To understand this completely, you only need to have read Morals. Legalities: Simba, Mufasa, Kiara, and Kovu are all copyrighted to Disney. Dingane, Sicwele, Asari, and Mpande are all Roger ByrumÕs characters, and are used with his permission. RohÕkash and Aiheu are John Burkitt and David MorrisÕs characters, and are used with their permission. Fujo, Taraju, Akasare, Tumai, Taabu, Jadi, Uchu, Azl, Fela, Rahimu, and Mano are all my characters; none of them are to be used without my explicit permission, save for Mano, Rahimu, and Fela, whose names, not personalities, may be used by anyone. To use the characters themselves, permission must be asked. Now that thatÕs over, if you have any questions or comments, email them to conor0191@aol.com.

            As a last warning, some content is rather graphic (not sex, merely blood and guts). So if youÕre too squeamish, donÕt read this.

Purgatory

 

            The way you experience death is completely based on how you die. It can be pleasant, like dying of old age. You simply feel like youÕre waking up from a long, restful sleep, with your body feeling ten years younger and as fit as can be because of the simple truth that it actually is. My experience wasnÕt quite that nice. When I arrived in Heaven, I felt like my throat had been torn out. There is a very good reason for this. It had been.

            I arrived in Heaven, collapsing and grabbing for my throat. The malaiki in charge of new arrivals for that shift didnÕt bat an eye. This was undoubtedly normal for him. Or her. Let me explain about malaiki. TheyÕre . . . odd. They look like rejects from the godsÕ first attempts at animals. There is a great story behind this. They actually are, in one sense, rejects, though they are by no means the first animals created.

            The gods couldnÕt agree on the one animal to be placed on the earth. The greater gods, the felines (i.e., when push comes to shove, the ones who get their way), all wanted the animal to resemble themselves. A malaiki has the head of a leopard, the torso of a cheetah, the mane and forelegs of a lion, and the hind legs and tail of a tiger (I had no idea what a tiger was until I got to Heaven. IÕd never seen that much orange before). Each of the four animals have a paw to themselves, ending in something that looks . . . well, like I said, odd.

            The malaiki, however, are perfect, but perfection doesnÕt prevent a smart mouth. The first smartass comment it is known to have made came when it was being created. The original was so tired of his body being changed over and over that he finally yelled out, ÒWell why donÕt you just give me wings while youÕre at it, too?Ó The gods turned to him, yelled, ÒFine!Ó back, and gave him a wonderful pair of muscular air-beaters.

            I finally noticed I had my throat back and stopped thrashing and slowly got to my feet, seeing if my throat actually was there with a paw. I looked up to see the malaiki sitting there patiently. It did absolutely nothing threatening, but I was absolutely frightened of it. They can be a very scary sight. They are perfect.

            I thought my body was nicely toned, but I felt insignificant. The malaiki look like theyÕre sculpted, and might as well be statues. They can sit perfectly still for years on end (or at least thatÕs what they say, I never stuck around one long enough to see). They are magnificent creatures, their muscles rippling with the slightest move, their claws able to cut through literally anything if extended. They are taller than any living creature, and their size is magnified by the fact that they keep their wings almost fully extended, just slightly curled at the end, each wing seven feet in length. No exaggeration.

            This was the animal that commanded me, in a voice that had no mercy in it at all, only compassion, ÒCome here.Ó

            I had never actually shaken with fear before. ItÕs strange, because you know youÕre doing it, but you donÕt feel it. Your visionÕs a little jumpy, but other than that, itÕs just how you walk. The eyes of that malaiki never blinked as I walked toward it. I had no reason to fear it. But the malaiki have one strange quality: those that are condemned always fear them. Always. You know how I was classed.

            But I donÕt want you getting any ideas about the malaiki. They are perfect. They donÕt have character flaws (although I might beg to differ with a few), and they are incapable of doing wrong. They love you, and their love leaves no room for mercy. That is the precise thing that made my time with Azl such a hell. The malaiki may not have flaws, but they can create a perfect replica of any flaw, such as pride or arrogance, even hate, the kind of hate that isnÕt pure. IÕm telling you this so you wonÕt judge Azl harshly, that he did only what he was ordered.

             I walked before this malaiki and sat down, staring at its paws, ashamed to look at its perfect face. ÒName?Ó it asked gently. I hesitated. I didnÕt know what to say. Then I drew strength from the clarity of realizing who I truly was, not who I was called.

            ÒMy name is Taraju.Ó

            The malaiki had a large rectangular object appear before it. The object was hundreds of thin white rectangles, held together by a clear, sparkling larger rectangle that covered three sides of the stack of white rectangles. The malaiki opened the object, going through the white rectangles. The white rectangles had squiggles on their front and back, some squiggles in front, the rest in black.

            ÒTÕs,Ó the malaiki muttered. It ran its digit down a column of squiggles. ÒTara•, Tarain, Taraja. Here we are,Ó it said in a louder voice. ÒTara . . .Ó It stopped as it saw the name wasnÕt in gold or black, but red. ÒHmm. See . . .Ó I stared at the red in horror for a moment before it was whisked away, the malaiki putting more white rectangles on top of it as it turned to its left in the object. It stopped as it muttered, ÒAlana . . . Akab, Akasan.Ó It spoke the name I wanted to hear least of all. ÒHere we are. Akasare.Ó It laughed. There was a single, solitary line of red on this page, too, the squiggles in three groups; a big one, a smaller one, then a big one.

            I couldnÕt help myself. ÒWhat? What are you going to do to me?Ó I still hadnÕt looked up at the malaikiÕs face.

            ÒWell, itÕs right there. Go ahead.Ó It spun the floating object around one hundred eighty degrees so that I could see it. It meant nothing to me.

            ÒI—I donÕt see anything.Ó

            ÒOh, thatÕs right. Newcomers canÕt read.Ó It pointed at the red with a digit. ÒThis is their little idea of fun. It says ÔAkasare: see TarajuÕ. And over here,Ó it said, extending a claw and sliding it under several thousand rectangles, then lifting it up with the pages. The first line of red was visible again—Òit says ÔTaraju: see AkasareÕ.Ó I stared at the line, trying to see that. It still meant nothing. ÒIt makes sure I ask my superiors.Ó

            ÒBut—bit what does it mean?Ó

            ÒIt means you have a very special opportunity.Ó

            ÒWhat?Ó I asked, looking up from the red line to the malaikiÕs face. I almost immediately looked away, looking only long enough for the malaiki to start the next sentence. I looked into the eyes, the eyes that seemed to stare right through me, see all about me.

            ÒI canÕt tell you.Ó It put a paw to my face after I jerked it down, slowly bringing it up. I felt powerless to resist. ÒSuch a pretty face . . . and such nice eyes . . .Ó The malaiki traced a digit gently across my face, across the two scars that came close enough to count as one, the scars that met on the bridge of my nose. The malaiki dropped its paw. I slowly shifted my gaze down to its chest. ÒYou did a very noble thing.Ó

            ÒSir?Ó I said.

            The chest moved in a small laugh. ÒIÕm female,Ó she said. I looked down, then looked back up at her face again to see a smile an instant before I turned away again. ÒReally.Ó She sighed. ÒThereÕs just no way to tell with us malaiki. Unless you know what to look for.Ó

            ÒWhat are you going to do to me?Ó I was very, very afraid.

            My fear must have showed. ÒNothing.Ó Her voice was gentle, reassuring. IÕve called my superior, heÕll tell me soon.Ó She paused. ÒIÕve always wanted to ask this. Why do you fear me?Ó

            ÒI—I donÕt know.Ó I looked down at its paws. There was silence for some time. I have no idea how long it was.

            ÒWell, you can go now.Ó

            ÒGo? Where?Ó

            ÒThrough there.Ó I followed her waving paw to a rectangle of savannah, jutting out in the stark white of the place I was in. ÒJust walk through. Hopefully youÕll call this home.Ó I walked through with one last glance back to her smiling, perfect face. I didnÕt feel anything walking though to the savannah; no tingling, no rush of air. I just walked to it. I looked around, taking in my first glimpse of Heaven.

            My eyes landed on two lions standing, their red manes full and proud. However, one wore his mane, the otherÕs mane wore him. The second oneÕs body, which in life had seemed so proud, so arrogant, was humiliated, his mane seeming to weigh him down. The other lion I hadnÕt seen for years. They came from separate parts of my life. One I remember with love and compassion. The other I killed. ÒDingane?Ó I said incredulously.

            The humiliated one blinked, obviously not pleased to see me. ÒYes,Ó he said.

            ÒTaraju,Ó the other one said gently. I stared at him, trying to place his face. It suddenly leapt into my head.

            ÒGranddad?Ó Simba nodded. ÒGranddad!Ó I tackled him to the ground happily, laughing.

            ÒOof!Ó Granddad grunted. I got off. ÒYouÕre not the cub you were.Ó He looked up at me with a smile.

            ÒNot at all,Ó said Dingane bitterly. I turned to look at him. He was angry. His voice was too perfectly controlled. ÒLook at what little Aka grew up into. Added a T to the front of his name.Ó

             ÒIÕm sorry for what I did!Ó I said. ÒI paid for it.Ó

            Dingane burst into laughter. It wasnÕt pleasant. By any stretch of the imagination. IT was hysterical laughter, the laughter of an animal gone mad. ÒPaid for it?Ó he said, the insanity slipping into his voice. ÒYouÕve paid nothing! Nothing!:

            ÒDingane,Ó said Simba softly. There was compassion in his voice. He was sorry for Dingane.

            ÒDonÕt you dare tell me to shut up!Ó Dingane snarled. ÒYou have no idea!Ó
            ÒYou—you deserve it.Ó

            ÒDo I? Do I?! No one deserves it! He killed me, and I wouldnÕt wish it on him. He deserves it much more than me! But he gets a free pass! And you think the gods are fair?Ó

            ÒThey are fair. Even if it hurts.Ó

            ÒWell letÕs see how much you keep that attitude with ÕSare.Ó

            ÒHis name is Taraju.Ó

            ÒWhich one did he go by when he killed me? Which name did he go by for his entire life?Ó

            ÒMy name is Taraju,Ó I said coldly.

            Dingane turned to me. ÒNo one asked your filthy opinion.Ó

            ÒDingane!Ó reprimanded Granddad.

            ÒI didnÕt even ask to be here! They dragged me out here to see this! Just to gloat this in front of me! You know it!Ó Then, suddenly, surprising me completely, Dingane dropped his head and began to sob. ÒI want to go back . . . I want to go back . . .Ó

            I stared at him, my mouth hanging open. Something very, very bad must have driven the proud lion I once knew to this pathetic, pitiful thing. I thanked the gods I had paid my debt, that I had repented, and I wouldnÕt have to go through that. I looked up at Simba, who stared at Dingane in pity. ÒSend him back,Ó he said quietly. ItÕs best. Just say to send him back.Ó

            Dingane looked up at me in fear. ÒNo! Please! You have no idea! Please donÕt reject me, ÕSare. Have a heart.Ó He was actually bowing to me, begging me not to send him away, when just seconds ago he had said he didnÕt want to be here.

            ÒGo back,Ó I said miserably. Another rectangle opened. Vines shot out, grabbing Dingane, who was trying to run. They pulled him back into the rectangle.

            ÒDamn you, ÕSare!Ó His eyes were wide, desperate, pleading, even as he was dragged back into his personal hell. ÒDamn you!!Ó

            I watched him disappear into the rectangle and kept staring even after the rectangle had disappeared. That had been horrible. I only saw Dingane one more time, and IÕm not sure I actually saw him. He was just part of a crowd, a horrible, miserable crowd. I turned to Granddad. He was staring at me. ÒWhy?Ó I asked.

            ÒFor what he did in life.Ó

            ÒWhat are they doing to him?Ó

            ÒUnimaginable things. It—varies for every animal, IÕm told. So theyÕll pay for the things that they did.Ó

            I looked back to the spot where Dingane had been. ÒHe wasnÕt that bad of an animal. He couldnÕt have been that bad of an animal.Ó

            ÒYou were worse,Ó said Granddad matter-of-factly.

            I couldnÕt bear to ask the question. I said hesitantly, ÒIÕm glad I paid for it, then.Ó Granddad looked away. It was all the answer I needed. ÒNo . . .Ó

            ÒI tried, Taraju. They allowed me to see you before . . . well, before you go.Ó

            ÒI canÕt believe this!Ó I yelled. I began to walk away, then turned angrily. ÒI paid! I didnÕt even know it was wrong! I was raised to kill!Ó
            ÒI said the same thing. But the gods wouldnÕt hear me. TheyÕve already decided.Ó

            ÒDamn the gods! Damn them, you hear me?Ó I did not want to end up like Dingane. When someone entered Heaven, this was meant to be a happy occasion, with the family welcoming you. My only member got to tell me I had to go to Purgatory. ÒThis isnÕt fair!Ó

            ÒThey shortened your sentence.Ó

            ÒThere should be no sentence!Ó

            ÒPlease stop yelling.Ó I quieted down. It was a habit. If I disturbed Granddad too much, Dad used to punish me. The punishments werenÕt big, but big enough to make an impression. ÒGive me one reason why I shouldnÕt be pissed. Just one.Ó

            ÒLet me explain the system. Everyone who does horrible things is put into Purgatory. However, if they correct it in life, go out of their way to change things, their sentence is destroyed.Ó

            ÒSo I should have lived? I shouldnÕt have just thrown my life away? Is that what youÕre telling me?Ó

            Granddad looked at the ground, ashamed. ÒIt may have made a difference instead of you just sacrificing your life.Ó

            ÒOh, for AiheuÕs sake!Ó I walked away again, turned around again. ÒI gave myself up. Willingly. DoesnÕt that mean anything to their high-and-mighty asses?Ó

            ÒThey shortened your sentence because of it. That and your upbringing. You had no control over that cheetah that took you, you had no control over Dingane or Sicwele. You only have one hundred years because of it.Ó

            ÒOne—one hundred years?Ó Dingane had only been gone three.

            ÒThatÕs life-years. Not death-years. Time flows differently here.Ó

            ÒHow differently?Ó

            ÒSometimes itÕs just like you were alive. But the rest of the time . . . well, the land of the living slows down, compared to here.Ó

            ÒYouÕre joking. Please tell me youÕre joking.Ó

            ÒIÕm sorry. That hundred years . . . it could be a thousand.Ó

            One thousand years. One thousand years of pain, of torture, of insanity, of growing far, far worse than Dingane. ÒThere has to be a way out,Ó I whispered. ÒThere has to be another way.Ó

            Granddad said, ÒThere is. But IÕm begging you not to take it.Ó

            ÒWhat?Ó I begged. ÒTell me.Ó

            ÒYou join Afriti. You give away your soul.Ó

            ÒI was stunned. ÒBut . . . but isnÕt Afriti where IÕm going to?Ó

            ÒNo. YouÕre going to Purgatory. Afriti resides in Hell. ItÕs the only other option. The gods will either put you through Purgatory, or youÕll choose to go to Afriti.Ó He bit his lip. ÒBut donÕt, Taraju. Please donÕt give into that.Ó

            I had heard of Hell from Sicwele. Aiheu hurt Afriti badly, right where it hurt most. In the heart. It was from the First Hurt that all the evil in the world finally came about, all from an accident, a little misunderstanding.

            Afriti and Aiheu were the closest of all the gods, like brothers. More than that. Afriti created strong ties with a group of gods, and Aiheu with the rest. The groups didnÕt dislike each other, but they had their differences. Afriti and Aiheu were the connecting point, the ones who healed any differences. The gods, unlike the malaiki, are not fully perfect. They are now, but Afriti and his group werenÕt. At least, not in that sense.

            Afriti and Aiheu were like night and day, two related but separate parts. Aiheu was good, kind, and loving. Afriti was as well, and so were the gods with Afriti, but only out of growing up that way. They all carried the seed of dissension (at least, thatÕs what Sicwele called it. IÕd call it EVIL, in nice big, capital letters like that). If they had been born (or the equivalent of being born, the record gets kind of sketchy here) on their own, they wouldnÕt have had the good of the other gods to rub off on them.

            Afriti and the others were the Damned. They would never achieve true happiness; they would always want more. However, with the other gods around, all of these terrible things were suppressed. Then Aiheu hurt Afriti.

            The gods competed. I would imagine it gets pretty boring up there, being holy all day, just talking for century after century after century after—you get the idea. And there are only so many animals that you can smite. So the gods competed. The competitions were always close. Afriti and Aiheu competed the least of all, however. Afriti tried to love Aiheu, and did the utmost to overcome those evil emotions. Afriti made an honest effort.

            The two of them competed, Afriti made just as much of an effort as when trying to love, if not more. And Afriti usually won. But then Aiheu insulted Afriti when Afriti was bragging, telling Afriti the equivalent of something like Òdrop deadÓ playfully.

            It was taken it the wrong way. Afriti was away from Aiheu for some time after that, and spent it thinking. From that one comment Afriti began to unravel, and began to see things in past conversations that werenÕt there. Afriti saw that no matter how much effort was given to make Aiheu proud, no matter how much Afriti loved him, Aiheu still thought little of Afriti.

            Afriti told the others the conclusion of those thoughts. They, too began to see that their brothers and sisters despised them. AiheuÕs group couldnÕt begin to understand hate, but it came to Afriti and the others naturally. The thoughts of their loved ones despising them hurt so much.

            They left the gods, Afriti and all of the rejects, and created Hell. They no longer had the influence of the others, and their hatred and evil grew. Sicwele told me this when I was a cub. He assured me I wouldnÕt suffer, just as he wouldnÕt. His logic was that I was being forced into what I was doing; he openly told me that they were brainwashing me, in a way. He thought he had a justifiable reason. But I was going to suffer. Either that or I could join Afriti and the others.

            ÒIÕd never think of that,Ó I told Granddad.

            ÒYou will. IÕm begging you, donÕt go. Just—Ó Granddad suddenly stopped speaking, staring over my shoulder.

            ÒYouÕve told him more than enough, Son.Ó I jumped, turning around to see another lion behind me. I had no idea who he was. He did look somewhat familiar, as if I had seen him before. I had. In me.

            ÒYes, Father,Ó said Granddad. I suddenly realized that his was Mufasa. I had met his mate, but never him.

            ÒYouÕre my—great-grandfather?Ó I asked.

            ÒYes,Ó Mufasa said to me, then to Simba, ÒDid you tell him about the job we have fore him? Or the funeral?Ó

            ÒNot yet.Ó

            Mufasa sighed. ÒThe funeral will start soon.Ó

            ÒGood point.Ó Granddad turned to me. ÒOne right all animals have is to attend their funeral. If you really feel that you have to, you can appear to one other animal. To give them support.Ó It was obvious who I would choose. My love. Tumai. But a horrible thought struck me. It could only make her sorrow worse. To see visions of me, hallucinations, when I was dead and gone. I couldnÕt do that to her. I loved her. ÒTaraju,Ó said GranddadÕs voice, cutting through my thoughts, Òthis is undoubtedly selfish, but we want to ask you to show yourself to Fujo.Ó

            ÒWhy?Ó

            ÒWe—well, we can keep you out of Purgatory a little longer. About a month. With an extra five year on your sentence for each day.Ó

            ÒAnything,Ó I begged.

            ÒWe want you to talk to Fujo,Ó said Mufasa. ÒWe want you to lead him to a place. The episode will take about five days. You will stay out a month, with the wait. If you show yourself to Fujo now, heÕll be used to the idea.Ó

            I as never brilliant at counting. I prayed my stupidity continued. ÒThatÕs—thatÕs one hundred fifty more years?Ó

            ÒYes. Actually, one hundred forty, given it takes only twenty-eight days, really,Ó said Granddad.

            ÒIÕll do it,Ó I said. Anything to put it off just a little longer.

            A rectangle opened a short distance away. I saw the backs of lionesses in it. ÒAlright,Ó said Mufasa. I walked through. I turned around to see Granddad and Mufasa staring at me through the rectangle before it suddenly shrank out of existence. I turned around to look at the den. It was morning. An entire day had passed. I found out later I had spent much more time staring into that malaikiÕs eyes than I thought. IÕd spent almost the entire day in New Arrivals. It was a day since my death.

            I walked around the circle of lionesses until I reached a gap where my parents were. I gasped. There was my body, in the center of the circle, looking as if I was asleep. My neck was a bloody mess, the only indication that I wasnÕt alright. I unconsciously rubbed my own neck, seeing it. I tore my eyes from my body and looked around the pride. They all had their heads bowed solemnly. They didnÕt cry for me.

            Then I saw Fujo, his head bowed, eyes hidden by his mane. Then there was Tumai, right next to him, her sorrow obvious. Tears dripped from her face, a small puddle actually forming at her paws from the tears she had said. A puddle. I continued to look around the circle. There was Aunt ÕTani, crying silently. And then there was Mom and Dad, sitting together, DadÕs foreleg around Mom as she wept into his chest. Dad didnÕt cry. It was obvious he wanted to. But he couldnÕt. He needed to be strong. I shook my head. He was still the detached lion he had been when I died, the one that couldnÕt commit himself out of the fear that his passion for violence that would rise up again, hurting others.

            Then, amazing me, Fujo began to speak, still staring at the ground. ÒTaraju . . . youÕre gone now. You shouldnÕt be. You were better than that. You deserved to live, no matter what you thought. I only knew you fore a few short hours but . . . but you  were a good lion. A kindhearted lion. And I loved you. You told us all what you did, you didnÕt hide it in a back corner.Ó Tears began to drip to the floor, yet his voice remained steady. ÒWe needed you, Taraju. You brought us order. For a few, wonderful hours everything was fine. No worries at all. And—and then you did the noblest thing IÕve ever seen. I just canÕt help but think that if you had just stayed . . . if I had gone instead, that the kingdom would have been a much happier place. We . . . we miss you, Taraju. We just hope that weÕll carry on, like you would have—would have wanted us to . . .Ó Then, quietly, in a whisper, ÒI miss you, brother.Ó

            I was moved. It wasnÕt especially eloquent, but it was—heartfelt. Then Dad said, his voice wavering, ÒItÕs cruel, for him to have been reunited with us, only to be take away so soon.Ó A tear slid down his face, followed by another. He will be remembered, not only as a killer, but as the just lion he came to be.Ó I smiled. Maybe he had changed. Maybe.

            I looked around the den again. I wouldnÕt ever call it home again. I looked at Fujo. He seemed to glance over my face, then suddenly snap back to it. I gave him a warm smile. Then he did something that really hurt. He tried to show me to Tumai. She didnÕt see me at all. I just shook my head. No, Fujo, she canÕt. I took one last look around the den before I smiled at Fujo again, the den dissolving away. I was back in Heaven. I looked over at Granddad and Mufasa. They smiled.

            ÒCome on,Ó said Granddad. ÒThereÕs a few relatives I want you to meet.Ó

 

 

 

            I spent my time in Heaven savoring every moment. I couldnÕt think about Purgatory. I had fun, lots of fun. I spent it all with Granddad and Mufasa, really. Them and malaiki. The malaiki were the best; the were always there when you needed anything. It was actually their job to wait on us, IÕm told. Nevertheless, they still scared me. I couldnÕt stop thinking of those claws, and those teeth . . . gods.

            But then the day finally came. IÕd finished my job. Fujo had met Taabu. When Granddad and I arrived in Heaven, there was a malaiki waiting. Needless to say, fear overwhelmed me. ÒIÕm here to escort the prisoner, sir,Ó the malaiki said.

            Granddad nodded. He turned to me, placed a paw on my shoulder. ÒBe well, Taraju. And please, donÕt give in. DonÕt break. YouÕre better than that.Ó I hung my head. ÒWe love you.Ó

            ÒIf you please, sir,Ó said the malaiki respectfully to Granddad. Granddad stepped back, a rectangle opened, the only thing on the other side being a dark abyss. ÒIn you go,Ó said the malaiki, not rudely, but with none of the respect he had shown Granddad. I walked through. I turned around to see that the rectangle had already disappeared. I didnÕt get a last look at Granddad. I didnÕt see anyone I loved for years.

            I looked around my new home. It was black, and the walls, if there were any, seemed to be a million miles away and appeared to have smoke swirling inside them. The place where I stood was lit, along with a decent portion of the area around me, but by no apparent light source. IÕd noticed the gods tend to like these kinds of places, places where you canÕt accurately judge distance or depth. I tried walking around. It seemed to do no good. Nothing seemed any close, on any farther away.  The light never moved from being around me, no matter how much I moved. I sat down, then lied down. I couldnÕt tell how long I waited. Time was an illusion here. I fell asleep.

            When I woke, a set of four massive, different paws was in front of my nose. I looked up the massively muscular and extremely well-toned forelegs, up past the black mane, up to the leopard head. The malaikiÕs violet eyes stared at me. ÒGood evening,Ó it said. ÒMy name is Azl, and I will be your malaiki for this evening.Ó

            I sat up, looking up and down Azl. My month in Heaven had shown me that malaiki werenÕt the same. They were very nearly exact, though. But the way they talked and held themselves separated them by worlds. Azl was, and still is, the most impressive malaiki I had seen. He was arrogant, to a very, very small degree. It was more like pride. But he had a right to be proud.

            ÒMy—my malaiki for this evening?Ó I asked.

            ÒYes. As well as the next fifty-one thousand, ninety-nine evenings, mornings, and days. I think weÕll get to know each other very well.Ó I didnÕt like his tone, or the smile on his face. But I had nothing to worry about. Malaiki were good creatures. They would never hurt anyone. ÒAre you—male? Or female?Ó

            His smile twitched. ÒMale,Ó he said in a slightly amused voice. A rectangular object, just like the one the first malaiki I had seen had, appeared. ÒAs long as weÕre talking,Ó he said, flipping through the floating object, Òwhy donÕt you sign the record to make sure youÕre present and accounted for?Ó He finally stopped tuning the white rectangles, and stopped with one rectangle that was completely blank, and the rectangle opposite with a large, red spot on it that looked like—but no, it couldnÕt be—

            Azl whipped his claws across my neck, eliciting a scream from me. It had nearly severed my head from my body. As it was, it flopped lifelessly, me feeling the pain. I screamed. I donÕt know how, but I screamed bloody murder. Azl took one of my paws, cut it off with his claws, and placed it in the endless fountain of blood from my neck. He took the bloody paw and placed it in the object, leaving a perfect imprint, with no run-over or any spots missing. It was my exact pawprint. My body was suddenly whole again, me sitting in front of Azl. I stopped screaming, but my mind still staggered with the amount of pain I had gone through.

            ÒThat wasnÕt so bad, was it?Ó he asked, his voice caring, gentle. ÒSee? All better.Ó

            ÒDonÕt do that again,Ó I said, my chest still heaving. ÒDonÕt.Ó

            ÒThat? ThatÕs just a one time process for the records. But you know what? Now I  just feel bad. How about some food? You want some food?Ó

            He controlled his voice and movement perfectly. He seemed to care to no end. But it was much, much less than a malaiki should have cared. I didnÕt notice his flawless act. I suddenly found myself noticing the slight hunger pangs in my stomach. ÒYes,Ó I said uncertainly. I was understandably wary of the animal who had just sliced me open.

            Azl waved his paw. A long line of carcasses appeared; juicy, fat carcasses, each one obviously fresh. I looked up at Azl. His wings beat slightly as he said, ÒWhat? Go ahead. IÕm not stopping you.Ó The hunger pangs suddenly shot through my body, increasing for a split second. I dug into the first carcass eagerly. Azl took a bone from the second carcass, the wonderful meat dripping blood. Some of it dripped from the bone that was held casually between two digits onto his paw, which I realized, looking up for a split second, still had my blood on it. He began to like all of the blood off, mine included. I was nauseated. I looked away, all nausea forgotten as I stared back down at the carcass. I dug in, devouring the meat.

            After I finished the first carcass, I ate the second. Azl sat, staring at me, obviously bored, taking an occasional bite out of his meat. If he finished, the bone simply refilled itself. The same appeared to happen for the carcasses. As soon as I stripped one clean, it was moved, and another completely fresh one put in its place. I ate carcass after carcass after carcass, Azl sitting and watching. Then the last carcass disappeared down my gullet and was shunted off to nothingness. I continued looking down, waiting for another carcass to come to assuage my ravenous hunger. I stared down where the line of carcasses had been when I had been eating.

            They were gone.

            I looked up at Azl. He was finishing off the last bits of his bone. He swallowed and said, ÒMy, you must have been hungry. All that meat in that little body.Ó He tossed the bone casually down. I could see the gristle that he had so carelessly left on it. I pounced on it, the bone disappearing. I looked back up at Azl. He was smiling. ÒThere. DoesnÕt that hunger feel better?Ó

            I stared at his face in disbelief. I realized suddenly what you must have already figured out. Azl, Azl the good, kind, benevolent malaiki, Azl wasnÕt here to guide me safely through Purgatory. He was here to give me hell. I felt as if my stomach was eating itself away. My hunger was indescribably painful. And he sat there, knowing how it grew with each mouthful of meat, with that sadistic smile on his face. His apparent schadenfreude knew no bounds. I couldnÕt believe this. Malaiki were the kindest creatures I knew, and he was doing this to me. Needless to say, with all of these revelations came unspeakable anger. I leapt up at him, ready to kill him before he did anything else.

            He hit me out of the air casually, on my torso. My body felt as if a thousand rocks had suddenly rained down on it as I flew to the side with his causal blow. The pain was overwhelming. I landed with a horrible crack, undoubtedly more bones breaking. I spit out all the blood that had suddenly rushed to my mouth. He walked over to me, looking down at me and shaking his head. ÒFool.Ó

            He pressed a paw down onto my head. I felt every bit as my skull fractured into thousands of pieces under his effortless effort, the pieces of it ramming into my brain. I couldnÕt scream. And then something worse happened. I couldnÕt see. Darkness descended upon my eyes. I heard his laughter as my body squirmed, trying to get out from underneath his paw.

            Then, suddenly, I was fine. I was sitting up, perfectly fine, with him in front of me. The horrible episode played itself out in my head again. I should have been dead. I shouldnÕt have felt that pain. No one should have felt that pain. But I had already died.

            My thoughts were interrupted as my neck was grabbed by AzlÕs paw. He lifted me into the air so my face was level with his. He wasnÕt strangling me; I could breathe freely, despite the enormous amount of pressure on my windpipe. ÒNow what have we learned?Ó he asked. ÒAzl is the boss. Azl makes all the decisions, and we donÕt cross Azl. Do we understand?Ó

            ÒYouÕll just do it anyway,Ó I said. ÒYouÕll torture me anyway, you son of a bitch.Ó

            Azl smiled. ÒWell, youÕve learned something.Ó

            ÒYouÕll never break me,Ó I whispered fiercely.

            Azl laughed, laughed long and cruelly and mercilessly. ÒI wonÕt break you? I wonÕt break you?Ó He laughed again. ÒI have gone through hundreds of animals. And I have broken every single one.Ó He tossed me to the ground. ÒYou are no different.Ó

            ÒI am unique,Ó I said. I would not end up like Dingane. I would not go insane.

            ÒYouÕll be broken all the same.Ó He leaned close to me. ÒAnd not just broken. Shattered into thousands of pieces. You will regret being born.Ó I hated his smile, this truthfulness with which he spoke. ÒThere is no escape. There is no time limit. You have all eternity. All eternity to suffer like the damned lion you are.Ó

            Damned to an eternity of hell . . . I knew he had to be lying. ÒThe gods would never allow it,Ó I said desperately. ÒThey know I paid.Ó

            He sat back and smiled at me without any pity or remorse. ÒYou paid nothing. You gave Mvushi what he deserved. You didnÕt give yourself up. You ran to him and begged him to kill you because you couldnÕt live with yourself. YouÕre a coward, and you know it. You could have chosen to die any other way, but you just couldnÕt face any other death, could you?Ó He began to circle me. ÒYou could have jumped from Pride Rock. You could have drowned yourself. You could have starved yourself. You could have thrown yourself into the Outlands and let yourself die.Ó He shook his head, his smile growing wider. ÒYouÕre a coward. And you have no idea what youÕll go through.Ó

            ÒYou—youÕre good. YouÕre a malaiki. You wonÕt do this.Ó

            His smile grew still wider as he drew back a paw and hit me across my muzzle. I was lifted from the ground, my neck breaking as my head was turned completely around. I had never seen it, but I had heard of animals that had their necks snapped and lived. You could feel nothing. I felt everything. You have no idea. Half my bones felt like they were broken from the impact of hitting the ground, and my neck—oh, gods, my neck. I tried to scream and felt vertebrae puncture my throat. I saw his face come into my line of vision, grinning evilly.

            ÒI will do this.Ó He grabbed me by my neck again, my body still breathing, despite the snapped neck, despite the torn throat.  ÒAnd there is no escape.Ó My eyes streamed with tears. ÒYou will die so many, many horrible deaths. And all for my pleasure. But thatÕs just the beginning. He dropped me again. ÒIÕll leave you to think your situation over.Ó He left through a rectangle, leaving me on the floor writhing in agony. I prayed for my body to go back to normal. It didnÕt until he returned.

            And when he returned, the torture continued. He would leave occasionally, letting me lie on the ground of that dark place, screaming in pain. I honestly donÕt recall one minute of his torture where I wasnÕt in physical pain; not in this part. The worse torture came later. He worked up the pressure. He explained his reasoning to me, saying that you can only feel so much physical pain. ÒBut mental anguish has no bounds.Ó He would make me regret my life as well as my death.

            But he didnÕt do that in the beginning. He subjected me to every physical pain and torture you can imagine. He made me die, deaths no animal should have to go through, let alone live through again and again. It was here that I learned why they had the expression of Òsalting the wound.Ó I had never seen salt. Not before he conjured up a pile of it.

            Then I forgot all about the pile of salt as my body caught fire, horrible, burning fire, with him sitting there, occasionally twitching his tail in amusement. It didnÕt burn enough to burn the nerves, it simply burned enough to make me feel the horrible, horrible pain. My fur wasnÕt just singed, it was burned off my body completely. My flesh was massacred in the holocaust, the flames burning the blood vessels shut, stopping the flow of blood.

            He watched as I rolled on the floor, screaming, trying to put out the flames. They finally disappeared. I continued to writhe on the floor, screaming. There is a sad fact: you get used to pain. After at least hours, probably days, the burnt flesh became somewhat bearable, so long as I stated on the floor and didnÕt move. But that wasnÕt good enough for Azl; it wasnÕt good enough to have watched me burn. Most malaiki would have been content with letting me burn. Some malaiki would have done what Azl did, burn me, but stop the flames before they burned too deep so I could feel it. Few malaiki would have done what he did next.

            Azl, having sat completely still while I rolled on the floor, writhing in pain, Azl, who had been as silent and still as a statue, Azl stretched out a paw to the pile or salt. He took as much as he could in one paw and spread the grains over my body. I screamed and began rolling again, trying to get it off. Azl took another pawful and rubbed it into my stomach vigorously. I donÕt know how long the torture lasted, with him putting the salt on my body, feeling it work its way into the body like a poison (and they say itÕs good for you). He finally stopped on and let me continue to scream on the floor, me pushing it further and further in with my every movement.

            It finally stopped. I sat on the floor as if nothing had happened, as if I had always been sitting. I had possibly one secondÕs sweet relief before he plunged me into another nightmare, one second for the endless amount of time I had spent burning and rolling and screaming. That one second made it so much worse. One second between those nightmares, emphasizing what was relief compared to what was pain. I went from one torture to another.

            Drowning in a cave full of water, having it slowly fill up as I tried desperately to stay above the water, only to have it finally go over my head, myself drowning as Azl floated next to me, perfectly fine.

            Being dragged, screaming, clawing at the ground furiously for a hold as I was dragged, tail first, into a pool of acid, with Azl sitting there, watching as my body slowly burned away as it touched the surface.

            Falling, screaming, grabbing at the air for a wall or vine that wasnÕt there, watching as my death rushed forward to me, multiple times, each time with the same result: impalement, but not death, as Azl sat between the sharp rocks and grinned.

            Being slowly stretched apart, feeling my forelegs pop out of their sockets while my hind legs broke under the impetus of an invisible force which tore further and further at my body, tearing my legs and head from my torso.

            Having Azl slowly and painfully rip my flesh from my body, watching him swallow it, by blood dripping down his muzzle as he declared that it was so good, that it was the best heÕd ever tasted.

            Being tossed into a scorching desert, with no food, no water, only with searing heat and Azl as my constant companions as my body dried up, the moisture sapped from even my blood as I slowly withered under the merciless sun.

            Azl sat there, smiling the entire time, smiling a vicious, bloodthirsty smile that could have just as easily been on my face at one time in my life. I donÕt remember all the ways I Òdied.Ó IÕve remembered enough to still have nightmares nearly every night. I ÒdiedÓ over and over in horrible ways. I suffered after the death, feeling what no one should feel. Death is a wonderful release from pain. I never felt death. Only more and more pain, intolerable pain.

            I didnÕt go mad from the pain. That came later.

            Occasionally Azl left, as I mentioned, leaving me there, suffering. And when he came back, heÕd still continue, either with the same torture, right where he left off, or start a new one. And each time he switched, he gave me that horrible second of relief. Then, one time, it went beyond a second. I sat in front of him, my head hanging, my chest heaving, waiting for him to begin again. I still held onto the hoe that someone would stop this. Granddad, or Mufasa, someone would free me from what had undoubtedly been millennia of torture. I hadnÕt broken.

            But I sat there waiting. His face was blank. The seconds ticked by. I finally shouted, ÒDo it already! Do it!Ó He smiled. ÒDamn you, do it!Ó

            He laughed that long, merciless laugh of his. ÒNo.Ó

            ÒGods damn you!Ó

            ÒThe gods made me.Ó

            ÒDamn you, start again! DonÕt leave me waiting like this!Ó

            His smile grew wider. ÒDonÕt you enjoy it? The relief?Ó

            ÒThe suspense!Ó

            He laughed. ÒYes. You just donÕt know when IÕll decide to strangle you, or crush you, or tear you apart bit by bit.Ó As he listed off each item it was done to me. Then I sat in front of him again, fine. He lashed out at me with a set of claws. I recoiled from the blow that never fell. He laughed. I opened my eyes to see him sitting there, all four paws on the ground. ÒLook what youÕve turned into.Ó

            It was true. There was a time when I would have stood my ground, when I would have attempted to block the blow, no matter how useless it would have been. But Azl had reduced me to this, a monster that Dingane and Sicwele had told me again and again the never wanted to seem me turn into, a horrible monster: a coward.

            ÒDamn it, stop laughing! DonÕt you have any sympathy? DonÕt you even have a heart?!Ó

            Azl put a paw to his tear duct and pressed hard against it. ÒWait, wait!Ó He drew his paw away, looked at it, and held it out to me. ÒThere you go. A tear. And itÕs a real one!Ó

            ÒYou stupid son of a bitch!Ó I leapt at him.

            He caught me by the neck with a paw. He sighed. ÒWe just havenÕt learned, have we?Ó He pinned me to the ground by my neck and placed his other paw on my neck as well. I struggled, trying to get out of his unbreakable grasp. He began to beat his wings. We soared into the air, our heads to the sky, my feet struggling madly for ground. ÒWe donÕt mess with Azl.Ó My body was pressed against his by the air rushing by. I wrapped my legs around him and sank my claws into his body. He dropped one paw from my neck and brought the other up to his faceÕs level, along with my head. My claws retracted, feeling as if they were going to break off as he moved my body up. They hadnÕt even scratched him.

            I sank my claws into his back again from my new vantage point. His eyes lit up as his face seemed to be possessed by an even more maniacal grin than before. He bit into my neck. I screamed with pain. He burrowed hungrily into the place where my neck met my torso. He finally took his head away, my blood over his muzzle, his violet eyes screaming for more. I felt my injury heal over as he suddenly arched his head backward. Our bodies followed. We spun over and over vertically in the air in the air in a circle, gaining speed. I heard his frantic, excited breathing as we went faster and faster. He finally tossed me to the ground as hard as he could.

            We were very high up. Even with the force of his throw, my fall to the ground must have taken at least half a minute. I screamed every inch of the way. Every bone in my body broke when I hit. Of course, I lived to feel the shards pierce my organs, plunge into my brain, and jut out through my skin. Then all of my injuries were miraculously healed once again, but instead of sitting again, I was lying down. Then Azl landed, making the ground shake, and let out a tremendous roar.

            Nothing he did has ever scared me as much as he did, right there. Malaiki are able to become irrational beasts, just like us when we feel too much emotion. We go out of control. So do they. But it is infinitely scarier. Every single claw comes out, all of their teeth are bared, their wings are fully spread, and it is quite obvious to anyone that they will use every part of their six-foot-high-at-the-shoulder bodies to destroy you utterly. This was the thing that advanced on me, its tongue licking its muzzle clean of my blood, the taste only egging it on for more.

            ÒAzl,Ó I begged, scooting back, ÒAzl, please!Ó I was so very, very scared. My pleas were useless. It continued to advance. Azl wasnÕt there to appeal to. This thing simply wanted me. I believe IÕve made it clear that it scared the complete hell out of me.

            I curled up into a little ball, absolutely overwrought with fear. I looked up to see AzlÕs slavering jaws over my body. He threw his head back. I screamed. He brought it partway down, then suddenly stopped. He blinked, seeming to regain control of himself. I suppose he did. The entire thing came that close.

            He looked down at me and sighed. ÒWhat a shame.Ó He got off of me. ÒYou wouldnÕt believe what you were about to go through. We must try that again some time.Ó I still hadnÕt moved. He shook me gently. Gently. If this was a trick, this was a cruel one indeed. ÒSnap out of it.Ó I slowly got to my feet.

            ÒIÕm . . . free?Ó I dared to ask.

            He laughed. ÒNot by any stretch of the imagination. But this is a chance to be free.Ó A rectangle opened, myself barely being able to tell the difference between the darkness of the rectangle and the darkness of my prison. I walked through it slowly. Azl followed me.

            He told me later what he was going to have done to me, and how ashamed he was to have lost control. I donÕt know which scares me more, having him over me, his claws and wings extended and teeth and teeth bared, or what he would have done. You see, my claws had triggered a reflex that was very, very specific to malaiki, right there in the back where I had placed mine. The reflex is always, always followed by the act. Azl wasnÕt going to kill me. No, no. Azl was going to o something far more disturbing.

            Azl was going to try to mate with me.

 

 

 

            I walked through the rectangle to find myself in one wall of a large gorge. The walls of the gorge sloped down, almost like a valley, but still being too steep to be called one. The walls curved to meet off in the distance, creating a sort of semicircle out of the gorge. I was pretty high up. The ledge I was on gave me plenty of room, though, even after Azl had come and sat down next to me. The place itself didnÕt shock me. It was the lighting that it had. It seemed like all of the color had been sucked out of that forsaken place. Even I was paler, my black mane appearing to go even darker, my tan legs seeming to be infused with a shade of gray.

            I looked up at Azl. His color hadnÕt faded in the least. For some odd reason, I felt proud of him. His face didnÕt have the manic grin I had seen pasted on it so many times. His expression was solemn, maybe even sad. ÒWhy did you bring me here?Ó I asked him.

            ÒI was ordered to. Once every decade youÕll come here.Ó

            ÒWhat is this place?Ó

            ÒThe beginning of the Black Line.Ó

            ÒThe Black Line?Ó

            ÒYes. Where Afriti collects HellÕs souls.Ó I looked around me. I wasnÕt alone. On thousands of other ledges animals sat or stood, each with a malaiki by their side. Even as I looked, more animals appeared. They filled the gorge, they filled the ledges below me and went on to the ledges above. They all had varying states of the same haunted expression, the expression making it obvious who had stayed here longest. As the expression became more and more severe, the number of animals wearing it became fewer and fewer. Very, very few had been here in Purgatory too long, having left long ago for a horrible fate. I knew that I wore that same face, and I knew they were in my position, where they begged for release of pain.

            ÒWhy did you bring me?Ó I asked again.

            ÒI was ordered. You have a choice. You can leave. Or you can stay. The First will be here soon. YouÕll have to hear it from him.Ó

            ÒThe First?Ó

            ÒJust wait for him to come.Ó

            I sat down. From what I understood, it could take some time. There was a very, very slight hum of conversation as the other prisoners conversed with their malaiki in deadly serious tones. Every ledge was filled, as far as I could see. There had to be at least some that were empty, though.

            My head turned with all the others as a lion came walking through the mouth of the gorge. I stared at him, stunned. Somehow I could make out his every detail, even from my high perch. I knew the others must have, too. But what shocked me most was that that lion could have been—me. I saw him lift his tan face up, the face that was surrounded by thick, black mane. I stared into the emerald-green eyes, amazed at the similarity. Then he began to speak, and I didnÕt pay attention to how he looked . Only the words.

            ÒAnimals! Listen to me. I have come to give you your freedom. You know that you deserve it. You do not deserve to stay here and go through this agony. You are better than that. You are more than that. I know what you are going through. I, too, have suffered at the paws of these monsters, these demons called malaiki. You have been told, undoubtedly, that they are good creatures, kind creatures, and are only capable of love. My fellow sufferers, this is not love. All of you know what love is, even if it is the smallest amount. All of you know what love is, even if it is the smallest amount. You know that love does not torture and maim and kill. Love is pure and good. These creatures—what they give is not love. It is all the things that love brings. Jealousy, and misery, and pain, and suffering. These creatures do not love you. They have never loved you. For love is a myth.

            ÒThere is no love in the world! There is no love. The gods hoard it to themselves. And yet, they have allowed other animals to discover it, to revel in it. I know you all have been hurt, all of you hurt dearly by one you though loved you. If you do not think so, look deeper. It is there. How even the most loving of animals had deceived you, how they have manipulated you and controlled you for what they want. And you have seen it! How they have slipped and let down their mirage of love. If they loved you, where are they now? Now, when you suffer endlessly, all for the amusement of the malaiki. They hoard it like the selfish beast they are. You may beg, you may grovel, but you will never know love.

            ÒI offer you more than love. I offer you a place with Afriti. I offer you a reservation in Hell. And I offer you hate. Black hate, malicious hate, hate which you all know. You feel it right now. Look to your side and tell me you do not! Look at these heartless monsters the gods keep as pets! You were thrown to them with no say, all because you have yourself a chance at what you desired. At what you deserved! I know how you hate them. How you wish it was you who could tear their insides out, you who could watch them die, you who would laugh as you destroyed their will, you who left them as a shadow of an animal, YOU, not them. You deserve that chance.

            ÒBrothers, sisters, Afriti gives you that chance. Afriti offers you hate, hate stronger than any love that could ever be produced, an ever-flowing fountain of hate that will be shared, unlike the gods and their love. Infinitely better than the gods and their love. Love can be tainted, love can be turned black and sour, but hate can not be touched! Afriti saved me from my torture; I begged for relief and was answered. Afriti now answers you, with pure hate and evil. Follow me! Follow me to Afriti, give up your soul, and Afriti will give you all you desire. A chance to be free from this torment, a chance to destroy these creatures when the time comes, when we will make them suffer for the things that they have done to us! Brothers! Sisters! You have nothing left here for you. Come with me. Join Afriti. You will be free

            His words were hypnotizing. His words echoed around the gorger. Then a leopard broke the spell, walking down to the First. He stood before the First. The First spoke to him, and the leopard sat, waiting. Other animals came. I watched as they walked down to the First, taking his offer. The first turned and exited the gorge, followed by the other animals in a long, single-file line. I watched as they left, following him beyond the must just outside the gorge. More walked to join the line. Some passed right by me. Some walked defiantly down to the line, certain in their path. Others went hesitantly, a few stopping and turning back, then almost immediately turning back to the First and his group. No one who left their ledge returned.

            I didnÕt know what to do. Freedom was just below me. I could leave and never, ever come back. I could say goodbye to Azl and my prison. I would never be tortured again. But Granddad . . . Granddad had warned me about this He had asked me not to go. He loved me. But what was love to him? The First spoke the truth. Why wasnÕt he here, suffering with me, or in my place. He had simply argued for me, then given up. He had no idea what hell I went through. But still . . . he had reduced my sentence, hadnÕt he?

            I turned to Azl and asked him, ÒHow long is my sentence? Really?Ó

            ÒTwo hundred forty years.Ó His face was absolutely straight and serious.

            I was taken aback by his honesty. I didnÕt know the malaiki were required to be honest here, and forced to undo whatever damage had been done to their charges so they could reason clearly, think clearly. ÒHow many do I have left?Ó I dared to ask.

            ÒTwo hundred thirty six.Ó

            ÒIÕve been here four years?Ó

            ÒYes.Ó

            ÒJust four?Ó

            ÒOnly four. Four life-years, that is.Ó

            I four years I had gone through all of that torture. And I had so much more to go. It would only get worse, I knew that. But in Hell . . . it suddenly struck me that I had no idea what Hell was like. I turned to Azl again and asked, ÒWhat should I do?Ó

            ÒIÕm sorry?Ó he asked politely.

            ÒShould I go?Ó

            ÒIÕm not supposed to influence you.Ó

            ÒPlease. I want to know.Ó He didnÕt answer. ÒWhat would you do if you were me?Ó

            Azl paused, looking down. ÒAfriti would treat you well,Ó he said. ÒYou would be rewarded. The others not so much, but you—youÕre what Afriti wants. A killer. Someone who cares only for themselves. Someone who wonÕt let themselves be hurt by emotion. Hell might even welcome you into its own, private den.Ó

            Oh, gods, it was tempting. ÒI gave that up. I changed. He wouldnÕt want me.Ó

            ÒAfritiÕd strip away the goodness. Everything that made you you heÕd destroy, any quirks that displeased him. He might leave you whole, if you didnÕt show too much. But he would still corrupt you into his way of thinking. YouÕd turn more heartless than you ever were in life.Ó

            That was all. IÕd just see things in a slightly different—and possibly better—light I walked to the edge of the ledge, staring at the still-growing line. It was an escape. It was my escape. ÒBut what would you do?Ó I suddenly asked. ÒYou never answered my question.Ó

            Azl paused, hesitating to tell me. ÒIÕd stay.Ó

            ÒWhy?Ó

            ÒFor Tumai.Ó

            His words hit me like one of his blows. I had nearly forgotten about her. If I left, I would never see her again, not until Afriti decided it was time to destroy Aiheu. And then I would only try to kill her, to leave her body mangled. I would never do that. The First was wrong. There was such a thing as love. I loved Tumai, and she loved me. I wouldnÕt leave her. Not while she loved me.

            ÒNo,Ó I said. ÒTake me back. I want to go back.Ó

            ÒI canÕt,Ó Azl said simply. ÒWe have to wait for all of them. You have to just sit . . . and watch . . .Ó I honestly saw his eyes tear over. ÒPoor souls.Ó

            I sat. I waited. The line continued to grow. Animals continued to make their decisions and join Afriti. I donÕt know how long the long, slow procession took. It took days, or at least it seemed to. Finally the last of that black parade ended. Then a cheetah, a poor little girl who couldnÕt have been more than two suddenly shot down the side of the gorge. ÒMommy! Daddy!Ó she yelled. ÒWait for me!Ó

            ÒHow did she get in here?Ó asked Azl out loud. ÒShe shouldnÕt be here. SheÕs innocent.Ó

            ÒDaddy!Ó The cub ran toward the end of the gorge. ÒMommy, wait!Ó The gorge closed, blocking off the cub. She clawed at the wall. ÒMommy! Daddy!Ó she shrieked. I suddenly realized what had happened. Somehow she had found her way here, undoubtedly having searched her whole time that she had been here to find a way to see her parents, only to see them walk away from her forever. ÒMommy! Mommy, Daddy, come back!Ó I could see the claws tearing at the rock.

            ÒTime to go,Ó said Azl quietly.

            Horrified, I turned and went to the rectangle. I stopped and turned around to stare at the cub again. Several malaiki were flying to her, the cub never ceasing her efforts to break through the rock. ÒCome on,Ó said Azl softly. I walked miserably through the rectangle, Azl behind me.

            ÒMommy!! Daddy!!Ó

 

 

 

            There is one good quality that I attributed to Azl during my time in Purgatory. Nothing swayed him from his job. As soon as I walked in and turned around he began to work on personally breaking every bone in my body by paw, making sure every one was a compound fracture. None of the kindness or softness he had ever showed me in that gorge entered my prison.

            He decided after a while to up the torture. He stopped killing me and making my body whole again. He began to starve and dehydrate me. ItÕs not a pretty thing to watch someone tear chunks off of their own body just to soothe their hunger and cut open their arteries to drink their blood. But that meat and liquid never reached my stomach; it never left my mouth. I would disappear even as I swallowed. I put myself through that pain for nothing.

            But then I began to forget about the hunger and thirst. ItÕs my opinion that Azl put it at a more manageable level, as it never did go away. He didnÕt want anything to distract me from what he did. He began to insult me. I heard quite a few that IÕd never heard before. But curses werenÕt the only things he said to me. He belittled me in every way possible. He had been tight; mental anguish was far, far, worse. I felt that I was less than nothing. He attacked every belief I had about myself, every bit of pride I had, and destroyed it utterly. He went on for days undoubtedly, me being forced to listen, feeling smaller and smaller. He compared me to himself, his perfect self. I was humiliated utterly. He finally ended by saying contemptuously the thing that had hurt the most: ÒAnd you believe she could love a thing like you. Pathetic.Ó

            But this gave me strength. I proudly spoke what I knew was true: ÒShe loves me.Ó It was enough.

            A flower appeared in midair. Azl plucked off a petal, and then plucked off another for ever sentence. ÒShe loves me not. She likes me. She loves me not. SheÕd rather have me stay here for eternity than lay eyes on me again. She loves me not. SheÕs undoubtedly found another mate and move on, leaving you with less than nothing.Ó He plucked the last petal from the flower. The stalk and empty head burst into flames, burned to ash. ÒShe loves you not.Ó He stated it as a cold, hard fact.

            ÒShe loves me,Ó I said. ÒNothing will change that.Ó

            He smiled. ÒYou mortals and your desires for what you canÕt have.Ó He turned and opened a rectangle. ÒIÕll leave you to your thoughts.Ó

            I wish he hadnÕt left. He left me to think about her love. He knew his job very well. Because I began to doubt. I began to wonder if she did love me. And if she did, why? Why did I love her? There were undoubtedly better lions there for her, even my brother was there. Maybe I didnÕt love her like I thought I did. I thought I had loved before her, too. Was I just groping for something that was out of the ordinary, for a beautiful lioness like her? It wouldnÕt be beyond me to do that. After all, I was the lowest form of life to inhabit the earth. I wasnÕt even fit to be in anyoneÕs sight, let alone a goddess like Tumai. She had undoubtedly pitied me, just pitied me. She felt no love for me. I had been a fool.

            But then a voice would scream, blotting out all other thoughts: SHE LOVES YOU.

            But what if she didnÕt? Back to the whole line of thought again.

            Azl finally came back in, his face blank. I said defiantly, ÒShe loves me.Ó

            ÒWho?Ó

            ÒTumai. She loves me.Ó

            ÒWhoÕs Tumai?Ó

            ÒMy love.Ó

            His face broke into a grin. ÒSo you name emotions, do you? So whatÕs happy?Ó

            He was distorting my words. I shut my mouth. I wouldnÕt fall into his trap. But he made me play along. He began to strip away yet another part of me, the most precious part of me. He had decimated my strength, shattered my willpower, destroyed my ego. Now he tore away at my sanity. He blurred the lines between dreamland and reality. He held up three digits. Of course, it was actually two, or maybe even four. Who knew, it might actually be three. Because three is four is two is seventeen. Or so my logic began to say. Azl slowly peeled away layer after layer of my mind, punishing me when I gave him the wrong answers, pummeling me, making me even more frightened of him than I already was.

            I sat there, one time, staring at his paw, a paw with four digits and a thumb up on the leg. A normal leg. And two digits were extended. ÒHow many?Ó

            I guessed. ÒFour.Ó And I prayed, prayed desperately that I was right.

            ÒWhy?Ó

            ÒWhy?Ó I repeated.

            ÒWhy four?Ó

            I couldnÕt believe him. ÒThere are four, arenÕt there?Ó Two, I reminded myself. Only two.

            ÒDo you believe there are four?Ó

            ÒYes. Yes, four. One, two, three, four.Ó Oh, gods, please, just donÕt let him be angry. Just let me be right. I donÕt want to die again.

            ÒBut there are two.Ó

            ÒYes.Ó Yes, there are two—I mean, four—oh, gods, what does it matter? Just donÕt hurt me.

            ÒBut I thought you said four?Ó

            ÒI . . . I . . .Ó

            ÒHow many are there?Ó

            ÒTwo!Ó I exploded. ÒTwo, four, fifteen, however damn many you like!Ó I shut up. That one outburst would cost me. I knew it would. Tears began to stream down my face in apprehension of the beating. ÒDonÕt hurt me,Ó I whispered, pleading. ÒDonÕt hurt me.Ó

            He lowered his paw. ÒTaraju, donÕt you see how it hurts? You lie, and it hurts so much. And you have no idea how much it hurts me. Much more than you. Do you know why IÕm doing this?Ó

            For your filthy, sadistic pleasure. ÒNo.Ó

            ÒIÕm doing this because I love you. I want to help you. DonÕt you see? YouÕre insane, Taraju. I only want to make it better. I only want to make you right.Ó

            ÒIÕm fine,Ó I protested. ÒMy mind is fine.Ó I couldnÕt tell how he was tearing it apart.

            ÒNo, Taraju. You need help. IÕm giving it to you. Come here.Ó He held out his foreleg. I rushed to him. I actually went to him, my torturer, all because he offered me comfort. I was that desperate. And the hug . . . oh, it was wonderful. To be held, to be drawn close, to have my sorrow eased as he let me sob into his mane, his wings wrapping tightly around the both of us. Malaiki hugs are wonderful, truly wonderful. There is nothing like them. I wept.

            He finally let me go. ÒTaraju, please, be honest with me. I want to help you. Truly.Ó I nodded. He held up his paw. ÒHow many?Ó

            ÒTwo.Ó

            He shook his head. ÒWrong.Ó He whipped his paw mercilessly across my face. I saw seven now. And with that blow it all came rushing back, about what he had done to me. I tried to remember life outside of my prison. I barely could. He continued to beat me. For his pleasure. IÕm fine. IÕm fine oh gods how it hurts. Two digits. Two. Four, he wants four. Two. Four. Just make the pain stop. Please just make the pain stop. I donÕt want to lose myself.

            The torture went on. Without pause, without rest, without mercy. But then I had something hit me. Something I didnÕt expect at all.

            I got a visitor.

            It was Tumai.

 

 

 

            Azl raised back a paw to hit me again for the wrong answer. After all, birds donÕt fly? How could they? They have wings. Why, birds donÕt even have feathers. Hyenas have feathers. They keep them under their lips. I should know that. Azl was about to hit me, then stopped. ÒShame,Ó he said. ÒWeÕll pick up when youÕre done. Through there.Ó He pointed to a rectangle that had opened.

            ÒWhy?Ó I asked.

            ÒYou have a visitor.Ó He gestured impatiently toward the rectangle.

            I walked through, not even taking a look back. I saw the last person I expected to see walk into the room. I had walked into. Tumai stared at me, her eyes wide. My heart leaped for joy. She had come for me. I smiled at her shocked face. ÒI must not look like much, do I?Ó

            ÒNo,Ó she said. I walked toward her, bumping my head on an unseen wall. I looked around, trying to find some indication of it. The room was lighter than my normal one. It hurt my eyes, despite it being rather dark. I almost cried as I put my paw against the wall. I couldnÕt touch her. ÒWhy are you crying?Ó she asked.

            I realized that it wasnÕt almost; I actually was weeping. Tears ran down my face. ÒI canÕt even touch you. After IÕve dreamed about you so long . . .Ó

            She swallowed. ÒI—IÕve thought about you, too. A lot.Ó

            ÒHow did you die?Ó I asked. It couldnÕt have possibly been old age. Or had I been in there that long? Long enough for the ones that I knew to grow old and die?

            ÒHunting accident.Ó She bit her lip before saying, ÒMalaiki.Ó

            A malaiki appeared on her side of the wall. ÒYes, maÕam?Ó

            ÒGet rid of the wall.Ó

            ÒMaÕam?Ó

            ÒDo it.Ó Nothing appeared to happen. ÒNow leave.Ó

            ÒMaÕam—Ó began the malaiki.

            ÒLeave us. IÕll be fine,Ó said Tumai sternly.

            ÒYes, maÕam,Ó said the malaiki, and disappeared.

            I hesitantly approached her. The barrier wasnÕt there anymore. I put a paw to her face. ÒOh, Tumai . . .Ó

            She slapped me. Hard. I staggered under the blow. I looked back up at her. ÒDonÕt you dare touch me again, filth,Ó she spat.

            ÒTumai,Ó I said, shocked.

            She clubbed me again. ÒDonÕt you dare speak my name, rogue.Ó

            I stared at her, horrified. ÒWhy? Why do this?Ó

            ÒBecause I hate you.Ó She hit me again. She smiled in satisfaction. ÒI certainly couldnÕt do that through the wall.Ó

            ÒYou love me,Ó I pleaded.

            She spat in my face. ÒI detest you, rogue. You are less than nothing. And I—I canÕt believe how stupid I was. I canÕt believe I actually offered myself to you!Ó

            The hate in her eyes was terrible. ÒTumai,Ó I protested, ÒI love you.Ó

            Her claws tore through my face. ÒI despise you. You think you can simply come back after eight years and just act like the den is your den? I canÕt believe how you think you can simply say you love me and—oh, gods! And I believe you!Ó

            ÒTumai—Ó

            Her claws raked me one last time. ÒI hope you rot in there. I hope you never escape.Ó She turned and left into a rectangle of golden savannah. I broke down and wept. I had nothing left now. She hated me. Gods knew why, but she hated me. I was reduced to a weeping, wailing mass on the floor. I donÕt know how long I took. I finally picked myself up and threw myself into my prison. Then I saw something that horrified me even more.

            There was Tumai, sitting there, waiting for me. I let out an anguished cry. Then the strangest thing happened. TumaiÕs pelt was shed, like a second skin. AzlÕs massive body emerged from it, smiling. ÒI love playing pretend.Ó

            ÒYou monster!Ó My hatred of him won out over my fear. I leapt at him, tackled him to the ground. I dealt a furious blow across his face. But when I hit him, just before I touched, the face changed. I hit Tumai. I tore through her face. I let out a horrified cry.

            She looked up at me, blood dripping. ÒWhy?Ó she pleaded. ÒTaraju . . .Ó

            The face suddenly changed back to Azl. He laughed. ÒOh, the look on your face! Priceless!Ó

            I hit him again, with the same result. I couldnÕt believe how horrible she looked, with that gash down the side of her face. Then I did what I never thought I would. I hit her again and heard her cry of pain. ÒYou arenÕt real!Ó I shouted. I hit her again and again. ÒYou arenÕt real!Ó

            ÒTaraju,Ó she begged, ÒTaraju, stop! Please Taraju—Ó

            I continued to hit her over and over, horrified at how effortlessly my paws seemed to kill her. I slowly clubbed her to death. Even after she was dead, with a trickle of blood coming out of her mouth, I continued. ÒIt isnÕt REAL!Ó I finally got off her, staring at what I had done, tears flowing down my face. I had murdered her. It isnÕt real. She had died at my paws. It isnÕt real. Tumai was dead. ÒIt isnÕt real,Ó I said to myself hysterically. ÒIt isnÕt real it isnÕt real it isnÕt realitisnÕtitisnÕtitisnÕt—Ó

            A paw waved in front of my face. ÒÕSare.Ó

            I turned to the owner. ÒIT ISNÕT—Ó

            Sicwele clubbed me across the face. ÒShut up or youÕll get us all killed. Now, once again, are you ready to go or not?Ó

            I stared at him in amazement. ÒYouÕre . . . dead.Ó

            ÒWhat is your—Look, insanity isnÕt going to get you out of this. Now come on. We need to get down there.Ó

            ÒDown there?Ó I asked stupidly.

            He took my face and pointed it at a gorge. I recognized it. Suddenly what I was doing came back to me. I was helping Sicwele get his kingdom. And ScaiÕa. ÒDown there,Ó he said. ÒNow shift that black and white backside of yours.Ó

            I slid down the side of the gorge, barely paying attention. I tired to comprehend what was going on. I had done this. I had done this, and seen how badly it had all gone. But—but it didnÕt make any sense. Sicwele was dead, Dingane was dead, and I had been the cause of death for both of them. But there was Sicwele, just below me, leaping off the gorge wall and landing silently. I did the same and looked to see where Dingane should have been. And there he was. It didnÕt make any sense. IÕd done this. Unless . . .

            The gods had given me a second chance.

            The gods were benevolent. They had given me a second chance, an opportunity to do it over. They had showed me what lay ahead, what would happen if I didnÕt change. It was far too late to stop AsariÕs death, but maybe . . . maybe I could save Sicwele. I would do my best, and I wouldnÕt ever, ever meet Azl. I would go to Heaven and never set a single digit inside Purgatory.

            ÒTook you long enough,Ó said Dingane.

            ÒIf you want to have a pride to rule after this is done, then you should be glad IÕm doing this carefully,Ó said Sicwele.

            ÒAre you sure theyÕre ready?Ó

            ÒYes. ÕSare had a little problem, though.Ó

            ÒHeÕll cope.Ó Dingane turned to the den and roared, cutting though the night sky. ÒHear this,Ó he shouted. ÒWe have come to avenge the murder of our beloved king Mpande. Come out, and we may be merciful.Ó

            I looked over at Sicwele. He stared toward the den, his face strained. He wanted to see ScaiÕa so much. I looked behind me and saw what I knew I would. Lionesses coming down the back of the gorge, lionesses that werenÕt ours. ÒBehind us!Ó I yelled. The pride turned, unable to see the other lionesses all that well in the moonless night. But they charged. The enemy cut them down viciously. They just cut through the lionesses, coming for all of us. I roared, charging into them, killing one after another, and feeling the wonderful, warm glow that was my adrenaline-charged bloodlust. Kill. The only word that mattered.

            And then the thing I dreaded would happen occurred. The ground shook violently. I collapsed on top of another lionessÕs back and looked up to the walls to see them cracking, debris falling from them. I ran for the wall I had come down, only to have a huge rock crash down in front of me. I stood there, stunned, just staring at it. I was suddenly tackled by Sicwele, hearing him yell, ÒMove!Ó I rolled from the impact. I looked up to see another rock, and another as I dodged them. Then it stopped. The shaking just ceased.

            I got to my feet. I could see nothing in the dust. ÒSicwele!Ó I called. ÒSicwele, where are you?Ó He didnÕt answer. ÒSic—Ó I stopped, seeing a struggling form, the back half pinned under a rock. I ran to it, praying it wasnÕt him. It was. I knelt by him. ÒSicwele.Ó

            He coughed. ÒThat you, ÕSare?Ó

            ÒYeah. IÕm going to get you out of here.Ó I made to move the rock off his back.

            ÒÕSare, no,Ó he groaned.

            ÒÕSare, yes.Ó I pushed. It wouldnÕt budge. I pushed harder.

            ÒÕSare, stop. Please,Ó He begged. ÒFor ScaiÕa. SheÕs alive, I know it.Ó

            ÒIÕm not letting you die.Ó

            ÒYouÕre going to die yourself, ÕSare. Get out of here. And find something for yourself. Some—Ó

            ÒIÕve got you to live for. So shut up and let me move—unh!Ó I stopped pushing. The rock just wouldnÕt move.

            ÒÕSare, come here. Please.Ó I went to his head. ÒGet out of here. As one last favor. I donÕt want you to die. I want to see ScaiÕa. Please, just give me these two things.Ó

            I was stunned. This wasnÕt how it was supposed to go. I had a second chance. I was supposed to stop this, wasnÕt I? But maybe . . . maybe thereÕre some things you canÕt change. I stared at his pleading face. I felt tears begin to slide down my face. ÒPlease, ÕSare,Ó he whispered. I turned and ran back up the side of the gorge. Dingane would be there. And IÕd tell him . . . IÕd tell him Sicwele was dead.

            I pushed myself up the last bit of the wall to find Sicwele staring at me, an amused look on his face. ÒDidnÕt I tell you not to go too close to the edge?Ó I stared at him, then down into the gorge. I could just make out DinganeÕs red mane if I looked hard. I stared back at Sicwele. ÒYou okay, Sare?Ó

            ÒUh . . .Ó

            ÒOkay, as okay as youÕll ever be?Ó

            ÒIÕm fine,Ó I said.

            ÒGood.Ó Sicwele began to slide down the side of the gorge, some of the fide following him. I went as well.

            ÒSicwele—Ó I said as I reached the bottom.

            ÒShh!Ó he cautioned. He crept stealthily over to Dingane. ÒLetÕs do this.Ó

            Dingane roared into the night. ÒHear this. We have come to avenge the murder of our beloved king Mpande. Come out, and we may be merciful.Ó

            I didnÕt know why I was reliving this again, but I didnÕt waste any time. I turned SicweleÕs head as soon as Dingane began speaking. His eyes widened as he saw the enemy coming down the wall behind us. He ran toward them, yelling ÒBehind us!Ó He was one of the first in the charge. I ran after him, then stopped with horror. Sicwele had his head thrown back by an uppercut from another black-maned lion. The lion slashed through SicweleÕs chest. SicweleÕs head dropped back down. The lion slashed through SicweleÕs face twice before it hit the ground.

            ÒSicwele!Ó I yelled. I finally found my legs. I ran forward, slashing through lionesses, feeling the bloodlust that came to me so easily. I sank my jaws into that lionÕs throat, heard his quickly stifled scream. He fell to the ground as I tore out his throat. Then the shaking began again. I ran to Sicwele and covered his body with mine. It would have been a useless effort. If a rock hit me, weÕd both be trapped underneath it. But I wasnÕt thinking. Nothing touched me, other than a few smaller rocks, just enough to give me aches and pains the next morning. When the shaking finally stopped I opened my eyes that I had shut in fear. I looked at Sicwele. He was a mess.

            ÒÕSare,Ó he breathed.

            ÒIÕm getting you out of here,Ó I said.

            ÒNo . . .Ó

            ÒToo bad.Ó I lied down next to him, grabbed a foreleg, turned, and stood up with him on my back. Easiest way to lift and carry an animal. One of the first things Sicwele had taught me. I doubt he ever expected me to use it on him.

            ÒPut me down,Ó he muttered feebly. I felt his warm blood trickling down my side.

            I was about to tell him to when I heard numerous snarls. I looked left and right, seeing lionesses I didnÕt know emerge from the dust. A proud, older lion stepped forward, staring at a corpse on the ground that I was standing on. I looked down to see my paw in the mess I had made of the neck of the lion that I killed. ÒMy son is dead,Ó whispered the lion.

            ÒÕSare,Ó begged Sicwele, Òrun.Ó

            It was a wonderful idea. I did so, knocking a lioness out of the way. They ran after me. One leapt onto my back as I began to climb the side of the gorge. Sicwele was thrown from my back. I looked down, then kept climbing. Going down was suicide. I finally reached the top of the ledge, ridden with guilt once again about leaving him. He had done nothing but raise me, actually making an effort sometimes to be kind of me, and—

            —he was standing right there.

            ÒDidnÕt I tell you not to go too close to the edge?Ó asked Sicwele. I gaped at him. He tapped the side of my face with a paw. ÒÕSare, snap out of it.Ó

            I knew my breathing was labored. ÒWe have to go back,Ó I said.

            ÒWhat?Ó came from Sicwele and several other lionesses.

            ÒYouÕll die,Ó I said.

            ÒYeah, sure,Ó he said. ÒNow come on, weÕve got a job to do.Ó

            I put my paw on his shoulder, claws slightly extended. ÒI mean it.Ó

            Sicwele looked at me. ÒWhat, are you going to kill me?Ó

            ÒThereÕll be a—a thing. Ground shaking. Rocks falling. Please. DonÕt go.Ó

            ÒÔGround shakingÕ?Ó he said skeptically. ÒÔRocks fallingÕ?Ó

            ÒYes.Ó

            ÒYou expect me to believe that?Ó

            I suddenly realized the position I was in. I knew exactly what was going to happen—but how was I supposed to explain that. ÒPlease, just trust me. I just watched you die a third time. I donÕt want to see it again.Ó

            ÒIÕve come this far, I will not wait.Ó

            ÒJust wait five minutes,Ó I pleaded. ÒJust five more minutes.Ó

            He sighed. ÒFine. If you really think we need it, fine. WeÕll wait.Ó We waited five minutes, and another five under my urging. Nothing happened. ÒWeÕve waited long enough,Ó Sicwele finally said. He started down the slope.

            ÒIÕm staying,Ó I said. ÒIÕm staying, and you should, too.Ó He stopped as the rest of the lionesses slid down. ÒPlease.Ó

            ÒIf you want to be labeled a coward, fine, ÕSare.Ó He lowered his voice to a whisper so that the lionesses below wouldnÕt hear. ÒBut this kingdom will be mine.Ó He continued sliding. I watched him go helplessly. When he went over to Dingane, they both shot me a look. Then it all began. The announcement. And then, without the help of my warning, the scream of the first lioness to be killed by the enemy. The horrible, blind charge, half of the pride heading to the empty den, the others occasionally attacking themselves. And then the shaking. The horrible, horrible shaking, and screaming, and death. I looked away.

            A magnificent chest stood before me. ÒI really think you want to watch this.Ó I looked up to see AzlÕs smile.

            ÒYou!Ó

            ÒMe.Ó He grabbed my head, turning it toward the gorge. ÒMe, me, me.Ó

            I watched as the falling rocks decimated the pride. One died after another. Every one of them died screaming, pleading for help from others that would never come. I looked away to see Azl still there. ÒWhy? Why?!Ó

            ÒDonÕt you want to know what happened to poor Sicwele? Take a look.Ó

            I tried to resist. Curiosity got the better of me. My gaze wandered down to Sicwele struggling underneath a rock. He was the only one left alive down there from my pride. And then the other pride came. They circled around him. I saw him looking around, then heard him say joyously, ÒScaiÕa! ScaiÕa, itÕs me!Ó A lioness stepped forward and said something inaudible. And then, to SicweleÕs horror, she turned and nuzzled another male, about SicweleÕs age. He stared in disbelief, then let out an anguished cry.

            I turned away as ScaiÕaÕs mate advanced on Sicwele. Somehow I still heard SicweleÕs last gasp as the lion tore out his throat.

            Oh my gods.

            I felt horrible sorrow, unbelievable sorrow . . . watching every single one die, every single one of my family die, and then this . . . I looked up at Azl. ÒWhy are you doing this?Ó I whispered.

            He smiled. ÒOh, donÕt tell me you donÕt want this. YouÕve played it over and over in your head, trying to find something that would make a difference, something that you could have done to change things. Now you have your chance. Enjoy.Ó

            ÒI donÕt want to watch them die again and again! What kind of sick pleasure do you think IÕd get from that?!Ó

            ÒOh, but you have so many things you havenÕt tried yet. Go ahead, try out everything. YouÕve barely used a fraction of the planÕs youÕve thought of.Ó

            I pushed him to the ground, my paws on his chest. ÒDamn it, you keep changing it! How am I supposed to beat it if you keep changing it?!Ó

            ÒWhy not try?Ó He stretched out a foreleg. I followed it to see Sicwele staring at me.

            ÒÕSare, come on,Ó he said.

            ÒYes, ÕSare, go on,Ó said Azl, his eyes mocking me. ÒSave him.Ó

            I stared at his face for a moment before I ran toward Sicwele and slashed him across the face. He went to the ground, and I quickly tore out his throat. I spat it out disgustedly. ÒYou arenÕt real.Ó I turned to Azl. ÒThis isnÕt real!Ó

            ÒMurderer!Ó a lioness yelled. She tackled me, biting down. I cried out in pain. The other lionesses attacked, each trying to kill me. Some threw themselves on top of me, knocking me to the ground. I cried out in pain as Azl was blocked from my vision, his mocking smile the last thing I saw before a lionessÕs stomach covered my eyes.

            Then the lionesses were gone and I was safe again. Safe meaning I wasnÕt in imminent danger of being attacked. I stared at Azl, back in my prison. ÒI wonÕt play your games.Ó

            He laughed at the thought. ÒAnd you really thing that will work? Here, let me show you my rŽsumŽ.Ó A cheetah suddenly appeared, proud and standing straight. ÒBefore,Ó said Azl with a smile. ÒAfter.Ó The cheetah was no longer the magnificent specimen it was. It was hunched over in fear, its eyes wild and scared. ÒOf course, this is just my first. Early days for us all. The second went off without a hitch.Ó The cheetah disappeared to be replaced by a leopard, just as impressive as the cheetah. ÒAnd after I worked my magic . . .Ó

            The leopard was the epitome of fear. He seemed to have shrunk as he tried to make himself as small as he could, his eyes completely witless. He trembled in fear as he looked from me to Azl. He slowly shuffled backwards. Azl impatiently hit it across the face with a paw. It collapsed to the ground, covering its head with its paws as it curled up its body. Only noises escaped its throat. There were no words.

            ÒLook at it,Ó Azl said. ÒLook at that pathetic—thing. It cowers just at the sound of my voice. I could just motion, and it would yelp in fear. There is nothing left of him. Nothing. This is just an empty shell.Ó The leopard disappeared and Azl turned to me with a look on his face which could only be described as Òevil.Ó ÒAnd you will be no different.Ó His paw shot out to grab my neck. He pulled my face so it was only an inch from his. ÒIÕve heard those words of defiance over and over. And every single one of you has fallen. You have no idea how much I enjoy watching you writhe in pain. It is an obsession. I take pride in my work, Taraju. In breaking your pathetic forms. But I wonÕt just break you. I will shatter your pathetic mind. You will beg for my mercy. And I will laugh. YouÕll be driven like all the others, until youÕre nothing but a witless brute, cowering at every bit of the world. ItÕs only a matter of time.Ó

            I saw the truth in those eyes of his, as well of every bit of my hopelessness.

 

 

 

            It continued. He attacked my mind, slowly tearing it apart. IÕm sure he could have done it quickly. But that wouldnÕt have caused me pain. I was going insane, slowly, steadily, and with full knowledge of it. I couldnÕt fight back. The brink came further and further toward me.

            But then I got a visitor. Two of them. I got to see how far IÕd actually gone.

            ÒThrough there,Ó ordered Azl, his muscular forearm pointing to a rectangle.

            ÒI wonÕt play your games,Ó I said. My resistance still burned.

            ÒThrough there. Or else.Ó

            ÒI went miserably. The else would no doubt be much, much worse. I walked into a lighter room, the room I had seen ÒTumaiÓ in. There, across the room, were two animals that I hadnÕt expected to see. It was Asari and Mpande, both dead because of me. I hung my head. Neither would have anything good to say to me.

            ÒAkasare,Ó said Mpande, his voice shocked.

            I thought of it as a summon, as it used to always be when he was my king. I walked up to the middle of the room, then stopped and hesitantly held out a paw. It pressed against the unseen wall. ÒI canÕt go any further than here,Ó I said.

            The two of them walked to me. They didnÕt speak; they didnÕt know what to say. Then Mpande finally said, ÒWhat have they done to you?Ó

            I knew they saw my haggard face, its desperation etched deep into it. ÒNothing, yet,Ó I said. ÒAt least, thatÕs what IÕm told. The best is yet to come.Ó

            ÒAka,Ó said Asari softly.

            ÒPlease,Ó I said, Òjust say what you came to and let me go back.Ó The waiting only made it worse. It was something I should have learned when I first came here. I could have skipped out of a hundred forty years of this. ÒJust get it over with.Ó

            They stared at me, like I was a horrible thing. Which I was. I wasnÕt fit to even be near them. To be near any of them. I was one of the condemned. This wall kept my filth from them. ÒAka,Ó said Asari softly, ÒIÕm so sorry.Ó

            ÒFor what?Ó

            ÒFor . . . for this.Ó She gestured at the room.

            I laughed bitterly. ÒYes, weÕre all so sorry, arenÕt we? So sorry for Aka.Ó

            ÒIÕm sorry we had to see you like this,Ó said Mpande. ÒReally. I never imagined . . .Ó

            ÒNever imagined what? That youÕd find me here?Ó

            ÒYes,Ó said Mpande. ÒI mean . . . you changed. You repented.Ó

            ÒOne death wasnÕt enough to pay for what I did. The gods arenÕt that benevolent.Ó

            There was an embarrassed pause. ÒWe came to try to help,Ó said Mpande.

            I gave a real, honest laugh. I heard the slight note of hysteria. ÒThereÕs nothing you can do to help! ThereÕs nothing anyone can do to help!Ó

            Mpande sighed as he blinked his healed eyes. ÒDo you want us to go?Ó

            ÒI donÕt give a damn one way or the other. IÕm beyond caring.Ó

            Mpande looked at me sadly, then turned. ÒCome, Asari.Ó

            ÒI—I want to talk to Aka, Daddy,Ó she said, embarrassed. ÒAlone.Ó

            ÒVery well.Ó Mpande stepped through a rectangle. ÒIÕll wait,Ó his voice echoed back.

            Asari turned to me and placed her paw on the wall. ÒAka . . .Ó A tear slid down her face. ÒI canÕt believe it . . .Ó

            ÒItÕs true. I left you to die. I could have saved you.Ó

            She shook her head. ÒNo. I know that. ItÕs just . . . you look horrible. Like youÕre dead.Ó

            I smiled wryly. ÒDonÕt we all?Ó

            Asari gave me a sad smile. ÒIÕm sorry, Aka.Ó

            ÒFor what?Ó

            ÒFor . . . for Sicwele.Ó IÕm fairly sure my mouth dropped open around this point. ÒYou saw it . . . all of it . . .Ó

            ÒHow do you know?Ó

            ÒThey let me see it. I—IÕm sorry. Please understand,Ó she begged. ÒI thought you were gone. I didnÕt know.Ó

            ÒWhat are you saying?Ó

            She bit her lip. ÒMalaiki,Ó she said.

            One appeared. ÒMaÕam?Ó

            ÒCan you get rid of this barrier?Ó

            ÒDo you really think thatÕs wise, maÕam?Ó

            ÒPlease.Ó

            The malaiki sighed. ÒVery well, maÕam. There you go.Ó It vanished again.

            Asari approached me hesitantly. She crossed where the barrier had been. She came the rest of the way and put a gentle paw to my face. ÒI—I love you, Aka.Ó She nuzzled my mane. ÒIÕve wanted to tell you so much . . .Ó

            I pulled my head gently. I looked at her magnificent, blue eyes sadly, those blue eyes that I loved so much, staring at her body that had given me my first feelings of lust. So much had gone by since we had first met. ÒAsari . . . I love someone else. I love Tumai. I—Ó

            ÒNo! Please! You love me, I know you do!Ó She pressed herself against my neck. ÒForget about Tumai! Just forget about her. You love me, not her. You love me.Ó

            I suddenly realized what I fool IÕd been. I tipped her face up to mine with a paw. I smiled. ÒNo, Azl.Ó He should have known it wouldnÕt work twice.

            ÒAzl?Ó he asked, his filthy self using AsariÕs mouth.

            I pushed him away. ÒDonÕt play stupid. I wonÕt betray Tumai. YouÕll never get that pleasure from me. You can torture me all you want, but I will never stop loving her.Ó

            ÒAka, please,Ó he said, pressing himself against my chest. He wrapped one of AsariÕs forelegs around me. ÒAka, I love you.Ó He licked my neck.

            I pushed him away, harder. ÒLiar!Ó I spat. I whipped a paw across AsariÕs face, knocking him to the ground. Moments later I was on the ground myself. The malaiki had reappeared and had hit me with enough force to send a rhino down. I gave a cry of pain.

            ÒTaka,Ó the malaiki spat. It turned to Azl. ÒIÕm very sorry, maÕam. I shouldnÕt have let it happen.Ó He gently helped him up with a paw. ÒAre you alright?Ó

            I let out a startled cry. It was Asari. And I—I had been paranoid enough to—oh, gods! ÒAsari,Ó I said suddenly.

            ÒAka, no!Ó she cried. Something grabbed each of my legs. I looked down to see vines curling up them from a dark rectangle I recognized all too well.

            I began to thrash wildly as the vines pulled me toward the rectangle. ÒNo! No! Asari—Asari, forgive me! Asari!Ó She disappeared as I was dragged through the rectangle, the rectangle vanishing the instant I was through. The vines disappeared.

            ÒBravo! Bravo! Encore!Ó I looked to see Azl clapping his forepaws together, supported by his flapping wings. He wiped a tear from his I. ÒThese dramas—I get so emotional. TheyÕre beautiful.Ó

            ÒYou rat bastard!Ó I shoved my face into his, or at least, as far as mine would go up to his. ÒHow could you?! How could you do that to me?!Ó

            He laughed. ÒI did that?Ó He laughed again. ÒYou did it. You did every—single—bit.Ó

            I was horrified. I didnÕt want to believe it. But it was true. He had no part in it.

 

 

 

            It still went on. I was, as predicted, being reduced to nothing. My mind was slowly pushed toward insanity. I was beaten when I gave Azl the wrong answer, the blows taking less and less to get the desired impact of utter fear. I died over and over without dying. Azl never let up. My mind was being torn apart.

            I had two more visits. One was my father. Kovu told me to hold on, just to hold on a little longer, son, and that he loved me so much. His words did nothing for me, despite the hour-long heart-to-heart we had, me describing every detail of what went on in my life nowadays.

            Shortly after I was visited by Fujo. I put on my best face for him. He was innocent; he didnÕt need to know what went on in there. Some of my anger slipped out. But none of my despair. I had enough control for that. I watched him leave the room, knowing I would never see what was beyond the visiting room, save for that rectangle of golden savannah they always left from. Not as me. I would only see it as a shattered, broken mess.

            I worsened. And then the day that changed everything came. Azl had left urgently, not even giving a warning, just leaving. I sank to the floor, amazingly without injury, having the luck to have him go right after he had healed my body. I lied on the floor, relieved, so happy that my pain was over, at least for now. Any moment without him was a moment to be relished. He still managed to torture me, though. My stomach rumbled and my throat burned. I had forgotten the taste of food. I really had. I tried desperately to think of what meat tasted like, with nothing coming to mind. I hadnÕt eaten in so long.

            Then Azl came back, ending a relief that had been far too short. ÒSorry about that. SomethingÕs come up. Little trouble. Happened in the Pridelands, actually.Ó My ears perked up slightly. ÒYou want to go home, donÕt you?Ó he asked, his voice soft, gentle, sweet. Torturous.

            ÒI want to go anywhere but here.Ó

            ÒWhat a shame. All those travel plans. Anyway, news from home.Ó A long, white rectangle appeared in front of him, which he grabbed. ÒDa-dat-da-dat-da . . . Here we are. Kovu—dead. Kiara—weeping. Fujo—dead. Tumai—alive.Ó My heart leapt for joy. He went through the rest of the pride, listing off an astonishing amount of those that were dead. But Tumai was alive. She still enjoyed life. I was happy for her. ÒNow that thatÕs out of the way—JadiÕs taken over, has ruled for a year, has slaughtered countless, blah, blah, blah. Uchu—Ó

            ÒWhoÕs Jadi? And Uchu?Ó

            ÒFujoÕs son and his mate.Ó

            ÒBut—Ó

            ÒUchu has had a son, still continues to beat the lionesses whenever she feels like it, especially Tumai. The son will grow up, destroy the Pridelands after brutally cutting down Tumai in the worst way he can think of, will go on to either destroy the world or rule it forever, et cetera, et cetera.Ó

            ÒDestroy the Pridelands?Ó

            ÒYep. Just go and go and reduce Õem to ash. In fact, the little guy shouldnÕt even exist. HeÕs part pure evil, part lion. DoesnÕt happen. Anyway, I just came back for a second to check in on you, see how you were doing, beat you bloody because this is all your fault, then attend to other business.Ó

            ÒMy fault?!Ó

            The bloody beating began with my head. I was sent to the ground, his claws ripping through my face, scratching out an eye. I screamed in pain as I had done far too often of late. ÒYour fault. If you hadnÕt been a coward—Ó he sliced open my stomach—Ònone of this would have happened! YouÕd have been king! He rained down blow after blow. IÕd stopped trying to fight back long ago. I sobbed, bones breaking, piercing my skin and organs. ÒYouÕd have stopped this! You would have never let this happen!Ó His voice had gone to a yell. I really do believe that he let out some of his anger on me. Gods knew he needed something at this time of all others. He stopped, then spit on my face. ÒIÕll be back later.Ó He left.

            I was left alone with my thoughts and my pain. What he had said was true. I could have lived. I undoubtedly would have been picked king over Fujo. Tumai was being beaten—supposedly—because of me. I wanted to believe it wasnÕt true. But Azl was gone. He had been there for everything, always. He undoubtedly was truthful this time.

            Suddenly my body was healed. I looked around for Azl. He wasnÕt there. Then pain flooded my mind again. It seemed to tear at me, ripping me apart. I sank to the ground, my paws pressed tightly against my skull. Then, just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. I felt—pure. Like I could do no wrong. I looked up to see myself looking up. This must not make any sense at all. It was like looking at a pool, but in three dimensions. My reflection stared back at me. We spoke. ÒWhat the . . .Ó We stared at each other.

            An evil smile crossed his face. ÒIÕm coming,Ó he said.

            ÒWhat are you talking about?Ó I said.

            He stared at me, his expression slightly curious. ÒYou donÕt hear it, do you?Ó He shook his head. ÒBut I can still show you the way.Ó

            ÒFree?Ó

            ÒYes. Come on, we can get out of here!Ó His paw pointed toward a dark rectangle. I hadnÕt noticed it. And it was a rectangle that looked too much like a place I had been before. The Black Line.

            ÒI wonÕt join Afriti! And to think you think itÕs even an option—Ó I stopped. We both realized in that instant what had happened. I thought he felt as I did. He felt nothing remotely close to it. We had the same body, a perfect replica of each other, but nothing filled his mind but—for lack of a better word—evil. Somehow—I donÕt know how—somehow I had been torn apart cleanly down good and evil. I was Taraju. He was Akasare. I wanted to please the world, he wanted to dominate it.

            And he wanted to escape.

            The same thought crossed out minds. We both darted for the rectangle. He nearly made it. I tackled him, holding on as tightly as I could, for once praying for Azl to be here. He struggled, reaching for the rectangle. I couldnÕt let him escape. What he would do to the world . . . he had no inhibitions. No one would be safe. Not from him.

            I sank my jaws into his back. He roared out in pain as he arched his back inward, allowing his muscles to relax. I took the moment to pounce on him, wrapping my legs around him and trying to roll away from the rectangle. I got in two or three of them before he stopped me, him on top. He stared down at my face with a grin, then began to club it with his right paw, sending four blows across my face before I blocked it and rammed my head into his. I took his momentary daze to whack him across the face and off me.

            And toward the rectangle.

            He fell to the ground, but we both knew how to fight. And one of the first rules was that you never wanted to be on the ground. It left too much of your underside exposed, the easiest place to hit for a good injury. He was back on his feet quickly. And he wasted no time at all running toward the rectangle. I tackled his back, wrapping my forelegs around his torso near the hind legs. He placed a paw inside the rectangle, and then another one. He looked back at me, an evil grin on his face.

            ÒEnjoy your stay.Ó

            He pulled as hard as he could. My paws began to slip on their grip. His head went through, and his body, and then his hind legs, the rectangle throwing me off him completely as soon as I touched it. I was sent flying backwards, only to see the rectangle shut as I looked up.  What hit me first was how quickly it had gone. Just a few blows, and I had lost him, a perfect example of why you couldnÕt easily defeat an enemy that was trying to run. I stood there, staring at where the rectangle had disappeared. I couldnÕt believe it. He was gone. Akasare was looks in the land of the living. And I was still here, doomed to suffer.

            Or would I?

            I suddenly realized what this had done. I was pure. I was clean. There wasnÕt a bad bone in my body. I had no reason to be punished. I wasnÕt nasty at all. It was my evil side that had done all those things that I was imprisoned for, right?

            I felt good for the first time in Purgatory. I was going to explain it all to Azl when he came back. And I would be free. He finally did come back, after what seemed like hours. ÒAlright back to busine . . .Ó He was staring where he must have left me. He looked around and saw me. ÒDidnÕt I leave you in a broken, bleeding mass here?Ó

            ÒYes,Ó I said.

            ÒBut youÕre in a perfectly fine, not bleeding mass there.Ó He was honestly confused. ÒOh, well,Ó he said. ÒIÕll just begin again.Ó

            ÒAzl,Ó I said, ÒIÕm clean. You can stop now.Ó

            He laughed. ÒRepenting wonÕt do you any good.Ó He hit me across the face brutally. I cried out in pain. ÒNow letÕs try this again. How is the vilest scum in history?Ó

            ÒAzl, please,Ó I begged through a nearly dislocated jaw, Òplease, just stop! You donÕt need to do this!Ó

            ÒBut itÕs so much fun. And wrong answer.Ó His claws raked my body. It went on like this for hours. He never believed me. I was stuck here, forced to endure torment that I would never escape.

 

 

 

            I had one more visit. It was the last I got. Azl had made far more progress with me than before. I screamed, constantly, for him to let me go, that I didnÕt deserve this, and also for my mother. I was constantly in tears, partially from the pain, partially from the knowledge that I shouldnÕt be here, taking this punishment. My only companion was Azl, Azl who rejoiced in my pain, Azl who delighted in my anguish. Fujo visited me again, giving me a wonderful break from AzlÕs torment. I wouldnÕt go back to my prison, I swore it as I entered the visitorÕs room. I could see from the shock on his face how bad I looked.

            ÒOh, Taraju . . .Ó

            ÒFujo,Ó I said, Òthis is all a mistake. IÕm not supposed to be in there.Ó

            ÒI know,Ó he said miserably.

            He had no idea. ÒNo, you donÕt. IÕm Taraju.Ó

            ÒYouÕre not making any sense.Ó

            I tried to explain, and messed it up wonderfully. ÒIÕm Taraju, not Akasare. HeÕs gone now. IÕm good, IÕm clean, IÕm pure. IÕm not supposed to be punished, he is.Ó

            ÒWhat do you mean?Ó

            ÒAkasareÕs gone,Ó I explained desperately. ÒHeÕs left me.Ó

            ÒI donÕt understand.Ó

            ÒJadi did it. He brought Akasare back, but not me. IÕm free. And IÕm not supposed to be in here now. You have to do something. I canÕt go back in there. I just canÕt.Ó

            ÒYouÕre not lying?Ó I saw doubt in his eyes. I realized how insane I must have seemed. Who knew, maybe the entire thing was just another one of AzlÕs tricks. If it was, it was working. Despair had become just as much of a companion as him.

            ÒNo, just have them look, have them check, and theyÕll see. Just get me out of here.Ó I pressed against the barrier that they had absolutely refused to let down now, not even for my father, not after what I did to Asari. ÒI canÕt go back. Fujo, IÕm going insane.Ó

             ÒIÕll try,Ó he said.

            ÒPlease,Ó I begged desperately. ÒHurry.Ó I felt a strange feeling in my hind legs. I dropped my paws as I looked down to see vines wrapping around me. They grabbed my forelegs as well. I struggled as hard as I could. I wouldnÕt go. I couldnÕt go.

            ÒTime to come back,Ó said a AzlÕs voice, floating out to me unmercifully, Azl putting every measure of fear he could into it.

            ÒNo!Ó I screamed at him. ÒNo! I wonÕt go back! I wonÕt go back!Ó Azl laughed mercilessly. The vines tugged unevenly and I fell to the ground. I looked up at Fujo who was staring at me in shock. ÒFujo,Ó I begged, Ò—please—help me!Ó I was pulled through and saw AzlÕs face above mine.

            ÒIÕm sorry,Ó he said. ÒYour session is up.Ó His jaws clamped down across my neck. He tossed me across the room, my neck trailing blood. I landed with a sickening thud, letting out a scream of pain as I landed.

            Fujo did try. He achieved nothing. No one would listen to him.

 

 

 

            I continued to suffer under Azl. His mind never failed to find new ways to strip away mine. Every second under him I slipped closer to insanity. I was turning into that beast he said I was, one that only thought of itself, of its survival, the animal that was dumb and witless and scared of all things. I was going downward even faster than when Akasare was with me. I fought back as hard as I could, forcing him to wrench away every fiber of sanity that he took from my grasp. I begged him to stop, I pleaded with him, I tried to bargain. His torture continued.

            I tried everything. I fought back, being swatted down every time. I tried to run. The room was endless. There was no escape. Azl could outrun me any day with his muscle-bound legs or his massive wings. But then I tried something so desperate, so stupid, it had no chance of working. After he healed me, I grabbed his face in my paws and pressed my lips against his. He pushed me away after a stunned second, his eyes wide. He said four words.

            ÒIÕm not like that.Ó

            ÒListen to me,Ó I said. I had finally gotten him to stop. Yes, it was in a way that disgusted both him and me, but it worked didnÕt it? ÒYou need to stop. I am pure. Please, stop.Ó I tried to put every ounce of honesty I had behind my words.

            ÒYou kissed me!Ó

            ÒUm . . . well, yes.Ó

            ÒOh, for—thatÕs a first! Of all these years—Ó

            ÒYou know, I really just touched your mouth.Ó

            ÒWith yours!Ó

            ÒKissing is done with the tongue,Ó I pointed out.

            ÒLike hell that wasnÕt a—Ó

            ÒListen! Please! I had to make you stop!Ó His face turned into a snarl as he heard those words, realizing what I had done. He drew back a paw to hit me again. I cowered, begging him, ÒWait! Please! Just listen to me! Listen, and IÕll never, ever try anything again! Just please listen! Just this once!Ó

            He slowly lowered his paw as he looked at my desperate, tear-filled eyes. ÒTalk.Ó

            ÒI—I donÕt have any evil in me. ItÕs the truth. You have to be able to see that. IÕm pure. Jadi tore me apart. ItÕs the only explanation I have. Please, just check it. IÕm good. DoesnÕt that mean I should be free?Ó

            He stared at me. ÒYes . . . maybe.Ó

            ÒPlease, you have to believe me. Please.Ó

            ÒYouÕre telling the truth?Ó I could see his eyes looking into mine for a sign of deceit.

            ÒYes. All of it. Please believe me.Ó

            He stared at me. Just stared, looking at me. Then he did something I hadnÕt expected. He drew me close to him in a hug with his forelegs, supported by his wings. ÒIÕm sorry,Ó he whispered. He drew back from me. ÒForgive me. Please.Ó He was ashamed. I could see that.

            ÒJust get me out of here,Ó I said.

            He smiled. ÒFair enough.Ó He turned and walked toward a rectangle that had just opened, full of golden savannah. ÒIÕll do what I can.Ó He paused before he left, turned to me, and waved his paw. ÒHere. I imagine youÕre hungry.Ó A carcass and a pool of water appeared. He made for the rectangle and stopped again. ÒIf I find out youÕre lying . . .Ó

            ÒIÕm not.Ó

            ÒAlright.Ó He walked through the rectangle. I smiled as I watched him go. Actually smiled. It closed, then suddenly reopened as he stuck his head in again. ÒAnd that—thing. With the lips and all that—Ó

            ÒNever happened.Ó

            ÒGreat.Ó He left again.

            I sighed. I had hope. There was something different about that conversation. Then it hit me. I was no longer scared of Azl. I hadnÕt been for quite some time now. Not since I had been torn apart. You could put me in with any malaiki, and IÕd be fine. I really was fine. I began to eagerly tear strips off the carcass, my need being assuaged for the first time in I didnÕt know how long.

 

 

 

            I was bored. ThatÕs the blunt fact. I had been waiting so long for Azl. I hadnÕt seen anyone. I know it probably sound kind of bad to be bored when youÕre entire future hangs on the entire word of an animal, but I was. At least I was well cared for. The carcass refilled itself when I wanted more and the pool . . . well, who had ever know to a lion to drink an entire pool? I had only had one complaint. It was a wildebeest carcass. Now, anyone can get tired of eating the same thing day in and day out. ItÕs predictable that I would have gotten tired of it. But when I didnÕt really like it in the first place . . . ugh.

            Azl finally walked into my prison again. I stood up, ready to leave, and to finally get an antelope instead of a wildebeest. Even a buffalo, or a zebra. But a small party of me said HeÕs here to torture. Not to free. His face was unreadable. ÒWell?Ó I finally asked.

            ÒThrough there.Ó Azl pointed to the pure white rectangle he had just come through.

            ÒAm I free?Ó

            ÒThrough there.Ó

            I slowly walked through the rectangle. The place was so bright. My eyes seared with pain for an instant, and then they were fine. I felt—better. Whole. The best word would be Òsane.Ó I felt as if everything done in my prison had been a horrible weight, and it had all been lifted, all at once. You have no idea what sweet relief that was.

            I looked around. On pedestals of varying height there sat animals, some which I had seen before, others which I hadnÕt even heard of. These were the gods, I realized. They were in a semicircle in front of me. Around each one of them shone an aura. I suddenly noticed a seemingly minor detail. They were all carnivores. Not all of the gods were here. Just the bigger ones. I swallowed, feeling insignificant. I didnÕt know what was expected of me. A lion sitting on the highest pedestal addressed me.

            ÒCome closer.Ó

            I hesitantly stepped into the semicircle. I looked over at Azl. He obviously felt none of the pressure and need for formality I did. He was lying down on his back. I would have thought that would be uncomfortable with wings, but he seemed right at home with it. I looked up at the gods. They stared down at me, some solemn, others cheerful. I bowed low. It brought out a few more smiles. They werenÕt exactly happy smiles. More amused, as if IÕd done something wrong.

            Which I had. ÒOh, get up,Ó said a female cheetah. I straightened up.

            ÒYou donÕt need to bow,Ó said a second lion.

            ÒYes, sire,Ó I said nervously.

            ÒSir.Ó I turned to see Azl with a paw in the air, one digit extended. The paw dropped back down, Azl being the perfect picture of laziness.

            More dŽjˆ vu followed. ÒItÕs quite alright, Azl,Ó said the first lion. He looked back at me. I suppose we should begin by saying that we are sorry for what weÕve done to you. Please, donÕt think badly of Azl. He is one of the most compassionate malaiki there are.Ó

            ÒYeah, sorry, no hard feelings and all that crap,Ó said Azl.

            The first lionÕs smile twitched. A cat with a beautiful, black and orange striped body, the first full tiger I had seen, spoke. ÒAlthough his composure could do with some work.Ó Azl smiled.

            The first lion spoke again. ÒIf you are angry with anyone, it should be us. You see, we ordered Azl to do this. We can only trust malaiki to carry out the acts in Purgatory. They will not become emotionally involved, and they will do their best. They canÕt be merciful; their compassion leaves no room for it. Azl wanted to get you through there as quickly as possible after he was told your situation. We all did. We are very proud of your sacrifice, Taraju. Azl especially. He pushed you harder than we thought he could. You could have been out after ten years.Ó

            ÒBut—but you sentenced me to two hundred forty. Sir.Ó

            The lion smiled. He opened his mouth to speak, but a leopard beat him to it. ÒThose old years mean nothing. They were there for when the malaiki were inexperienced. Years could go by and there would only be minor progress. They were repulsed by what they are forced to do in there. They still are. But theyÕre better now. They understand the reasons why. Ever since the first one was released, they have worked so much more efficiently. Especially Azl.Ó Azl smiled up at the leopard.

            ÒAlthough he did make one rather large slip this time,Ó said the second lion. The grin vanished from AzlÕs face. ÒAnd that would have had some very interesting consequences if it occurred.Ó

            ÒYou gave us that reflex,Ó said Azl, pointing at the second lion. ÒIt was your idea. You, specifically.Ó

            ÒWell, you have to mate—Ó

            ÒMano, donÕt you think this has gotten a little off track?Ó asked the leopard. His mate smiled as Mano, the second lionÕs smile faded slightly. ÒAiheu, can we please get back to what we came here for?Ó

            Aiheu, the first lion, nodded. ÒThank you, Rahimu.Ó Aiheu looked down at me. You see, the malaiki torture you so that you pay for your deeds. They go until they reach a point where they feel that youÕve paid enough.Ó

            ÒUntil they break you,Ó said a hyena in a low, menacing voice.

            Aiheu nodded. ÒYes. As RohÕkash says, until they break you. Some cases donÕt have to go that far, but they are very, very few. We do not put an animal in Purgatory unless we are certain that they deserve it.Ó

            ÒNo one deserves it,Ó I said. ÒYou have no idea what itÕs like in there. Sir,Ó I hurriedly added.

            Aiheu gave me a sad smile. ÒThat may be. But it is the best option we have. ItÕs much kinder than the alternative.Ó

            ÒWhat alternative?Ó

            The tigress spoke again. ÒWe could have let them stay in Heaven,Ó she said. ÒWe did with the first few. They werenÕt happy with the rules. They broke them. The others suffered, horribly. We had to punish the ones that did wrong. Purgatory was created as a temporary thing. The animals were released after, at most, a year. But they continued to sin.Ó

            ÒSo we had to resort to more permanent measures,Ó said Rahimu. ÒWe have them hundreds of years in Purgatory, judging them before they even came so there would be no more suffering in Heaven. They were thrown in as soon as they came. Like you almost were. Very few of them ever saw Heaven.Ó

            ÒBut Afriti came along and demanded some of the souls,Ó said RohÕkash. ÒAfriti wanted a share. We let one be taken while we debated. It was AfritiÕs choice of which one to take. Afriti took a particularly miserable lion. One that looked astonishingly like you. But Afriti said that one wasnÕt good enough. Afriti freed the first one, and demanded that we empty Purgatory.Ó

            ÒWe decided to do it,Ó said Mano. ÒBut it took years. Afriti just grew angrier and said we were stalling. Made threats to wreak destruction on the world.Ó

            ÒYou see, we had no choice,Ó said Aiheu. ÒWe couldnÕt stop Afriti. We had been the cause of our own undoing when we made mortals like you. Imperfect. Easy to tempt. And Afriti did tempt you. Afriti argued that the ones in Purgatory were the ones that had evil in them, and he was right. They were miserable in Heaven, trying to follow our rules. Afriti appealed to our sense of virtue, saying that we were condemning them to suffer pointing out that even if they served their term, they would only sin again, and be put in Purgatory once more. Afriti wanted to take them to Hell.Ó

            ÒIt was logical. It was most likely true that the animals would fall into their old ways after they left Purgatory, even if it took hundreds of years to undue the inhibition we placed by the punishment,Ó said a cheetah. ÒThey had broken inhibitions before, why not this one, too? So we let Afriti take the first soul and we let the two of them speak to the animals in Purgatory. Nearly all of them followed.Ó

            Aiheu sighed. ÒIt wasnÕt until later that we realized the mistake. We freed the animals that did stay after their terms had been completed. None of them had broken as you would have. Few were in as bad shape as you were. The malaiki didnÕt understand enough then. But none of the animals that were released, not one, has done a single wrong thing. They are good, caring souls. We never expected it.Ó

            ÒThey chose to stay,Ó I pointed out.

            ÒYes,Ó said the tigress. ÒWe came to that conclusion. But Aiheu exaggerates when he says that they have never done any wrong. Every single one of them has done a wrong thing. But they have done nothing more extreme than the souls who never went to Purgatory. Even in Heaven there are little fights.Ó

            ÒAs Fela points out, they have done minor things,Ó said Aiheu. ÒI meant, however, that there was none of what there was before. There used to be rape, and bloodshed, and betrayal in Heaven. There is no more of that.

            ÒJust one big happy family,Ó interjected Azl.

            Aiheu smiled. ÒIn a sense. So Purgatory was established. And we made our biggest mistake. Every ten years Afriti sends the First to collect the animals from Purgatory. And we watched them go, animals that could have been good, if only we had waited and hadnÕt listened to AfritiÕs persuasion. He hopes to become stronger than us, and to use his power and numbers to destroy us, and bring about what he feels the world should be like. So far, it has not come to that. There is still more good in the world. We have more strength.Ó

            ÒFor now,Ó added Rahimu pessimistically. All of the smiles shrank a little.

            ÒMaybe not even now,Ó said a cheetah.

            ÒWhat do you mean, sir?Ó I asked. I half-expected them to say that I didnÕt need to know. I didnÕt know that the gods rarely withheld information from us.

            ÒA cub was born recently,Ó said Fela. ÒTo your nephew. He could completely chance the balance of power. He will completely change it.Ó

            ÒBut that is not what we called you here for,Ó said a tiger, completely across the circle from Fela.

            ÒWe asked you to come here to give you a privilege,Ó said Mano.

            I had imagined that this was the reason that I was here, but still, receiving my freedom was something that seemed like a dream. And now it was here. I would be privileged with my freedom. With seeing my family once again. ÒSir—I donÕt know how long IÕve waited for this.Ó

            ÒArenÕt we cocky?Ó asked RohÕkash. I didnÕt understand.

            Aiheu smiled. ÒRohÕkash, he doesnÕt know. Taraju, are here to offer you freedom. But we want to give you something else. You see, your soul is pure. Completely. There is no evil.Ó He paused. ÒSo we want to offer you a place.Ó

            ÒA place where, sir?Ó I asked.

            ÒWith us,Ó said Mano. ÒTaraju, we want to offer you the chance to be a god.Ó

            I was understandably stunned. My mouth blurted out, ÒYou must be joking.Ó

            A ripple of laughter went around the group. Mano rarely joked. ÒNo, Taraju,Ó said Fela. ÒYou have a clean soul. ItÕs all you need.Ó

            ÒMaÕam, I—I canÕt be a god. I shouldnÕt, should I?Ó

            Fela smiled. ÒYouÕre thinking of your past. It doesnÕt matter anymore. You have every right to be accorded this honor, especially after what we put you through. We want you to join us Taraju. WeÕre asking you.Ó

            ÒI realize itÕs an honor, maÕam, but . . .Ó

            ÒYes?Ó asked Fela politely.

            ÒI donÕt think IÕm supposed to be a god. I did some very bad things. I canÕt just forget them.Ó

            ÒOh, there are ways,Ó said RohÕkash. Amused smiles flicked around the group.

            ÒBut I donÕt want to forget them, sir. I want to be Taraju.Ó

            ÒWeÕre not asking you to, Taraju,Ó said Fela. ÒWeÕre just asking you to join us. We could give you knowledge, Taraju. And power. Power to change the world, to make it a better place.Ó

            My mind flicked to the paradise I had tried to change the Outlands to. It was tempting. But there was still that nagging doubt. That What if I misused it? I could hurt more animals than I ever had, than Akasare ever would. I wouldnÕt hurt anybody intentionally, I couldnÕt think about hurting anyone that way anymore, not unless I had a reason. But accidents happened. And the mistakes I could make as a god . . . I shuddered to think of the consequences. ÒMaÕam . . .Ó

            ÒYes?Ó

            ÒIs—is it my choice?Ó

            ÒYour choice, Taraju. Only you can decide.Ó

            My choice. And so much hung with what I said. I had no doubt that I couldnÕt just change my mind in a few days and say that I wanted the other way instead. ÒMaÕam . . . maÕam, I just donÕt think I could be a god.Ó

            Aiheu asked, ÒDo you refuse the offer?Ó

            I looked down at the floor. They should have given me more time to choose, really. You canÕt just ask someone on the spot to be a god. Even if I had just had a day longer, that would have been a little more reassuring. But I think I still would have come to the same conclusion. ÒYes, sir,Ó I finally said. ÒI refuse.Ó

            Rahimu smiled. I later found out that he never thought I was capable in the first place. Only he and Fela, despite her pressuring, were the only ones who saw beforepaw. ÒVery well,Ó said Aiheu. ÒIt truly is a shame. I believe you would have been a grand god. However, it was your choice.Ó He held up one of his shining paws. ÒBut your soul is pure. We must grant you this.Ó I felt strange. I still donÕt know the exact words for it. I felt a warm glow go through my body. Saying it was wonderful doesnÕt do it justice. I looked down at my paws to see they were encased in a shining, golden aura, as was the rest of my body. I looked back up at Aiheu. ÒWe name you Ilemi, Illuminati of Heaven.Ó

            I looked over at Azl. Saint, he mouthed.

            I turned back to the gods and bowed low. ÒThank you, sir.Ó

            Fela smiled. ÒOh, get up.Ó

            ÒYes, maÕam.Ó

 

 

 

            I took my first free step into Heaven and breathed in the air. I suppose I was expecting something like an epiphany, something startling and amazing, some revelation that all my tortures had given me. Just something that really touched me, made me feel—different. There was nothing that did that. I was just happy. Joyously, gloriously happy, but just happy nonetheless. The air tasted no different, the savannah was the same as the month that I spent there, the sunset was still beautiful, and it was nothing more than gloriously comforting to me to have this rather than the cold prison that I had inhabited for so long.

            What touched me was the thing that hit me next. I mean hit me. Tackled me to the ground, laughing. I was stunned as I hit the ground, and turned over to see AsariÕs smiling face. I smiled back. I reached out and touched her face gently. That one touch was wonderful.

            You can take an animal away from its home, from its den, from all the land it ever knew, and theyÕll be fine. But you cannot separate them from the ones they know. I began to cry, slowly, and then I broke down in a rush as I wrapped my foreleg around AsariÕs neck and pulled her down to my chest. Gods, just to touch someone. I donÕt know exactly how long I spent in that wonderful embrace. Minutes, IÕm sure.

            Dad was there, too. And Granddad, and Grandma, and Mpande, and Fujo. I couldnÕt stop crying. It was so good to have them here. Azl should have done this to me, should have given me all of them, and then have taken them away. Nothing would shatter me more than that right now.

            Asari pulled her neck free of my grasp and stared down at me happily. She licked away some of the tears that were on my face. ÒYouÕre home, Aka.Ó

            ÒAbout time,Ó said Fujo, grinning. ÒAsari, are you going to hog him all to yourself, or do the rest of us get to welcome him back, too?Ó

            She smiled as she got off my stomach. I sat up and had Dad grab me with a paw, drawing me into a hug. I embraced him as well, blinking away happy tears. ÒItÕs so good to be back.Ó

            ÒI donÕt want to ever see you like that again,Ó Dad whispered. He leaned back. ÒYouÕre too good to go through that.Ó

            ÒWe kept on wondering when they were going to release you,Ó said Granddad. ÒThey told us itÕd be today.Ó

            ÒYeah, what took you so long?Ó asked Fujo. ÒDid they have to bind it with blood or something?Ó

            Claws slashing across my neck, then cutting off my paw. A red pawprint on a white rectangle.

            ÒOh, uh, sorry,Ó apologized Fujo. ÒTouchy subject?Ó

            I hadnÕt realized it had shown that much. But those words had brought back that memory like a slap in the face. It hit me: none of those years were gone. I remembered them. I might be fine, I might be sane, but they were still there. This was how we stayed in line, all of us who went through Purgatory. We knew exactly why we didnÕt want to do wrong.

            I tried to smile. ÒForget it, Fujo. IÕm fine.Ó

            He grinned. ÒDoubt it.Ó

            ÒWe were so worried about you,Ó said Grandma. She wasnÕt like I remembered her last, all old and—old. I guess you couldnÕt even say she was ugly back then. But now she was radiantly beautiful. It was obvious what had captured GranddadÕs attention. She put stroked my face. ÒWe thought youÕd be out a lot sooner.Ó

            ÒThey wanted to talk,Ó I explained. ÒAbout my position.Ó

            ÒPosition?Ó came from everyone.

            ÒYeah. They made me an Illuminati. Named me Ilemi, like I actually needed a new name.Ó

            They all seemed to notice my aura at the same time. ÒI canÕt believe it,Ó said Fujo. ÒYou have got to tell me everything they do up there.Ó

            ÒFujo, I donÕt think that was in the list of duties.Ó

            ÒItÕs a bonus.Ó

            I felt Asari flow against my body. She kissed me before saying, ÒWeÕre just glad to have you back.Ó

            ÒYeah. Hey, Mvushi,Ó called Fujo. ÒCome on out.Ó

            My killer was hiding behind Granddad. Mvushi reluctantly came out from behind Granddad so I could see him plainly. The four scars that I had given him were gone. I wondered if the ones on my face were there. From what I remembered, I had seen them in the pool. I was sure I could get rid of them whenever I wanted.

            There was silence as Mvushi stared at me. He finally said, ÒIÕm not sorry for what I did.Ó

            I hesitated before saying, ÒThereÕs . . . no reason to be. ItÕs me whoÕs sorry.Ó

            He looked at me hard before saying, ÒJust so long as we know that.Ó He opened up a rectangle to another part of Heaven and walked through. I donÕt ever recall seeing him again. IÕm fairly sure heÕs avoiding me. I donÕt blame him. I made his life a hell. There was no reason for him to forgive me.

            Asari rubbed against me again. I smiled down at her. ÒI missed you,Ó she said happily.

            ÒWe all did,Ó said Granddad. ÒItÕs good to know youÕre free, Taraju.Ó

            ÒThatÕs a weird name,Ó said Asari. ÒÔTaraju.ÕÓ

            ÒItÕs my name,Ó I said.

            ÒYouÕll still be Aka to me,Ó she said.

            ÒAsari, please, I really would prefer Taraju.Ó

            ÒItÕs longer,Ó she mock-pouted.

            ÒThen work for once in your life.Ó

            ÒIn your death,Ó corrected Fujo.

            ÒWhatever.Ó

            Asari kissed me again. I stared down at her and saw the same adoration that had always been there for me. ÒWhy donÕt we leave you two alone?Ó Mpande asked tactfully, speaking for the first time. The thought filled me with happiness, and scared me just the same. I knew what they were expecting to happen, and it very well might.

            Tumai.

            She flooded into my head unbidden. Yes, it was probably a very good idea to get Asari alone, even if just for that.

            ÒHey, some of us want to talk with him, too!Ó said Fujo. ÒIÕve seen him for less than a week, overall.Ó

            ÒYou grew up with him,Ó said Mpande.

            ÒYeah, but only for a little. And heÕs changed

            ÒFujo, please, I promise IÕll make time for you,Ó I said. I had all the time in the world, I realized. I was free. More of a happy, warm, glow. ÒI just, uh, well . . .Ó

            ÒFine, I see how it is. YouÕd rather be with some beautiful lioness than an ugly brother.Ó

            ÒFujo, itÕs not like that—Ó

            ÒIÕm joking. Gods, did they suck out your sense of humor in there, too?Ó

            ÒRemind me to show you my sense of humor later.Ó

            ÒSure, sure,Ó he said, walking away. Dad followed him, along with Grandma and Granddad.

            ÒWell, go on,Ó said Mpande.

            I looked down at Asari. ÒI know the perfect place,Ó she whispered. She opened up a rectangle and walked on through. I turned to look at Mpande to see him walking away. I turned back and followed her through.

 

 

 

           

            It was a hill, a hill where the sunset could easily be seen. It was beautiful, though it was rapidly fading. Night was coming on quickly. I walked up to the top of it, looking at the sunset, and was even more surprised to find what was on the other side of the hill.

            ÒItÕs just like home, isnÕt it?Ó asked Asari. ÒThat big hill, and the big lake. And you can even pretend thereÕs that cave if you look at that rock the right way.Ó

            ÒIt looks so much like it,Ó I said, amazed at the similarity. It was almost the same as I remembered it. So beautiful. It brought back such happy memories. It might not have been exactly like Lakeside, but the resemblance . . . I thought that if this was really a den I was on top of, just like Lakeside, I might even stay here. ÒHow did you find it?Ó

            ÒThose rectangles. You just think about what you want, and it opens a path to it. Just think of what you want. A place. An animal . . .Ó

            I looked down at her. ÒThatÕs amazing . . .Ó My voice drifted off as I looked into her eyes, into her face that was so happy and hoping.

            She buried her face in my mane. ÒAka, I love you. So much.Ó I felt her teeth gently nip my neck.

            ÒAsari . . .Ó

            She looked up at me. ÒIÕm sorry. Taraju.Ó

            I smiled. ÒYes, thereÕs that, too.Ó

            She kissed me and pressed herself against me again. ÒI love you, Taraju.Ó

            I swallowed. I knew what I was expected to say, and I could say it honestly. ÒAsari . . .Ó I didnÕt finish my sentence. I looked down at her. ÒLetÕs lie down,Ó I said quietly. She smiled as we did so. ÒAsari . . .Ó

            ÒYes?Ó

            ÒAsari, I love you. I really do.Ó

            Her smile became even bigger. ÒIÕve been waiting so long to hear that. IÕve just been waiting for them to release you.Ó She kissed me passionately. ÒTaraju . . . Taraju, I love you.Ó

            She was setting all of my senses on fire. I could smell the sweet scent of pheromones that drifted up to me, not strong enough to sway a male as they did in heat, but they were still there. I knew what she wanted. And I wanted it, too. I leaned closer, having her nuzzle me. ÒAsari—Ó

            ÒTaraju, can we get married?Ó It was an honest request. She wanted it.

            ÒAsari . . . I canÕt do this.Ó

            ÒYou can, Taraju. For me. I love you, Taraju.Ó She was kissing me, nibbling my ear. She wanted it, and she was making me want it more and more. I had to stop it.

            I put a paw underneath her chin and tilted it up to make her look at me. I loved those blue eyes of hers, those big, dark blue eyes. ÒAsari, I canÕt marry you. I canÕt make love to you. Not yet.Ó

            ÒI asked Daddy. And IÕve got his permission. And KovuÕs. Just say you love me and weÕll be married.Ó

            ÒAsari, I do love you—Ó

            ÒThen love me,Ó she said, breaking free of my paw and licking me on the face.

            ÒAsari, thereÕs someone else. I canÕt.Ó

            She drew her head back, her sorrow obvious immediately. ÒNo . . .Ó

            ÒAsari, I donÕt know who I am. I love you,Ó I said, nuzzling her reassuringly, Òbut I . . . I just canÕt. I love Tu—Ó

            ÒI donÕt want to hear about her!Ó I pulled my head back a little, shocked by the outburst. ÒTaraju, I love you. I always have. Please, donÕt do this to me. I love you.Ó

            ÒAsari—Ó

            ÒWhat is it that she has that I donÕt? Taraju, I want to give you everything. My body, my soul, my love. I love you, Taraju. She canÕt love you like that.Ó Her tone was pleading. I saw tears brimming in her eyes.

            There was a time when none of this fuss would have taken place, when I would have yielded to instinct and been wonderfully happy that night. But the idea of betraying Tumai shocked me now. IÕm sure now that if the situation had been reversed, I would have felt just as bad about Asari. Jadi had taken more than just my dark side; he had taken some of me. ÒAsari, I donÕt know that. I love you, but I love her, too.Ó

            ÒThen who do you love more?Ó she said bitterly. ÒJust say it and be done with it.Ó

            ÒI donÕt know,Ó I said quietly. ÒI really donÕt. Asari, I canÕt do this. I wonÕt dishonor Tumai like this. IÕd do the same thing for you, I know I would. I want you, honestly, but not like this. I want you only when youÕre mine, completely and totally. I donÕt want to make a mistake IÕll have to live with for eternity.Ó

            ÒThis isnÕt like you,Ó she said. ÒYouÕre different.Ó

            ÒYes. They said I would be. Asari, I was released because IÕm only half of what I was. My soul was torn in two. I donÕt know how. But doing bad things . . . they repulse me. IÕm not the same, Asari. I love you, but I canÕt do this.Ó

            I could see her lip trembling. A tear slid down her face as she sniffed. She nuzzled against me again, but not with any of the lust that was there previously. I wrapped a foreleg around her. ÒIÕve been waiting so long for this,Ó she whispered. ÒIÕve waited for you for so long and now I canÕt have you. ItÕs not fair.Ó

            ÒIt isnÕt.Ó I could feel her sorrow. I loved her, after all, and here I was, breaking her heart, saying that she might not even be the one I truly love. I donÕt have a doubt that she loves me, but I didnÕt know if I loved her, truly and honestly. I still donÕt. I wonÕt until Tumai dies. I kissed Asari gently on the top of her head. ÒPlease, just understand.Ó

            She looked up at me, her eyes rimmed with red. ÒI can wait,Ó she said. She pressed her head to my neck again. ÒI love you.Ó

            The rest of the night was quiet. She finally drifted off to dreamland, lying next to me. Lucky her.

 

 

 

            I felt bad about leaving Asari alone, but I didnÕt want to be next to her when she woke up. I know that sounds terrible, but itÕs the truth. I couldnÕt help but realize every time that I looked at her that she wanted to give me everything that she could. And so did Tumai, I was sure. And I wanted to give myself to both of them. It seemed as if there was no happy ending. Someone would be hurt, and hurt horribly. If I could have both of them, I would. But I really doubt the gods look too happily on polygamy.

            So I left her before she woke up. I tried to stay away from her as much as possible from that day forward, trying to make any pain that might happen more bearable for either of us, but it only felt worse to be neglecting her like this. We did meet, and we both enjoyed it. Neither of us did anything that would try to compromise my honor; Asari stayed as far away from that subject as possible after she knew how I felt.

            After I left her, I went on to Fujo. I hadnÕt slept all night, IÕm sure. My mind was haunted with the prospect of what was gong to happen. From what the gods had told me, the world was coming to an end. And all because of the Pridelands, because of the cubbishness of a cub. FujoÕs son had no control over what went on as he was a cub; he was a cub. And yet the massive errors that were made.

            AsariÕs description of how to use the portals in heaven was correct. I simply thought Fujo, and I found Fujo, just a few meters away from the rectangle. And he was sleeping. Of course, I could have had plenty of fun with him. I decided to settle for tickling him, right in the gut. He bolted upright immediately. I laughed.

            ÒTaraju!Ó he yelled.

            ÒAt your service,Ó I said with a grin.

            ÒThe sunÕs not even decently up!Ó

            ÒAnd?Ó

            ÒItÕs not right.Ó I laughed. ÒIt isnÕt!Ó

            ÒFujo, nothingÕs ever right for you.Ó

            ÒYeah? How do you think your little matchmaker session with me and Taabu worked out?Ó

            ÒYou married her?Ó I asked, surprised.

            ÒYeah, thatÕs what you wanted, right?Ó

            ÒUh . . . not really. We just expected you to try to help her, not actually drag her back to the Pridelands to marry her. HowÕd you persuade the king to do that?Ó

            ÒUh . . . he was kind of dead.Ó

            ÒWhat?!Ó

            ÒSo I killed him. He deserved it. DonÕt think IÕve already gone through enough guilt over his death.Ó

            ÒYouÕve killed another lion?Ó

            ÒI didnÕt mean to. I just kind of turned, and . . . and thatÕs it. Just brought up my leg and hit him in the right place.Ó

            ÒGods . . .Ó I had never imagined Fujo to be a killer. I mean, I was the killer, not him. He was the one who made everyone laugh.

            ÒIt was just self-defense,Ó he said, as if reading my mind.

            ÒI just canÕt believe it.Ó

            ÒIÕm the same lion you always knew. Still as much of an ass to my brother,Ó he said with a grin. ÒBesides, itÕs not like you didnÕt have all that planned out up here.Ó

            ÒFujo, we never intended you to do anything about the pride. Maybe go back and get run out of the kingdom, but never this.Ó My mind wandered back to something the gods had stressed to me, along with all my other duties as an Illuminati. You could never interfere with the animals on the earth. Taabu hadnÕt been intended to do anything. Fujo would just see what justice really was, and would learn that even if something was wrong, you couldnÕt just dispense it. It wasnÕt expected for him to actually go to the length of killing the king.

            I had missed so much in my time in Purgatory.

            ÒWell, it all turned out happy,Ó he said. ÒI got Taabu, Taabu got me, and we love each other.Ó

            A thought suddenly struck me. ÒHow much did she beat up on you?Ó

            ÒHuh?Ó

            ÒShe was a pretty free spirit. I doubt sheÕd take too much lip.Ó

            ÒI donÕt know what youÕre talking about,Ó he said, looking away.

            ÒLiar.Ó

            ÒNo idea at all.Ó

            ÒSuch a bad liar,Ó I said with a grin. ÒNow come on, Fujo. What did you want to talk to me about?Ó

            ÒI just wanted to talk. CanÕt a guy just want to spend some time alone with his brother?Ó

            ÒI sÕpose.Ó I looked out at the scenery. ÒWant to walk?Ó

            ÒSure.Ó

            We started across the savannah. The sunrise was okay, I guess. I didnÕt really notice it; I was staring at the ground the whole time. Until of course, Fujo inevitably talked. ÒWhat was it like in there?Ó he asked quietly. I was silent. ÒLook,Ó he said uneasily, ÒI understand if you donÕt want to talk about—Ó

            ÒIt was bad,Ó I said. ÒIt wasnÕt a nice place. I didnÕt want to live, Fujo. I really didnÕt.Ó I looked up at him. ÒDoes that answer your question?Ó

            There was shock on his face. I guess I didnÕt realize how quiet and grave I had been. He looked back toward the ground uneasily, shocked by the fact that I, his strong, unyielding brother, had said that. ÒYeah. Yeah, thatÕs good enough.Ó

            ÒCheer up,Ó I said, for once trying to jolly him along instead of having the situation reversed. ÒIÕm out now. And now you can stop worrying about me.Ó

            ÒIÕm worried about home,Ó he said. ÒWhy does it seem like all the happiness is being sucked out of the world? I mean, I find that my son is a murderer, and then I find out that youÕve been tortured ever since you came up here, and now . . . Home just isnÕt the same under Jadi.Ó

            ÒHe has a son,Ó I said.

            ÒHe does?Ó Fujo asked, surprised.

            ÒYeah . . .Ó The word was out of my mouth before I could stop it. Another thing the gods had said. JadiÕs son was unable to be seen. Fujo would never see his grandson, not until he died. And from what the gods said . . . well, he might never die.

            ÒI wonder why I didnÕt see him.Ó

            ÒI . . .Ó I couldnÕt believe what I was about to have done. I was going to have lied to Fujo. Gods, what a horrible thing. ÒFujo, forget it.Ó

            ÒWhat? Forget my grandson?Ó

            ÒYeah. Just . . . give him some time to grow before you make judgments.Ó

            ÒIÕm just worried.Ó

            ÒWell, stop it. Otherwise IÕm going to have to start making jokes, and IÕm no good at that.Ó

            ÒUh-huh. LetÕs hear one.Ó

            ÒUh . . . okay, thereÕs two hyenas waiting to ambush this lion that they hate—Ó

            ÒDo all your jokes involve violence?Ó

            ÒI grew up with it. Anyway, they know that the lion is supposed to be there around mid-morning. TheyÕre there, but the lion isnÕt. Midday comes around. Still no lion. Mid-afternoon, still no lion. ItÕs finally beginning to get dark, and one hyena turns to the other and says, ÔGee, I hope nothing happened to him.ÕÓ

            ÒYeah, no more jokes for you.Ó

            ÒOh yeah? What do you have?Ó

            ÒI donÕt make jokes. I make witty, sarcastic comments and let myself be thrown around for othersÕ enjoyment. So there.Ó

            ÒIt sounds like youÕre trying to advertise yourself.Ó We came to the top of a hill and sat down.

            ÒLike you arenÕt, Illuminated?Ó He gestured at the aura that I had shining around me.

            ÒI donÕt like it,Ó I said uncomfortably. ÒI asked them to take it away. I shouldnÕt stand out.Ó

            ÒWhy not? YouÕve got a pure soul. Show it off.Ó

            ÒItÕs restraining, Fujo.Ó

            ÒLooks like youÕre walking fine.Ó

            ÒNot the aura. Me.Ó

            ÒHuh?Ó

            ÒI . . . I canÕt do things anymore. I canÕt lie, I canÕt cheat, I canÕt hurt anyone. I know that sounds bad, but I need to do that. We all do. We canÕt live without doing that. ThereÕs fewer than thirty Illuminati, did you know that? Out of all the animals that have ever lived, fewer than thirty. I think we actually need to have an outlet like that. But I donÕt have that anymore.Ó

            ÒAnd? YouÕre a better lion for all of that, Taraju.Ó

            ÒFujo, IÕm afraid I wonÕt be me anymore.Ó

            ÒWhy?Ó

            ÒI canÕt do what Taraju did. Maybe IÕm not even Taraju anymore or Akasare, or anyone. Maybe I am Ilemi.Ó

            ÒYouÕre Taraju. Always have been, always will be.Ó

            ÒFujo, half of my soul is literally gone. DidnÕt they tell you what happened?Ó

            ÒYeah, but . . .Ó

            ÒI canÕt do any wrong, whether I want to or not.Ó

            ÒIt all just depends on what you define as wrong.Ó

            ÒAnd what would you say is a good was to decide?Ó

            ÒIf it makes you feel good, do it. Worked for you before in life.Ó

            ÒFujo, IÕm not proud of what I did.Ó

            ÒForget that. Be happy. Like me.Ó He grinned stupidly.

            ÒItÕs not right to be that happy.Ó

            ÒYeah, well, it works for me.Ó

            ÒFujo, IÕm not you.Ó

            He sighed and stared at the ground. ÒYou just donÕt want to be cheered up, do you?Ó

            ÒIÕve just got a lot on my mind.Ó The world was coming to the brink of evil domination, and Heaven along with it. I wanted to tell Fujo everything, so badly. But that would be unthinkably wrong.

            ÒSo how was last night?Ó

            ÒWhat?Ó I said, being blindsided by the question.

            ÒWith Asari.Ó

            ÒNothing happened.Ó

            ÒYouÕre a bad liar, yourself.Ó

            ÒFujo, I canÕt lie anymore. I canÕt

            ÒYou really are worried about this, arenÕt you?Ó

            ÒYes. I . . . I donÕt know what Asari will think of me when she gets to know who I really am now. Or . . . Tumai.

            ÒWell,Ó he said in a husky whisper, flowing up to me in a way that perfectly mimicked AsariÕs motion, ÒIÕm always there for you.Ó

            I pressed my paw against his face and set him falling down the hill.

            ÒAugh! Ow! OW!Ó He finally stopped rolling. ÒIÕll get you for that!Ó he yelled up at me.     I laughed as he pushed himself up. Yes, he could still give me a laugh. Maybe things wouldnÕt be quite as hard as I thought after all.