Interveiw with Timon - Insider Information on TLK 1 1/2
If anyone out there steals Channel Education/Information, I will cause their favorite character large and considerable amounts of pain.
Even if their favorite character is a hyena.
Oh, and by the way, I got the insparation for this fanfic from Brian's useful information on the TLK 1 1/2 sequel, on his website. It took me ages to read all of that information, so if anyone whines about it being inaccurate, I'll chew their favorite character's legs off. This fanfic is supposed to be humorous. It's a joke. You know, those things that make you go, 'Ha ha' and wobble with mirth in front of your computer monitor while you waste time and money reading this fanfic on the internet...
(Cut to scene: Inside a nice little cave hidden deep in the Pridelands, a nice (?) middle-aged female hyena reporter is sitting down at a stone table. She is being handed a microphone by another, male hyena, another load of hyenas are getting ready to take some notes, and animals of various species are playing the roles of the cameramen and sound guys.)
Random Elephant: Okay, Loa, we're ready to go!
Loa: (who has remembered to wear her glasses today.) Hello, and welcome to Channel Education/Information, where only the information counts, and we don't give a flying lepoard's toss about how we get it!
Random Gazelle: Uh, Loa...
Loa: It's been a while, but we've finally managed to find another base to broadcast from. Today, we have Timon with us. He doen't seem to remember any of the, um... unfortunate incidents that have occoured in the past. No matter... here he is now! Timon!!
Timon: Hi, everybody! I'm really important! (some canned applause erupts from the speakers and lasts for exactly 2.5 seconds, before stopping abruptly, as if someone has flicked a switch.)
Loa: Hi, Timon! But before we start, it's only me here who's important here. Now, Timon, will you tell us all about the second sequel to TLK? For example, what is it going to be called?
Timon: Well, the title keeps on changing, but its current name is The Lion King 1 1/2.
Loa: (looks surprised) Now that is the crappest, most uninspired name for a film that I have ever heard.
Timon: Yeah, that's what I told the directors. In fact everyone who's acting in the film thinks so, but the directors couldn't think of anything better. I told them that it would make them look as if they were only milking the Cash Cow even more, and running out of ideas at the same time, but they wouldn't listen to me.
Loa: Who does?
Timon: What was that?
Loa: Nothing, nothing. Well, can you tell us anything else about the movie? Like, when is it going to be released?
Timon: Well, the release date keeps changing, but we're almost certain that it will be released before 2010. The current release date is Friday 13th 2004.
Loa: Friday the 13th? That sounds a bit unlucky, doesn't it?
Timon: Well, we are trying to get it out as quickly as possible.
Loa: Hmmm, yes. And what is the plot of TLK 1 1/2?
Timon: Well, I'm the hero this time. The plot is all about me, and how incredibly clever and wonderful I am. Of course, you can't have Timon without Pumbaa, so he's a big star of it as well. It's mostly about why I left that stupid meerkat colony to live alone, and how I met Pumbaa. And why we started to travel together. And probably tells the viewers how I can stand his awful stench.
Loa: That's useful. Everybody want to know that. Well, are there any new characters in it?
Timon: Well, I get a mother, and an uncle probably. He's to be called Uncle Max, by the way. And the Disney guys have decided that this film is going to decide once and for all which way I'm sexually inclined!
Loa: Hmmm... useful... What's your favorite scene?
Timon: It's the scene where I save Pumbaa from a deadly gang of hyenas. That's the best scene in the whole movie, if you ask me. But of course, all the scenes that star me are brilliant!
(We can hear the sound of arguing coming from outside the interveiw room. Timon is starting to look rather nervous, though Loa doesn't look worried in the least. Hellfire, it's her job to not look worried.)
Loa: Wait, wait, you mentioned the hyenas?
Timon: Yes! The hyenas are back, or so it seems.
Loa: All right! (Loa gets up and dances around the room. She comes to sit down again, after a while.) Now, all of this information has been very useful to us, Timon! Now, can you tell us what your favorite type of bug is?
Timon: What's this got to do with the interveiw?
Loa: Well, that's how you're going to be paid for your time.
Timon: Well, yes, of course I can tell you! It's got to be aphids. What I mean is that I love aphids. I mean, I love really good aphids, not those horrible, tasteless, store-bought aphids.
Loa: Fine. Well, that will be your payment - aphids!
(Loa produces a large bowl of aphids. Timon begins to eat them frantically)
Loa: You know, I'm actually running out of things to write here, and there's still a good page of this fanfic to fill up yet. So, how about we talk about something totally unrelated to 'The Lion King 1 1/2'?
Timon: (who has already finished his aphids) Fair enough. Like what?
Loa: Well, there's always the Street Fighter and Anime stuff - hang on, that gives me an idea for my next fanfic!
Timon: What's a fanfic?
Loa: Never you mind. Well, did you like the game 'Street Fighter II'?
Timon: No. But I do think that Ryu is one hot b@st@rd.
Loa: But he's not even a meerkat! And he's a guy! And he's in love with Ken! Everyone who's anyone knows that!
Timon: Who cares?
Loa: And he's poor!
Timon: He is? Oh, maybe I'd better leave him be, then.
Loa: I prefer Guile. Now that sulky, miserable face is what you've gotta call hot.
Timon: Guile? But he's a psychopath!
(The noise coming from outside the interveiw room is gradually increasing. Loa begins to finger the special 'escape' button, nervously, but she's still got a huge smile on her face.)
Loa: That doesn't matter, anyway. I've just thought of something else that's at least vauguely to do with 'The Lion King'. Well, what do you think will be the next title for the next Lion King sequel, Timon?
Timon: What makes you think there's going to be yet another Lion King sequel?
Loa: Well, I'm not quite sure. The Disney guys might well say that they're not making another sequel, but they've said that before, haven't they?
Timon: You've got a point there. Well, now that I think about it, there are quite a few titles that another TLK sequel could be. It could be either 'The Lion King 1 3/4: Pumbaa's Revenge', or possibly even, 'The Lion King 2 1/2: Kiara Gets A Facelift'. You never know, do you?
Loa: Yes, Timon, you're absolutely right there! I prefer the idea of a 'The Lion King 2 1/4: Why Some Lion As Hot As Kovu Is Attracted To Some Lioness As Crappy As Kiara'. You never know... Well, goodbye from Channel Education/Information, where we trust no-one and believe nothing!
(The door to the interview room bursts off it's hinges, and the S.A.S charge in. There's more of them than ever this time, which is quite understandable, since this is Channel Education/Information's third showing.)
Loa: Oh bugger! Why do these guys always show up?
Captain of the Jackals: Loa, you're under arrest!
Loa: Would you at least tell me who's keeping on grassing the location that we're filming from up?
Captain of the Jackals: Go to hell!
(Timon is arrested. Loa hammers the 'escape' button frantically. A door slides open in the wall. Loa dodges through it.)
Loa: So long, suckers!
(The camera bursts into static.)
The End (sort of...)
Don't forget to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org ! Because... I'm wonderful!