Chapter V: Recall

I woke a couple of hours later. I got up and walked outside, seeing the sun coming up. Kovu was sitting on the edge of Pride Rock, blocking most of the sunlight. I walked to him.

“Good morning, sire.”

Kovu turned to look at me. “Good morning, Taraju.”

“It’s Akasare, sire.”

“Of course. In good time.” He turned and continued to watch the sun rise. I sat down behind him and watched as well. “So why are you up so early?”

“I just woke up.”

“As good a reason as any.”

I felt my stomach growl. I realized I hadn’t eaten since what little lunch provided the day before. Breakfast and dinner had always been the big meals. “Sire, would you mind if I caught breakfast?”

Kovu turned around to me, mildly surprised. “We normally let the lionesses do the hunting.” That, at least, didn’t change here.

“I’m sorry sire, but it has been a while since I have eaten. And you of all people should know what the food is like in the Outlands.”

“It’s probably gotten better than when I was there.” He knows about the changes. “We do have some food left over from the night before.” I stared at him. I didn’t want half-eaten leftovers. I wanted blood. “Alright, you may go. Just don’t bring back more than you need.”

“Thank you, sire.” I left Pride Rock, uncertain of which direction to go. I chose to go east, hoping to find herds. I was lucky. I ran across a group of antelope and wildebeest grazing, with some of them just now getting up. I didn’t waste time on stalking; there was no need for it on animals this groggy. It was just like being back at Lakeside. I quickly cut down a wildebeest, and then an antelope before I remembered that this wasn’t Lakeside, and that I wasn’t hunting for an entire pride. I watched as the rest of the two herds scattered, leaving me and my two kills. I placed the antelope on my back and the wildebeest in my mouth.

When I did arrive at Pride Rock, Kovu did stare at me strangely, probably wondering how I was going to eat all that meat by myself. I could always give some of it to Tumai. Most of the lionesses were up by now and were out of the den. They stared, too, but I had gotten used to that last night. I shook off the antelope and dragged the wildebeest into Tumai. I dropped it in front of her and left to get the antelope. I came back in to see her staring at me. I dropped the carcass and started eating.

“You know, we usually let the lionesses do the hunting,” she pointed out.

“I feel better if I kill my own,” I replied. “Just a personal thing. Used to it.” I continued eating as I heard Fujo’s voice.

“Hey, whatcha got there guys? Smells like fresh meat.” I saw him extend his paw to my kill. “Always love a fresh—”

I slammed my paw down on top of his. No one stole food from me. No one. “You can get your own,” I snarled. I twisted my paw on his, watching him wince with satisfaction before I let go and turned back to eating.

“O-kay. Okay, okay, okay.” He paused. “So, how are the head problems going? Any lights popping on in there?” He paused again. “Well that’s good, I’m glad we’re making such excellent progress. And hey, you did it all by yourself. Doesn’t that make you feel proud?”

I finally finished eating. “Does he ever shut up?” I asked Tumai.

“Rarely,” she said. She still wasn’t finished. They ate so leisurely around here. I picked up a bone from my carcass, played with it idly. I really needed to get back to the Outlands. There was nothing to do here.

“Hey, I do sometimes,” protested Fujo. I put the bone in my mouth and easily bit through it, breaking it in three pieces, then spit the piece in my mouth across the den. Not exactly proper etiquette for a guest, but they said I lived here. “Just . . . not when you’re around,” continued Fujo. I got up. If this was where I was going to get my memories back, I might as well start. I walked out of the den to see Kovu waiting for me.

“Your majesty, thank you for your hospitality.” I walked past him down the steps of Pride Rock, and ran across the savannah, hearing Fujo yell out “Hey, where do you think you’re going?” I didn’t know. I just needed somewhere quiet to sit and think. Somewhere with no one around. I finally arrived at a little patch of savannah with no one around. I sat down and reflected on the one thing I did have.

I’ll help you.

I tried to focus my mind. Nothing. I sighed. It was hopeless. I thought back to my failure last night, how nothing had worked. I had even given up and gone back to the den.

The den.

The back of the den. A battle outside, roaring, yowling, sobbing, fear. In the middle of cubs. Then cheetahs rushing in, breaking loose throughout the den what was commonly known as hell, and after a short scuffle, taking me and running out. With someone else. Fujo. I could see him being carried by a cheetah, and then seeing a lion leap on the cheetah. Fujo was thrown, and I heard his name ripped from my throat. Then teeth drilling into my stomach.

I was in the savannah again, lying on the ground. I hurriedly checked my stomach for the wounds. Nothing. It was only a flashback. Just a flashback. Then why was it so real? I had smelt everything, heard everything, felt everything. Especially that fear. After a few minutes I got a grip on myself again. I never wanted to do that again. It hurt so much, even more than when Mpande had nearly killed me. I didn’t know how it was possible.

They want you back. My mind wandered back to Tumai and Fujo.

No, they want Taraju back. I sighed. I didn’t want to do it. But I might owe them. I never left my debts unpaid. I screwed up my mind again and tried to focus.

Nothing.

“Are you alright?” I whirled around to see Kovu walking towards me.

“Sire?”

“You seemed to be in a lot of pain.”

“Oh. You saw.”

He came and sat down beside me. There was a very prolonged silence. Finally he spoke again.

“What did you see?”

“Cheetahs, and Fujo, and . . .” I didn’t know how to explain it all. I turned to look at him.

“I know.” I saw a tear slide down his face.

“Who was the lion?”

“Your grandfather. He took me in, and he helped me raise you as well as I could. His name was Simba.”

“Simba, you know you shouldn’t have the cubs up this late.”

“Aw, but Grandma, we’re not tired,” protested Fujo, stifling a yawn. It was night at Pride Rock, and Fujo was sitting next to me.

“So what was that?” the lioness asked. Nala.

“We’ve told you that you need your rest.” The other lioness. Kiara. Mother.

“They’re just kids. You were like them. You know how they feel.” I turned around to see a lion sitting behind me. Simba. And next to him, Kovu. Father.

“Yeah, Granddad’s right,” I felt myself say. “Just five more minutes, please?”

“What do you think, Kovu?” asked Kiara.

“I’m not going to get involved,” Kovu said. “On your heads be it when Fujo wakes you up before the sun has even risen.”

The sudden daylight of the savannah contrasted sharply with the night of a second ago. “I miss him deeply. Almost as much as I’ve missed you,” continued Kovu. I breathed heavily. Kovu turned to me, his face concerned. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Don’t do that again. I don’t like it.”

“Do what?”

“You want us to do what now?”

“Just go down there and pounce on your mother. She’ll enjoy it. Trust me.” Kovu motioned me and Fujo toward the sunbathing area. “Go on, do it.”

Fujo started running down to the area towards Kiara, who was lying on her back. I moved against any will of my own, following him. I caught up to him, and as one we jumped onto Kiara’s stomach, causing her to emit a loud “OOF!” I heard laughter and turned to see Kovu laughing on the hill overlooking the area.

“Kovu!” yelled Kiara. He laughed all the harder.

The rock changed into grass, Kiara underneath me into Kovu sitting in front of me. He was looking at me, genuinely concerned. “What’s wrong?”

I pounced on him, pushing him to his back. “Stop it. Now.”

“Stop what?” Then again, with his face outlined with blue sky instead of grass, “Stop what?”

“Fujo won’t stop poking me!”

“And I should stop him why?”

“Dad!” I batted away Fujo’s paw. I heard giggling and turned to see Tumai. “What’s so funny?”

“You,” she said.

Fujo leapt on me and pinned me to the ground. “Gotcha.”

I batted at his face. “Now Fujo, play nicely with your brother,” I heard Kiara say.

“Yes, mom.”

Then Kovu was underneath me again. “Stop it!” I yelled. I shook my head to clear it, only adding more confusion. “Stop the memories!”

Realization spread across Kovu’s face, only to be replaced by a second later with a smile. “Why?”

“Why are there so many stars, dad?” I asked.

“Well, it’s kind of difficult to explain,” said Kovu. I heard his voice from behind me on the edge of Pride Rock. “There are many, many kings. And when they die, they become a star. At least I think that’s right. Simba?”

I turned to look at Kovu and Simba sitting behind me, noticing Fujo sitting next to me as I turned. “Pretty much.”

“Wow.” I turned to look at the stars again. “That’s a lot of kings.”

“How many do you think are up there?” asked Fujo.

“Why don’t you try counting them?” asked Kovu’s voice behind me.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine . . .” Fujo gestured with his paw at every star he counted. “. . . ten, eleven, twelve—”

“You’ve already counted that one,” I interrupted.

“Did not!” he protested.

“Alright you two, that’s five minutes!” I heard Kiara say from far behind me.

“It was not!” I said.

The sudden daylight hurt my eyes. “STOP IT!” I roared down at Kovu. I raised a paw to hit him, but he hit me with his before I had even gotten mine fully back. I never realized how fast he was, how strong he was. He hit me again, knocking me off. I rolled, and looked up when I stopped to see him standing. I didn’t know how he could possibly be better at fighting than me.

“Taraju, you need to remember. It’s the only way.”

“I am AKASARE!”

“You are my son!” he yelled.

“My parents are dead! I killed them myself!” I yelled. Dingane. Poor Sicwele. And now me. I didn’t want to lose me. I couldn’t bear to lose me.

“You are not leaving here! You are only going to go as Taraju, or never. I will not let you walk away from this. They have suffered too long. The least you could do is help them!”

“I don’t care about your pride.”

“They’re your family!”

“And a very nice little family thing they’ve got going here, Pumbaa, very nice indeed. Now if you could all just move one inch to the left . . .” I looked up from the carcass Fujo and Tumai were helping me eat to see a warthog standing next to a meercat who holding his hands out in front of him in the shape of a box.

“What’re you doing?” asked Fujo.

“No, say it as if you mean it! You have to live the part, not just act it. Only then will you truly achieve fame, and become . . .” He spread his hands out majestically and paused. “Well, what will he become, Pumbaa?”

“Famous?” asked the warthog.

“No, it’s that other word. It’s . . . it’s . . .” The meercat snapped his fingers, trying to remember. “That’s right. He’ll be—”

I shook my head, dislodging the memory. “I don’t care.”

“What about Tumai?” he asked furiously. “She’s loved you—”

Sitting quietly on a hill beside Tumai. We were watching the sunset. It was beautiful. At least Fujo wasn’t there. That would have ruined it. Just silence, watching that wonderful sunset. I felt her tail occasionally thump against my body, as mine did against hers.

“It’s beautiful,” she said quietly.

“Yeah,” I whispered. And we watched it. Just sat and watched it. It was wonderful. And that ever-growing feeling of innocence, spreading until it overwhelmed me.

“—this whole time and you haven’t even noticed!” Kovu’s voice cut through, but the memory still played out. Just sitting there, happy. “What kind of heartless monster are you?” I kept watching, seeing the sun finally go down, and the stars slowly appearing as the sun finished its journey. And that feeling of being clean, and happy. Slowly it all faded away.

That wonderful innocence. I wanted it back. Mpande saw it in me, why couldn’t I? I sat down, staring at the ground. Tumai really loved me. I felt a tear roll down my face. I never thought I’d feel that feeling again. I told myself I wouldn’t. I’d sworn I wouldn’t.

But there it was.

“Just open up, and you’ll know.” I looked up to see Kovu sitting in front of me.

I let go. I let my feelings come through me, seeing the memories rush after them, one after another, some too quickly to make out clearly, others seeming to stretch by forever. And the feelings, the whole symphony of feelings that played through me as it happened. I cried. And I laughed. But mostly, it was just the wonderful reality of what I had been running from finally being here. And then it didn’t stop. It kept going, all the way down the gorge, and waking up, and Dingane, and Sicwele, Mpande, Asari, Shujaa, the killings, the building, and then here. Now. I wept. All the pain I had caused, all of the deaths. It was horrible. I was a monster. Taraju couldn’t have possibly done this. How could they ever really have him back?

I looked up at Kovu. He was smiling. “It’s in there.”

“I know Dad. I know.” I wrapped my foreleg around him, and after a moment of hesitation, I felt him do the same to me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t stop the tears. They just came. I didn’t deserve to live.

“About what?”

I released him. I stared at the ground, at his paws. I couldn’t bear to look at his face. I just started telling him everything. About waking up, about hobbling to the pond, about Dingane and Sicwele, about their plans, about how horribly each of them had gone wrong, how I had transformed the Outlands. I didn’t tell him about what I had done to Dingane’s pride, or Asari. I couldn’t handle it. It was strange. Me not being able to handle it. But looking back, I was never living. Now when I remembered I was just standing on the outside looking in at a body committing those horrible acts. But I could have stopped it. And then what really hurt: What would Tumai think?

Dad stared at me when I finished. I don’t know how long it took. Hours, I know that. He sat quietly, probably trying to drink in everything I had done. I couldn’t imagine what it was like for him. To have your son come home, only to find he’s done worse things than you could possibly imagine. And I hadn’t even told him everything. I finally spoke. “Dad, it’s about Tumai. I don’t want to do it again.”

“Sorry?”

“I didn’t tell you everything. I . . . I loved someone. Asari. I really loved her.” I stopped, just remembering what I had done to her.

“What happened?” prompted Kovu. I looked up at his face.

“She died,” I said simply. “Dingane said she had to die. He sent Sicwele, and I followed him out there. I couldn’t just let her die. She meant too much. Sicwele met her that night. He wasn’t going to kill her. If he had to, he was going to try to only wound her, so we could get away together. But that night, she . . . she did something horrible.” I couldn’t bring myself to live it again.

“She slept with Sicwele.”

“Yes. And I killed her for it. I watched her slowly starve to death. She was hurt the next morning, and she was found by hyenas. They starved her for three days, and I just sat there, watching in cold hatred. I could have stopped it, but I didn’t. She finally gave in and let the hyenas kill her. I don’t want something like that to happen to Tumai.”

Dad sat and thought. Finally, he spoke. “Son, this happened after Mpande died?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry, but have you considered . . . She thought you were dead. You can’t have expected her to hang onto you. She may have really loved you back.”

“Oh gods . . .” Just one more horrible shock to face.

“Tumai does love you. She always has. I’ve was hoping to watch you two grow up, and learn what love was just as your mother and I did, but you left. . . . But you’re back now. Try to make the most of it.”

“Yes, sire.”

He smiled sadly. “You don’t say sire to anyone here. They say sire to you.” He paused, staring at me. “Come back when you’re ready.” He turned and left for Pride Rock.

I sat there, more alone than I had ever been, but left with more than I had ever dreamed of.

I spent the rest of the day thinking over the memories. The initial shock was over, but I still was numb from it. They had completely changed the way I looked at things. In just one day years of my life had been uprooted.

It was difficult.

Near sunset I made my way back to Pride Rock. Going all day with no food I should have been hungry. I guess I didn’t notice it. I saw Dad sitting on the edge of Pride Rock again, smiling for once. He only seemed to do it when he really meant it. I wondered what life had been like for him before I had come back. I walked up the steps and found him at the top waiting for me.

“Your mother’s inside waiting for you.”

I sighed. “Did you te—”

“No.”

“Do you think she—”

“Yes.”

“Are you—”

“Positive.”

“How do you even know what I’m going to say?”

“I’m your father.” I smiled a little. “And as such I order you to get in there and tell her that you’re back. Go on.”

I walked into the den and looked over the few lionesses resting inside. I saw one in a corner being consoled by two others. It was Mom. I slowly walked over to her, noticing as I got closer that she was crying. The two others heard me and turned. Mother didn’t though. She just kept crying.

“Mom,” I said hesitantly. She gave a small gasp and looked up, her eyes red from constant crying. I felt for her. I couldn’t even imagine what she had been going through for the time I was gone. “I’m back.”

She let out a sob and embraced me with one foreleg, sobbing into my shoulder. I patted her back. “I’ve missed you . . . Oh, how I’ve missed you.” She pulled back and looked at my face. “My little Taraju.” She hugged me again. I saw the lionesses who were consoling her smiling. It was Grandmother and Aunt ’Tani.

“Don’t worry,” I said. I rubbed my paw across Mother’s back. “I’m back now.” After a few minutes she let go. Her face was wet, but she was done with crying. I felt happy for once. Actually happy. Not some adrenaline-induced high, but truly happy. I smiled at her.

“My little cub. Now you’re all grown up.”

“I couldn’t help that.” She gave a small chuckle. I looked back out the front of the den then back to her.

“Well, go on,” she said. “We’ll have plenty of time to catch up later. Go one, see your father and brother.”

“Thanks, Mom.” So this was what parents were like. It felt good. I turned and walked out of the den. Dad was waiting for me right outside. He smiled when he saw me.

“I don’t see any blood. So it went well?”

“Yeah. Where’s Tumai?”

“She’s down at the sunbathing area. You remember where it is?”

“Ha, ha.” I smiled again.

“You definitely didn’t get that odd smile of yours here.” He gave a small sigh. “Go on now.”

“Thanks.” I walked down around Pride Rock to the tanning rock. Fujo was lying on his back on a rock, playing with a piece of the bone I had broken this morning. Tumai was on her side. She looked up when she saw me. Fujo took no notice and just kept on talking.

“ . . . I’m telling you, he is completely crazy, wacko, mad, bonzo, cuckoo, insane, bonkers, nuts. I mean, the guy is a total whack-job. It’s like he doesn’t even have all the pulleys to work the elevator, never mind it going to the top floor. It’s like he ate something and it—” Yup. That’s Fujo.

“Sorry I’m late,” I interrupted. Fujo flipped over faster than anything I’ve seen, looking at me fearfully. Either that or in surprise. I tried to give him a look that said relax. Apparently it didn’t work, so I tried to joke. “I forgot what time dinner was.” It didn’t come naturally to me at all.

“Funny.”

Tumai started to say something, didn’t quite get it out. Then: “Did you—” She stopped.

I stared at her. To think I would have killed her last night, this beautiful lioness. “Yeah.” Yes, I have, I remember you, I love you . . . and you’ll hate me.

“Okay,” said Fujo’s voice cutting through my thoughts, “what happened the time we—”

“And I need to think on it,” I continued. “Or at least sleep on it. A lot.”

Fujo stretched out on his rock. “I knew it.” He laughed. “Still nothin’ in your noggin.”

“Don’t doubt me. I’ll make sure you’ll never do it again, even if you wanted to.” The response came naturally, completely without thought. I turned to go back into the den. I desperately needed rest. Half of me wanted to stay with Tumai, but the better half didn’t want to tell her at all. Especially with Mr. Insensitive there. I heard Fujo’s voice follow me back up the ledge that outlined Pride Rock.

“See? What’d I say? Still moody, sullen, angry Mr. Lovable.” I ignored him and continued up to the den, lying down in the same spot as the night before. As I went in I saw Mom sitting next to Dad on the ledge. Something told me it would be a late night for them. As for me, I was turning in early. I curled up and drifted off, hoping that my dreams wouldn’t be as disturbing as my new reality.

I watched myself as I tore through the pride, decimating everyone in my path, be they foolish enough to stand in my way or cowardly enough to run. I saw myself finish off the last of them and saw Dingane running away. I watched as my body leapt through the air and pounced on Dingane. Dingane rolled over, revealing Kovu’s face. I yelled at my body to stop it, that it was a mistake, to not make this mistake again. I watched as I slowly crushed the life out of my father.

I woke up breathing heavily. I turned to the back of the den to see Dad sleeping there peacefully alongside Mom. My breathing still hadn’t slowed down. I tried to calm myself. It was only a dream . . . it’s over. I’m not going to do it again. I shook my head sadly, trying to get the last bits of the dream out of it. It seemed that as soon as I got rid of one kind, another replaced it. I took a deep breath and noticed Tumai lying next to me again. I nuzzled her slightly, and heard her purr in response. I sighed. She could never know. I could never tell her. I heard a faint moan and turned to see Fujo sleeping, jerking slightly as he slept. Now him I could talk to. Maybe I could even have him help me tell Tumai. He wouldn’t care.

I got up and walked over to Fujo. His mouth opened slightly and his tongue ran across one side of his mouth. I poked him in the back. “Fujo,” I whispered. “Fujo.” Still nothing I prodded him again. “Fujo!” I hissed. I prodded him harder. “Fujo, wake up. I need to talk to you.” I saw him open one eye and stare at me before turning over.

“It can wait until tomorrow,” he said grumpily.

“Fujo!” He didn’t answer. I slowly counted to ten. This was my brother, I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t need to do anything stupid to him . . . He was still lying there. So I motivated him. I covered his nose and mouth with one paw and dug my other paw’s claws into his shoulder. The result: His body leaps into the air with his head stuck on the ground, trying to yelp through my paw. It was almost comical. I took my paws off him.

“Okay, okay, I’m up. You didn’t have to do that.” I turned and went outside, waiting at the slope for him to follow me. He finally arrived, yawning. “Now what is so important that we had to get up in the middle of the night?”

“I need to tell you something. Show you something, too.” Well, now there was no going back.

“I don’t know what they did wherever you’ve been, but around here we don’t show off manly scars over here.” I was beginning to enjoy his humor as much as climbing through bramble. I walked down the slope, hearing him follow me. After a while he spoke up again. “So, where are we going?”

“The Outlands.”

“Oh, so we feel like talking now?” Nothing stupid, nothing stupid, nothing stupid. “Well that’s great. You know, they say it really hel—”

“How’s your shoulder?” I asked, irritated. I turned to look at the fear on his face. I really wanted to stop seeing that on lions’ faces when they saw me. He’d just have to be an exception tonight.

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would. So if you don’t want me to make sure you have a pair, you’ll shut up.” I turned around and kept walking. After a couple of seconds I heard him follow me again. I tried to think of how to tell him. I could always just have him walk right up to the bodies and go from there. Or I could ease into it now. But how do you ease into something like this? Hey, those stars are looking great tonight. I think I know a guy up there. Did I ever tell you how I knocked him off his throne and slaughtered his entire pride? What kind of talk is that? I decided I would just have to come out and tell him. We were getting close to the basin anyway. “Fujo,” I finally spoke up, “there’s not really any way to ease into this, so I’ll come right out and say it. I’m a killer.” It seemed to take everything just to say that.

“Yeah, I think I figured—”

“Shoulder.” I heard him shut up immediately. “I really mean it. You have no idea what I’ve done.” I walked up to the edge of the basin, sat down, staring at it. “You wouldn’t believe what I did for this.”

“Try me.”

I turned to see him sitting next to me. “I have murdered an entire pride,” I said. I watched him as he appeared to think through what I said. He finally shook his head.

“Yeah, I must have misheard you. What was that again?” I was trying to be honest with him and all he could do was joke.

“I’m not joking, Fujo.” I got up and walked down into the basin. I heard him follow me, protesting.

“Look, that’s impossible. You are one lion. There is no way that you could possibly have killed an entire pride. That’s crazy.” I could see where he was coming from. I doubt anyone else could have done what I did. Then I remembered how Dad had knocked me off him so easily. Maybe he could have done it. But definitely not anyone else. He might understand, but I couldn’t expect Fujo to. I would just have to show him. I got to the edge of the clearing where I had started this whole project of mine.

“If I can’t prove it to you, maybe this will.” I stopped and turned around to look at Fujo. “Go on.” I jerked my head towards it to tell him to go through. He walked past me.

“Oh, gods,” I heard him breathe. I followed him through to the edge of the clearing and stopped, sadly looking over what a horrible mistake I had made. Bodies everywhere. One even had its spine broken through what flesh it had left on its back. I remembered sickeningly how I had actually been proud of that. I turned to see Fujo staring in disbelief. He looked up at me. “What could they possibly have done to deserve this?”

“I needed a new balance,” I said emotionlessly. I had to get rid of the emotions. I couldn’t even think about what I had done clearly here. “They ate too much, drank too much. I had to get rid of them. I imagined a better Outlands, these Outlands. I knew that I had to make sacrifices. They were one of them.” I walked down to Fujo, looking over all of the bodies. “I simply walked right up to them and slaughtered them. They weren’t expecting it, they had taken me in. I killed each and every one of them, one at a time. The last one . . . he was the leader. He had found me, took me from the edge of starvation to this pride. I made sure he suffered before I finally snapped his neck.” What have I done? I swallowed, put my gaze to the ground, and continued.

“I was too wounded to actually hunt for dinner that day. I took advantage of what I had. I ate them. Just went right up to a body and devoured it. I’m sure you’ve noticed the stripped ones. That’s what happened to them. It was the best meat I had ever tasted. So sweet. After the third day they began to spoil. I could hunt by then, so I just left them here.” I hated the way I described it. I looked back up at Fujo to see the revulsion on his face.

“You ate lions?”

“It was either that or starving.” I should have been forced to starve.

“You killed all of them and then you ate them? What kind of sick—thing—are you?” He paused and looked away from me at the ground. “You aren’t Taraju. He’s dead.”

“I wasn’t Taraju,” I said, trying to make him see. “I didn’t remember. I do now.” I swallowed hard, thinking over the memory of Mpande’s death that had suddenly entered my mind. “You have no idea what those memories are doing to me. They’re tearing me apart. I have done horrible, horrible things. I don’t deserve to live.”

“Damn right you don’t! What do you think you are, a god?! How the hell did you possibly think that—”

“Shoulder,” I reminded him.

“Like I give a damn what you’ll do to me anymore!” he exploded. “I was happy when you came back! Happy! We all were! We thought you were dead, we actually missed you! What are you going to do to me if I don’t shut up? Kill me? What is one more corpse around the place? Just add it to the twenty that are already here!”

“Twenty-five actually.” The emotions started to seep in.

“What kind of sick bastard keeps track?!”

“Do you think I don’t regret this?!” I yelled, the seeping turning into a flood. I watched Fujo cower in front of me. “I would give anything to be anything other than what I am! I am despicable! I can hardly keep from puking when I think of all the things I’ve done!” I paused, taking a deep breath. I forced my voice out levelly. “I had no morals whatsoever. The memories are finally giving them to me. I am sickened. I shouldn’t be allowed to live for what I’ve done. I have ethics now, and they’re tearing me apart. All because I wanted to make a difference.”

“I’m sure what you’re feeling now helps them a lot.” What’s left of them. I remembered the lionesses I had let live, how cruel it must have seemed to them. And Mvushi . . . how he would know nothing but hate for me. I felt a tear start to drip down my face. I turned away so Fujo wouldn’t see. I should have hid it. I had no reason to hide it. I took a deep breath, and started again.

“Just listen to one more thing, then we’ll go back to Pride Rock and you can tell them however much you want.”

“Talk. Fast.”

“I didn’t kill all of them. I massacred the ones here when the rest were on hunting detail. I knew they were out, and I that’s why I chose that time. They found the bodies when they came back. I had hidden so I wouldn’t be found. They swore to find out who did it. They raised a cub to kill me. Mvushi they call him. Savior. They’re coming to kill me. I don’t know how they found out I did it, but they’re coming. They’re somewhere in this jungle, just waiting to see me. Then he’ll try to kill me. I just thought you might want to know.” I turned to look at him, unable to read his face. I thought he might actually try to kill me right here. He stood up and left, leaving me by myself in the massacre I had made years ago. He would go back and tell Tumai. Tell her everything. In the worst way possible. I knew it. I wept, thinking of how she would hate me for who I was. I would never have another chance with someone like her. I wept, feeling the sobs heave my body.

It finally stopped. I slowly picked myself up and started back. I ran back. I didn’t know why. I just needed to run. It made me feel better. As much better as anything could. As I arrived I watched the lionesses rising and leaving for the morning’s hunting. I wiped my eyes dry, looking away from them. I walked past them to the mouth of the den. I saw Tumai standing over Fujo. He was lying on the ground.

“O-kay,” I heard her say. I saw her look around the den. “Where’s Taraju?”

“Here,” I said. She turned around, and smiled. I heard Fujo growl and I shifted my glance to him.

“What—”

“Just get breakfast for yourself. I’ll tell you later,” said Fujo. I watched her leave, then turned to Fujo. He stared intently at me. I stared back for a few moments, then walked over to the other side of the den and lied down, turned away from Fujo. I thought how any minute now she would come in and Fujo would tell her everything. I didn’t want to be here when that happened. I didn’t want to see her face. I heard the rest of the lionesses in the cave leaving slowly. I didn’t know what I’d do when she found out.

So I waited. And kept going over the worst parts of my life. If you want to be happy I strongly advise against this. I didn’t want to be happy. I never thought I would be happy with all I had done in my life. Mpande’s death, Asari’s murder, having Sicwele take that rock in the back for me, killing every lioness and Dingane, only leaving the ones I needed to keep a balance, forcing them to live a sort of tortured half-life. I didn’t deserve to live. I heard Tumai’s paws on the den floor.

“So what happened?” she asked. I waited for Fujo to tell all. Nothing came. “Did you remember, Taraju?”

“Yes,” I said.

“That’s great! I mean, you remember everything? That’s wonderful!” She paused again. “What’s wrong?”

I couldn’t tell her. “Tumai, I don’t want to hurt you. I know that now. I can’t tell you. I just can’t.”

“Oh, so you can hurt me but not her, is that it?” said Fujo’s angry voice.

“I had to tell someone,” I pleaded, still not looking at him. “I had to get it off me.”

I heard Fujo roll over. “Why me?” He demanded. I didn’t know how to answer. Because I thought he wouldn’t care? Because I thought he’d help me tell Tumai?

“What are you talking about, Fujo?” asked Tumai.

“He won’t tell you; I might as well.” No, please . . . “That—lion—if he even deserves to be called that—is a murderer.” I heard Tumai gasp. “That’s right, a murderer with cannibalistic tastes. ‘It was the best I’d ever had.’ Filth!”

“Is it true, Taraju?” I heard Tumai ask. The sadness in her voice was overwhelming.

“Of course it’s true!” I heard him get to his feet and slowly walk towards me, shouting. “Do you actually expect him to tell you? Hell, he doesn’t even care about it! He is nothing more than a killer! If you had been out there, you’d be dead, too! All for his little utopia.”

“Shut up.” I said. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want her to hear it.

“Oh, does it bother you that—”

“I told you to shut up!” I turned over and knocked Fujo to the ground, placing my paw against his neck. I wanted to kill him for what he had said to Tumai.

“What are you going to do? Kill me? Just chalk one more up on your list?” Fujo spat at me. “Just so you know, in case you bother to alphabetize, I go under F.”

“Taraju . . .” Tumai was speaking, concern openly in her voice. “Taraju, you’re going to hurt him . . .”

I stared at Fujo, watching the defiance in his face. I didn’t want to kill him. I didn’t need to kill anyone. I let out a sigh and slowly got off Fujo. I hung my head. “I can’t stand it.”

“Just tell me,” said Tumai’s softly. “Don’t worry about me, just tell me.” I looked up at her, into her eyes. I had to do it. It would hurt her more if it came from anyone else.

“Fujo is right. Everything he’s said is true. But it’s not like that anymore. I have feelings now. I know what I did was wrong. I massacred an entire pride, and just because I knew how they’d feel I left a few alive to feel the pain of loss. I ate lions, and I killed the people who took me in.” I slowly watched the revulsion grow on her face. I knew she would never accept me. Better to die than live like this. I acted on impulse. “I’m going to turn myself over to them. I don’t deserve to live. They should at least be the ones who kill me.”

“What? You can’t.” It was Fujo.

“I thought you were the one who was just ranting for my death.”

“It’s not like I actually meant it. Yes, I’m disgusted with what you’ve done and yes, I think you are the scum of the earth, but that was then. I just wanted to get my feelings for what you did off my chest. It’s not like I actually want you gone, I never said that. You’re here now. I mean, this is here, and that was then. You shouldn’t have here mixed up with—”

“He’s trying to say,” interrupted Tumai, “that you’ve gone and done that. I know you’re truly sorry. We know you regret it, but you’ve come clean. Shouldn’t that count for something?”

“No. Not for what I’ve done.” I’d done too much. I didn’t deserve to live. I got up and walked out of the den.

“Where are you going?” I heard Tumai ask.

“To pay for what I’ve done.” I ran down the steps and raced toward the Outlands. I didn’t want to weaken and change my mind. I could never have Tumai, and I could never go back without being a pariah. I didn’t want that. This was the only way I could see. Even though I was running my hardest, Fujo and Tumai caught up to me. Either I was slowing down, or I was too tired and hungry to actually be running. Or both. Either way, they caught me.

“Taraju, please reconsider,” I heard Tumai’s voice begging me. I turned to see her right behind me, and catching up. . “You don’t have to go back to that. You can stay with us, we’ll protect you.”

“What, so more innocents can die for me? When they find I’m here, they’ll kill me. And anyone in their way.” I was sure of this. They would at least go up to Kovu and demand that they be given their retribution. And when they didn’t get it, they would try to take it. And I wouldn’t even try to stop them.

“Look, we know you can take them, so please, just don’t do this,” pleaded Fujo. “It was bad enough losing you once; we can’t go through this again. What will Mom and Dad think?”

“Dad will understand.” But he wouldn’t like it. He would possibly go back to the way he had been, that cold, aloof shell that I saw when I first came, before he knew who I was. But I had to do this. Besides, he was stronger than that.

“Mom has been crying her eyes out every damn day almost. She finally stopped when you came back. She was happy. Do you really want to take that away from her?” I thought guiltily back to the lioness I had found weeping in the den. I didn’t know how she would take it. She was so happy when I came back. No, when Taraju came back.

“She was happy with Taraju. I’m not Taraju,” I responded, trying to cloud out their words. I had to do this. I thought back to everything I had done. I was sure it was better this way.

“Damn it, you are! Who do you think is even telling you to do this? Not the killer, that’s for sure!” I ran past the boundaries of the Outlands.

“A few years of memories aren’t enough to change someone,” I said.

“Look what they’ve done to you!” said Tumai. “You’ve gone from a killer back to a cub! We want that cub back!” Mpande’s little cub. He was still in there. But it was him who told me to do this.

“Don’t give me any more reasons to not go through with this.” I stopped at the edge of the basin and turned to face them. “I want you to go back and tell them what I’ve done, and what I’m doing. Whatever you do, don’t go down there after me. I will kill you.” I wouldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t kill anyone else. But it helped me to have them think I would. I walked down into the basin, and as soon as I was far enough away for them not to see me, I broke into a run for the remnant of Mpande’s pride. I finally reached it and yelled out, “Mvushi!”

Every lion in the place suddenly looked at me. They all roared. Mvushi leapt out in front. “Why are you here?” he demanded.

“I want to pay for what I did to all of you.”

Mvushi looked at me in disgust, accenting the four scars I had given him years ago. His mane had filled out, making it red like Dingane’s. He was probably Dingane’s son as it was. “Why?” he hissed.

“I’ve realized my mistake. Just do what you were meant to.”

He slowly began to come towards me, a look of intense longing on his face. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to do this.”

Suddenly Fujo was between the two of us. “Taraju, think this through!” he demanded. I hit him as hard as I could, knocking him to the ground. I saw Tumai standing at there, staring at me in disbelief and horror of what was going to happen. I turned back to Mvushi. “Do it now.”

So here I am. There’s my story. So that all of you know. There’s Fujo lying on the ground with Tumai behind him, identical looks of horror on their faces. There’s Mvushi running towards me, about to kill me. I won’t fight back. I’ll just hope he goes for the neck. There’s no quicker way to die than to have your head arched back. One of the first lessons Dingane taught me.

I know how I’ll be remembered. As a killer. As a slaughterer. As someone with no heart, with no conscience. I just hope that they don’t remember me for just that. I made horrible mistakes, and I’ll be the first to say that. But I didn’t want to. It’s just how I was raised. I know it sounds like I’m trying to duck it, but if you look where I am right now, just seconds from death, you’ll realize that I know what I’ve done. And how I despise myself.

As for Tumai, she’ll have Fujo. Poor, insensitive, funny Fujo. Everything that I’m not. I’ll miss her more than anything. If only this could have turned out differently. We could have been together. Just me and her. Sweet thing.

For everyone I’ve killed, I’m sorry. Sicwele is probably dead because of me, and Scai’a was left to mourn over his body. Mpande’s gone, and poor little blind Shujaa, and especially Asari. I know now that she did love me. But I didn’t know. I really am sorry, I didn’t know. But I’ll be able to say it to them personally. Just a few seconds and it’ll all be over. As for the Outlands, I hope I leave them a better world than I did before. And if I don’t, I hope I at least leave this world a better lion. Remember my atrocities, but just also remember that I tried to pay for them.

Arch your head back.

Chapter VI: Slaughter

Fujo looked at the giant carcass, ribbons of slobber dripping down his face. It was at least five times his size. Oh, I have died and gone to heaven, he thought. He ran towards the feast, thinking of how juicy, how tempting, how tasty it all looked. The carcass seemed to be moving slowly away from him, too, but still not fast enough. He jumped for it, opened his mouth to take out the biggest chunk possible—

—and woke up in the den. He felt himself being prodded.

“Fujo, wake up,” came Taraju’s whisper. “I need to talk to you.”

“It can wait until morning,” Fujo said grumpily, turning over from lying on his back to his stomach. All he wanted to do was get back to that wonderful, wonderful place.

“Fujo!” Taraju hissed. Fujo didn’t bother answering. Taraju slowly counted to ten, reminding himself that this was his brother, that he didn’t need to do anything stupid to him. He looked back down at Fujo. Still not moving. Taraju snapped. He put one of his paws down over Fujo’s snout, making sure Fujo couldn’t move it. Then he dug his other paw’s claws into Fujo’s shoulder. Fujo tried to bolt upright, yelping. Instead, his body, save for his head, only moved about half a foot in the air, his yelp silenced by his pinned mouth. Taraju took his paw of Fujo’s mouth.

“Okay, okay, I’m up. You didn’t have to do that.” Fujo watched Taraju leave the den. He rubbed his sore shoulder and followed him. He saw Taraju waiting for him by the slope leading down off Pride Rock. “Now what is so important that we had to get up in the middle of the night?”

“I need to tell you something. Show you something, too.”

“I don’t know what they did wherever you’ve been, but we don’t show off manly scars over here.” Taraju ignored him and walked down the slope. Fujo followed him. “So, where are we going?”

“The Outlands.”

“Oh, so we feel like talking now? Well, that’s great. You know, they say it really does hel—”

“How’s your shoulder?” Taraju growled. He looked back at Fujo, clearly annoyed.

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would. So if you don’t want me to make sure you have a pair, you’ll shut up.” He turned back around and kept walking. They walked for some time in silence. Finally Taraju spoke again. “Fujo, there’s not really any way to ease into this, so I’ll come right out and say it. I’m a killer.”

“Yeah, I think I figured—”

“Shoulder.” Fujo immediately shut up. “I really mean it. You have no idea what I’ve done.” They had finally reached the Outlands. Taraju went up to the edge of the basin and sat down. Fujo did the same. “You wouldn’t believe what I did for this.”

“Try me.”

Taraju turned to look at Fujo. “I have murdered an entire pride.”

Fujo appeared to think through the words again. “Yeah, I must have misheard you. What was that again?”

“I’m not joking Fujo.” Taraju got up and walked down into the basin.

“Look, that’s impossible. You are one lion. There is no way that you could possibly have killed an entire pride. That’s crazy.” Taraju kept walking. Fujo thought it over. Well, he certainly looks capable of it. He looked over Taraju’s muscular body and his sharp claws that he had extended. But, no, there is just no way that—

“If I can’t prove it to you, maybe this will.” Taraju’s voice cut through Fujo’s thoughts. He stopped at the edge of a clearing, stared back at Fujo. “Go on.”

Fujo walked past Taraju into the clearing. “Oh, gods . . .”

Skeletons lay everywhere, some more decomposed than others. Every single one was a lion. Some had been stripped clean by the gods knew what. Fujo could see clearly that some of them had had necks broken, throats ripped out, bones snapped. On the ones that still had some skin he could see cruel gashes outlining their body. Fujo looked back up at Taraju.

“What could they possibly have done to deserve this?”

“I needed a new balance. They ate too much, drank too much. I had to get rid of them. I imagined a better Outlands, these Outlands. I knew that I had to make sacrifices. They were one of them.” He walked down to Fujo, sat down, looking at the each of the skeletons in turn. “I simply walked right up to them and slaughtered them. They weren’t expecting it, they had taken me in. I killed each and every one of them, one at a time. The last one . . . he was the leader. He had found me, took me from the edge of starvation to this pride. I made sure he suffered before I finally snapped his neck.

“I was too wounded to actually hunt for dinner that day. I took advantage of what I had. I ate them. Just went right up to a body and devoured it. I’m sure you’ve noticed the stripped ones. That’s what happened to them. It was the best meat I had ever tasted. So sweet. After the third day they began to spoil. I could hunt by then, so I just left them here.” He looked back up at Fujo. Fujo was staring at him, revulsion showing plainly on his face.

“You ate lions?”

“It was either that or starving.”

“You killed all of them and then you ate them? What kind of sick—thing—are you?” He paused, looking away from Taraju’s face. “You aren’t Taraju. He’s dead.”

“I wasn’t Taraju. I didn’t remember. I do now.” Taraju swallowed hard. “You have no idea what those memories are doing to me. They’re tearing me apart. I have done horrible, horrible things. I don’t deserve to live.”

“Damn right you don’t! What do you think you are, a god?! How the hell did you possibly think that—”

“Shoulder.”

“Like I give a damn what you’ll do to me anymore! I was happy when you came back! Happy! We all were! We thought you were dead, we actually missed you! What are you going to do to me if I don’t shut up? Kill me? What is one more corpse around the place? Just add it to the twenty that are already here!”

“Twenty-five actually.”

“What kind of sick bastard keeps track?!”

“Do you think I don’t regret this?!” Taraju was finally yelling. Fujo cowered. “I would give anything to be anything other than what I am! I am despicable! I can hardly keep from puking when I think of all the things I’ve done!” He paused, taking a breath. When he started talking again, his voice was quiet. “I had no morals whatsoever. The memories are finally giving them to me. I am sickened. I shouldn’t be allowed to live for what I’ve done. I have ethics now, and they’re tearing me apart. All because I wanted to make a difference.”

“I’m sure what you’re feeling now helps them a lot.” Taraju turned away from Fujo, but not before Fujo could see something glisten on his face. He heard Taraju take a deep breath.

“Just listen to one more thing, then we’ll go back to Pride Rock and you can tell them however much you want.”

“Talk. Fast.”

Fujo said nothing. His face was unreadable as he got up and left Taraju. He walked out of the jungle, started back home. He ran home, and arrived when dawn had just broken. He looked at the sleeping lionesses in the den, at his parents sleeping in the back. They didn’t even know who they had let into their home. Fujo didn’t know what to do. He just went back to his spot and lied down, begging for sleep to overtake him.

About fifteen minutes later the den began to wake up. The lionesses trickled out, leaving to catch breakfast for the day. Fujo lied there, watching them leave. He saw Tumai walk over to him.

“You’re usually the first one up. What’s wrong? You feel okay?”

“No.” Tumai was a little taken aback. She expected him to say “yes”, she didn’t actually have an answer to “no”.

“Oh, well, um . . . You want to talk about it?”

“Get breakfast first. You’ll want it now, not after.”

“O-kay.” She looked around the den. “Where’s Taraju?”

“Here.” They both looked to the mouth of the den and saw Taraju standing there. Fujo felt a growl escape him. Tumai looked down at him.

“What—”

“Just get breakfast for yourself. I’ll tell you later.” Tumai left, looking back over her shoulder once before disappearing. Taraju stared into Fujo’s blue eyes. Fujo stared just as intently back. Taraju finally looked away and walked over to the other side of the den. He lied down, his back to Fujo. Fujo turned over, looking away from his brother. The rest of the lions slowly exited the den, completely emptying it save for the two siblings. About a half hour after the last lion left Tumai walked in.

“So what happened?” Neither of the two spoke. “Did you remember, Taraju?”

“Yes.” His voice was flat and dead. A smile spread across Tumai’s face.

“That’s great!” Neither of the two moved. “I mean, you remember everything? That’s wonderful!” She paused, waiting for one of them to say something. Her smile slowly lessened. “What’s wrong?”

“Tumai,” said Taraju, “I don’t want to hurt you. I know that now. I can’t tell you. I just can’t.”

“Oh, so you can hurt me but not her, is that it?” Fujo’s voice came angrily from his still form.

“I had to tell someone. I had to get it off me.”

Fujo turned over angrily, looking at Taraju. “Why me?” Taraju remained silent.

“What are you talking about Fujo?” asked Tumai.

“He won’t tell you; I might as well. That—lion—if he even deserves to be called that—is a murderer.” Tumai looked over at Taraju, shocked. “That’s right, a murderer with cannibalistic tastes. ‘It was the best I’d ever had.’ Filth!”

“Is it true, Taraju?” The sadness showed openly in her voice.

“Of course it’s true!” Fujo was on his feet now, shouting at Taraju. “Do you actually expect him to tell you? Hell, he doesn’t even care about it! He is nothing more than a killer! If you had been out there, you’d be dead, too! All for his little utopia.”

“Shut up.” Taraju finally spoke.

“Oh, does it bother you that—”

“I told you to shut up!” He turned over and had Fujo on the ground by the neck before Fujo barely had time to gasp.

“What are you going to do? Kill me? Just chalk one more up on your list? Just so you know, in case you bother to alphabetize, I go under FU.”

“Taraju . . .” It was Tumai. “Taraju, you’re going to hurt him . . .”

Fujo watched as Taraju’s face slowly changed from rage to . . . something. Taraju sighed and got off of Fujo. “I can’t stand it.”

“Just tell me. Don’t worry about me, just tell me.”

“I’m going to turn myself over to them. I don’t deserve to live. They should at least be the ones who kill me.”

“What? You can’t.” It was Fujo.

“I thought you were the one who was just ranting for my death.”

“No. Not for what I’ve done.” He walked out of the den.

“Where are you going?” Tumai called.

“To pay for what I’ve done.” Fujo and Tumai looked at each other, then rushed out of the den after him. He was running towards the Outlands. It was all they could do to catch up to him.

“Taraju, please reconsider,” begged Tumai. “You don’t have to go back to that. You can stay with us, we’ll protect you.”

“What, so more innocents can die for me? When they find I’m here, they’ll kill me. And anyone in their way.”

“Look, we know you can take them, so please, just don’t do this,” pleaded Fujo. “It was bad enough losing you once, we can’t go through this again. What will Mom and Dad think?”

“Dad will understand.”

“Mom has been crying her eyes out every damn day almost. She finally stopped when you came back. She was happy. Do you really want to take that away from her?”

“She was happy with Taraju. I’m not Taraju.”

“Damn it, you are! Who do you think is even telling you to do this? Not the killer, that’s for sure!” They had reached the boundaries of the Outlands.

“A few years of memories aren’t enough to change someone.”

“Look what they’ve done to you!” said Tumai. “You’ve gone from a killer back to a cub! We want that cub back!”

“Don’t give me any more reasons to not go through with this.” They reached the basin. “I want you to go back and tell them what I’ve done, and what I’m doing. Whatever you do, don’t go down there after me. I will kill you.” Taraju walked down into the basin. Fujo and Tumai stood there, stunned, watching him go.

“Do you think he really would?” asked Tumai.

“I don’t care anymore.” Fujo walked down after him Tumai at his heels. They rushed in, only to not see Taraju anywhere. “Damn it, where did he go?” They heard a chorus of roars. They ran towards it. They came upon a huge termite mound. Lions stood on various parts of it. One male lion was advancing towards Taraju.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited to do this.”

Fujo ran up to Taraju, planting himself between Taraju and the young lion. “Taraju, think this through!”

Taraju whacked Fujo as hard as he could, sending him flying. Fujo hit the ground and heard Taraju say, “Just do it now.” He looked up to see Taraju sitting down, Mvushi advancing towards him. Taraju arched his head back. Mvushi leapt on Taraju. Fujo saw him sink his teeth into Taraju’s neck and tear out his throat.

“Taraju!” Tumai screamed. Fujo saw Taraju’s limp body slowly keel over. It hit the ground with a dull thud. It didn’t move. Mvushi spit out his chunk of Taraju’s neck.

“It’s done.” He turned and walked into one of the mounds. The rest of the lionesses followed him. Tumai and Fujo walked over to Taraju’s body. Tears streamed down Tumai’s face. Taraju laid there, his body looking as if he was only sleeping. Only the blood seeping from his neck told a difference.

“I can’t believe he’s gone.”

“Brother . . .”

They sat there all day, just looking at Taraju. Finally Fujo got up from where he was sitting. He walked until he was right next to Taraju, and lied down next to him his back to Taraju. He made sure to drape one of Taraju’s forelegs over him. He bit into the foreleg and rolled over, then stood up. Taraju was clumsily over his back. Tumai walked around Fujo’s back and pulled one of Taraju’s hind legs over, so that he was evenly draped across Fujo’s body. They both began to walk slowly back to the Pridelands.

When they neared Pride Rock several lionesses rushed out to greet them. They immediately stopped when they saw Taraju. Fujo and Tumai walked up the slope to Pride Rock. They saw Kiara and Kovu standing there. Kovu stared at them. Kiara turned away. Fujo walked over to the mouth of the den and gently dropped Taraju. Kovu could finally see Taraju’s neck.

“Gods . . . what happened?” asked Kovu.

“Taraju came back."