world.
(Loa and Banzai bend down and look into the kilner jar. The camera focuses on them and we watch silently for several minutes. They are obviously waiting for the beef-steak to do something. It does nothing, as we would expect. Suddenly, two dozen jackals wielding large guns charge into the room.)
Banzai: What the hellfire is happening here?!
Loa: Oh gods! Not those idiots again!
Captain of the Jackals: Stop what you're doing, right now, Loa!
(The Jackals start to smash up the room. Four handcuff Banzai while another throws away the incubating meat.)
Banzai: No! Not my baby!
(One of the Jackals pounds something on the back of Banzai's head, shutting him up.)
Captain of the Jackals: Get the female!
(The rest of the Jackals - fourteen of them - make a dive at Loa. She fights free of them, presses the red 'escape' button and escapes the S.A.S again, as before. One does make it through the door before it closes this time, but his tail is sliced off. We can hear a scream from behind the door, then a short struggle, then we hear the sound of gunshots. The remainder of the S.A.S cannot get through the door.)
Random Jackal: This transmission is over! (Smashes the camera.)
The End (but not quite...)
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